TITLE: Just Lonely Chapter 10
PAIRINGS:
Pezberry (Santana/Rachel)
Brittana (Santana/ Brittany)
RATING: M
A/N: Thank you to those of you who liked the last chapter I know some of you didn't because of what Rachel did but remember she didn't do it for her or Santana's pleasure she did it to prove her point that Santana wanted her. It wasn't just sex to write sex. In case you didn't notice Rachel was rather bitter about it and the things she asked and said to Santana during it weren't exactly romantic were they? If you didn't pick up on her spiteful attitude at the time go back and re-read it and see. I know you all want Britt and Kurt gone so Pezberry can get back on track and I can assure you they will leave in the next chapter.
I'm gonna start a review response before each chapter I won't mention all of them but thank you to everyone who left a lovely review. I have to laugh when I get a rude one because I'm reading it and thinking 'has glee taught you nothing?'
Review response:
ichigo111981: Don't lose respect for Rachel I told you she did it for a reason and it will help move the story along I promise.
sammywammy1120: Thank you I see you understand.
Me1313: Yes Santana needs to stand up already. She does still love Brittany but that love has changed unfortunately that is life but she does still love her. It's just complicated.
broadwaybound2016: Wow that's a lot of excitement haha, glad to hear it. It's good you love the story I appreciate your support :)
LovingJacobBlack: A lot of questions haha. Okay so yes they are still there but they will be leaving in the next chapter. Rachel will go out with someone when Britt and Kurt have gone, though I'm not gonna say who it will be just yet. Rachel knows what she wants and though she may not have the strength to get it she certainly has the smarts ;)
Ariana2112: Thank you I try really hard with this story so that's great to hear. Hope you continue to read and enjoy.
greenstacks89: I couldn't really work out if you were being positive or negative but as you use the word 'lame' I'm gonna guess the latter. I can assure you I have nothing 'lame' planned for this story but if that's the way you view it then I don't really know why you are reading it to be honest. Brittany isn't a violent person and I have no intention of writing her as such but I know what I have planned is much better than her just running away like a baby but I guess you won't find out as you believe it to be 'lame' so won't be reading it right? I will be dealing with things in a realistic way while keeping the people who do like the story happy at the same time.
Ok so that's it for now everyone else that I didn't respond to thank you for the reviews you guys are great keep them coming :) On with the real reason why you are all here…(Big revelation at the end of this chapter)
Since the 'incident' Rachel had practically ignored Santana, giving her the cold shoulder and silent treatment whenever she had the chance.
Rachel acted the same way the next day, constantly avoiding eye contact and deliberately leaving the room if Santana were to enter and Santana couldn't work out what game she was playing. Why was Rachel suddenly being so cold to her now when before she couldn't stop trying to get her to admit her feelings for her? The idea Rachel was playing with her like this just hurt but then she knew she had been doing the same thing to Rachel, even if she didn't mean it.
Santana was pretty smart and she knew Rachel was trying to get a rise out of her of some kind; she wanted to get the Latina to admit that there was something between them even if they both didn't really know how to define whatever the hell they actually were.
The way Rachel was acting was completely out of character, she was usually so loud and upfront but Santana had never seen her so uncaring. And Santana had to admit it was getting to her. She couldn't even have sex with her own girlfriend that night because she couldn't stop thinking about Rachel, which had to mean something right?
The next morning Santana was sat in the kitchen rather depressed as she drunk her coffee. Not only was she overwhelmed with so many new yet old feelings she also knew tonight was Brittany's last night in New York City. Which meant after today she and Rachel would have no shield, there would be no barrier and she didn't know if she would be able to control herself.
She had let Rachel go down on her when Brittany was just simply out of the apartment; god knows how her body would react once Brittany was back in Lima. She groaned just thinking about it, burying her face into her arms on the kitchen table.
Brittany was in the bathroom taking a hot morning shower while Rachel was still asleep at least Santana assumed she was. Not that Santana had noticed but Rachel had clearly been avoiding her and apparently now she was sleeping in till late just so she didn't have to get up and deal with life.
Santana just hoped she wasn't planning on staying with this new routine when she has to go back to school in a few days.
Santana let out a loud sigh just thinking about how in such a short time her life and relationship with Rachel had grown to be the most confusing thing she'd ever had to deal with. She never expected anything to come between her and Brittany, she always assumed her relationship with the blond was sturdy and unbreakable and she wished it still was. She always imagined herself growing old with Brittany, having a life and a family with her and definitely marrying her, but now she had no idea what the future held for her. Santana wished so hard she could just go back in time and stop all this from happening in the first place.
"Morning" a chipper voice sounded as Kurt entered the kitchen.
"How can you be so fucking bouncy in the morning?" Santana asked with another groan.
"Maybe because I'm not cheating on my girlfriend with the girl I room with" he smile as he grabbed some breakfast cereal and poured it into a bowl
Santana quickly shot him a glare "Shut the fuck up Kurt" she hushed him as she looked towards the door to make sure Brittany wasn't around.
Kurt chuckled at the Latina's overreaction "Relax I wouldn't have said it if I knew she was there. But I'm not the bad guy here remember, that's your role" he pointed at her with a spoon as he sat down with his quickly made cereal. There was no milk or sugar, he was just basically eating a bowl of 'Fruit Loops' with nothing on them.
"Don't you think I know that? You think I don't feel bad enough as it is?" she growled.
He shrugged "I don't know what to think anymore Santana. I have no clue what's really going on inside you right now but I could guess. Though I don't really wanna end up backed up against the wall again so I'm gonna leave it alone for now"
Santana rolled her eyes.
"Anyway I wanted to talk to you" Kurt said.
"Look if this is another lecture Hummel please save it ok? I've had enough for a lifetime" Santana shook her head not wanting to hear it.
"No actually I was gonna suggest that you and I should cook dinner for the girls tonight. I mean it's mine and Brittany's last day and night in New York before we have to leave and I think it would be nice to just have one civil dinner together" he explained.
Santana looked at him from across the kitchen table. She liked the idea but she knew it wouldn't be as 'fun' as Kurt hoped it would be. "I don't know Kurt I mean Rachel isn't even looking in my direction right now let alone talking to me, I just don't think-"
Kurt cut her off "Enough. I don't want to hear what you can't do Santana. For once tell me what you can do"
"But I can barely even cook" she shrugged.
"You don't have to, I am an awesome cook. All you have to do is help and I'm sure you can chop vegetables right?"
"Of course"
"Then it's settled, me and you are cooking for our ladies tonight. Whoever your lady is, is still to be determined"
Santana narrowed her eyes at Kurt again "Brittany. Brittany is my woman Kurt. I love Brittany" she stated.
"Aww I love you too baby" a sweet voice interrupted.
Both teens turned to see said blond walking into the kitchen. Brittany was dressed and had wet hair as she yawned and walked towards her girlfriend. She dropped down on Santana's lap and wrapped her arms around the Latina's neck before pressing a gentle kiss to her lips.
"Morning baby" Brittany greeted moving some of Santana's dark hair to the side so she could see her gorgeous girlfriend's face.
"Morning" Santana replied with a soft smile and then shot another glare at Kurt who just shook his head and rolled his eyes. It hurt him keeping such a secret from Brittany but he wasn't about to break the girl's heart, he knew that was up to Santana.
"Good morrow Kurt" Brittany said in a very realistic British accent before cracking into a fit of giggles as Santana tried her best to hold on to the blond girl to keep her from tumbling off her lap.
Kurt threw the girl a salute "Top of the morning Brittany dear" he replied in his own version of a British accent, though it wasn't quite as good as the girl's. In fact it was so bad Santana and Brittany burst into an even louder laughter and Kurt just frowned. "Hey she started it" he moaned pointing to Brittany who settled down into the seat next to Santana before stealing some of Kurt's cereal with her bare hands.
"Ooh I love Fruit Loops" she announced as she tipped the handful she had grabbed into her mouth.
Kurt rolled his eyes with a smile "Sure Britt help yourself" he said sarcastically as he pushed his bowl towards the blond so she didn't have to stretch so much to steal his breakfast.
"Don't mind if I do" Brittany laughed.
"Well I didn't seem to the first time" he smiled at her as she excitedly took another handful.
"Hey, where's Rachel isn't she normally up by now?" Brittany wondered as she chewed on her stolen cereal (though if you asked her she would say she liberated it rather than stole it)
"Oh I think she's still asleep-" Santana started but was soon cut off by Kurt.
"No actually she's been up for hours. Said she couldn't sleep last night, so she went out to have some time to herself. I think she said she was meeting up with Brody or something" Kurt shrugged.
"Brody?" Santana asked with slight jealousy though she clearly tried not to sound it.
"Who's Brody?" Brittany wondered looking back and forth between her girlfriend and Kurt.
Kurt shrugged again "Apparently he's like this really hot guy at NYADA. I've never met him but I've seen a pic from her phone and I have to admit he is pretty yummy. Actually they've been spending a lot of time together recently and I know he has a crush on Rachel. I think they'd make a cute couple. What do you think Santana?" Kurt asked trying oh so hard to hide his smirk.
Santana glared at Kurt, she knew exactly what the boy was trying to do but it wasn't going to work. "Whatever, if Rachel wants to whore around that's her choice, I couldn't give a shit"
"Ooh do you think he was the one who gave Rachel that hickey when we first got here?" Brittany said almost in awe of the possibility.
"No, it wasn't him!" Santana stated louder than she had meant.
"Well if it wasn't Brody then who was it? Maybe she's got a secret boyfriend on the side" Kurt chuckled knowing how much he was winding up the Latina right now. "I mean it's not like you can know everything about Rachel Santana. How do you know it wasn't him?"
"Whatever I'm done with this conversation. I don't give a fuck who Rachel sells herself to. She's none of my business" she practically growled at Kurt with a threatening frown before standing up and taking her coffee and walking out the kitchen not wanting to hear anymore.
Brittany looked confused as she turned to Kurt "What's her problem?"
"What isn't her problem?" he retorted almost bitterly.
A couple of hours later…
Santana was sat lazily on the couch with a can of coke in her hand occasionally sipping at it while flicking through the TV channels trying to find anything to keep her entertained. Kurt walked into the room with an apron on and a stern look. He dropped a single brightly coloured sticky note on her lap and looked down at her.
Santana was caught off guard by the paper and embarrassingly enough she actually jumped when it floated down in front of her face before landing at her crotch. She picked it up and frowned at it. "What the fuck is this?" she asked the boy who still stood there expectantly.
"What does it look like Santana?"
"It looks like your grandma's grocery list"
"Close. It's actually our grocery list. That's the stuff I need you to get for the dinner tonight" he stated
Santana read the list, there wasn't too much to get but half of it she had never heard of before. "Why do I have to get this crap?"
"Because I'm the one who will be doing most of the cooking and so I'm giving you a job I know you can actually do" he smiled at her.
Santana stood up from the couch putting down her soda to confront the boy "And where am I supposed to get this stuff, most of these are vegan ingredients"
"The same place Rachel gets it any other time. That little vegan store a couple of blocks from here she always talks about" Kurt informed her.
Santana scrunched up her nose and groaned "Oh but it smells weird in there and the cashier is like a thousand years old" she whined remembering it well from the times Rachel had dragged her around it.
"Santana we are about to cook dinner for both of your girlfriends, I think a funky aroma and an ancient cashier are the least of your worries" he gave a half sympathetic smile before it turned into a smirk.
Santana shoved Kurt away "Fuck off Hummel. You're just lucky I got paid last week" she said knowing how much some of this crap cost. She quickly grabbed her jacket and threw it on before picking up her keys.
"And don't be too long, we have a time limit here Satan!" Kurt yelled at her as he danced back into the kitchen. Santana threw him the finger but knew he wasn't looking; this was no time for dancing.
Santana opened the front door making sure to shove the list into her jacket pocket before leaving the apartment. She made her way towards the elevator in their apartment building and waited for the doors to open.
She heard the ping as the elevator reached her floor and the doors open she was just about to step in when Rachel stepped out. Not really looking where she was going Rachel walked right into Santana almost knocking her down. "Oh I'm so sor- oh it's just you" Rachel stopped and her smile instantly faded when she saw Santana.
Santana's already deep frown grew deeper when Rachel tried to walk off without another word. She reached out and grabbed the diva's arm. "Hey wait Rach"
Rachel stopped briefly but didn't turn around to look at Santana "Let go of me Santana. I told you I'm done with you"
"No I won't, we need to talk" Santana insisted walking around Rachel so the girl would look at her.
Rachel just crossed her arms over her chest and darted her eyes away from the Latina. "What do you want Santana. You want to tell me how much you love Brittany? Or maybe you wanna describe the last time you two had sex?" the smaller girl asked bitterly.
"Don't start that Rachel, it's not like you haven't been out slutting it up with that jerk from school"
Rachel's eyes locked onto Santana's angry ones for the first time "Like you can talk Santana, you want me but you want Brittany, you can't have it both ways and you have no right to tell me who I can and can't see. I like Brody he's a good friend and it's none of your business what or who I do" Rachel shouted defending herself.
"You're doing this deliberately Rachel, you don't even like him in that way you're just leading him on to make me jealous and you know it. You know I hate him, he's a punk and he doesn't treat girls the way they should be treated. He's just a player!" Santana barked
Rachel gave a humourless laugh "God you have some fucking nerve Santana, like you treat me with any respect anymore. And I'm not doing it to make you jealous it's not like I'm your girlfriend or anything you have no claim over me. If I want to be with Brody then I will be with Brody"
The girls both stood in the hallway looking at each other as a silence took over them. Neither girl wanted to speak next. Rachel knew she was in fact doing this to make Santana jealous but she wasn't about to tell her that. And Santana couldn't take the thought of that bastard touching her girl even if Rachel wasn't really her girl.
Santana sighed and opened her mouth first, though this time her words were softer almost as if all her anger was drained away and she had nothing left inside her "Why are you acting like this?"
Rachel looked deep into Santana's eyes; she could see the defeat in them so she too also lowered her tone. "Like what?"
"Like you don't care anymore" Santana shrugged not really knowing how else to put it.
Rachel chuckled again, just as humourlessly as the first time then she shrugged her shoulders just like Santana did. "Because I don't anymore Santana. I have tried to show you how I feel and you just throw it back in my face. I'm done wasting my emotion on you when you clearly don't care"
Santana felt her heart break more than she was willing to admit when she heard how broken Rachel sounded, how broken Rachel physically looked and as she looked into Rachel's eyes it was clear the diva had been crying most of the morning. "I've never said I don't care about you Rachel"
"Yeah well you could have fooled me. You've spent the past two weeks acting like I don't even exist and to be honest Santana I'm sick of it. I want to move on. I wish I could just forget you and everything I feel for you but I can't, no matter how much I try or cry I can't do it. I can't because my heart won't let me and do you know how that makes me feel? How you make me feel?" Rachel's eyes were filling with brand new tears and Santana could feel the sting of her own tears listening to the girl speak.
She knew Rachel had feelings for her but to have Rachel stand so broken and defeated in front of her, it was like the smaller girl was naked and exposing every last piece of herself. Santana could practically feel the hurt Rachel was feeling reflecting into her own heart, because honestly she had been feeling the same thing.
There was more silence as the girls just stood there but Rachel soon broke it by speaking up once more and continuing, slightly more confidently this time.
"If you're so cool acting like you don't care then so can I be. I'm giving up Santana. I'm done with feeling like crap around you" Rachel shrugged before wiping at the tears that had begun to stream down her face.
Santana went to speak but Rachel quickly stopped her "Maybe one day you'll open your eyes and see the truth but until then I can't keep doing this, feeling like this. I need to let you go and I can only do that if I'm not surrounded by you and so we shouldn't be doing this anymore"
Though Rachel's words hurt, Santana knew Rachel was right. They shouldn't be doing what they have been doing. It was wrong and she had known that all along. Even if they hadn't had sex for a while it was still wrong to be having these feelings especially when she had Brittany only a few feet away.
"Maybe you're right, we shouldn't be doing this and we need to stop" the Latina stated not at all confident with what she was saying like Rachel had appeared to be.
Honestly Rachel was hoping Santana would say something else but she didn't. She just stood there like she had done every other time they had talked about this afraid to say what was really on her mind. So Rachel only had one choice.
"Maybe I should just move out"
Santana's eyes shot wide, but she didn't know what to say. The next thing she knew her mouth was opening and she was responding "Yeah maybe you should"
Rachel shook her head disappointed Santana still couldn't speak her heart. "Fine" was all Rachel replied before pushing past Santana and continuing towards their shared apartment.
"Rachel, wait!" Santana called out but Rachel only responded by slamming the door to their apartment after she had stepped inside. "Fuck!" Santana curse to herself. "Fucking idiot Lopez" she growled and clenched her fists as she stormed back towards the elevator and smashed at the button to get it back up.
Rachel on the other hand ran straight to her room before Kurt or worse Brittany could come to greet her and collapsed on her bed to overthink everything.
At the Vegan store:
Santana was still half pissed and half depressed. She was mad at Rachel for wanting to leave her and for fooling around with other people but she knew she didn't have to the right to be. Rachel had stated that very clearly and she knew the diva was right. But she was also pissed at herself. How she could not only treat Rachel in the way she had been recently but also make Rachel believe that she didn't care about her.
The sheer thought of Rachel moving out of their apartment because of her upset her. She didn't want to live there without Rachel; she didn't want to wake up each morning knowing Rachel wasn't around. Or know she would walk into the kitchen for her morning coffee and not see Rachel already awake and alert ready for college while she herself was still half dead.
With all her emotions once again flooding her heart and mind with confusion Santana picked up a shopping basket and pulled out the list that Kurt gave her. Some of the stuff she recognised knowing Rachel had purchased them before so those things were pretty easy to find.
The rest of the stuff she had to ask a shop assistant for help to find due to the fact she couldn't be bothered to search for them knowing Kurt wanted her back as quickly as possible. Plus with all her emotions flying out of control right now she knew she wouldn't be able to concentrate on finding the named brands Kurt had written down.
Once the basket was full of the ingredients she was sent to pick up Santana went towards the check-out. She smiled when she saw that the old lady that was usually working the checkout was replaced by a much younger girl, about her age. Santana recognised her from the many trips to the store she had been on with Rachel and the girl smiled at her when she put her items on the conveyor belt to pay for them.
"Hey Santana" the girl greeted happily, it wasn't a surprise the girl knew her name, she was pretty sure Rachel was rather friendly with most of the staff in the store as she was like their best customer after all.
"Hey, how's it going?" Santana replied not actually knowing the pretty girl's name herself but she was rather happy the girl was faster at putting the items through the check-out than the old lady was.
"It's going good how about you?"
"Um…I'm good" Santana replied slowly not really wanting to get into a conversation about her many romantic problems with a girl she only knew by face.
"That's $21.39 cents" the girl stated putting her items into a grocery bag.
"Wow you're fast at that" Santana chuckled as she handed over some money to pay.
"I'm fast at a lot of things" she husked in a flirty way before winking at Santana.
"Oh…ok" Santana smiled back not really knowing if that was meant to be sexy or not.
"I'm surprised you need more food already, Rachel was in here earlier" the girl said guessing her flirting wasn't really working the way she had hoped.
Santana frowned "Wait she was? When?"
The girl shrugged "I don't know a couple of hours ago maybe. I think she was just like hanging around here to be honest, she didn't buy much"
"That's weird…was she with a dude, a cocky looking dude?"
"No she was alone. Why is there a problem or something?" the girl wondered.
Santana shook her head "No everything's fine. I'll catch you later, I gotta go cook a stupid dinner that's guaranteed to be the most awkward thing I've ever had to sit through" Santana moaned picking up her bag of overpriced groceries and waving to the girl before leaving.
"Bye San"
Back at the apartment:
Santana returned to the apartment even more confused, it didn't sound like Rachel was out with Brody at all this morning like Kurt had claimed she was. She wondered if Rachel was lying to her but it wasn't like it mattered whether Rachel was single or hooking up with Brody it still wasn't her problem because Rachel wasn't her girlfriend. A fact the diva herself and even her own heart kept reminding her of daily.
Santana choose not to question the situation for now, she needed to get through tonight. After all this was the last day she would get to be with her actual girlfriend Brittany before the blond left and she wanted to enjoy it the best she could and make it memorable for the girl. Though the simple thought that Rachel was going to move out just wouldn't leave her mind, she kept reminding herself of how much she would miss Rachel if she wasn't around.
Santana held the grocery bag in one hand while opening the door to her apartment with the other. She stumbled inside and kicked the door closed behind her before making her way into the kitchen where Kurt already had some pots and pans heating up on the oven burners.
"Finally!" Kurt exclaimed as he saw Santana enter the room with the much needed ingredients.
"What do you mean 'finally' I was only gone like an hour Hummel" Santana complained.
"Just quit arguing and wash your hands then go cut those vegetable on the side and make sure you cut them finely and not in massive chunks" he ordered pointing to a bunch of green and red vegetables on the kitchen counter.
Santana rolled her eyes and got to chopping once her hands were clean. "Where's…um…where's Brittany?"
"She's getting washed up for dinner. She got really excited when I told her we were actually cooking for her. Well she got excited after laughing at the fact you would be doing anything in the kitchen that was more than heating up a ready meal" Kurt chuckled. "But what you really meant to ask was 'where's Rachel', right?"
Santana stopped cutting for a few seconds "Um…where is Rachel?" she asked not even bothering to pretend she wasn't thinking of the girl.
"Well the last time I checked she was in her bedroom crying about you as usual" Kurt sighed.
"What do you mean as usual? She's cried about me before, like a lot?" Santana turned to Kurt.
"What do you think Santana? God you really are oblivious sometimes. You're worse than a straight guy" Kurt shook his head in disbelief.
Santana didn't reply. She knew Rachel had teared up over her but she didn't really know the girl spent a long time sobbing profusely over her. She continued chopping the vegtbales for the next twenty minutes getting destracted by the many thoughts running through her mind about everything she had learned so far today.
Rachel was moving out. Rachel was lying to her. Rachel cried over her. All of these things made Santana's chest hurt.
Brittany came bouncing into the room as Santana continued chopping and Kurt was busy doing the actual cooking, aka the hard part of the whole plan. But to be honest Kurt didn't trust Santana to go near his dish. He wanted it to be perfect in order to cheer Rachel up and plus he was gay and was meant to be good at stuff like this and he'd be damn if he fucked this up because Santana put a finger wrong.
"Hey baby" Brittany smiled as she walked up behind Santana and wrapped her arms around the Latina's hips before planting a kiss on the girl's tanned smooth neck. "Hmm you smell sweaty"
"It's the onions" Santana replied pointing to the half chopped onion she was working her way through.
Brittany could see the tears that were streaming down her girlfriend's face and wiped at them "Oh my god babe why are you crying?" she laughed a little at the sight of Santana's red eyes.
Santana wiped at her eyes herself before answering "It's the fucking onions" she insisted with a growl and flipped Kurt the finger when he too joined in on the laughing.
"Put them in that pot once you're done sobbing over them" Kurt giggled gesturing towards a boiling pot on top of the oven.
Santana sneered at him before finishing the onion off and dropping it into the said pot.
"Ooh is there anything I can do to help?" Brittany asked with bright eyes.
"No Britt this is your treat just sit back and relax" Santana smiled.
The blond just sat down at the kitchen table and pouted back at her girlfriend "Oh but I wanted to help. You're all sweaty and Kurt is rushed off his feet doing all the cooking. Isn't there anything I can do?"
"Well I guess you could set the table, dinner will be ready soon" Kurt suggested and Santana nodded.
"Yay I get to help!" Brittany bellowed as she jumped back up and went to get the plates and cutlery from the drawers.
Santana went to the sink to wash her face of tear stains before looking at Kurt "Why did you lie to me this morning?" she asked softly as she towel dried her face.
"What do you mean?" he questioned.
Santana looked over at her girlfriend who was setting out plates and utensils so perfectly she wasn't listening anyway, she was far too busy making sure they all lined up. "You said Rachel was out with Brody but I know for a fact she was alone this morning"
Kurt stopped all movement and looked at Santana "Why do you even care Santana? Why does it matter anyway? In fact I'm pretty sure this morning you said you didn't give a crap"
"I don't I just don't like being lied to" Santana tried to get mad over the lie but she just couldn't. She still felt drained of all emotion and it was hard to be mad over something that in theory had nothing to do with her.
"Santana look, this is the last night Brittany and I will be here. Don't ruin it" Kurt stated simply before going back to stir his sauce.
The heat of the kitchen was starting to get to her as well as her overflow of emotions and feelings so she stormed out of the kitchen and into the living room only to find Rachel standing there holding her cell phone up to her ear.
"So it's cool? Ok thanks so much Brody, bye" she caught the end of Rachel's conversation before Rachel hung her phone up and turned around to see Santana standing there. Her temporary smile instantly dropped. "What are you spying on me now?" she asked looking down at her phone.
Santana ignored her childish question to ask one of her own "Why were you taking to him?"
"I called him. He said I could stay at his place until I find a place of my own" Rachel said noting the immediate empty look that appeared on Santana's face. She had never seen Santana so pale before. In fact she didn't even think it was possible for Santana to get that pale but here she was proving her wrong. Rachel waited for the Latina to say something but when nothing came out of the girl's mouth she spoke again. "Santana-"
"Whatever!" Santana was quick to interrupt not wanting Rachel to repeat it. "Do what you want" she whispered so quietly Rachel almost didn't hear her before she rushed to her bedroom slamming the door shut behind her.
Rachel sighed and just walked back into her room. It was obvious Santana was jealous but maybe it wasn't working the way she originally hoped her plan would. Santana was still too stubborn to admit to anything or so it would seem.
Santana felt a sudden rage of jealousy rush over her and lashed out, kicking the first thing she came into contact with which just so happened to be her dresser. She hit it hard with the tip of her shoe and instantly regretted it.
"FUCK!" she growled as the pain throbbed through her foot. She stumbled back to her bed and sat down holding her injured foot close to her as she gritted her teeth through the pain and tugged off her shoe.
She couldn't just let Rachel walk out of her life like she was planning on doing could she? She knew it would be best, if they didn't see each other constantly at least she wouldn't keep getting these urges towards the small brunette if she wasn't around to be seen. Out of sight out of mind right? Wrong. She couldn't bare the thought of it and she didn't want it to become a reality in her life.
"San dinner is ready" Brittany popped her head around the bedroom door to announce. Santana looked up and saw Brittany's blond head smiling at her but when the girl noticed Santana was in pain she immediately walked further into the room to console her. "Oh my god, San are you ok baby?" she asked frantically, sitting down on the bed next to her girlfriend.
Brittany placed her hands where Santana's were on her foot before knocking the smaller pair off to take over rubbing the injury. "I'm fine Britt. It's just a stubbed toe, nothing serious" the Latina lied. It did hurt like a bitch.
"Aww baby let me make it better" Brittany suggested and got on her knees in front of Santana to kiss her toe better. She placed several soft and gentle loving kisses to her sock covered toe.
"Britt come on you'll get sock in your mouth" Santana chuckled watching her girlfriend continue to care for her pain.
Brittany smiled up at the Latina "Hmm but I got you to smile again didn't I?" she giggled before leaning up to press another kiss to Santana's lips.
Santana happily accepted the kiss and she realised this was the first real kiss the couple had shared in some time where she wasn't stiff or attempting to pull away. She liked it, feeling Brittany's soft lips against hers; it reminded her of everything she had been risking by having this affair or whatever it was with Rachel. But as Brittany pulled back and they locked eyes, crystal blue with chocolate brown, she couldn't help but feel that it just wasn't the same as it once used to be not that long ago.
"Are you ok?" Brittany nervously questioned.
Santana bit her bottom lip before answering "I'm good Britt. I just wanna have a perfect evening with you because I won't see you again after this"
Brittany chuckled "again? San I'm not dying, I'm just going back to Lima. We will still have the phone calls and Skype and I'm not going anywhere remember? Besides you said you'd come visit me at home for a weekend real soon remember you said that?" Brittany nudged her girlfriend.
"Of course I remember" Santana smiled as she cupped the blond's face.
"Then don't be a sad panda. Let's just have fun tonight and make the most of it" Brittany stated placing her hand over Santana's that was still against her cheek. She leaned into it and placed a kiss to the Latina's palm. "I love you"
Santana smiled but didn't respond with words; instead she pulled her girlfriend in for another kiss.
"Santana! Brittany! Come on dinner will get cold!" Kurt's voice interrupted the sweet embrace and both girls pulled away with a sigh.
"Fucking Hummel" Santana groaned and put her shoe back on.
"Come on baby, let's go eat" Brittany said excitedly and held her hand out for Santana to take.
In the kitchen:
Kurt was busy pouring his Hummel recipe sauce over the pasta he had made. It may have looked simple but Kurt would battle to the death to ensure it wasn't. The smell filled the whole apartment and made mouths water. Rachel had made her way into the kitchen and was making herself a nuisance by trying to steal some of the pasta.
"Hey if I catch you stealing one last time I'm gonna smack you with this" Kurt threatened the girl with his wooden spoon and a playful frown. Rachel giggled (for once) as she reached for a bread roll Kurt had set out in a basket but only got the wooden spoon to the back of her hand.
"Hey that hurt" she whimpered with fake tears.
Kurt shrugged "I did warn you Miss Berry" he laughed before going back to plating up the food.
Rachel turned around to take her seat at the kitchen table when she saw Brittany walk in pulling Santana along hand in hand. Her smile quickly faded as she looked away, Santana couldn't help but notice the instant change in atmosphere when they entered the room and from instinct let go of Brittany's hand.
The blond was oblivious and left Santana behind her as she went over to where the fantastic smell was coming from. "Wow that smells better than armpits Kurt" she said in awe as she watched Kurt work.
"I'll take that as a compliment coming from you Britt" he chuckled knowing the girl's odd fetish for said body part. Brittany just frantically nodded as she also attempted to grab a bread roll only to be threatened by Kurt's wooden weapon also.
Santana anxiously took her seat opposite Rachel at the table, the diva was looking down at the floor while Santana just stared at her. She thought about making small talk but what was the point Rachel had made up her mind. Rachel wanted to leave her and with that thought in mind she couldn't help the sting she felt in her chest. Santana refused to let any tears fall though; she wasn't going to cry over a girl that wasn't her girlfriend.
Santana could hear Brittany and Kurt giggling over to her right side but they were so drowned out they sounded like they were a million miles away. All she could hear clearly was her heartbeat and the only thing in focus was Rachel. The girl was beautiful there's no denying that. It was here Santana realised just how stupid she had been, trying to have a friends-with-benefits relationship with a girl like Rachel was just stupid. She was so smart, funny, lovable, talented and gorgeous, how could someone not fall for her?
"Here we go" Kurt's voice broke Santana out of her thoughts as the boy placed a steaming hot plate of pasta down in front of her and another down in front of Rachel. "Enjoy pasta a la Kurt Hummel" he said before walking off to go and get his own.
Brittany came over with her plate and took a seat next to Santana. The blond admired the talentedly chopped vegetables her girlfriend had created. Kurt threw off his apron and joined the girls at the table next to Rachel. He was facing Brittany while Santana was facing Rachel, he realised maybe he should have positioned the chairs a little better because now this just got even more awkward. Oh well he figured the girls could use some time to actually be in the same room in a civil manner and with clothes on of course.
Santana still completely lost in her thoughts picked up her fork and dipped it into her food bringing a forkful of pasta to her lips. Another decision she instantly regretted once the steaming hot sauce burnt her lips.
"Holy crap! That's fucking hot." She dropped her fork back on the table before reaching for the glass of water next to her. She chugged it down while Brittany just sat there giggling and Kurt attempting not to laugh because he didn't want to get his ass kicked again.
When Santana had cooled her lips and went to put the almost empty glass back on the table she caught a glimpse of Rachel finally looking at her, a small smile tugging at the diva's lips, a smile in which Rachel was clearly desperately trying to hide. As soon as they locked eyes Rachel darted hers away once more and Santana knew that was the most civil exchange they had had in weeks.
Even if Rachel was determined to not talk to her for the rest of the evening Santana was happy that she at least got a smile out of the otherwise heartbroken girl. The thought alone was enough to make the stinging in her lips feel less of a problem. Though with that realisation came another. One that told her she wouldn't see that smile again if Rachel were to really move out. She didn't know whether she could cope with that one.
The foursome continued to eat their food making small talk along the way, mostly in their pairs but occasionally Santana spared a word or two to Kurt just to make the situation more entertaining. "So are you looking forward to seeing Blaine again? I bet you've missed his bowties and ass right?" Santana asked in her signature manner.
Kurt shook his head because let's face it anything that comes from Santana's mouth is pretty much half insult. "I guess I am, but just because I'm gay doesn't mean we love ass all the time"
"Uh huh sure you don't. What else do two guys do together other than their ass?" Santana asked not really looking for an answer. Brittany looked at the boy with interest, she obviously wanted one.
"Um there are plenty of things we can do…uh well for one thing-" Kurt was quickly cut off by Santana.
"So just blow jobs?" she wondered with a devious smile.
Kurt almost choked on his food and had to take a sip of his own water. "Well that's on the list too but there are a whole bunch of sexual acts two men can perform with one another just like two women" Kurt insisted pointing at the two girls in front of him.
"Are you kidding? Girls have way more options than two guys" Santana stated no room for argument.
"Can we please talk about something else? This is hardly good dinner conversation" the boy requested.
Santana shrugged waiting for Kurt to pick a new subject.
"I wanna talk about how much I'm gonna miss New York" Brittany said. "But I'm especially gonna miss spending time with my wonderful girlfriend" the blond threw an arm around the Latina and pulled her in for a sloppy kiss on the cheek getting sauce on Santana's face.
Kurt gave the blond a sweet smile though he couldn't help but feel a little awkward due to the fact Rachel was still sitting right next to him. He wanted to coo at the pair but didn't want Rachel thinking he was on team Brittana, because he wasn't. Well he wasn't on either team really, this whole situation made him uncomfortable. All the lies and secrets and crying and Kleenex it was all too much for him. But at the end of the day Rachel was his best friend and he hated seeing her so depressed.
"I think I'm done" Rachel spoke up for the first time since they sat down for dinner. Kurt looked at her with a surprised expression. "Dinner was lovely thank you Kurt, but I need to go take a shower. I feel really, really…dirty" she said sadly as she glanced for only a split second at Santana before standing up and taking her plate to the sink. She quickly wiped away a stray tear before walking out of the room and into the bathroom.
Kurt didn't really know what to say, Rachel hadn't spoken to him for most of the day but he could figure out something had upset her again and he would bet his parents mortgage and entire college fund on that something being a certain Latina that sat only inches away from him.
Santana face said it all, she watched as Rachel left the room. Debating with herself about whether or not she should go and talk to the girl but feeling a hand squeeze her arm stopped her. "Hey what's wrong with Rachel? She seems really sad" Brittany spoke softly.
"Yeah she does" Kurt responded just as softly as he glanced at Santana before looking back at his food.
Santana didn't give an answer at all, what could she say after all?
The three continued their meal mostly in silence for the next ten minutes; Brittany wanted to start a new conversation but didn't really know what to talk about. The atmosphere was intense for all the wrong reasons.
Finally Brittany decided to break the silence with a safe subject. "Wow Kurt that was amazing. It was like an orgasm in my mouth and I've only ever had Santana's orgasm in my mouth before. Your pasta was just as good" the blond girl smiled happily.
Kurt again took that as a compliment "Why thank you Britt, I'm glad you enjoyed my orgasmic pasta" he chuckled picking up the three empty plates and taking them to the sink where Rachel's was already sat.
As he stared at Rachel's plate he couldn't take his mind off the fact she was so broken down over her feelings for Santana. He wished there was something he could do to make this all go away, to make it right again.
"Anyone up for a movie!?" Brittany loudly asked her friends with a hopeful expression.
"Sure Britt" Santana replied.
Kurt turned to face the girls "I don't know I should probably get these dishes washed" he gestured to the pile of plates, bowls, pots, pans and utensils he had used in the making of his famous family pasta.
"Oh come on Kurtie you can do that anytime. I promise we can find a romantic comedy with a hot leading man" Brittany bargained
Kurt rolled his eyes at the offer; the girl knew how to buy him that's for sure. "Ok, ok you got me. I'll watch a movie with you Britt" he smiled.
"Yes!" Brittany punched the air and bounced on the spot in celebration before running over to the boy to take his hand and leading him into the living room.
Santana shuddered at the thought of a Rom-Com, she hated them but knew Brittany obviously loved them so she only sat through them for sexytimes after which Brittany always gave her as a reward for not complaining. But this time around Santana wasn't all that excited for that compromise.
She looked over at the empty seat where Rachel had been sat and considered once again going to talk to her but as the diva said she was going to go and take a shower, Santana figured that probably wouldn't be the best idea.
With a final groan she reluctantly made her way towards the living room where her girlfriend and Kurt were already flicking through the TV channels to find something to watch. The pair managed to find Rachel and Santana's shared Netflix account and continued to look through the films available on there. "Ooh how about Love Actually?" Brittany asked
"Ew too British" Kurt waved a hand dismissing that option immediately though he did occasionally like a sexy British accent.
"The Vow?"
"I'm not looking to cry here Britt"
"So I guess The Notebook is out of the question too and My Sisters Keeper?" Brittany smirked knowing Kurt would just break down at those movies.
"Ooh how about Made of Honor?" Kurt asked
"And that's not too British?" Santana sneered
"I've never seen that. What's it about?" Brittany asked intrigued.
"Um it's about this guy played by Patrick Dempsey who is best friends with this woman Hannah and Hannah meets this guy and they get engaged and then Patrick's character realises he's actually in love with Hannah and kinda always has been a little bit but never really figured it out till he almost lost her and he will do anything to get her" Kurt explained taking a simple glance at Santana who was standing in the doorway of the living room.
"Aww that sounds really sweet" Brittany cooed "Let's watch that one"
"Yeah its always amazing when two people that are in love but don't know it finally come together" Kurt stated his intentions clear as he went to sit on the couch.
Brittany quickly went to join him wanting to get comfortable for the movie. She looked over at her still standing girlfriend "Hey San is this yours?" she asked gesturing to the film they were about to watch.
The Latina shook her head "Um no, it's Rachel's. They're all Rachel's" she said softly wondering if the fact Rachel had all these Romantic comedies on their Netflix was supposed to show her something, give her some kind of sign. Especially with the fact Brittany and Kurt had chosen to watch one she couldn't help think hit close to home right now. "Well except The Vow, that one is mine" she said quietly, blushing as the words left her mouth.
"Aww baby I didn't know you liked that movie. I would have loved to of watched it with you" Brittany smiled at her girlfriend's slightly softer side; it has always been the side she loves the most about the girl. Kurt just chuckled at the thought of Santana liking any movie that was rated under NC- 17.
Santana shot Kurt her death glare when she noticed him trying to hide his laughing "What I have a crush on Rachel ok? Um McAdams, Rachel McAdams" she shrugged trying to be nonchalantly, but she had to admit to herself the narrative about making someone fall in love with you all over again made her smile and warmed her heart.
"Come on baby come sit down and cuddle with me" Brittany insisted holding out her arms and nodding to the seat next to her.
Santana sighed and gave in, she didn't really want to watch a film about 'love' and perfect fucking happy endings but this was the last night she had to spend with Brittany and she wanted to make it perfect and if watching some sappy unrealistic movie about heterosexuals was gonna do that for her blond then she would do it.
She settled herself down next to Brittany who immediately snuggled into the warmth that was Santana's body; Santana put one arm around Brittany and pulled her in closer. Brittany placed her head on Santana's chest and enjoyed the way her chest slowly rose and fell with each breath and feeling Santana's heartbeat made her feel closer to her girlfriend. Kurt was sat next to Brittany waiting to start the movie, when he knew the two girls were comfortable he did just that.
Twenty minutes into the movie Rachel finally left the bathroom. She made sure to not make any noise as she slowly and carefully opened the bathroom door. She was in her bathrobe and wanted to make a quick dash for her bedroom before anyone could see her.
As she reached the doorway for the living room she could see the lights were dim and she could hear a movie she recognised as 'Made of Honor.'
She smiled at the memory of how one time she managed to get Santana to sit down and watch it with her that was just after they moved in together and when they still had fun nights of just being friends.
She remembered Santana had fallen asleep with her head in Rachel's lap that night.
Rachel slowly tiptoed past the living room but couldn't help stop and stare when she saw her three friends settled on the couch together just enjoying each other's company. She wished she had the courage to join them but she knew she wouldn't be able to sit through a movie like the one they were watching and not feel even worse for herself.
She was just about to walk off and into her room when Santana moved her head and caught sight of Rachel. They locked eyes for a few seconds, both pairs of brown orbs filled with hurt and sorrow. Rachel took a deep breath before breaking the contact and continuing to her room.
Santana felt that pang of guilt and pain in her heart again as she watched Rachel walk away in the darkness of their hallway and into the loneliness of her bedroom. Watching this film wasn't exactly helping the situation and Santana suddenly felt the urge to go and talk to Rachel.
The Latina attempted to shift out from under the blond girl still sprawled across her chest. Brittany lifted her head at the movement "Where are you going?" she asked with a pout.
"Nowhere, I just gotta go pee. I did drink a lot of water at dinner" Santana reminded.
"But I'll get cold without you" the blond pouted.
"Snuggle up to Kurt, he's full of hot air" Santana joked.
"Look who's talking Satan" the boy retorted but Brittany still moved over to snuggle closer to Kurt who happily accepted the blond.
Santana stood from the couch and went to leave the room, throwing one last glance back at the pair but mostly her girlfriend before she walked out completely and went into Rachel's room.
Santana slipped into the half open door to find Rachel standing in the middle of her bedroom half naked. Santana tried to talk but couldn't find the words when Rachel turned around to face her topless. "Oh my god Santana" she whispered not wanting to alert anyone.
Rachel was only in her sleep shorts and quickly grabbed a nearby t-shirt to slip on over her head. The Latina turned around out of respect as soon as she saw Rachel was nude.
Once Rachel was decent she sat down on her bed recovering from the shock, though it wasn't like Santana hadn't seen her naked before and vice versa. "You can turn around now" she informed softly.
Santana closed Rachel's bedroom door before doing so then swung around to face her. She walked over to the bed and sat down next to the diva looking deep into her eyes.
"I'm sorry"
"It's ok Santana, these things happen" Rachel replied still slightly embarrassed.
Santana shook her head "No, I didn't mean about walking in on you. I meant I'm sorry for everything"
"Everything?" Rachel questioned meeting the Latina's gaze
Santana nodded "Yeah I'm so sorry for everything that I've done to you over the last couple of weeks. I'm sorry for treating you the way I've treated you. I'm sorry for making you feel the way you feel. I'm sorry that I can't be who you want me to be and I'm sorry for being who I am. I know I'm an ass sometimes and I know I've hurt you and I'm sorry for all that"
Rachel sighed, it seemed like she had been here so many times with Santana. So many times they had sat on this very bed and talked about the same few things and still they had failed to come to a resolution that suited either of them. "I don't need your apologies Santana. I accept them but I don't need them" Rachel looked down at her hands.
"Then tell me Rachel what do you need? What do you want from me? What do you want me to say?" Santana's voice was breaking as she asked what seemed like an endless list of confusing questions.
"I want you to say what it is you really want to say" Rachel replied looking back at the girl who was now looking away from her instead.
A silence fell upon them and Rachel knew Santana wasn't going to be the first person to speak so instead she continued.
She took Santana's hand in hers and held it to her chest right where her heartbeat could be felt the strongest. "Look at me Santana" she demanded gently.
After a few seconds Santana finally got the courage to once again look deep into Rachel's eyes.
"I want you to tell me right now you don't feel this. That you don't feel what I feel"
Santana used her free hand to wipe at her tears that had begun to fall "Tell me you feel it Santana, I know you can. It's not all in my head. It's not in my imagination and I'm not dreaming. It's here and its real and its right here between us right now" Rachel squeezed Santana's hand harder against her heart to make her point.
Santana gave in, it was too hard not too when she was like this with Rachel. She swallowed hard before her lips finally parted to respond "I do. I feel it" she nodded speaking so softly she was practically mute.
Rachel was just about to ask her to repeat what she said, she had heard it but she had to be sure. But before she could Santana ripped her hand away from Rachel's chest and shot up from the bed so fast she almost fell down.
Rachel looked at her with concern as Santana's head spun "Santana?" she tried to reach out and grab for her hand but Santana moved out of reach of her touch.
"I think I'm gonna be sick" the Latina responded bringing one hand to her mouth before rushing out of Rachel's room without another word.
Rachel sat on her bed completely shocked and surprised by what had just happened. She didn't really know if that was progress or whether it was a step back but going by the fact Santana had actually said something about her true feelings Rachel would guess it was a good thing. Though Santana did just rush out her room almost throwing up so Rachel was still as confused as ever.
"She felt it" Rachel whispered to herself while replaying the whole scene over again in her head to make sure she hadn't just imagined it all. And when she looked down to her bed sheets to see the crease where Santana had just been sitting she knew this time around it was far from a dream. It was real.
Santana lay up against the wall of the bathroom banging the back of her head against the wall. She cursed herself for letting her guard down so easily. A few weeks ago she would have never have given in to Rachel so easily but now such a short time on and she couldn't help but become putty in the diva's hands.
It was like her feelings for Rachel could no longer be contained by a simple lid she held over them, they wanted to thrive and be set free and acted on and they wouldn't take no for an answer. They bubbled up and flowed out of her and had literally made her physically sick knowing they had gone up against the feelings she had for Brittany and had won with such ease.
Though she had made sure to lock the bathroom door so no one could find her she prayed desperately Rachel wouldn't try to follow her, she wouldn't know if she could control herself if Rachel even came within a foot of her right now.
Santana quickly pulled herself together and stood up on shaky legs, she held on to the towel railing just to steady herself. She flushed the toilet and went to the sink to wash up. After washing her hands she threw some cold water on her flushed face to refresh her skin and to wash away her tear stains.
When she was happy that she looked somewhat respectable she nodded to herself in the mirror and unlocked the bathroom door making her way back to the living room.
Brittany was still huddle up with Kurt but she soon left him when Santana sat back down on the couch. She didn't say anything she just shifted her body back over to the other side of the couch where she took up her previous position on Santana's chest.
Though this time Santana did not wrap an arm around the blond until Brittany's hand forcefully lifted her arm and put it around her body.
By the time the movie had finished Santana felt empty. Empty of all feelings and emotions. Empty of almost everything. She didn't know whether to be sad, angry, jealous or ashamed but over all she just felt tired. Tired of pretending she was feeling things she could no longer feel and tired of pretending to not feel things that she did feel.
Kurt stepped up and turned the TV off placing the remote on top. Brittany was almost falling asleep on Santana and would have happily slept on the soft comfy pillow that was Santana's boobs if the Latina hadn't of shifted to get up.
"Come Blondie let's get you to bed" Santana smiled softly at the sleepy girl as she patted her shoulder.
Brittany lifted her head from Santana's body and rubbed at her eyes "Oh I missed the end of the movie" she whimpered with a pout. "What happened did he get his girl? Did true love prevail?" she wondered looking back and forth between Santana and Kurt.
Kurt nodded "Of course it did Britt. Doesn't it always?" he chuckled and took a glance at Santana noting her empty expression as the Latina put her gaze to the floor.
Upon hearing Kurt's words the blond grinned brightly at him as she stood up "That's good then. I hate sad endings when somebody ends up broken hearted" her smiled left her face as she said that but then it came back when her eyes landed on Santana still sat on the couch.
Brittany took the Latina's hand and yanked her up to her feet. "Come on Sanny lets go to bed" she said suggestively with a wink as she galloped out the room and towards their bedroom.
Santana chanced a glance at Kurt, she knew the boy was judging her but honestly by now she no longer cared. She was judging herself just the same.
"Goodnight Kurt" she managed to get out in a polite manner.
"Goodnight ladykiller…sorry I meant Santana" he said slightly bitterly as he readied the couch for sleeping on. He was thankful this was the last night he would have to sleep on that thing. He wouldn't deny it was comfy but after so many nights sleeping on it it was starting to give him back pain, plus it had a very odd smell of what he could only describe as ass. Though he refused to mention this to Santana due to the fact he knew the Latina would have lined up a whole bunch of gay jokes appropriate for the situation.
Santana threw one last glare at Kurt but knew he wasn't wrong before she went to her room. When she walked in she was met with a familiar sight. Brittany sat on the bed stripping. Santana closed her bedroom door and walked over to the bed where she pulled off her own shirt.
Brittany was already down to her panties and she reached around her back to unclasp her bra. She pulled it off and tossed it to the floor then did the same with her panties. As she stood up to reach for her sleepwear she caught sight of Santana undressing almost as if the Latina was nervous about being naked in front of her.
Brittany chuckled at the thought, after all the things they have done together over the years there was no shame left for them to feel but the blond did find it cute how her girlfriend's cheeks blushed as Santana's eyes darted away from the blond's boobs.
As Santana watched Brittany dress she couldn't help but feel her heart pick up and the breathlessness she still felt. There was no denying she was still attracted to Brittany and the girl still managed to take her breath away but it wasn't exactly the way it used to be. She didn't feel like jumping on Brittany the moment she took her top off, she may have been physically aroused by her girlfriend but emotionally she just didn't know anymore, though that may have just been her guilt at this point.
The Latina threw on her own tank top and PJ pants and crawled into bed watching the blond as she pulled on her sleep shorts and picked up her discarded clothes from the floor. Brittany folded her clothes and went over to the drawer that she had been using and put them inside ready to be packed back in her suitcase in the morning.
The blond crawled under the bed sheets once she had put her clothing away and turned off the bed room light leaving only the lamp at the side of Santana's bed to light up the room. Brittany shuffled up as close as possible against Santana's body. "Hey" she whispered softly into the Latinas ear.
Santana smiled at the image of her girlfriend's face being illuminated by the dim light. She put one hand into Brittany's luscious blond hair and stroked it gently. "Hey"
Brittany leaned down and placed a kiss to Santana's lips, her hand quickly finding Santana's thigh and subtly brushing up and down the cotton covered leg. Santana moaned softly into her girlfriend's mouth. "Hmmm Britt" she tried to protest but Brittany's lips continued moving south and felt so good against her neck.
Britt pulled back and pecked Santana's lips again "So…I'm leaving tomorrow and won't be seeing you for a while" she purred.
Santana chuckled knowing exactly where this was going but she felt bad that she didn't want to go there. "Nope"
"Not until you come for a visit in Lima" Brittany kissed at her girlfriend's neck once more, dragging her warm tongue up the smooth sensitive skin.
Santana just nodded agreeing with the blond. She had too much on her mind to really focus on this right now. She knew she promised the girl she would visit over a weekend at some point to be fair, plus she missed her parents and wanted to see them again.
"Wanna go one last time?" the blond husked with a smirk into her neck and the warm heat of Brittany's breath almost made Santana agree. Brittany cupped Santana's sex through her PJ pants and slowly moved her hand to caress her.
Santana parted her legs from habit but quickly tried to close them again and shifted under the blond's touch. "Britt come on we should get some sleep" she protested weakly.
"San I can sleep the whole train ride home tomorrow. I wanna do something else right now" she whispered and bit at her girlfriend's neck.
Santana grew even more uncomfortable not because she was with Brittany but because of what was running through her head about what happened not long ago with Rachel, in face everything that had happened today with Rachel.
Santana reached under the sheets to place her hand over her girlfriend's and still it. "Britt stop. I don't really feel like it, I'm sorry" she shrugged regretfully as she looked into almost hurt blue eyes. She wanted to give Brittany this but she wasn't feeling it and she knew she had lied enough to the blond to pretend to be into something she wasn't right now.
"You ok? I mean you always feel like it" Brittany laughed a little but was rather concerned over the fact. She and Santana hadn't made love successfully for several days and it was very unusual. She usually couldn't keep the Latina's hands off of her but recently Santana didn't even want to touch her.
She wasn't an idiot but she figured it was just down to the fact they weren't in high school anymore and Santana had possibly matured and maybe lost some of her high school sex drive. She also figured maybe that's why Santana was shy around her sometimes now, maybe Santana was embarrassed that she didn't get aroused like she used to and that's why Brittany didn't want to rush her or force her into anything. Her suspicions only seemed to be semi proven when Santana couldn't get wet the other night.
"I'm fine Britt" Santana assured her.
"San you know you can talk to me right?" Brittany removed her hand from between Santana's legs and cupped her cheek. "Like it's nothing to be embarrassed about if you're having…problems"
"Problems?" Santana wondered what Brittany was talking about.
Brittany gave her a comforting smile "Yeah just because you're a teenager doesn't mean you have to be into this all the time. Its ok if you have problems getting aroused"
Santana was slightly surprised by her girlfriend's words and shook her head. "Wait you think I…" she thought for an appropriate term but couldn't really think of one so just said the first thing that came to her mind. "…you think I 'can't get it up'?" she used quote marks. She didn't know if there was a female friendly version of the saying so just shrugged.
"Well the other night you couldn't get wet and tonight you don't want to do anything and the fact you've been a little off lately when it comes to the bedroom, I just figured maybe you were having problems with your downstairs and were maybe a little embarrassed about it" the blond deliberately spoke slowly and choose her words carefully not wanting to embarrassed or upset her girlfriend further.
Santana knew in a way Brittany was right but there was obviously more to it than she knew so she racked her brains for some sort of excuse she could use that would make sense.
"Britt I think you're over thinking this" she smiled up at the blond as best she could. "I'm just…um I'm on my period that's all. I got it this morning and you know I just don't feel all that sexy right now" she lied and shrugged again hoping Brittany would now leave it.
Brittany gave a sympathetic smile as her girlfriend seemed too small, so much smaller than she usually did when Santana was under her like this.
"Oh baby it's not like we haven't done it before when one of us has been on. Besides orgasms are great muscles relaxers and a good way to relive stress and pain from stomach cramps" Brittany explained as her hand dived back under the sheets and she cupped Santana once more.
Santana only pushed her away when she felt the blond's hand tried to reach under her pants. "Britt I said no. I'm sorry but I just…I just don't want to" she darted her eyes away guilty and regretfully as her girlfriend retracted her hand again.
"No I'm sorry" Brittany replied sadly hoping she hadn't upset Santana.
The Latina turned on to her side so her back was to the blond and laced her fingers with Brittany's. She then dragged Brittany's arm around her so the blond was holding her and spooning her. "Can't we just cuddle for once without sex?" she asked almost uncertain.
Brittany kissed her girl's neck and shuffled closer so Santana's ass was snuggly pressed to her front "Sure whatever you want" she replied gently against tanned skin before settling down to sleep.
"Night Brittany"
"Night Santana"
2 hours later…
Brittany was fast asleep with her arms still tightly wrapped around Santana's small frame. Santana of course was wide awake, she couldn't think of anything else other than the feeling she felt when Rachel pressed her hand to her heart. She hadn't felt that much electricity since she first started dating Brittany.
She carefully turned over onto her back and stared up at the ceiling now completely basked in darkness due to the fact she had turned the lamp off not wanting to keep her girlfriend awake. By now she had a raging headache from all the thinking and over thinking.
Tears were already running down her cheek when she couldn't get the image of Rachel out of her mind. Rachel specifically asked her if she had felt 'it' and for the first time she had actually said 'yes' to Rachel because she could no longer look the other way when it came to the diva.
The small brunette made her heart ache in all the ways that made her smile.
As Brittany shifted by her side it made Santana tear up harder knowing she had this amazing, sexy and beautiful, smart and funny talented girl right next to her who used to be her everything. A few months ago everything was perfect and she never would have looked twice at another girl knowing she had the perfect one only a touch away. But now after everything with Rachel she knew nothing was the same and no matter how much she wished she could make it right again and go back in time so none of this ever happened she knew deep down that would never be the case. She would never be able to be with Brittany in the way she once was.
Her tears couldn't be stopped as she ran her fingers up and down Brittany's bare arm that lay across her stomach. "I'm so sorry Brittany" she weepily whispered, her voice breaking midway through as she carefully lifted her girlfriend's arm and removed it from her body so she could slip out of bed being careful not to wake the girl.
Santana looked down at the past out blond in her bed and pulled the sheet tight up to her neck to cover her body before placing a soft loving kiss to her forehead. "So sorry" she repeated.
Santana wiped at her heavy tears and pulled a Kleenex from the tissue box on her bed. Then she walked out of her bedroom and went to the kitchen.
Santana grabbed herself a glass from the cupboard and filled it with tap water, taking a deep breath she gulped it down until the glass was empty. Slamming it down on the side she composed herself and walked with determination into the living room where it was dark.
She saw Kurt's sleeping form under the blanket on the couch and she stopped suddenly, closing her eyes to desperately stop more tears coming out. She bit her lower lip and brought it into her mouth.
She stepped up to the couch where Kurt was sleeping.
What happened next surprised even her.
Santana Lopez dropped to her knees in the dark silent room, the only sound being Kurt's steady breathing. She opened her eyes as they streamed with new tears, tears she couldn't stop now even if she wanted to, she had finally broken, she had cracked and cracked hard and deep and she wasn't about to be fixed.
Her whimpering coaxed Kurt out of his sleep as he saw a dark outline in front of him. He let his eyes adjust to the surprising image before sitting up slightly. "Santana?" he asked softly worry and surprise clear in his tone.
Santana took another deep breath in order to talk "Kurt. Can I talk to you please?" she sobbed.
Kurt was a little shocked at the fact that the Latina had said 'please' to him making him think this was a dream. He leant over to switch the lamp on on the unit next to the couch and as the light cast a shadow on her face, hiding half of her in the darkness and bringing the other half of her in his sight she looked as though she belonged in a comic book movie playing the villain but she looked so down Kurt kept quiet on his comments.
"Santana, Jeeze its 3 in the morning…" Kurt informed her rubbing his eyes "…and are you crying?" he wondered with almost slight amusement clearly not yet understanding just how serious the situation had gotten.
"Tell anyone and I swear you'll regret it" Santana replied defensively but not in her normal aggressive threatening way more in a shy and uncertain way, it was like she was ashamed that someone was seeing her in this way.
Kurt sat up fully and it finally hit him that this was no time for jokes, the seriousness finally reaching him. "I won't" he reassured her in his most comforting tone. "What's wrong?"
Santana began to cry harder as she desperately tried to wipe her tears away. She shook her head before looking into Kurt's eyes.
"I can't do this anymore Kurt. I can't keep pretending this is all fine"
Silence swept over them. Kurt didn't really know how to respond to that.
Soon enough Santana spoke up again "What should I do? Tell me" she asked as if Kurt actually held the answer, an answer she was so desperate to find but couldn't seem to locate on her own.
Kurt gave her a sympathetic smile and sighed "I can't tell you that Santana, only you know your feelings"
Santana looked back down and found interest in her hands; she didn't have a response for him so Kurt asked her something else.
"Do you love Rachel?"
"I don't know" she whispered uncertain. Kurt figured she did know the answer but she still wasn't ready to state it as a fact so he asked something that he knew Santana couldn't stay quiet when asked.
With an even softer voice he asked "Do you still love Brittany?"
Santana's eyes went back to his and he watched as a tear rolled down her cheek and fell in her lap but she didn't give him anything.
He shrugged "Then that's your answer. You have to tell her, you have to stop hurting her and yourself and Rachel" he voice was a comfort to her but she still knew she couldn't do what he was telling her.
"Brittany is my best friend Kurt; I can't just break up with her. She's all I've ever had and if I do that I'm scared I'll lose her forever, not just as my girlfriend but as my best friend too and I can't lose her Kurt I just can't. I need her. She's all I've ever known for most of my life"
Kurt nodded understanding what Santana was trying to tell him, he felt the same way about Blaine after all. Blaine was the only person he has had in his life that truly understood him and was always there for him and though things weren't going so great between them right now he couldn't bare to think about losing Blaine as his friend as well as his boyfriend.
"But you can't be with someone you don't love Santana, you have to decide whether you want to stay with her or be with Rachel"
"I do love Brittany, I really do" she nodded certain of the fact, she wasn't lying. Her love may not be as strong as it once had been but there was no denying she still had strong feelings for her first true love and those feelings were something she just wasn't ready to say goodbye to.
"I can't break her heart like that" Santana continued.
"Honestly I think you've already done that Santana" Kurt said softly. He didn't want to break Santana's own already shattered heart as she kneeled on the floor in front of him but he had to tell her what he thought. "All you can hope for now is to break it gently"
"Kurt she's my first real love and I still care for her I'm not lying about that and I'm not one of those people who can just throw away everything they've had with their first love, I just can't do that to her" Santana wiped her red eyes with her tissue.
"Then don't"
"What?"
"For now don't hurt her if you can't take it. But this will end up hurting her eventually you know that right?" he asked.
Santana nodded "Of course I do and you have no idea how much I hate myself for that. I wish I could take it all back but I just can't tell her the truth yet. She deserves to know but I still love her Kurt and I don't want to hurt her like that I need more time"
Kurt didn't really know what to say, he knew Santana's intentions were good but at the same time she was risking making the situation much worse and hurting Brittany even more.
"But I really like Rachel Kurt. Its true there's something between us that I don't even think I fully understand but I really, really like her and I'm not ready to lose her" she cried remembering the fact the girl was moving out because she told her she didn't care.
Kurt knew it wasn't his place to say what he was about to say but he did anyway hoping it might help Santana make some sort of decision.
"She's in love with you, you know?" he informed her.
The boy's words shocked Santana as she looked at him with confusion she didn't know how to respond to that. A flood full of emotion entered her body and if she wasn't so caught up with her own tears she perhaps would have smiled.
She knew Rachel liked her but she had no idea the girl had fallen so hard for her, so deep for her.
"She told me when I first got here. But she won't wait around forever for you Santana. Rachel is a wonderful girl and she deserves to be treated as such"
Santana nodded knowing Kurt was right. "So what do I do?" she asked again.
"I told you that's not for me to say. But what you can do is go to the bathroom, clean yourself up then go back to bed and hold that girlfriend of yours like you never want to let her go. Then tomorrow you will wave goodbye to both me and Brittany, then when you and Rachel are finally alone again you will sort yourself out and make your choice. But until then you will stop crying and act like the Santana Lopez we all know because I have to admit I kinda miss her"
Santana stood up from the floor and wiped her eyes one last time, she looked down at Kurt and smiled "Thanks Kurt." He was right this wasn't her, no far from it.
"Don't mention it" he returned her smile.
The Latina was about to leave the room when she stopped and turned back to Kurt he was about to settle back under the blanket when he saw her looking at him. "I do love her you know" she said softly before leaving the room.
He didn't quite know who Santana was referring to but he assume she meant Brittany as she went to great lengths during their conversation to reassure him she was still in love with the blond in some way even if it wasn't the same at it once was.
Kurt smiled to himself at the fact Santana had trusted him with being so open and vulnerable before pulling the blanket back over himself to attempt to go back to sleep.
Meanwhile Santana did just what Kurt had told her, she realised her last comment could have been a little vague but she was referring to Brittany. Of course she still loved the blond; you can't just fall out of love with someone you've been so dedicated to for so long, it just didn't work that way. Brittany was a part of her and she most likely always would be even if they ever broke up which Santana figured would now be a 'when' rather than an 'if'
She went straight to the bathroom and washed her face for what seemed like the hundredth time that day before regaining her Lopez front and going back to her room where she slipped back under the covers and wrapped her strong arms around the blond girl who hadn't moved a muscle in her bed.
Santana pressed her body as close as possible to the taller girl mostly for her own comfort as she took in the smell of her girlfriend's shampoo and moisturiser. She smiled at the familiar aromas and tightened her grip around the girl before falling into a deep yet unsatisfying sleep.
A/N: Ok so I hope that ending was a little more up your alley. To be honest I don't really feel sorry for any of the characters right now, I guess it's just life, love hurts and love sucks that's the way it is. But I know most of you have different feelings for different characters maybe that has now changed after that chapter I don't know.
Let me know what you think. I've been waiting a while to write that chapter so I hope it was worth it.
Next chapter teaser: Kurt and Brittany prepare to leave and go back to Lima. But how will that change Pezberry's relationship? Will it be good or bad? And will Rachel really move out and leave Santana alone? Find out in the next chapter.
Thanks for reading please leave a review…