Chapter 9: Reye Proposes With Poor Accuracy

Reye woke up. There was an odd pain in his groin.

"You kept creeping towards me in your sleep, so I had to repeatedly kick you in the testicles to keep you away." said Aura.

The pain in Reye's privates was replaced by a pain in his soul.

"Oh, fuck. We have to get married, but Christianity hasn't been invented yet."

"Oh, that is a problem! Darn."

Reye was unaccustomed to sleeping in a warm room, and his sweat has stuck him to his mattress. He got up, ripping off his negligible back hair.

"AAAAARRGHHH EVERYTHING HATES ME" he screamed.

REYE'S YARD

Then it was time for his morning routine. He replaced his tattered blue shirt for a differently tattered blue shirt, ate raw pork for breakfast (the furnace broke when he tripped over it), obsessively hunted for monsters and then went to the greenhouse. He hadn't seen Aura for a bit, but then he saw a blurry shape in the greenhouse. Reye knew that to marry, you have to propose. And he was going to do it. His heart rate increased... he opened the door...

"I WANT TO HAVE SEX! MARRY ME!" he screamed.

In the greenhouse was the creeper elder who had led the effort to take over his shitty house.

They stared at each other for a bit.

The creeper elder was the first to break the silence.

"So... um... uh... I heard... you... wanted... to... get... married...?"

"Ye...s... that... would... be... great..."

"All... right. You can... come... to... Creeptopolis."

"Weddings... take... careful... preparations. Let's... have... it... tomorrow."

"Fantastic... idea!"

Reye set to work, sewing a black suit of spider silk. Unfortunately, he ran out of spider silk after the first square inch of fabric was woven, and one of the trap threads had gotten in and stuck it all to hell, and Reye didn't even know how to use a loom.

He held the tiny, warped square up to the lit window.

"It needs some work, but it'll do." said Reye.

He tried to put it down, but it stuck to his fingers.

He waved his hand a bit. It didn't come off.

"OH FUCK IT ALL" screamed Reye, stabbing wildly at the tiny bit of fabric with his sword. He managed to slice off his left pinky which it was stuck to.

A FEW HOURS LATER

"Oh Reye, what the hell were you thinking?" said Aura, as she sewed a sausage link onto Reye's finger stub.

"This sausage is as big as my hand."

"Shut the hell up, you cut off your own finger and now you must pay the price of being fucking retarded."

Reye went back to weaving, this time opting for a material that was actually practical to work with: wool. Unfortunately, this soon also run out, since Reye operated on Retarded Veganism. This made him unable to harm an animal at all, even to shear a sheep. He was forced to collect bits of wool from thorny bushes where it had caught.

He was also a hypocrite every time he ate a porkchop (which was always), but food should always come before morals.

Reye was left with a horrible, mangled not-as-tiny square of fabric. He started to regret not having anything else nice to wear.

CREEPTOPOLIS

It had been a long journey to Creeptopolis. Although it had taken about two weeks to get from Creeptopolis to the base, getting back when the plot demanded it only took about five minutes. Comprehending the physics behind this is very simple: fuck this book.

Reye walked up to Creeptopolis, with Aura in tow. She was wearing He was wearing his misshapen square of fabric, covering his groin and nothing else. Creeptopolis was currently going through a rainy spring, and Reye was absolutely soaked.

"F-f-f-fuuuuuu..." sputtered Reye, as rain filled his mouth. The wind threatened to blow away his fabric square, but it was securely tied on. The tight knot was another reason he could hardly talk.

They arrived in Creeptopolis. Some creepers had half-heartedly kicked around a bit of rice, but it was waterlogged and squelched underfoot. The poorly-made decorations were sagging, because some idiot had stuck them up with creeper spit, which was only marginally stickier than normal spit.

The creeper elder didn't really have a Bible on hand, since, you know, Minecraft. What he did have was an illustrated book for creeper children.

"With the power vested in me by the..."

He flipped through the pages, looking for something.

"...and the zombie goes 'uurgh'!"

He kept flipping.

"I bind these two..."

The book's cover fell onto the desk, and the worn binding opened to the middle page: "the Slimes go 'flap flap flap'"

"these two slimes, to make flapping noises for all eternity..."

Reye immediately screamed "I DO!". The echo caught in Aura's mouth, hardly diminishing in volume.

A high-ranking skeleton presented them with their wedding rings. These rings were made of the waste metal of the creeper industries, horrifying lumps made of mostly lead and a bit of cadmium.

Aura jammed it on Reye's sausage finger, which immediately burst. As bits of questionable foodstuff rained down, the entire congregation of creepers broke out in a celebratory rustling.

Reye was now married. He could pass on his genes without ethical qualms.

The world wept.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Damn creepers. Always getting in the way. And part of me really wants to finish that children's book. Keep an eye out for that.