AN: and finally, here we are just about at the end. probably just one more part to go... - also, i have tried to proofread this thing myself, three times, and while i do keep finding things to fix, i just can't do it again, so- kindly excuse typo-like errors or kindly point them out and i'll fix em.
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The station had always come with a purpose.
Alex liked that her job still allowed her to occasionally be hands on and work cases herself. She secretly relished the chance of being able to jump in rather than supervise and manage. The sense of purpose was what kept most of them going.
She had always liked coming to the station.
Time moved in beats there; in shifts, chases, hunches and in those tense moments when every second counted, when they didn't even have time to pause and take a breath. Handling cases always made time move at warp speed.
Even with Casey back at work, her bureau was still short on ADAs.
Which meant Alex at least had a case to keep her mind away from, well, everything else; her love life, held in abeyance.
But by a lack of luck, or karma, or just a particularly snarky universe, the current case that she had to take over, happened to be one of Rollins'.
"The guy is lying," Detective Rollins said.
"You," as in the royal you, as in all detectives, Alex intoned. "Always think the guy is lying."
"That's because they usually are," Rollins leaned forward conspiratorially and grinned, and Alex felt it's pull, it's infectious nature and hated her a little bit more for it.
"But come on," the detective continued, and bounced on her heels a bit. "He's never given a single thought to marriage or the future? They'd never had even one commitment conversation?" She pointed at the gesticulating suspect being interviewed by her partner on the other side of the one-way glass. "Really? This guy whose office was filled with obsessive, detailed to-do lists? He'd never planned or thought of it once? I don't think so, and there was no way this guy was fine with her going off with someone else."
"Maybe, maybe not," Alex said.
A brief, awkward silence fell between them.
It was hardly the first awkward silence since she'd started working with the detective on this case. It wasn't even the first awkward silence in their conversation throughout this interview.
She respected the detective, enough. All indications were that she acclimated well to the squad and their work, and seemed to be able to handle it.
Thus far, she had no problems with the woman - professionally.
She wondered briefly, just how much time jealousy and guilt could take off your lifespan. Because every stray thought she had about Amanda Rollins, and her involvement in Casey's life, sounded like a threat in her head. The theme of them all: You'd better be worthy of her.
That the woman was pretty was a fact. Her Southern charm seemed to project that she was easy going. (Which was definitely something Alex was not). But she still didn't know the detective that well, and that could all be a veneer.
She wondered if Casey would take Rollins to the bar association gala, and if she'd get a chance to see Rollins after work, to see first hand if she could treat her right. On the other hand, she was definitely not ready to see Casey Novak, disarmingly beautiful and dressed up, on the arm of someone else.
"I'm just saying," Rollins continued, trying to get through to Alex. "At that level of intimacy, you can't not have thought about monogamy or commitment."
Alex huffed and fought a bout of guilt and blushing, and deliberately divorced herself from the task at hand for the sake of impartiality.
"Well," Alex cleared her throat. "Even if that's so, that alone wouldn't prove much. People delude themselves all the time, especially if they aren't ready to admit their feelings."
"I'm just saying, there is something off."
"Then you have conflicting motives," Alex said. "You're going to need to clean that up and until you do, we can't possibly hold him."
"Yeah," Rollins agreed, watching her partner get nowhere on the other side of the glass. She tapped on the glass twice to get him to finish. "It was still worth bringing him in. I'll see if Fin can follow up on the neighbor and the best friend, see if there's anything there to firm up motive."
"And you?"
"I have to escort a witness to court," she said. "She's still a little skittish, but they're reconvening for the verdict and she wants to be there."
Alex gave her a single brief nod.
.
.
There had been a time when Alex relished balancing her newfound work priorities. She'd buried herself in the tactical side of distributing cases among her ADAs, in balancing the bureau's numbers, and tackling the politics, paperwork, press, and the DA in equal measure. She was pleasantly surprised to find that she enjoyed the job.
However, the cyclical avalanche of paperwork could be as overwhelming as it was mundane. Had the most recent reports not been so mind numbingly bland, they might have held her concentration better.
She was far from immune to this uniquely fragile limbo that she and Casey found themselves in. There was also no way to know if Casey had been purposefully avoiding her, or merely similarly overwhelmed with work.
Ether way, it was just as well that they hadn't had time to sit down and talk. All week, she had been fighting the urge to see her, to create opportunities to talk to her, but she still wasn't sure what she would say.
A knock on her door diverted her thoughts, and she was grateful for a stronger distraction, until she looked up and saw who her interruptor was.
Detective Rollins.
Again.
Standing in her doorway giving her a serious look.
The detective didn't wait for a greeting though, and began talking before Alex could invite her in.
"Did you hear about the attack in court today?"
"Yes," Alex said, recalling that one of the interns informed her of a courtroom scourmish. She placed her pen down and gave Rollins her full attention. "Something about a commotion in court caused by a defendant who did not like his guilty verdict."
"Yeah," Rollins said. "It was a little more than a commotion. Casey is still in the ER."
Alex stood up instantly, her voice was calm but the urgency in it betrayed her. "I thought it was the defense counsel who was attacked."
"Yeah, I thought they might not have relayed the news fully," Rollins muttered, rolling her eyes. "The perp went after his own lawyer, and added yet another charge to his record for that. But Casey got winged in the scuffle trying to get him under control. She's okay though," she added, holding a hand up to pause any further reactions when she saw Alex turn pale. "She's fine, but they brought her to the ER to be stitched up."
Rollins lifted a duffle bag that she was carrying. "I am headed back to bring her a few things, if you want to come along and see for yourself."
No sooner had she finished the offer than Cabot was grabbing her phone and briefcase and was out of the doorway before Rollins could even begin to follow.
"She really is okay," Rollins said, as they neared the hospital. It was one of the first things said between the women on the drive over. When they got to the car there had been a series of texts and phone calls where Cabot had arranged the remaining business of the day in a hyper efficient manner. After that, the ride had been nearly silent.
"You want me to throw on the cherry and turn on the siren?" She said, having a feeling Cabot wanted to say yes, but wouldn't.
"I'm sure that's not necessary," she said.
"It's really not. We'll be there soon," she said, reassurance and deescalation coming naturally to her.
However, the attempt to lesson the woman's anxiety only seemed to make it worse.
"Where were you?" Cabot said, finally lashing out and unable to leave out the accusation in her tone.
Instead of rising to Cabot's misplaced anger and guilt bait, Rollins pursed her lips together, trying not to smile. "I was hand-holding a witness in the gallery," she said. She looked over at Cabot, her eyes were still flashing with annoyance, but it looked more like the worry it was so clearly masking.
"She got hit in the forehead and bled like crazy since it was close to the scalp, but the medics got it under control pretty easily. She tried to refuse to go to the hospital, but defense council demanded it. I think he was afraid she might sue him for marring her pretty face."
Cabot leaned back in the seat a bit and stared out the windshield into the traffic ahead and unsuccessfully tried to relax.
"She really is okay though," she said. "Or I wouldn't have left."
"Thank you," she said, contrite for the first time during the drive. "For telling me and letting me come along." She spared a brief grateful smile for her. She regarded the detective for a long, long stare. To her credit, Rollins didn't once bristle under the scrutiny.
Amanda couldn't help it, she smirked. She tried to quickly even it out to an understanding smile, but she knew she'd been caught out.
"She told you," Cabot said. It was a statement, not a question.
Rollins tried to reign in the smile and shook her head. "She never said a word."
"Then, how did you know?"
"I'm a detective," and tilted her head for effect as they pulled into a parking spot. "Don't insult me."
She could feel that Cabot wasn't quite happy enough with that response and she smiled. "She could pull a muscle, the way she dances around your name, or the way she tried so hard not to get caught looking at you."
They marched through the parking lot, letting Rollin's natural cop-cadence and Alex's pure determination cut through the full hallways at the busy hospital entrance. They made it through the ER in record time, and to Casey's semi-private ER examination room even faster.
Amanda watched Alex take in the sight (being able to see that Casey was indeed okay with her own eyes) and smirked once again.
Cabot visibly let go of a deep breath, like it was the first time she was able to do so, since she heard Casey had been hurt.
.
.
Casey was resting on the ER bed, backrest at a 45 degree angle so she could sit up comfortably. She had a bandage on her head that looked all too prominent, lit by the bright overhead lights. There were remnants of blood about her, and she was wearing an and ill-fitting robe-like garment over her black suit pants.
Alex swallowed down her own worries and fears though, and stepped fully into the room, feeling stripped bare.
They hand't really seen each other since she had brought her the flu kit. Casey had, thankfully, recovered quickly compared to other members of the bureau. But by the time she came back, both of them were in and out of the office, still scrambling to catch up. They hadn't even spoken, just a handful of emails traded about a particular plea deal.
"Alex," Casey said. Her eyebrows elevated in surprise and she almost smiled in reflex. "You didn't have to come. I'm fine. I barely need to be here."
Alex willed her eyes to stop searching Casey for harm and meet her gaze. Gratitude, relief and fear still swimming in her thoughts. Without meaning to, she moved forward and cupped Casey's chin, gently turning her face to inspect her further.
"Say that to the huge piece of gauze taped to your head," Alex said, her fingers itching to peak underneath and see the extent of the injury, but resisting.
Casey took a breath, not realizing that she'd felt like the air in the room was in short supply since Alex came in.
"It's just a cut on my forehead," Casey said, in a softer and gentler voice, in dereference to the anxiety she could see in Alex's eyes.
.
"It's a gash and it involved the eyebrow-line, so they're waiting for someone from plastics to come down and stitch it up," Rollins said from just inside the room.
.
Casey and Alex both looked over at her, startled. Alex removed her hand from Casey's face and stood up with ramrod posture.
"I don't believe anyone asked you," Casey said in a tone quite near that of a child who had been told on.
Rollins smirked at her.
"And believe me," Casey huffed. "Waiting is the key word here."
"If I was waiting for someone to keep me from looking like Frankenstein, I'd try and be a bit more patient. But here," Amanda held up the bag she was carrying. "I brought you what you asked. So, you won't have to wear that lovely frock, or the bloody shirt."
"Thank you," Casey said, genuinely grateful to be able to change her clothes soon.
"But if you're good now, I should leave and go meet up with Fin."
Casey smiled another thanks and nodded.
Amanda came closer and leaned over, and in a low tone near Casey's ear, said, "I want details later."
"You don't know what you're talking about." Casey said back in an equally quiet whisper. She shook her head, but glanced over in time to see Alex's face drop.
Rollins almost hurt herself trying not to laugh, but still managed to keep her voice low. "You both forgot I was in the room. And it's a teeny tiny room." She smirked and righted and headed out.
"Hey, counselor," Amanda addressed Alex in a normal tone as she paused at the curtain.
Alex looked at her.
"Keep an eye on this one for me, will you? It was hard enough to get her to come here in the first place."
Alex crossed her arms and gave her another short, wordless nod.
.
.
Alex let her eyes wander around the small room trying to think of something to say.
As she took a step closer to the bed, a rustling made her look down. She took a second look at it and realized it was Casey's suit jacket and blood-stained shirt, along with various personal items in a large plastic bag. Her heart rate sped up and she had to take a deep breath, to remind herself that everything was okay.
Casey noticed the staring, and that Alex was beginning to pale. "Are you alright?"
Alex shook herself and then cleared her throat. "I'm okay, I'm just not overly fond of hospitals."
Casey's mouth dropped open slightly when it dawned on her how much Alex's history would make her rightfully uncomfortable in hospitals.
"Well come here and sit down," Casey said, making room on the narrow bed.
"I'm fine," she said, resisting the urge to pace again.
"It was really nice of you to come, but you don't have to stay," she said. "If you want, I can go with you."
"You are going to need stitches."
"I am going to need a new dry cleaner," she said, trying to get Alex to laugh. "Because mine is going to hate me." Casey said.
Alex did at least smile at that. She took a deep breath in and then breathed out slowly. "How did it happen?"
"The guy attacked his own lawyer when he heard the verdict." She shook her head at the insanity in that. "Trevor tried to duck and get away, but tripped and well, he's very uncoordinated when he's flailing, and he fell into me hard. I think he caught me with his $10,000 watch."
"Langon?" Alex said, starting to pace again, against her will.
"Yes."
"Then it was at least a $15,000 watch. Most likely with diamonds in it."
"Well, that makes sense, as it was apparently sharp," she motioned to her head.
Tired of watching Alex pace in too small a place, Casey scooted over even more and motioned for her to come sit again. "You're going to make me dizzy."
Alex acquiesced finally, sat down on the small space on the bed, and a gentle silence fell between them.
She felt calmer, sitting so close and seeing that Casey was okay. She started to relax even through the awkwardness. For whatever reason, at the moment, they seemed to be able to talk to one another.
Between the two of them, though, she would have said that Casey was the one known for not beating around the bush.
She must have taken some of that on during their time together; because Alex reached for as much honesty as she could gather, wanting to ask something she didn't really want to know the answer to, but needed to. In a low, barely audible voice, she asked,
"Is she nice to you?"
The silence returned heavy and fast.
Casey sat half-frozen, just blinking. She stared at Alex, watching her actively not look her in the eye, chest rising an falling just a little too fast for calm. Casey tried to figure out exactly what Alex meant, and could only come up with one answer, which settled into the quiet confidence starting to grow in her heart.
She waited for Alex to meet her eyes before she replied.
"You are nice to me."
Alex knew what she wanted those words to mean, and she knew the charge in the very weighted air was building around them. She knew what she wanted in her heart, and couldn't help but wonder, against all odds that Casey might be there too.
Casey should hate her, but-
"Alex-"
"I miss you," Alex interrupted.
"I miss you too," Casey said, wanting to reach out and hold her hand, but settling for hers to lay lightly on Alex's lap. "I'm not sure what you're thinking, but I'm not seeing anyone."
Alex wrinkled her brow and looked away again. "You and Rollins seem… close," she said, her voice a little strained, but no judgment present.
"It's not what you think."
Alex's brows furrowed further in consternation, she pursed her lips and released a deep breath. "It's okay if it is, you have every right to- you should have someone who would be good to you… someone who would bring you a change of clothes when you're stuck in an ER."
"It's just my gym bag, she grabbed it for me. We run together. We're friends."
"Oh." Alex looked down, sounding more chastised than Casey had ever heard her.
"There's no one else," Casey said, slowly emphasizing each word, trying to let them convey everything she felt and reached out and grabbed her hand, holding it softly.
"I know I have no right to ask, it's just that," Alex finally looked her in the eye once more. "I've missed you so much."
"Yeah?" Warmth spread through her at Alex's words and she let it, not fighting it at the slightest. "Well, I'm right here."
She attempted to let her hand fall out of Casey's, but Casey held fast.
"I miss talking to you," Alex admitted.
"What do you want to talk about then - I have a possible concussion," Casey ran her thumb softly across the back of Alex's hand. "So you might have to think of a conversation starter." There was a dimple threatening to break free on her cheek, as she was trying not to smile.
"What like, torte reform?" Alex smirked.
"New York is wrong not to recognize grief as an element of damage in wrongful death cases," Casey said without hesitation.
"I was joking."
"Oh, well then-" Casey gave her a soft smile.
When Casey looked at her like that, it was always hard to think, she just wanted to stare at her, let the feeling that they were the only two people in the world take over.
"-But don't try to make me laugh," Casey finally said. "I still have a headache. Plus, it feels like the numbing shot they gave me to prep for the stitches has fully kicked in and I'm sure that if I try to laugh with the upper half of my face frozen like I got botox, it would look really weird."
"Okay. I'll try," Alex said, and took another deep breath. "It was good of Rollins to come and get me. I don't think I would have received word so fast otherwise." She pressed her lips together in annoyance. "She guessed that we had been together."
"Well, she knows I was with someone that broke it off, and she's pretty intuitive… She's been a good friend."
"I'm glad you have someone."
"Alex, there's no one else." She squeezed Alex's hand and watched her closely, wanting it to sink in. "There hasn't been anyone since we were involved."
"Involved," Alex finally said. She let go a huffy sigh, but she could feel something starting to shift between them. "I suppose that is a good word for it. I still don't know what I thought we were doing."
"What we were doing was great," Casey said. "But it was also shortchanging ourselves."
"It was," Alex simply agreed.
"When we were involved, I…" Casey sighed. "I spent so much time hoping that I could just get it together again, and that you'd see me in a new light."
"I never needed to see you in a new light," Alex said, with a gentle shake of her head. "There's nothing about you that I'd change. Except maybe the propensity for getting yourself into trouble." She motioned to the gauze, wanting to smoothe her fingers over it, but didn't want to cause pain. "I mean it. You are so uniquely and completely you. You're so beautiful, and strong, and sweet," She smiled an thought about who they both were in the beginning and how much was different now. "I do have to say, I'm glad the swagger came back-"
"I do not swagger." Casey interrupted.
Alex continued without pause, "You do," she said. Casey opened her mouth to protest but Alex put a finger from her free hand lightly against her mouth to halt any argument, and continued, "I like it."
She closed her mouth and Alex pulled her finger back, and straightened They were too close and yet not enough. Casey wanted to pull her even further onto the bed with her.
"Does that mean…"
"What?"
"That you want to get back together?" She asked calmly and steadily, trying to give the smallest push to get Alex to be clear about what she wanted.
"Yes." Alex gently brushed her thumb across Casey's cheek and briefly cupped the non-injured side of her face. "I'd like that," Alex said, slow and strained. "If you- if you're ready and want to too."
"Of course I want to."
Alex smiled tremulously. "I never should have let you go. I just… panicked. I mean, this whole thing was my fault from the beginning."
She put her hand up to stop Casey, who looked like she might want to interrupt again.
"From the very start," Alex continued. "I was the one who couldn't keep my hands off you, I couldn't stay away from you, I couldn't stop talking to you. And by the time you started to-" She looked up toward the ceiling as if the answer were there and she couldn't believe she hadn't seen it.
"It took a long time to realize how much I… it all snuck up on me. And then," Alex paused, feeling too open and way too vulnerable, but Casey was giving her a chance so she took a deep breath. "Then I was afraid if I acknowledged how much I loved you, that I'd lose you too," she continued in a whisper.
Hope, and more, were starting to break out on Casey's face. "You love me?" she said as a smile was taking over.
"Yes."
"Yeah?" Casey repeated with a hint of astonishment, beaming.
"I should have told you a long time ago, I'm sorry. I'm not very good at this."
"Yeah, you are terrible at this," Casey laughed.
"Hey."
"You're good at most things," she said. Her smiled, softened. "There was bound to be something."
Alex's smile faded though, and she tried to back away and cross her arms but Casey wouldn't let go of her hand. "I'm serious though, it should be pretty obvious that I don't know how to do this."
"How to do what exactly?"
"Be with someone."
"That's okay."
"I don't know if we even want the same things… If you're in the same place in what you want for your life."
"Alex," Casey said, trying to catch up and stay in the moment, sitting up more to get closer. "I never needed some grand gesture. I always simply wanted to know you wanted to be with me," she smiled sheepishly. "And that you liked me okay."
Alex cleared her throat. "Of course I like you okay," she said, her tone evening out at the end.
"Then, we can take it slow," Casey said. "It doesn't have to be any more complicated than right now," she placed a hand on Alex's chest. "What is it that you want?"
"The only thing I want is you."
Alex was so earnest that Casey's heart felt like it could burst. Both dimples made an appearance on her face, she couldn't stop smiling. "We'll figure everything else out as it comes."
"You make it sound so simple."
"You are a disturbingly quick study," Casey said. "I have faith in you."
"I've never been comfortable needing anyone or even relying on someone. I already messed this up once."
"Okay."
"I'm serious."
"Okay." Casey said patiently. "But you're not going to talk me out of this. You don't like needing anyone. That's fine. But, maybe it's just nicer to be with somebody. Its okay to have a girlfriend, you know."
"Girlfriend, hmm?" She smiled, shaking her head, feeling a little spent but almost giddy. The relief she felt starting to bubble over into nervous laughter. She looked at the two of them, having this much-too-delayed, serious relationship conversation while huddled together on a hospital bed, holding hands, in a tiny room with a curtain for a door and wondered, "How in the world did we end up here?"
"Well, I let a hot blond pick me up in a bar." Casey laughed and winced at the pain it brought between her temples.
Alex swatted lightly at her in retaliation. "I told you that you needed to reevaluate those grown up decision making skills."
Casey grabbed the offending hand and pulled her closer by it and held that one too. "Maybe someone should help me out with that. You seem to like bossing me around."
"I thought I could do without this," her voice grew serious. "I mean I can-"
"So can I, but I don't want to," Casey said.
"It still doesn't mean I think things will work out."
"I know. It's okay though. You don't have to worry about me. I'm tougher than I look."
"I'm not," Alex said, with painful honesty.
"You don't need to be," she said, gently caressing her hands.
"I still don't like the term girlfriend."
"Well, too bad." Her eyes flashed with mischievous glee. "Because I am absolutely going to call you my girlfriend every chance I get," Casey grinned. "If it helps, you can think of it as preferential treatment, but you can make up your own term if you want."
"Preferential treatment?" She thought it over, watching Casey's shining smile overwhelm her face. "Well, I guess I do like you a bit better than most people."
"See? You're doing fine."
"I really did miss you," Alex said. "I-," she tried to continue, but her throat clenched from the tears rimming her eyes.
"Yeah," Casey said. "I like you okay too."
An easier silence fell around them, finally punctuated by Alex. "How are you feeling?"
Casey laughed again, a release of nervous pent up surprise, "Pretty damn amazing."
Alex sat up a little straighter and gave her a bemused look. "I meant your face. And headache."
"Oh, " Casey continued smiling unabashedly. "My forehead is now completely numb, and the headache is there, but manageable."
"Is it okay if I kiss you, then?"
"I'm a little annoyed that you haven't yet."
"Well, we can't have that." She let go of Casey's hands, brushed the hair back from her shoulder, and gently traced the smile on her lips with her thumb, memorizing the exact expression in the moment before kissing her.
Casey pulled her as close as she could. She ran a hand over Alex's back and into her hair, holding her to the kiss, teasing and then gently biting on Alex's lower lip until she hummed in contentment.
Until the doctor coughed and cleared his throat loudly before sliding the door-curtain open and came into the room.
They broke apart and Alex got up off the bed quickly and stood off to the side, blushing.
Alex Cabot actually blushed.
Casey would have basked in that feat, if she hadn't been sporting a blush herself.
"Sorry about that," Casey said, bashful smile bringing out both dimples. "My girlfriend doesn't like hospitals very much."