It's been a week since... Well, my heart stopped. Everyone has been here all the time. I think they are afraid that if someone isn't here to watch me all the time, my heart will stop again. The doctor didn't find any reason why it stopped. It just did.
Today is Jin's graduation. Yesterday I was shopping with Alice and Ashley. We had fun and it was nice to see Alice laughing after all this bullshit that has been going on. I woke up early to get ready for today. I wouldn't have needed to wake up early if I wouldn't put a wig but because I wanted to try it, I had to wake up early too. Ashley came to help me out and now finally after an hour and a half, I was ready.
The outfit wasn't at all my style but I had let Alice and Ashley pick me something so I guess it was the price that I had to pay. The only thing that I liked was the black wig. I also had breast prostheses because... Well, I didn't have breast anymore and the outfit looked weird if I didn't have them. My clothes were all white and I was actually pretty uncomfortable with the color but I didn't really have any other clothes that I cloud wear so this was my only option. When I walked out of the bathroom I saw Suga and Taehyung standing in the room. They didn't notice me because they were standing their backs against me and talking with Alice.
me: Okay... I'm ready, we can go now.
They both turned around and looked at me. Their mouths dropped and they were staring at me. I was uncomfortable and I just wanted them to stop staring.
me: What's wrong with your faces? Let's go!
Suga glances quickly at Taehuyng and closes his mouth with a finger and whispers something into his ear. Taehuyng looks a little bit scared but then a huge smile comes to his lips and he laughs a little. But after seeing Suga's face he stops laughing and just winks at him. He walks to me and offers his arm and we walk out of the room.
me: What did he say to you?
Tae: Secret...
I look at him with my 'are you fucking serious face' but he just chuckles. Suga and Ashley are walking behind us to the car. We get in the car and we drive to the school.
Time skip
After the ceremony at school, we all went to Jin's parent's house because they had thrown a big party to him. There were a lot of people and most of them looked like Jin's dad's friends and co-workers. The party was filled with people keeping speeches and it got pretty boring after a while because every speech was so similar. There was nothing new in any of them. They were just people trying to get points from Jin's dad. It has been a few hours already and I was bored. I walked around looking for anyone I might know but after a while, when I couldn't find anyone I walked out. There were only a few people outside. I walked to the pool. I was sweating the wig was so uncomfortable and hot. I sat on the pool deck putting my feet in the water. I didn't care that my pants got wet. I startle a bit when someone comes to sit next to me.
?: Why are you here?
me: I could ask you the same thing. Shouldn't you be inside listening to the speeches they are giving to you?
Jin: Yeah... Well, they are for dad anyway so...
me: Yeah...
Jin: You didn't answer my question by the way.
me: I got bored... I tried to look for you guys but I couldn't find you so I came outside. It's so hot there.
Jin: Yeah it is... But didn't Ashley tell you... She and Jungkook left already. Suga also left and others are leaving soon.
me: Oh...Okay.
Then we just sat there in silence just looking at the sky. Only sounds came from the house but it felt like it was somewhere far away. A sudden voice woke me from my thoughts.
?: Jin, I've been looking for you everywhere.
I look at the direction of the sound. I see a beautiful woman walking towards us.
Jin: Sorry mom...
"What, she is Jin's mom? No wonder why he is so handsome..."
Jin's mom: What are you even doing here? Hey, your pans are wet! Why would you put your legs in the water when you have clothes on? And look at your shoes...
She comes next to us and practically lifts Jin up by his shirt. I chuckle a bit seeing it.
Jin: Mom... I'm tired... I'm gonna give Sara a lift back to the hospital.
Jin's mom looks at me and then nods as an approval.
Jin's mom: But come back then... And go from the out... You don't exactly look your best...
Then she leaves and Jin helps me get up.
me: I get now, where you get your looks...
Jin: Okay, let's go.
We walk around the house to the car. As soon as I get in the car I take the wig off.
me: So not using this again.
Jin: Yeah? I was actually surprised to see you dressed like that... That's not your style at all...
me: I know... I let Ashley and Alice style me because I couldn't take their whining anymore and I was tired of shopping after 10 minutes...
Jin laughed. Soon we arrive back to the hospital. He just dropped me off because I didn't let him get out of the car.
I didn't want to get in the hospital just yet so I went to the park to sit on the bench. It was already pretty dark and I could see little stars above me. I closed my eyes and I took a deep breath. It felt good to be alone for a while. Just not to talk to anyone. After a while, I got up and went into the hospital.
Time skip
Next morning
I couldn't sleep all night. I was sweating all over because it was so hot. I tried to go outside at night but It didn't help. I decided to take a shower if it would help a little. I went to the bathroom and I put the shower on. I took off my clothes before going in. The cold water felt good on my skin, but the uncomfortable feeling didn't go away. I turned the shower even colder but it didn't help. It made it worse actually. I sat on the floor. I was shivering but still, something was wrong. I felt so hot and uncomfortable from inside. I had never had this feeling before and I didn't know how to deal with it. I saw a shaver blade on the counter. I think they hadn't taken that away yet... I got up and took it in my hands. I have had episodes but I hadn't cut myself in a while because they had taken all the sharp objects away from us. I went back sitting on the floor. I put the blade on my skin. It felt sharp edge and I really wanted this feeling to go away. I pressed a little and it made a little cut. It felt good. The pain always feels good. I pressed a little more and blood started to flow even harder. Drops of blood fell on the floor and I watched how the water rinsed them into the sewer. I put the blade again on my wrist and I drew a little heart on my skin. It started to bleed so I put it under water and it washed the blood away. I put the blade middle of the heart and now I pressed hard, as hard as I could. The pain felt sweet and bitter at the same time. I knew that the cut was deep. The blood started to burst out of my veins. I got quickly up and took toilet paper and roll it over the cuts. The blood quickly stained the paper in red. I felt my legs slowly giving up and I felt dizzy. I rolled more and more of the paper around my wrist. I sat on the floor and I knew that I had lost too much blood and I would lose my consciousness soon. At that moment I felt my body lose it weight and for a few seconds, I didn't feel anything, not the pain, not the awful feeling inside me, nothing. And then the darkness took me.
After a while
I wake up in the shower. The water is still running. I think I haven't been in here unconscious that long because no one is knocking at the door yet. I got up and turned the shower off. I took the toilet paper off. The blood had mostly stopped and I just made a new wrap with the toilet paper. I got quickly dressed. I had long sleeved oversize hoodie because I didn't want anyone to notice my cuts. When I was ready I got out of the shower. Luckily Alice was still sleeping and I didn't see a lot of the nurses. I went back to my bed and I took one of the books that I hadn't read yet. I had been avoiding this book because it was my mothers favorite but I guess it's time for me to read it.
Time skip
It's already the end of July. They have given me more chemo because in the last check up the tumors hadn't gotten smaller, but luckily they have stopped growing. Now they are trying more aggressive chemo than before. It also has felt more aggressive. I haven't eaten properly the whole summer because of the side effects. Even though I have gotten different kinds of nausea drugs, they haven't worked at all. So the whole summer went feeling sick all the time. Well, it was better every other week, when I didn't have chemo, but in the chemo week, I felt like shit. Now I have chemo 5 times every other week when I used to have 4 times every third week. I wasn't happy about it but I could take it if it would mean that I could get better. Luckily others have been visiting me as much as they could. But I understand that they have their own lives outside of this hospital, and they can't be here all the time. And I don't want them to be here. I want them to enjoy their freedom and summer.
I haven't seen dad in two months now. He has called maybe once a week but that's it. He doesn't even promise to come to see me anymore. Usually, he just asks how I've been and then we just talk about the weather or something else so stupid. I'm not angry at him for not coming to see me but I am angry at him because he hasn't been seeing Luca either. Luca misses his dad and doesn't get why he isn't with us, with him. I don't understand why he is like this... I know that mom's death was hard on him but I really thought that he was getting better. But I guess my illness pushed him right back where he was and maybe even deeper. I just wish that he would come to see me so I could yell at him and make him realize what an asshole he has been. He should be the adult in this family.
I hear a knock on the door and it wakes me from my thoughts.
?: Can I come in?
me: Since when do you ask?
Suga comes in and sits on the couch.
Suga: So, how are you?
me: Fine.
Suga: Care to use more words?
me: Just fine.
He rolls his eyes annoyed.
Suga: What were you thinking before? It was quite hard to get your attention.
me: Nothing...
He looks at me like he doesn't believe and I know that he isn't gonna stop asking unless I give him a satisfactory answer.
me: Dad...
Suga: He hasn't still been here?
me: No...
Suga: That asshole...
me: Hey! He's my dad and I'm the only one who gets to call him that.
Suga: Do you know why he hasn't been here?
me: I don't know... I guess it's just too much for him...
Suga: That's your problem with him... You let him go too easy. You don't demand anything from him and that's why he gets to treat you this shitty.
me: Whatever...
Suga: No, seriously. You should ask and demand him to come to visit you. He'll never come if you don't ask.
me: I have...
Suga: Well I guess he didn't get the point clear enough...
me: Can we talk about something else?... Why are you here?
Suga: I missed you and I just wanted to see you.
"Okay, that's a subject I don't want to talk about either..."
me: Did you bring any books?
He gives me his bag and I take the books out of it. They are very different what I usually read but I can't be picky anymore because I think I have read the whole library already. I take one of the books and I read the back cover. It doesn't sound very appealing but I think I'm gonna read it anyway.
Suga: Hey I didn't come here to watch you read...
me: Don't care.
Suga: Well I do.
He walks next to me and packs all the books back to the bag and throws it on the couch.
me: Hey!
Suga: So... You wanna play something?
I roll my eyes.
me: Whatever...
We play Uno and we actually have a fun time even though I threw up every once in a while. Suga is actually really funny and caring person even though he tries to look otherwise. "His smile is so adorable." I can't help but smile every time I see him smiling. We talk and play games all evening. It really means a lot to me when Suga comes to spend time with me. He usually makes me feel like I don't have cancer. Like I'm just as normal as any other person.
Yoongi's POV
It's getting late and I needed to get back home. Sara decided to walk me to the car. We are still talking when she stops at the doors.
Sara: I can't come further... I forgot to put shoes...
Suga: Are you sure that the chemo is not taking your brain cells too?
She hits me playfully.
Suga: Okay then... I'll see you later.
Just as I'm about to leave she grabs my hand. I turn around to see if she still has something to say. Suddenly she ties her hands around me and hugs me tight. I hug her back. Then she as suddenly she pulls back. I look at her a bit confused. She is looking straight into my eyes without even blinking once.
Sara: I hope that you know how much you mean to me and how much I actually love you.
Then she just turns around and leaves. I don't know what to do. I'm just standing in the doorway dump founded. I see her going in the elevator and then she disappears. I turn around and walk to my car. I get in but I don't start it. I'm just sitting there not knowing what to do. I mean this is what I've hoped right. I love her and all I've wanted is to hear those words. But now... I have no idea what to do. Does she trust me? I mean why did she say that? Would she say that if she didn't trust me? Millions of questions were rolling in my head.
Time skip
the next day
Sara's POV
I was in the chemo room waiting for the nurse to put the tubes in. I didn't know why but somehow I felt anxious. I didn't know what it was about but something didn't feel right. "Maybe it's because Suga isn't here..." The nurse came to connect me to the machine and I just shake the feeling away. "It's probably nothing..."
Matias: So... Your boyfriend isn't coming?
me: He's not my boyfriend... And I don't know. It's not like I care if he's here...
Matias: Yeah, right.
I take a book and I start to read it but I can't concentrate. I check my phone. There's a message from Suga.
Suga; Sorry, I'll be late but I'm coming.
Somehow it makes me a little relieved. I hear ambulances leaving sirens on. I don't feel like reading now so I started to look around. The room is pretty big and open. There are 10 chairs and right now only 5 of them are occupied. Alice isn't here today because she has an intermediate week but luckily Matias is. At least I have someone to talk to. Then out of nowhere, I feel a sharp pain in my chest. I can't breathe properly because it's so painful. And then it just stops as suddenly as it started. "What the fuck was that?"
Matias: Sara are you okay?
me: Hm?
Matias: You were holding your chest like it was hurting or something...
me: No, I'm fine. Just feeling a bit sick.
As soon as the nurse hears that, she quickly gives me a bucket where to puke. I didn't actually need it yet but soon I would so I took it from her. I hear ambulances coming back. I look outside in the hallway and I see a lot of nurses and doctors running somewhere.
me: What do you think has happened?
Matias: Probably some kind of accident... And big one...
me: Yeah...
The same anxious feeling came back. "I hope Suga is fine..." I take the book and start to read it even though I still had that feeling. "I guess Suga comes when he has time."
Author's POV
Jin comes to the treatment room. He is out of breath and looks like he has been crying. He is trying to say something.
Sara: Calm down. No one can understand you.
Jin: I-It's bad...
Sara: What do you mean? Is Luca okay? Where is he?
Jin takes a deep breath and tries to explain what has happened.
Jin: It's your dad... And Luca... And Suga...
Sara: What?!
Jin: There was an accident. And they are all in here, hospital.
Sara: I need to go there! Get these out! Get it out now!
Jin: Sara calm down! Luca is fine...
Sara: But what about dad? Suga?
Jin looks down.
Sara: Get these out!
Sara starts to rip the tubes off. The nurses try to stop her but she just shoves her away. After removing the tubes Sara runs towards the emergency ward. Jin runs after her. After getting to the ward Sara searches for her dad and Luca. Finally, she sees a familiar face in one of the rooms. She runs in but stops at the doorway. She freezes still when she realizes that her dad is lying on the bed. Namjoon is standing next to her. He tries to touch Sara but she shakes his hand away and goes next to the bed. Then she just collapses on the ground crying. Jin comes to the room too. He tries to comfort Sara but she is just crying not being able to move or do anything else. Hoseok comes to the room with Luca. Sara quickly takes him in her in her lap and squeezes tightly. Sara can't stop crying and soon Luca is crying too. Everyone comes in the room. They are standing in the doorway not knowing what to do.
Time skip
Everyone is in Sara's room. They are just quietly sitting. Luca has fallen asleep on Sara's lap. Sara is just sitting on her bed looking at somewhere far away. No one is talking. They don't know what to say or do. Suddenly Sara breaks the silence.
Sara: What about Suga.
She had totally forgotten about Suga.
Jin: He's still in surgery.
No one knew what had happened to him because they weren't family members and the nurses wouldn't tell them anything.
Sara: Why?
Jin: Hm?
Sara: Why were they in the same car?
Jin: I don't know... He said something about surprising you...
Sara: Oh...
Then the silence continued. Sara went back to just staring in front of her and everyone else didn't know what to say. The doctor comes in to do Luca's last check up and also to talk to Sara about her father's situation. The doctor takes Luca's vitals and then starts to talk to Sara.
doc: Sara. We should talk about the arrangements.
Sara is still just staring not even looking at the doctor.
Jin: Sara.
Jin nudges a little Sara and she comes back to reality.
doc: We should talk about your fathers funeral.
Sara just gets up from the bed and leaves the room without saying a word. Everyone looks after her dumbfounded.
Time skip
Next day
Jin came to the hospital to see if they would tell him about Suga's situation but they wouldn't. He was frustrated and didn't even notice that he had just walked to Sara's room. J-Hope and Jimin were there too. They were just looking at Sara who still was staring ahead.
Jin: So... Has she said anything about his father or...
Jimin: No. Still nothing... She just keeps sitting and staring ahead.
Jin: Oh...
J-Hope: So, did you get any information on Suga?
Jin: No.
J-Hope: I guess we have to wait until his parents arrive... I bet they would tell Sara if she just asked...
Jin: Maybe...
They all were looking at Sara. She hadn't talked anything after yesterday. After awhile Jimin and J-Hope leave the hospital and only Jin remains. He sits next to Sara and hugs her.
Jin: I know you are hurting... But you should be thinking about your father funeral.
I tear falls on Sara's cheek.
Sara: I... can't.
That was all she said. Then she pulled her legs closer to her chest and put her head down. She wasn't crying. She didn't do anything, just sat there not speaking or doing anything else. Jin didn't know what to do. He slowly lifted his hand and lightly stroked Sara's hair.
Time skip
in two days
The school was starting with others but they had still been visiting Sara. They had taken sifts so that someone would be there with her all the time. Not that it was necessary or even noticed. Sara was just sitting or sleeping. She didn't speak to anyone. Even Luca couldn't get her to speak. Everyone was worried about her. She hadn't eaten anything and she was fading in front of their eyes and they felt weak because there wasn't anything they could do. They had tried to feed her but she hadn't taken anything. She just sat there, and no one knew how to help her.
Suga's parents finally come to the hospital. Jin and J-Hope had picked them from the airport and now they all were in the hospital standing outside of Suga's room.
Suga's mom: What's wrong with my son.
doc: The car accident caused a lot of internal bleeding and bone fractions. We were able to fix the fractions in the surgery and we got the bleeding to stop. Right now he is stable but...
The doctor took a deep breath before continuing.
doc: But he suffered big trauma to his head too.
Suga's mom gasps for air.
doc: There were bleeding and swelling in his brain. So we also performed surgery on his brain and we got the bleeding end for now but the swelling hasn't decreased at all and we had to perform a Decompressive craniectomy which means that we had to surgically remove a piece of his skull to lower the brain pressure. The brain is swollen, whereby the intracranial pressure is elevated and the purpose of the treatment is to release the pressure inside the skull. The operation was successful but we, his surgical team, made a decision to induce him medically induced coma to allow the brain to heal from the severe swelling and internal bleeding, and also prevent him from feeling intense physical pain.
Suga's mother was now crying. She sat on the chair and Suga's dad sat next to her. Jin and J-Hope were in shock.
Jin: "How could one person survive with a fractured arm and one died instantly and one has severe injuries. I need to ask a favor from Namjoons dad. I really want to know what happened in that accident."
The doctor and Suga's dad discuss a while in the hallway when others went into the room. Suga was connected to a ventilator and he looked really rough. J-Hope couldn't look at him he rushed out of the room quickly. Jin and Suga's mom stayed. They sat next to Suga. Suga's mom was still crying desperately. Jin just sat there not knowing what to do. He couldn't bear to see his friend like that. After a while, he got up and left the room too. Jin walked around the hospital deep in his thoughts when he finally realized that he was walking towards Sara's room.
Jin: "Would she like to know..?"
He got in and saw J-Hope and Jimin in the room. He saw from Jimin's face that J-Hope had told him. Jin looked Sara's face but it was lifeless. She looked pale but you couldn't see what she was thinking. Jin went next to her and looked her right in the eyes. She flinched a bit like she was brought back to the earth.
Jin: Do you wanna see him?
Sara didn't say anything just stared at Jin's eyes. You couldn't see any movement in her face. It was like she had stoned to that position. Then she moved and Jin already thought that she would go see Suga but she just lied on to the bed and closed her eyes. Jin looked at her surprised. He had thought that Sara would wanna see him. Everyone was surprised by her actions but right now they had more important things to do. They had to tell the others about Suga.