A/N:

Thank you so much for all of the wonderful reviews you guys keep posting for each chapter. :) It means a hell of a lot to me; you guys helped this story going, so thank you for your ongoing input.

Again, I apologize for the delay in updating. I've been busy on other fanfics and just life in general. But the new chapter is here, posted and waiting for you to read. :)

I wrote this whole chapter while I was sick in bed. Hope you guys appreciate it.

Sorry about any grammar and spelling mistakes!

Enjoy! :)

Disclaimer and Warning Note:

ALL CHARACTERS IN THIS FANFIC STORY DO NOT BELONG TO MYSELF OR ANY OTHER ORGAINISATION THAT I MAY BELONG TO. THE WRITING STYLE AND IDEAS OF THIS FANFIC ARE...CRAP. THE FOLLOWING FANFIC CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND SOME MALExMALE AND DUE TO IT'S CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE...THAT MEANS YOU!

"People, if anyone at all who care about me, anyone at all, will know what my mind set was before I took the plunge..."

I'll Try To Fix You
Written by mpkio2

Chapter 10
I Can't Do This Anymore!

As I walked home with my Super Best friend Stan by my side, helping me, supporting me all the way, with my arm around his neck, I couldn't stop the many questions that buzzed around in my head, cramping my brain, causing my head to hurt. Who had saved me? If it wasn't Stan, who I initially thought, then who? It could be anyone...but wasn't everyone more focused on the fight between Stan and Craig? So who, who would take a glance at me and save me? Everyone hated me, after all – the whole fucking school hated me. No-one would save the gay Jew boy, would they? They were more likely to laugh at me if they saw me falling, than actually save me. Who in the hell...I...why did they save me? Am I even worth saving? Am I worth it all? According to my mom, I'm not. According to my mom, I need to be "better". I need to be smarter. I need to be the best. I need...

So many questions, filled, scrabbled in my brain. In the end, I realize that I don't have the energy to answer any of them; all I want to do now is sleep and sleep for ever, cause in my sleep, things are easier. Things are simpler. In my sleep nothing bad happens; reality is the true nightmare, and sleep is my safe haven. In my sleep nothing bad happens. I'm OK. I'm fine. Everyone is happy. Everyone is alive. No-one...

...dies.

Cartman...

Shit.

It all comes back to me, like a dream I wanted to forget. And I realize, I did want to forget it. I did. But I remember. I remember everything, now.

Damn it.

Damn you!

Damn you, Eric Cartman.

He dies.

Soon?

Maybe, but, funny enough, I start to wonder when.

When will he die?

Is it soon?

Is it near?

Is he dead...now?

And I-

I-

He-

Fuck. I don't care. I don't care what happens to him. I fucking hate him. I don't care if he gets run over by a car, if he dies of AIDs, if he...overdoses on...drugs. I don't care about that lard piece of fuck! I don't care...really, I don't.

Before long, before I realize it, before I open my eyes even, I'm standing in front of a door. It's blue; it's my front door.

"Well..." I hear Stan say in an expected tone of voice. "You have the keys to your house, right?"

It takes me a few seconds to catch up in what he is asking me. I shake my head, trying not only to concentrate on what he is telling me, but to also rid of the many questions cramped in my head.

"Oh, right," I mutter. I put my left hand into my left jeans pocket and I feel the metal of my keys, hear them jangle as I take them out, put them to the key hole, turn and open the door.

As I enter, I hope to god that my parents are out. After all, I lied to Stan, telling him that my parents were out working. It would be really awkward if my mom was sitting in the living room watching TV when I and Stan enter the house. I would need to explain, not only to Stan, but to my mom of the situation at hand. And I just can't handle that, not now, not ever.

Darkness engulfles us as we step into the living room. I don't hear the TV on. I don't hear the stereo on, my mom's favourite CD of Barbra Streisand on in the kitchen. I don't hear my mom's voice. I'm safe for...now.

I feel Stan pull my hand, leading me to, where I assume, the sofa is, laying me down and telling me to "rest up". He leaves my side as he turns on the lights from somewhere in the room, the lights, momentarily blinding my eyes. My eyes, slowly, adjust to the light and I can see again. Everything as it should be.

Stan is not in the room; I hear the faucet running in the kitchen and I assume he is getting me a glass of water. He returns a minute or two later, a glass of water in his right hand, a small smile on his lips. I have such a good friend. He hands me the glass of water as I sit up.

"Thanks," I say as I take a sip.

"No problem, dude," he replies as he sits by my side. It becomes, surprisingly, awkward in the room, both of us quite, silent, no eye contact. Perhaps it's the close approximaty between us on the sofa, or perhaps we have nothing to say one another. Whatever the reason is, the tension in the room is high.

"So..." Stan starts as he rubs the back of his head in an uncomfortable gesture. "Do you want me to stay and look after you or-?"

"I'll be OK," I quickly say, not letting him finish his sentence. He turns to look at me and gives me a doubtful stare. "Really, I'll be fine," I try to put as much force in my voice as possible. "I just...need to sleep,"

And that is partially the truth; I do need to sleep. However, as much as I love Stan, I need him to leave. My parents – especially my mom- could show up at any minute, enter through the front door and see us together thus causing my lie to Stan to be useless and the anger from my mom, mighty. If I could get Stan out, I could sneak out of my house, despite my desperation for sleep, wonder the streets awhile – perhaps go to Stark's Pond – and return around three thirty like I always do. My mom would be non-the wiser.

"Besides," I continue as I take another sip of water. "You need to return to school. Nurse Gollen said you have to, otherwise you'll be in trouble,"

Stan looks as though he is thinking something out. Maybe he had just remembered that small piece of information on his condition of leaving school. He slowly turns to me and says in a gentle voice:

"My best friends health is far more important than me getting into trouble,"

It's probably the kindest thing Stan has ever said to me. I smile.

"I really appreciate that, dude," And I do. "But, you should get back. I'll be fine. Trust me, dude," I give him a smile and he returns with that doubtful stare. After awhile, he sighs in defeat.

"OK, dude," He stands and picks up his school bag which he flung on the carpet. "You said me a text sometime to let me know how you're doing, OK?"

I nod my head in answer.

"Good," He walks to the door, puts his hand on the door handle and says: "Later, dude"

"Later, Stan," I reply. The door closes with a "Thud". I'm alone and, despite no-one being in the room, I whisper to where Stan was standing mere moments ago... "I'm sorry,"

Minutes later, I'm walking along the snow covered, deserted streets of South Park High Street, snow slowly falling from the grey clouds above, lingering in the air in front of me, around me.

My head is down, my hands are in my jeans pockets and I'm thinking. Always and forever thinking, wondering, regretting, hating myself for lying to my Super Best friend, a friend who helped me when I was in need and all I did was spit back at his face for all the help and support he offered me. Yeah, I feel like such a dick, it's unbelievable.

Stan tries to be good to me and all I do is kick him. And I kick him. And I kick him until he bleeds...like my mother does to me. I try to be a good son, I better myself every fucking day and she kicks me and kick me and kicks me until...blood and bruises.

I'm doing the same to Stan. The same my mom does to me. I'm abusing my best friends trust and loyalty. And he doesn't even know it. And I feel so regretful. I feel so bad that it feels up my chest and pulls onto my heart. And twists it. And squeezes it. And...shit.

I'm sorry, Stan.

Thorough my grief and wondering, pain-filled, confused mind, I stumble upon a familiar patch of land that myself and my friends always use to hang out around – but hardly anymore – Stark's Pond. The air is different that I last remembered it. It's quieter as well, more subdued. And the atmosphere is completely different – almost...lifeless.

I walk aimlessly between the trees that clutter here and there around the murky, misty black lake, somewhat frozen over. I feel the chill hit my face, but I don't bother to wrap up; I deserve it all. I deserve every freezing, cold feeling I feel for that's how I've felt on the inside, so I deserve to feel it on the outside. And no-one is around, the place, complexly deserted of life what so ever. I don't wanna be around people at the moment; I deserve to be alone. I do. I hurt Stan. I hurt everyone without them even knowing. I hurt everyone and it's killing me inside. And I'm hurting and my mom is hurting and my dad and my baby brother, Ike.

And everyone is.

And I want it to stop.

I want the pain to stop

To go away and never return.

I want the pain to stop spreading.

To stop it from spreading to other people.

I need it to stop.

Stan...

Cart-

NO. Not him. He isn't hurting. I'm hurting. Not him! He's...fine.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry….that's what the letter says and that's what I'm thinking; it's best to say what you're thinking so people, if anyone at all who cares about me, anyone at all, will know what my mind set was before I took the plunge.

No. Cart- He's fine. He'll be OK. I won't be OK, however. This pain is too much to handle and I can't-

Who does love me? Fucking no-one at all. The only person who did, who truly did love me is…dead. And I did it.

He did what? What did he do? He didn't do anything, did he? No, wait...he's always fucking things up! He did something! He did something bad and he deserves to-

And…they changed me, made me whole, made me believe that I had a purpose in life, that I was loved.

He changed? What? That doesn't make sense! He's...Cartman! Cartman doesn't...change. He's always that fat fuck i hate, that Jew-bashing fat, fucking cunt of a bastard, Cartman! God, die-

Fuck love!

I already don't have that; I don't have any "love" to speak of. Who loves me? No-one. The whole world is laughing at me, calling me names behind my back. Causing me pain. He cares about me? No-one. And any love I did have...Stan...It's gone now because I fucked it up. I deceived them. I deceived...him. I ruined all chances. I ruined everything. There's no love...

Fuck people!

And I don't need anyone either. All you do is fuck people up and cause them pain, so why be around? Why even bother at all? Why try at all? You just cause shit. You just fuck it people. There's no point at all. I just ruin everything and...my mom is right. I'm nothing. I'm nothing. I'm nothing.

I can't do this!

And I can't do this anymore! I just can't do it any longer! I try to act happy, like nothing is going on, like everything is fine and dandy. Like I'm the best son in the world, but I'm not. I'm nothing. No-one loves me, everyone hates me, no-one cares, I lie to my friend every day I see him and I get punched and kicked and banged up and...Mommy, help me...

I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.

And when I open my eyes, I find myself standing in front of the gloomy, black, frozen lake. How I got here, how I ended up here, I don't know. And it's more of a metaphoric question for its implying to things at once; how I ended in front of the lake and how I ended up in my current situation; losing everything and having nothing.

My schoolbag is off my back; I don't know where it is and I don't care. All I care about is the lake and how cold it must be, how tempting it is to take a leap and to fall under the ice and stay under the ice forever and to never be found again by anyone, to never to hurt or be hurt ever again. Yes, the temptation is mighty. All I have to do is jump and I will never feel pain again, the cold, freezing water will was over me and wash away all my grief and pain, freezing my body forever. No pain, no-more.

So tempting...

I can't do this anymore! I can't do this anymore! I can't do this anymore! I can't do this anymore! The words are repeated over and over again on a paper in front of me – I don't even remember grabbing a pen and paper from my schoolbag, but I don't care. At least, this way

...people, if anyone at all who cares about me,...

anyone at all,...

...will know what my mind set was before...

I'm standing in front of part of the lake that is partially frozen and partially not. The ice looks thin, thin enough so that if a person stands on it, they will fall right through and hit the freezing water beneath.

I stand up tall and breathe slow. I'm ready. I'm ready for this, ready to end it all.

...I took the plunge.

I do.

The ice breaks, immediately, and I hit the water, my body covered in water, water that stabs me like a thousand blades. I don't worry cause it will be over soon; everything shall be over. All the pain will wash away. I'm not holding my breath and couldn't if I wanted to; the water is so cold that you'll only be able to hold your breath in the freezing water for a mere twenty seconds or less.

I start to lose consciousness as the water takes my life, little by little. Everything goes black and I'm at the end of my tether and...no-more pain ever again...

Nothing.

And suddenly I'm being lifted by two strong hands and I'm regaining my consciousness and I'm coming back and...I feel safe and I feel alive and I know why. Because...it's them. It's the person that saved me, is saving me...again. Their saving me...again. Saving me from my death, from my suicide. But...I wanted to die. I needed it to be over. Why are they saving me? Don't they know don't I want to do this?

I feel air hit my face straight away, the air warmer than i remember. My lungs are filled straight away with air and cough up water as my body is dragged out of the water and on to the flat ground of grass, two strong arms helping me all the while.

My body is soon out of the water completely and I cough up even more water. I don't open my eyes for I am way too tired to do it; perhaps the water lowered my energy levels. I don't know why. I faintly remember that I was tired before I took the plunge; explains a lot.

It's a shame my eyes are so heavy for I really want to see the person, the person who saved me, again. I want to see them and thank them.

"You stupid, Jew rat!" That's Cartman's voice. What the hell is he doing here! Don't tell me he watched the whole thing from a distance, wanting me to die; that sick fuck!

"Just what the fuck do you think you were doing!" But I realize that his voice is closing, really close. Like...right next to me.

"I thought you were smarting than this, Kahl!" Slowly, I feel the strong arms lift my whole body off the ground and into their comforting, safe hold. I feel safe, once again. I, faintly, open my eyes to look up at my savoir, but my vision is so blurry; I can hardly make out their outline. All I saw was a mixture of brown and red.

I hold on to their shirt and breath, slowly.

I smell the armour of Chessy Poofs and KFC...

"You're such a stupid Jew!"

Oh, God.

Please, no...

A/N:

Well, there's another chapter done and dusted.

A little OTT for Kyle's pint in committing suicide, but I tried to make it sound as understanding, rational and believable at the same time.

The story wasn't going to go down this route for awhile, but I realized I needed to get the plot moving quickly. The main purpose for this chapter is too show that Kyle is in a place where he cannot return from, a place where nothing is worth anything and life would be better if he was gone. That place is suicide. To properly rationalize what Kyle is doing and why he doing it, I had to show the emotional stress Kyle is going through with his friends and family and how everything in his life has just gotten too much for him. With no-one to love or to care for him, with all the pain he is going through, he believes death is the only way out. Thank god Cartman was there to save him. :)

And of course I had to make Cartman save him; it's the only way I can get them both together at now Kyle knows who saved him, who he felt so safe with; he's reaction at the end says it all. lol. Would be interesting to see how things will develope from there.

So, possibly, the next chapter will be Cartman helping Kyle out back at his house. Still not sure, really.

By the way, I used a whole section from "Kyle's Dream" in "Chapter 5" to show how related both events are to each other. Hope some of you picked up on that.

And yes, I wrote this whole chapter while I was sick in bed with a cold.

Reviews would be appreciated as always. Would love to hear what you think will happen next and how you think I did with this chapter (Despite my sickness). :)

Until next time my foxy readers and reviewers.