Finally updated!

I could imagine Remus behind me, gaping like a fish, trying to come up with a valid reason to get my ass sent back to the hospital wing. "Isabelle, wait!" I heard footsteps running behind me and I sped up, turning the corner and ducking behind a tapestry of some crazy guy trying to teach trolls ballet just before Remus can pounding into the corridor behind me. I heard him stop right in front of my hiding spot and mutter to himself: "I didn't think she knew where it was." He started pacing up and down the short stretch of hall, repeating "I need to get in where she went; I need to get in where she went; I need to get in where she went." 'What the hell?' After a few seconds he stopped directly in front of me. Then, I heard what sounded like a door open and close.

I peeked out from behind the tapestry and saw a large, ornate door that was most definitely not there two minutes ago. 'Did I just find their secret room thing?' I walked up to it and was about to open it when I realized this was the perfect hiding spot. When Remus didn't find me in there he would assume I was just faster than him and still didn't know about the room. Taking careful note of where it was- I just had to be on the lookout for Barnabas the Barmy- I turned and quickly walked back in the direction I came from. Remus was a logical sort of guy, if he was going to continue searching for me he'd go in the other direction.

I kept on with my endless, circular walk, paying little attention to where I was going until I found myself next to a portrait of fruit. Sighing, I tickled the pair, deciding the kitchen was as good a place as any to hide out for a while. I almost turned right back around when I walked in and saw Sirius sitting across from James at the table- and would have had Sirius not spotted me and called my name.

"Long time no see," James greeted me.

"How come everyone keeps saying that?" I grumbled, plopping down next to Sirius. "Three days isn't that long!"

The boys rolled their eyes. "So, Isabelle, how have you been?" James' voice was so full of fake cheeriness I almost slapped him. I'm fucked up in the head, that doesn't mean every little thing is going to set me off.

"I've been bloody brilliant James; don't worry."

Sirius snorted. "You're never alright, Izzy."

I glared. "Shut up, Sirius. Oh, James," I said as a thought hit me, "since you're here, how come I'd get on well with you just because my favorite animal is the deer?"

Sirius coughed and James looked stunned. He turned to Sirius. "Padfoot, what did you tell her?" he demanded, his voice raising almost an octave and cracking near the end.

"Oy! Mate, I didn't tell her anything. We we're playing twenty questions."

I grinned. "He's right; he didn't tell me anything but you just told me there's a good story behind this. Care to share?"

James turned his glare onto me. "No, I don't 'care to share'. It's none of your business."

"Hey, hey," I held up my hands in defense. "You are both nosing in my business; it's only fair." James and Sirius exchanged uneasy looks and I frowned. "Why do I get the feeling that this isn't your story?" Their looks of unease increased. "Is it about Remus?"

James looked surprised. "How'd you get to that conclusion?"

"Oh please, it had to be about either Remus or Peter otherwise you would have spilled. And obviously it isn't Peter because A) nothing interesting would really happen and B) you'd probably spill anyway." They both stared at me, speechless. "So, what's the story?"

"I-we- uh-"

"Words, James, preferably English."

"What he is trying to say," Sirius picked up, "is that Remus is only dangerous to humans on the full moon. So we found a way around it."

Realization dawned on me. "You're Animagi!" Both boys nodded. "And I bet you're unregistered, right?" They nodded again. "You guys are insanely stupid."

"Actually, it took almost five years and a lot of talent to accomplish," James bragged.

"Alright, we shared ours; it's your turn now." Sirius never knew when to let something go.

"I told you, I'm fine." He and Sirius shared another look and suddenly James stood up and stretched.

"Well, I'm off to bed. Don't do anything I wouldn't do, Padfoot." He clapped Sirius on the shoulder, nodded to me and ambled out of the kitchen.

"Real subtle of you two."

Sirius grinned. "Everyone knows we work as a team."

I raised an eyebrow. "Oh? So everything I say, you'll then report back to James? Or maybe Remus?" I shook my head and made to stand. "I came in here to be alone."

"Izzy wait," Sirius grabbed my arm and I thought about how many times in the past twelve hours someone has told me to 'wait'.

"Yes?"

"If you want to talk, then talk. I won't tell anyone."

"Not even if I tell you I'm going to off myself tomorrow night?"

He looked sick. "Are you?"

I laughed. "No, jeez relax. I promise I am stable. I'm not cutting, I am eating and I won't kill myself tomorrow."

His look faded into a slight unease but he didn't seem to know what to say. We sat in companionable silence for several minutes while I poked at the pudding the house elves brought me when I walked in.

"I know you were lying," Sirius said, abruptly breaking the silence.

I put down my spoon and looked up at him. "I'm sorry but you'll have to be more specific. I've lied plenty of times."

"When you said you'd let us help you." He sighed impatiently at my blank stare. "That morning in the hospital wing after McGonagall let your proverbial cat out of the bag."

"Ooo big word, Sirius; sure you know what it means?" He glared at me. "What? It's a valid question."

"Yes, I know what it means; and no, you aren't going to distract me by trying to insult me." He sniffed and stuck his nose in the air, looking like the picture-perfect pureblood. I let out a small giggle and he resumed his normal half smirk. "Anyway, I mean I know you were lying when you said you'd let us help you that morning."

"And how do you figure that?" I picked my spoon back up and returned to my pudding, feigning disinterest.

"Because I said almost the exact same thing."

Disinterest was becoming difficult to fake. "Oh? When was that?"

"When they found out what was going on, what I was doing."

"I thought all it took was Remus yelling at you."

He snorted. "Are you kidding me? It took that, but that happened when Remus realized I wasn't getting better. And then I realized how much I really had." He looked at me so seriously I put my spoon down and raised an eyebrow. "You have much more than you realize, Izzy."

I made a face. "Stop being so sappy, it doesn't suit you."

"Stop making a joke of this."

"Why? I think you trying to be sappy is funny."

"I mean all of this." Sirius' voice hardened. "Do you realize that every time someone brings up what's going on with you, you make a joke of it and slip right out of telling anyone the truth?"

I shrugged. "What can I say? It's a gift."

"No, it's a problem. When will you realize you can't live pushing people away all the time?"

"Maybe I don't want to live." Sirius blanched at the nonchalance in my voice. And he thought he could handle all my shit.

"Don't say that, Izzy."

I laughed. "Why not? Maybe it's true."

"You said you were stable."

I leaned over the table and whispered, "Wanna hear a secret? There's no such thing as 'stable' for someone like me. There's not wanting to kill yourself in that moment and then there's…nothing. No middle ground, no 'stable'."

"That's not true." He shook his head adamantly. "You know it isn't. Don't claim there is nothing you can do. Don't push away the people who love you and want to save you!"

"Why shouldn't I!? Why should I believe that anyone wants to save me just because I deserve to live?"

"Don't you?"

"Probably not."

"Why not?"

"You keep asking that. I don't know why but my parents have made it pretty damn clear that I shouldn't be alive. Maybe, just maybe, after years of hearing it I've finally bought into it."

His voice dropped to almost a whisper. "Your parents told you they want you dead?"

I shrugged again, trying to hold myself together. "Not in so many words, but I'm sure that's what they meant. 'Oh Isabelle, why can't you get straight 'O's? Oh Isabelle, why can't you be a picture perfect pureblood?' I'm not good enough for them."

Sirius shook his head. "Then they don't matter if they can't see how amazing you are."

"I don't care what they think. I never have held much stock by what they say I'm doing wrong."

"But you just said-" He broke off and gave me a funny look. I struggled not to show any emotion. The last thing I need was for Sirius to realize how much I did care about my parents' approval. All I'd ever wanted was them to think I was good enough. Until their last letter; then I told myself I didn't care. I still did though; I couldn't help it. "You said you bought into what they've been saying- which I must say is a very bad choice- but that aside, if you've bought into it then you obviously do care what they think."

"No, I don't. End of discussion."

"Like hell it is!"

"Why can't you just drop it, Sirius? Do you realize that every time we're together, we're always talking about how fucked up I am?"

"Maybe because that's the biggest issue right now," he said quietly.

"How about you instead, mhm? Who's your flavor of the week now?" I smiled and tried to keep my voice light.

"A blonde," he said vaguely.

"Oh, a blonde? Hmmm, there are at least a dozen in our year! That is so not answering the question, Sirius," I accused, pointing my spoon at him.

He laughed. "I know. Why are you so interested?" I shrugged. "That's not answering the question, Izzy."

"Can't I just be interested?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it doesn't work like that," he answered, leaning closer to me.

"Sirius," I breathed when his face was within an inch of mine.

"Yeah?"

"We shouldn't do this," I whispered.

"Why not?"

"You know why."

"I don't think I do." He grinned slightly, leaning even closer as my heart stuttered.

"You're Remus' friend...and I…" I tried as hard as I could but forming complete sentences seemed to be out of my reach.

"Remus has nothing to do with us, Izzy. This is about you and me."

"Sirius," I argued. "I really don't think-" I would have kept going but he cut me off, pressing his lips to mine. My formally stuttering heart stopped all together; Sirius' mouth felt like fire against mine and his hands, previously lying so innocently on the table, wrapped around my hips.

He finally broke the kiss and smirked. "Well that's one way to shut you up." His voice brought me back to my senses and the blood roared in my ears. I jerked away from him and his smirk drooped. "What's wrong?"

"I told you, we shouldn't have done that." I scooted down the bench and tried to control my heartbeat.

"Relax, it was just a kiss." I flinched at his nonchalance and the hurt must have shined in my eyes; he abruptly stopped laughing. "Izzy, I didn't mean-"

"Didn't mean what?" I snapped, irrationally. I knew that Sirius and I were nothing and the kiss should be forgotten, but it still hurt. "Clearly you didn't mean anything so don't bother." I got up and fled from the kitchen.