Me: YOUGUYS. I'm not dead! Yay!
Rukia and Ichigo: (holding up pennants saying "Mandy's Alive!" with dull expressions) Yaaay.
Me: I...AM SO SORRY! You have no idea how sorry I am! See, I dunno if ya'll know this, but I live in Memphis. Well, every other week. I happen to live in Memphis and a town about 20 minutes east of it. ANYWAY. As you can imagine, I've been kind of preoccupied with the "Flood of the Century", and all the storms, and all that fuuuun stuff. I saw a tornado! ...That touched down, um, less than a block from my house. And it was fat. And I saw no cows. And I was majorly disappointed. Luckily, it went back up and only one house got wrecked, which sucks for them, but it's better than our whole town being wiped out like the one to the south of us. I heard from the weather station that it would have been an F-5 just like that one, too, so THANK GOD. I am serious. Also, I was busy with final exams (I had to take them all because I had over 14 absences thanks to my sucky immune system and my damaged knee).
Ichigo: (Pokes knee brace)
Me: (Whacks him with gauntlet) BITCH, DON'T TOUCH THAT!
Ichigo: OW! PSYCHO BITCH!
Me: YOU'RE the bitch!
Ichigo: No, YOU'RE the bitch!
Me: Maybe so, but YOU sir, are PEYTON'S BITCH.
Ichigo: ...Shut up.
Me: Uh-huh. ANYWAY. So, yeah. That on TOP of the fact that I had severe cases of writer's block for nearly all my stories, including this one and my Kingdom Hearts sequel. Which made me sad. BUT NOW, my friends, I am BACK! With a new chapp! AND I'm finally doing cakes and stuff again! Yay! WHEEL 'EM IN!
Kon: HAPPY TO, MISTRESS MANDY! (Wheels in Cake Number One, from The Layman. It's in the shape of a hotel door and has a sign hanging off the handle that says "Do not disturb; Rukia is playing with a bunch of Chappy swag".)
Ichigo: ...What the fuck?
Me: I like it. :D
Rukia: I
For me, the author, a giant waffle that has bacon inside of it with starwberries on top. And now to the super mega huge cake! The first layer is rectangular shaped. It's chocolate flavored and in the middle has Reece's chocolate. The second layer is circular and is made of chocolate but has ice cream in the middle. The last layer is triangular (also chocolate flavored) and it has whipped cream in the middle. I also send you an exact replica of the twin towers but its made out of vanilla cake and is covered in melted Reece's chocolate and it says "IM SORRY FOR NOT REVIEWING IN SO LONG!" written in frosting. Aaand she sends ichigo $10. Its "my small contribution for the future Mrs. Kuroskai's wedding ring". She also sends him a giant heart-shaped strawberry and chocolate flavored cake. It says " if you are whipped now, just wait till you get married :D"
Ichigo: ...I'm not whipped.
Everyone: YEAH RIGHT!
Carmen: The day you become non-whipped is the day I get found officially.
Me: Which will be never, so there you have it!
Ichigo: ...Whatever, I'm not gonna argue all day about this!
Me: 'Cause you know it's true!
Rukia: ANYWAY. Morcelink asked us a question, and we wanna know your answers, too! "What's your favorite Bleach opening and ending so far?"
Me: AND, I'd like to thank my latest reviewer, Winter Night. Thanks, I'm glad you like it, and it's cool to know you're Southern and a red-head too. We're far and in-between, y'know.
Ichigo: I heard all redheads were supposed to die out by the end of the 21st century. I for one will be glad to see you go.
Me: But if I went, Peyton would go too.
Ichigo: ...I hate you.
Me: I know. We love you too, Ichigo. Anyway, I'm glad to be back! Read, review, and
Rukia: ENJOOOY!
The man-in-question started laughing, and when he spoke, his words were slurred. "Yeeeaahh, thass me."
"Holy crap!" they shouted in unison again. Mike Ness, lead singer and frontman of Social Distortion, was spread-eagled on the floor, drunk and on the brink of passing out.
"What're you doing here?" Ichigo wondered as Peyton picked up the brown sack Mike had dropped on the way inside. "What's this?" she wondered, discovering it was a bottle.
"Whaaaddaya mean?"
"You're supposed to be in San Diego. You know, the last stop for your tour?" Peyton prompted before taking a sip. It burned a little, but she kind of liked the taste, so she kept drinking. After a few moments of staring at them blankly, he suddenly nodded. "Right. RIGHT! Thanks for the tip, sugar," he said groggily.
"Sugar?" Peyton repeated with a sweatdrop, licking the drink off her lips before drinking some more. Ichigo sweatdropped as well, shaking his head. "Yep. He's completely wasted. ...Peyton, what's that?"
"I dunno. It's Mike's. Tastes good, though."
"...Okay then. Well, what're we gonna do?"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Umm..."
"Ichigo..."
"Huh?"
"Maybe he should just hitch a ride with us to San Diego," Peyton said thoughtfully, making Ichigo's jaw drop as she licked her lips again. Her head was starting to feel a little buzzy and light, and she felt warm all over. "WHAT? Another hitchhiker? You just really don't want me to get laid, do you?"
THWACK!
"Ow, dammit!" Ichigo groaned, rubbing the back of his head from where she chunked a soda can at it.
Mike erupted with laughter, rolling around. "That's the funniest damn thing I've ever seen! Look at her FACE!" he exclaimed as Ichigo continued to whine. Peyton's death glare made them both shut up real fast.
"...Ichigo, this is Mike frigging NESS we're talking about! We can't just leave him here!"
"Yeah, but –"
"Ichigo. He's coming with us. End of story."
Ichigo scowled a little as they helped him up; he reeked of alcohol. "I could've sworn this was a trip for MY birthday, and yet you're calling all the shots."
"I'm the woman. You better get used to it, you're the one who asked me to marry you," she said matter-of-factly, making a shiver go up her own spine. She started to feel groggy, too, but at the same time she was sort of...hyper.
She smiled as she noticed Ichigo grin out of the corner of her eye, but the silence was broken by Mike giggling.
"...Ichigo?"
"Huh."
"Mike Ness just giggled in my ear."
"I know."
"Something's horribly wrong here. He's not the type to giggle."
"I know."
Ichigo sweatdropped as she dropped Mike before running around in circles, tossing the brown sack with the bottle in it in some random direction. "WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!"
"Peyton, calm the hell down and let's just get him to the car!" he shouted, making her skid to a stop. He picked up the brown sack, sniffed it, then made a face. "Jeez, what is this?"
"THAT, boy, is Everclear. Strongest beer legal on the shelves of the US. Has something like 190 proofs, it's 95% alcohol. Has a kick, don't it?" he asked Peyton, who nodded somewhat groggily. (A/N, Yes. This alcohol really does exist. Google told me, as did my father. :D) She then hiccuped and swayed, making Ichigo sigh.
"How much of this stuff did you drink, Peyton?"
"Only a little," she said defensively. "I can't help it that I'm such a cheap date," she muttered, hiccuping again. She then pouted up at him. "Ichigo?"
"What?" he groaned, finally getting Mike up and continuing to drag him.
"My feet hurt."
"..."
"..."
"...NO."
FIFTEENMINUTES LATER...
"My. Life. Sucks. Ass," Ichigo muttered to himself, Peyton on his back as he dragged Mike beside him. Of course, for once there was no input from her, since she was out cold. Eventually, ignoring the weird looks from passersby (which he was used to doing after being around Peyton for so long), he finally made it to the car.
He dumped Peyton in the passenger side before dropping Mike in through the sun roof, hoping just a little that he at least got a couple bruises from the fall.
Don't get him wrong, Mike Ness was still practically his idol. But he WAS drunk beyond belief, which meant he was annoying, and Ichigo HAD just hauled his alcohol-reeking ass all the way across town. Plus, he was the reason Peyton was now drunk beyond belief. So help me, if she throws up on me...
Ichigo stomped his way into "Muerte Por Sensualidad". He stomped right past the food, beer, and occasional strippers, looking like a pissed man on a mission.
"NICK, TIME TO GO!" he shouted, looking around quickly. Of course, right after he said that, he remembered Nick couldn't hear him, and he muttered a rather loud "DAMMIT" before stomping around some more.
He also had just realized he was extremely hungry.
Double dammit.
He was in the middle of interrogating a stripper when Nick suddenly ran up to him, pointing towards the exit desperately.
Ichigo's temple throbbed. "Oh, NOW you show up? I had to pay her fifty bucks!" he exclaimed, pointing at the stripper, who sweatdropped. "Well, that's a first; someone acting surprised to pay me," she muttered before walking off, hips swaying.
Nick rolled his eyes at him, dragging him by the arm for the exit. "Hey, let go!" Ichigo shouted, flailing around spastically.
He was about to kick Nick's ass (for multiple reasons) when three guys suddenly ran into his view. "THERE HE GOES!" they shouted, pointing at Nick and Ichigo. Nick gulped, and Ichigo gulped as well after seeing the almost superhuman-looking man towering over the other two as he ran after them. "...Run. Got it."
They bolted out of the club, and Nick dove for the back seat through the sun roof (landing much more gracefully than Mike Ness had) as Ichigo nearly tore the driver's side door off its hinges in the process of opening it.
He revved the engine before pulling out in reverse and flooring the gas, right as the men busted down the club's doors.
Ichigo looked out the rearview mirror, watching as they cussed up a storm (Wow, that's got Peyton Phrase written all over it) before running to hop into their car – a white van. "Is there a better car in this world to be the mascot for Rapists United?" Ichigo wondered miserably, making Nick sweatdrop as he read his lips.
"No, that doesn't really exist," he added before Nick could even bother to write down the question written all over his face.
Ichigo couldn't help but groan inwardly once Peyton started waking up. Once she realized what was going on, all hell would break loose.
Sure enough, she blinked lazily while stretching, looking around. "Whass going on?" she asked with a yawn.
"Please tell me you're still drunk."
"Feels that way," she agreed with a nod before hiccuping again.
He sighed with relief. "Good. I don't think you're an angry drunk, so this could be good." Nick sighed with relief as well on that one, and she eyed them suspiciously. "...Why would I be an angry drunk? ICHIGO KUROSAKI, what are you about to do to or tell me that could potentially make me an angry drunk?" she demanded to know.
Ichigo paused as Nick scribbled something down, handing it to Peyton. Ichigo tried to look at it while watching where he was going, causing a very wide right turn that made him and Peyton scream.
Once they were out of immediate danger – well, besides the pissed guys following them in a Rapist Van – Peyton tried again to read the note, squinting and tilting it every which way. "Awww, thanks! Nick says I'm very atshiculate for a drunk!" she said happily, stars in her eyes and everything.
Ichigo sweatdropped. "...You mean 'articulate'?"
DOINK!
"Shut up!" she shouted, throwing a plastic cup at him. He sweatdropped even more. "Was that supposed to hurt or something?"
Her right eye started to twitch, but then they heard what sounded suspiciously like a gunshot. Peyton let out a high-pitched squeak, tugging on Ichigo's arm and pointing spastically at her car door's mirror. "ICHIGO! THEY TOOK OUT THE MIRROR! THEY MUST BE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR! ...Wait..."
She narrowed her eyes suspiciously, making both boys gulp. "...Why is there a Rapist Van chasing us?"
Nick sweatdropped at the fact that she used the same term as Ichigo, while the latter pointed accusingly at Nick. "Ask HIM."
"Well?" Peyton snapped, whirling around to give Nick what was probably supposed to be a threatening look. Of course, her being drunk, it just looked like she had something in her eye and was trying to blink and widen her eye to get it out.
He started scribbling, and after a minute or so, handed it to Peyton. She read it carefully, turning it every which way again, and Ichigo sighed exasperatedly before taking it out of her hands. "Here, take the wheel for a second."
Nick's eyes threatened to bulge out of their sockets at Ichigo's poor sense of judgment, and Peyton laughed gleefully as she steered haphazardly.
Ichigo read as quickly as possible:
"They think Im the drug dealer who was grwing mari in the backyard at that party! THEY HAVE GUNS, MAN, FUCKING GUNS. THEY MEAN BIZZNESS."
"They have guns? Really, Nick? No SHIT!" Ichigo shouted as he attempted to get the steering wheel back from Peyton.
"But I'm doing so well!" she whined, almost causing them to veer off the road for the thirtieth time. "GIMME THE GODDAMN FUCKING STEERING WHEEL!" Ichigo shouted, making her narrow her eyes at him. "...Fine."
And with that, she shoved his face against the steering wheel, continuing to steer and giggling like crazy as every car within a three-mile radius honked at her. "I feel sooooo haaaappppy...and breeezzyyy...and MAGNIFICENT!" she declared, screaming at the top of her lungs.
"Give. Me. The. WHEEL." Ichigo demanded, his voice muffled by the steering wheel. Peyton hummed cheerfully instead, and Nick fastened his seat-belt with a gulp. This wasn't going to end well, he could tell.
"Ichigo, silly, you already HAVE the wheel!"
"Peyton, goddammit –"
"Stop shouting at me! You're making me feel like a kid!"
"YOU'RE ACTING LIKE ONE!"
"You can't tell me what to do!" she exclaimed, sticking her tongue out at him as she continued to stretch across his back. He started wriggling out from under her, causing them to swerve into the wrong lane.
Even Nick managed to scream as headlights nearly blinded them. Ichigo and Peyton both grabbed the steering wheel, turning it as far to the right as possible. They let out sighs of relief as the truck driver laid down on his horn and continued on his way in the opposite direction. "Thank God. Peyton, next time you touch the wheel when you're drunk?"
"Yeah?" she asked cheerfully.
"...If you survive, I'm kicking your ass, and I don't care if people call me abusive from that point on," Ichigo declared, making her temple throb.
"Why you...!" And then, without further warning, she burst into tears. Ichigo and Nick both looked at each other, not knowing what to do.
"...Oh, c'mon Peyton, don't cry –"
"How can I not cry? YOU JUST SAID YOU'D BEAT ME UP! My dad said you'd do that one day, waaay back when we started dating! SO DID SETH, BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS JOKING! YOU REALLY ARE ABUSIVE! AND YOU HAD THE GUTS TO ASK ME TO MARRY YOU? And on top of that...those guys in the rape van shot a hole through my Taco Bell cup," she added with a sniffle, concluding her wailing rant as tears continued to stream down her face.
Nick's eyes widened a little, pointing to Ichigo questioningly when she mentioned marriage. "...Shut up," Ichigo told him simply. Peyton smacked him upside the head hard, making his temple throb. "Nick can't even talk, stupid-head! STOP BEING SO MEEEEAAANN!" she wailed, crying loudly all over again.
"Why's she cryin'?" Mike wondered groggily, sitting up slowly. Nick explained the whole thing through scribbles and pantomimes, Peyton continued to bawl, and Ichigo briefly wondered if he should just jump off the bridge they were going over.
It was then he realized the Rapist Van wasn't behind them anymore. "...Huh?" he wondered, slamming on the brakes. Mike flew out of his seat, his face smacking against the dashboard with his legs poking out of the sun roof.
Peyton shut up immediately, blinking in surprise. "...Oh my God...ICHIGO, YOU KILLED MIKE NESS! YOU ABUSIVE BASTARD! THAT'S IT! WE'RE OVER! WE –"
"Unfortunately...I'm still alive," Mike groaned, his face still against the dashboard as he slowly slid his legs back inside the car. Ichigo and Nick were sweatdropping heavily, and Peyton was suddenly very happy and content, making fish faces at herself through the rear-view mirror.
"Why the hell did you stop the car?" Mike asked with a groan, sounding like he was starting to sober up very slowly. Ichigo looked around. "Oh yeah, that's right. Guys, the Rapist Van isn't following us anymore."
Mike let out a whistle. "That can't be good."
"Why not?"
"Drug thugs don't leave just like that. They, uh...They must be going for the kill," he said groggily. He then started laughing, flopping down on the backseat. "You're as good as fucked, my friend. Royally."
Peyton paused her fish-face-making to glare at him. "So are you. You're in the car with us." And on that note, she turned to Ichigo and made a fish face. "Ichigo!"
His temple throbbed. "...What?"
"Do you like my fish face?" she asked, and it came out weird due to aforementioned face. He was doing his best not to either poke her puffed cheeks, strangle her, laugh uncontrollably from all the stress, or a combination of it all.
"...Yes, Peyton. I love it. It's fantastic."
"Maybe I should make this face during sex!"
"NO."
"Awww."
Nick shook his head slowly, and Mike started laughing hysterically. It was around that time that Ichigo looked ahead and saw the Rapist Van parked right in front of them. The headlights were off, but he could make out the shapes of two gangly men with guns, and the burly guy sitting in the back seat, leaning forward. A hand was laying out the window, too.
He gulped. "Peyton?"
"Yeah?" she asked, tilting her head to look at him upside-down.
"I need you to do something for me."
"Sure, anything!"
"Take the wheel," he said slowly, "but don't make any...sudden...movements. Until I say go, that is. Okay?"
"SURE!" she said happily, clapping her hands gleefully.
Nick and Mike exchanged a look, and Mike sighed heavily, putting on his seat-belt. "...We're fucked."