Ch. 10: Double Digits? I'm Surprised I got this Far…

Damien stared dumbstruck, meaning "Struck dumb", at Chase, who was apparently some kind of gym leader. Or maybe he just liked standing there. "Aha!" aha'd Paddy. "So he is trying to kill me!" "Paddy, just because he's a gym leader doesn't mean he's trying to kill you." "Doesn't it?" Paddy said in a rhetorical fashion. (Keep a dictionary on hand during this story) "Anyway," Damien put in. "Time for another unnecessarily dramatic pokemon battle!"

"doo-do-doo- it's another gym battle- doo-do-doo- it's another gym battle time!"

"Who the fuck is playing that music?" "I… don't know." Damien turned to face Chase, who had a steely glint in his eyes, which suited a cardboard cut-out. However, the cardboard cut-out was irrelevant to the situation at hand, so Chase removed it. "I, Damien of Freshseed town, challenge the leader of the Ancien city gym to an-" "Look, we're not going to listen to this every time you have a battle, okay?" "Fine."

"Hey, didn't you say I was gonna win a battle in chapter 8?" Seth asked. "Why, yes I did." "So why didn't I?" "TASER!" Several hundred volts of electricity coursed through Seth's body. He fell to the ground, twitching.

"Well, that's that settled." "Dude, why'd you taser Seth?" Several hundred volts of electricity coursed through Paddy's body. "Dude!" began Jim, but he stopped at one look at the taser. (See, he's the smart one!)

"Are they gonna be okay?" enquired Chase. "Of course, I wouldn't kill off two main characters in one chapter." "What do you mean, main characters?" "…Erm… Well, this is awkward. Let's just have a battle." "No, answer me!" "TASER!" The taser narrowly missed Chase and hit an archaeologist to his left.

"Okay, okay! We'll battle! Go, Veloc!" A dark red lizard-like pokemon appeared, large claws on its hands and feet. "Go, Aljabar!" Aljabar eyed his opponent doubtfully, which was unnerving since he had five, and presumably still has.

H2SO4 he asked. "Wait, you speak Chemistry?" H2O (Yes.) "Cool! FeC." (No, that's not what you think it is.) Hcl. "FeO." NaCl? "MgO! Ch4, H2 O2." H2O2, MnO2 CaCO3 CaCl2! (For those of you who don't speak Chemistry, take solace in the knowledge that I do.)

"Veloc, use Slash!" "Aljabar, use Rapid Spin!" Sparks flew where the two pokemon clashed, raining down on two archaeologists in a pit beside them. "OW, THAT BURNS!" "Sorry, guys!"

"Aljabar, use Confusion!" Aljabar's eyes glowed blue, and Veloc began to float in midair. Aljabar looked to the left, and Veloc slammed into a stalagmactite. (That's what I call a cave pillar.) Aljabar looked to the right and- well, you get the idea. Aljabar looked in five different directions, and Veloc fell down, dead. He was then tested by medical officials who upgraded his condition to alive.

"Go, Tortapin!" called Chase. A sand-coloured tortoise with dozens of spikes covering its shell emerged from the pokeball, despite the pokeball being the size of an orange. "Tortapin, use Rapid Spin!"

"Oh God, don't make it rhyme!" "Oh God, I feel like such an idiot. Just attack." Tortapin spun rapidly, (Ooh, shocker!) smashing into Aljabar and knocking him unconscious.

Meanwhile, Paddy and Seth had regained consciousness, and had learned something. "You mean he doesn't know we're in a story?" asked Jim. "Should we tell him?" Seth put in. "We could, but it's much funnier this way." replied Paddy. The man with the pipe had returned.

"Go, Riolu!" Ha! No tortoise, no matter how spiky, can defeat a samurai! "Okay, for the last time, you are not a fucking samurai!" I was not born a samurai, it was my destiny. "Dude, seriously, stop it. It's really annoying." But mine is a lonely destiny. I have sworn to defend truth and honour, fighting for all that is good and just.

"Dude, do you want me to taser you?" I must fight alone, forsaking all temptations, for such is the way of the samurai. "Are you even listening to me?"

At that precise moment in an undisclosed location: "Mister Junior Senior Vice President in Charge of Really, Really Freaky Shit, there is a matter of national security that requires your attention." "You woke me up for that? You're fired." "But sir, this is a matter of great urgency. The entire world could be in peril." "So?"

"So it is your duty as the Junior Senior Vice President in Charge of Really, Really Freaky Shit to investigate such happenings." "If I go see what's wrong, will you shut up?" "Yes I will, sir." "Okay, fine." The two supervisors of area 52 showed the Vice President their findings.

(Turns out Area 51 is just a paranoid was started by vampires and demon collaborators in 1947 so that anyone waking up with weird scars would blame imaginary aliens. This was deemed unfair by the Galactic Council, who are refusing to allow Earth to join until this racist outlook is stopped. But that is irrelevant.)

"Oh my God. Are these accurate?" "I'm afraid so. That very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very big rock is going to hit Earth in only a few dozen chapters." "That's bad squishee."

Three hours later: I must be swift as the coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, and all the strength of a raging fire; mysterious as the dark side of the moon. intoned Riolu.

"FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS, WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP!" sobbed Damien. Tortapin suddenly collapsed from sheer boredom, falling into the pit of archaeologists. "Ow!" "Sorry, guys." "Tortapin has left the battle. Riolu wins!" called a referee. "Why are you here?" "For no adequately explained reason. Why else?"

"Go, Ivysaur! Razor Leaf his ass!" The Razor leaf attack interrupted Riolu's speech about samurai discipline and training. The remainder of the leaves flew into the pit. "OW!" "Sorry, guys!" "Quazlan, Quick Attack!" "Ivysaur, Headbutt!" The two pokemon clashed fiercely. "Ivysaur, Vine Whip!" "Ember, Quazlan!" "No more gravy!" yelled Jim, jerking awake. The vines burst into flames and rained fire onto Chase's colleagues.

"OW! This is the worst pain ever!" "As I said, sorry, guys!" Ivysaur collapsed. "Well done, dude!" Chase congratulated Damien. "Say, lads, you mind if I come with you?" "Why?" "I'm just really, really, really, really, really bored." "As good a reason as any. Okay, you can come." "Sweet. Here's your Fossil Badge." "Thanks, dude." "Now, what did you mean by "chapters"?" "TASER!"

Tortapin: [rock/ground]: tortoise pokemon: Well, not all tortoise/turtle/terrapins can swim.

Veloc: [rock/fighting]: Raptor pokemon: Who knew that dinosaurs kick boxed? I did, but who else did?