Those left behind:
Daegal finally located Arthur when the King was on his way to find Merlin. Skidding to a halt, Daegal still nearly slammed into Arthur Pendragon. He had been going at nearly top speed after all, desperate to find someone who might be able to…Arthur was their only hope now.
Arthur was still only in his sleep clothes. A good enough point being that it was mid-morning, and Merlin had never arrived to wake him up. Thus, Gwen had sent Daegal to go see about Merlin while she did it. Daegal had a feeling that Arthur was a bit peeked that a certain manservant of his hadn't shown up even with breakfast or to help him dress.
But there were more important matters at that moment. Merlin himself being at the top of that list. "Wow!" Daegal gasped as he bounced backwards, his own sparsely clothed self still groggy-eyed from sleep.
"Watch where you're going Daegal," Arthur said, sounding preoccupied, and he grabbed Daegal's shoulder to steady him. Daegal nodded breathlessly. "Do you know here my useless manservant is?" Arthur asked, Daegal cringed. Oh, you won't say that when you hear about what has happened…
"I'm going to kill him," Arthur continued to needlessly rant. "I give him a few jobs that he as to do every day, and he somehow manages to screw every single one of them up every Tuesday or so. Does he plan this? I mean honestly…" Daegal ended the tirade with his own brand of anger. After all that Merlin had done for Arthur and he was worrying about being woken up late? But Daegal's anger evaporated as quickly as it had come. Arthur didn't know, couldn't ever know…
Especially after Mordred. Daegal had seen the penalty for having magic, for being who he was, and he agreed that Arthur, as much as Daegal loved him, was not ready. Would he ever be?
"It is about Merlin," he panted.
Arthur's eyes snapped down to his. "So you have seen him? He's still in bed, I suspect. Happily in dream land, well, I'll show him…" Arthur started to march past Daegal again, on his way to harass Merlin no doubt. Daegal quickly intercepted him before he did get there and had to find out the hard way like Daegal had. Besides, they did not have time for Arthur's anger.
"Sire, listen please!" he cried with determination. His stern voice caught Arthur by surprise. He turned. "Gaius sent me," Daegal quickly explained. "To ask you to come," he explained. Arthur's brows furrowed with concern.
"To come? Why? What's happened?" He asked at once. Daegal bit his lower lip. He had gone with Merlin to his home village of Ealdor a few weeks earlier. He had met the kind and hard-working people, listened to Merlin's mother's quiet voice and been lured to sleep by her sweet lullabies. And according to popular myth, so had Arthur.
He didn't know how deeply the news would affect the King. Daegal knew it had already affected one of his friends horribly. Arthur noticed his hesitation, and his eyes narrowed with confusion, and perhaps alarm. "It's Merlin, isn't it?" Daegal's silence confirmed it.
Arthur turned completely around, and his worry was hidden behind a mask of indifference and high authority. He crossed his arms, His hands were shaking. "Well, spit it out then. Is he alright?" he asked, and if Daegal did not know him better, he would say Arthur did not care at all. But he did know better, so he knew that the opposite was true.
Arthur had always cared too much. Merlin said that it was his fatal weakness, the one link that made him a better King than Uther. He cared. Daegal shook his head, remembering the horrible, horrible silence in Gaius's chambers, the old man's tear-filled, despairing voice calling out to Merlin to please come out…
"Please, sire. Gaius says no one but you can get him out. He's been calling all night…" Daegal choked out, the tense silence once more taking hold of his throat through his memories and strangling him. Arthur was suddenly right in front of him, smelling of linen and chamomile.
"Daegal. What is it?" He demanded again, and there was no room for argument in his tone.
Daegal decided the truth was in order this once. "Gaius got a letter last night from…From A person in Ealdor. It is gone, sire. The entire village was burned to the ground. Only a few survived," Arthur's face went pallid as he realized just what would make Merlin hide away in his room all night.
"Hunith," he breathed. "Oh no…Daegal, is she…?" Daegal nodded miserably.
"She got trapped inside her house. It was burned to the ground," he looked up, struggling to keep the tears from rushing down his face. "Gaius told Merlin last night. He vanished into his room, and he won't come out. Please, milord. Gaius says he hasn't eaten or drunk since he went in there. He has to come out…" he begged. Arthur listened calmly, and nodded at his assessment. He only had one question.
"Who?"
Daegal shuffled in place, eyes cast down. "Milord, we must hurry…" Arthur's hand caught his chin, and forced him to look up. Daegal did, and he saw two burning orbs of revenge glaring into his own.
Arthur wasn't going to let whoever did this escape. "Who did it?" He repeated.
Daegal gulped. "Mordred, sire. The villagers description matches that of Mordred," if at all possible, Arthur looked more surprised by that than anything. He released Daegal, taking a step back.
"Mordred," He gasped. "Impossible! Mordred would never…" he trailed off, doubt suddenly flaring in his eyes. In Mordred's view Arthur had betrayed him, Arthur had proved that he was unworthy of the friendship Mordred had given him. And Mordred knew that the best way to get at Arthur was through Merlin or Gwen. And since Gwen was unavailable…
His eyes widened with immeasurable sadness. "He doesn't deserve that," Arthur muttered, straightening slowly. He stared down the corridors over Daegal's head, mouth set into an unhappy line.
"Milord! Merlin!" Daegal cried, reminding him of whose grief they should be paying attention too, that they had a brother who was suffering here! Arthur stared at him as if he had never heard the name before. Then, in a burst of speed Daegal had yet to see from the King, he turned on his heel and ran. Daegal bolted after him a second later, following Arthur as he bolted down the corridors to Gaius's chambers. Once there, Arthur did not knock.
He barreled into the room inelegantly, clad in only his sleep clothes and adorned with only ruffled hair and bare feet. Yet he still stood like a king. Gaius was still pacing when Daegal followed Arthur into the small room, his wizened face a mask of anxious entreaty.
When he saw Arthur, relief replaced the anxiety, but only a little. "Sire!" Gaius breathed as if Arthur were an angel. When he noticed what Arthur was wearing, however, his face fell and he dipped his head apologetically. "I apologize for not sending another servant to wake you, I should have," Gaius said.
Arthur waved his hand dismissively. His former ire about just that vanished into thin air. Arthur was staring at the closed door to Merlin's room as if he could feel the person on the other side.
"Don't apologize to me, Gaius. You know that doesn't matter now," Arthur looked at the older man for the first time, and he cringed in sympathy. "I'm so sorry, Gaius. Your sister…" he trailed off helplessly, Gaius shook his head miserably.
"I have not seen Hunith in many years. We were more like old friends than brother and sister. But Merlin…" Gaius's tone turned desperate for the second time that morning. "I told him the news as soon as he got home last night sire. I shouldn't have. He locked himself in his room without eating a thing, and I know he already skipped lunch yesterday!" Arthur's face crumpled into guilt. He hadn't known that.
Daegal's heart dropped. He had, but Merlin had assured him that he did it all the time; that it was nothing to worry about. Oh, why did I listen to him? Daegal should know better than to listen to a word of Merlin said anymore! "He has to eat, and he won't answer me. Could you try?" Gaius was all but begging.
Arthur nodded, his eyes going back to the door as if he had a special connection to it. "Of course I will, Gaius. Could you go down to the kitchens and have them make him something? If I have it my way, he'll be eating in the Royal chambers today. That way I can stay with him," Gaius looked as if he wanted to kiss Arthur's feet as he nodded and with a speed that defied his age, left them for the kitchens.
Daegal didn't dare to breathe, afraid that if Arthur remembered him he might send him out. Indeed, as soon as Gaius left, Arthur stared at the door as if he were the only one in the world at that moment. Time stilled to a halt. The room lapsed into an empty silence, as if existence itself had all stopped and held its breath.
Daegal heard the distant rumble of thunder. The magic of Camelot seemed dull; the sun had abandoned them, no longer drawn by the warmth of Emrys. Without another word, Arthur moved forward and up the few stairs. He stopped before the door, and with a deep breath, knocked. Daegal held his breath, praying that Merlin would answer.
No answer.
Arthur did not look surprised. "Merlin," he called in such a soft voice that Daegal had to do a double-take. Was that Arthur Pendragon who had just spoken? Because it sounded like a stranger. Whereas Arthur's voice had always been strong, passionate, calm, inspiring… His entire voice had changed. The voice of this man was filled by guilt and grief for a dear friend, it was the voice of a brother who was suffering the pain along with his other half, it was the voice of the Once and Future King as he called for his despairing Emrys.
Daegal felt as if he were watching destiny unfold before his eyes.
"Merlin, it's me. Arthur," the very fact that he had not said 'your king,' or 'King Arthur' made a lump grow in Daegal's throat. "I know you're hurting. Just open the door," there was only silence on the other side, Arthur's voice grew a little more strained.
"Merlin, you don't have to come out. Just let me in. Please," the plea seemed to do the trick. The door swung open, revealing Merlin sitting slumped and alone on his bed. There were fresh tear tracks on his face, running down either side of his nose and off the tip of his moist chin. His eyes were red-rimmed. He looked up as Arthur crept inside. When no protest came from this, Daegal made his way inside silently.
What he saw made him collapse in the doorway. Both men ignored him. It seemed that Merlin had destroyed everything in a fit of rage. No wonder Gaius had been so flustered that morning!
The small chairs and few possessions that Merlin owned had all been demolished, crushed and splintered, torn and pounded as if by some brute beast. Merlin must have done this with his magic. The only intact thing was his bed. And in the debris of this hurricane of anguish, Daegal saw a book lying face down on the floor, partially hidden by a torn blanket.
Merlin's spell book. The edge was burned. He had almost burned his most cherished book. That, more than anything, told Daegal how much his brother was hurting. He covered his mouth to keep back a sob.
Arthur did not seem affected by the mess. He stood before Merlin, hands on his hips, looking back and forth with an unreadable look on his face.
Daegal knew that his eyes only passed over the book, and thanked the good spirits that it was lying face down so that the King did not see the contents. Merlin must have been very careless to let Arthur in with that on the ground.
"I never liked the way you decorated this place anyway," Arthur quipped when his evaluation was done. He looked down at Merlin with compassionate eyes. "Merlin, I am so…" Merlin's voice was hoarse, bitter, but not weak or sad as Daegal had thought it would be.
"Don't," the warlock growled. "Don't you dare say you're sorry. I don't want your apologies. I don't want pity," he sneered.
Arthur nodded as if he understood. "Then I won't give it," he stated calmly."She will get a heroes' funeral. You know that," the king then said. Merlin snorted.
"Didn't you hear? There's no body, Arthur. She was burned," the next sound was so pitiful that Daegal closed his eyes against the image of pain it conjured. "She was burned alive," Merlin whispered. His eyes snapped up to Arthur's blazing with a tired fury. "Mordred did this," he whispered.
Arthur nodded tightly. "He will be hunted down, Merlin," he pledged quietly. "He will be hunted down and brought to justice. He will not get away with this. You have my word," he swore.
Merlin nodded as if he had already known this. "How did he know?" Merlin asked, suddenly curling into a tight ball, arms wrapped around his knees. He was trembling. Daegal wondered why Arthur had not moved to do some actual comforting yet.
"How did he know about Ealdor? About…My mother? I never said anything to him. I never trusted him," Merlin sneered, turning naïve and hurting eyes to Arthur, whose own face was dark with thought.
"Morgana," the King cursed. "She must have helped him," he spat out the words as if they were bitter on his tongue. If Daegal had not heard the stories, he would never have thought that Arthur were talking about his own flesh and blood sister.
Merlin's eyes flashed, and he moaned. The sound was reminiscent of a dying animal. "I'm such a fool," he moaned.
Arthur shook his head. "No," he argued. "No. If there is any who claims the title of foolish, it is I, Merlin. I'm the reason Mordred did this. You always had your doubts about his integrity, and you voiced them. I just didn't listen to you," Arthur's voice cracked. "And because of my arrogance, a good woman has paid the price. Good people. If I could do anything to take it back…" Merlin's interrupting argument was delivered in a dead voice.
"You'd do the same thing all over again, just try to save him," he finished "You are a man who believes in second chances, Arthur. You saw redemption in Mordred, you saw the face of all the druids that your family has wronged, and you tried to set things right starting with him," Merlin's arms tightened around himself.
"You might want to take back your mistakes, but never what you believed was right in the first place. That isn't who you are," there was no accusation in his voice, no censure. Daegal wondered if Merlin could possibly feel hatred, or was he immune?
Arthur's eyes were pools of sorrow. "Yes," he murmured. "I suppose you're right," as he always was.
"No, the blame does not lay with you," Merlin continued, hoarsely. "It's mine. It should have been me that died." Arthur blanched.
"Merlin, don't…"
"It is true. Mordred wasn't aiming just at you by doing this, Arthur. There were things between us you didn't see," the prophecy about Camlann, Merlin's mission, Albion, the future, the dragon, everything, everything that Daegal wished so feverishly that Merlin could have said in that moment because he shouldn't have to keep it all inside. No one should be able too!
"Just as Morgana didn't tell him just to help him spite you, she did it to spite me. He blames me for Cara's death almost as much as he blames you, probably does blame me more. He always believed in your integrity, but he doubts mine. He knows that if I had put more will into it, I could have talked that girl out of execution. Heck, I could have helped her escape," Merlin barked out a sarcastic laugh.
"But I didn't. And Morgana hates me because I picked fighting at your side over fighting at hers even though I was friends to you both. No, my king, I wasn't a pawn in this battle, but a player. I played," he let out a sob. "And I lost," he finished, shoulders slouching beneath his timeless weight.
Arthur's eyes were moist in the light as he stared down at Merlin. "You shouldn't be punished for being a loyal friend," he said, and no words had ever been truer. Merlin shrugged.
"You shouldn't be punished for being a good king. The world isn't fair," he gazed listlessly at the ground. "The world isn't merciful," he whispered to himself. Arthur nodded and a thick silence descended over them. Arthur sighed.
"I know you don't want pity Merlin, but…" His bottom lip quivered. "I really am so very sorry." Arthur whispered.
Merlin let out a sob, but quickly sucked it back. "What a sight I am, huh? You must really think me a girl now, sire," Merlin spat with self-disgust, quickly attempting to swipe away his tears. Daegal shook his head.
Oh, Merlin, no. Never.
Arthur gently grabbed Merlin's wrist, stopping him from swiping the tears away. "Merlin? Shut up," that final insult caused the ebullition long awaited for to come. Merlin broke into harsh, violent sobs that shook his entire body. Arthur moved forward and pressed Merlin's face into his chest without preamble, hugging him tightly around the shoulders.
Merlin wrapped his arms around Arthur's waist. Daegal stayed there in the doorway, feeling like an unwelcome intruder to their moment of intimacy. "She's gone, Arthur… I loved her and she left me. Why does everyone I love leave me?…What have I done wrong?" '
Daegal exhaled slowly as Arthur shushed his friend with a quiet "it is not you Merlin. It has never been you," and smoothed down his hair.
But Arthur didn't know. He didn't know about Will and Balinor, Freya and Lancelot, Finna and Alator. He didn't know the sacrifices Merlin had made; the people he had given for Arthur, he didn't know that everyone Merlin loved did leave him, and it was only now that Merlin was allowing it to break his heart.
Daegal vowed never to leave him.
Finally, Merlin's sobs subsided into whimpers and shuddering breaths. Arthur rocked him slowly in his arms, still pressing Merlin's face into his chest as if he were a child. "Shhh," the King soothed, stroking his neck and hair. "Sshhh, Merlin. Relax. I want you to rest now, alright?" Merlin nodded. "No getting up and working, no cleaning after anyone else or joking around or trying to be fine when you aren't. You're going to spend the day in my chambers with me alright? No one will disturb us there. You are going to rest, and heal. Do you understand?" Merlin hiccupped.
"B-but what about your other duties?" He asked with a tremble in his voice. "You are the King, milord…" he began.
"That," Arthur interrupted smoothly. "Is why I have a very capable queen and a very responsible Round table and a very good ward," Arthur gently reached over and swiped a strand of hair from Merlin's damp forehead. "You were there for me when my father died, Merlin," Arthur muttered, and the glow of affection and love in his eyes was unmistakable and unparalleled. "I won't leave you now," Merlin whimpered into Arthur's chest, and muttered an affirmative, still clinging to his friend as if he were afraid he might drown if he did not.
It was at that moment that the door opened and Gaius walked back in. "Merlin!" he gasped when he saw the door open.
"He's alive, Gaius," Arthur called over his shoulder. "He's going to be annoying us for a very long time to come," Merlin let out a soft, but sincere laugh.
"Better believe it, you prat," he muttered.