I want to give a huge thanks to my beta Lindz, babe you rock. Your always there for me when I have a question. You've become a great friend and I can't thank you enough for all you do and have done for me. Including letting me use your name for one of the teachers in this chapter.
I also want to thank IAK and Dazz for also letting me use them for characters in this story. You two are very faithful readers and are amazing friends. Thanks for all you've done for me. Dazz thanks again for the amazing banner you made for this story and IAK thanks for the letting me use the things in chapter one from your story First Imprint. If you all haven't read IAK's, Dazz's, or Lindz's stories you should. Carolyn Im not sure if I ever thanked you for letting me use you as a character and if I didn't I'm sorry so I'll do it now. Thanks so much for letting me use you as one of my characters in this story, plus a character in the whole saga. All these ladies mean the world to me so thank you!
Thanks to all my readers also. Without you, I would never have started to write. I love all of you and your comments mean the world to me. Thanks for all your encouraging words and comments.
Chapter 10 ~ Shattered Hearts and Breath Taking Moments
Heavenly Broken is the main song for this chapter~ Its by The Veronica's, I do not own this song, but I do love the words. The words below are not all the words to the song. Just the beginning.
Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, its so unfair
Any day it will all be over
Everyday there is nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold on to
But it starts again, it'll never end
I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
It just seems like I'm choking and I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm Heavily Broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do
Almost giving up on trying
Almost headed for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've got to keep up fighting
But again it will never end
(Alex's POV)
I watched as the brown beautiful wolf collapsed to the ground of the forest. Hitting it with a muted thud. His breath releasing with a huff as he hit the ground covered in moss. His eyes were staring at me with more sadness than I had ever seen in any pair of eyes. I wanted to cry for him, wanted to reach out and touch him, to tell him it all would be okay. But I couldn't reach him. I tried to hold him but my arms wouldn't encircle him. They wouldn't wrap around his body. He cried out for something or someone, I had no clue what, but I wanted nothing more than to help him. Help him get rid of the pain, to possibly take it away, but I couldn't and that hurt me to no end. As I looked into those brown eyes I could sense that I knew this wolf, that I had seen him before. It was a weird feeling, how could I know a wolf. That feeling made it even worse when I couldn't help him. I tried and tried to no avail to reach out to him to comfort him and each time it was like my hand was hitting a invisible wall. A wall that I couldn't break through. I sat down on the grass as close as I could get to him and started to whisper comforting words.
"It will be alright. Your safe. I'll stay with you. Are you hurt?" I asked.
All he did was shake his head slowly up and down, with his face on the ground it was grating on his face and fur. He acted like he didn't care, he just kept whimpering and the sounds that were coming from him were torturing me. I doubled over in pain when he let it all out in one last agonizing howl.
"HE'S HURT! HE'S HURT! PLEASE LET ME HELP HIM. I HAVE TO HELP HIM. HE'S HURT!….."
I woke still screaming and looking around for the wolf on the ground, but I didn't see him anymore. All I could see was people staring at me on the plane. Seats and isles filled with people looking at me like I was crazy. I felt Leah shaking me trying to get me to quiet down and wake the rest of the way up. Finally I looked up at her with tears flowing down my face.
"Mom this was a mistake, it's all a mistake. He's hurt. He's hurt. I have to get back to him to help him. Please take me back there!" I was starting to panic and I was sobbing into her shoulder.
I knew the wolf in my dreams, the one that had been in them for several months, he was a metaphor for Liam. I had hurt him badly by leaving. I knew that now. But there was nothing I could do to fix it.
"Alex, we can't go back now, we are still on the plane. Alex its going to be okay. We are going home, where we should be and everything will go back to the way it was…. With one exception of course."
I watched as Leah said this placing her hand on her stomach and a tear rolling down her face. She reached over with her other arm and placed it around me, holding me close to her.
I knew she was in pain about my dad being gone, I hated seeing her in pain too. I knew the pain she was feeling but mine was doubled right now. I lost my daddy and Liam. My best friends. My dad and I had been together through everything. My mom dying, all my life, he was a amazing dad. He was always there to help me with my homework even if he was busy. He always had time for me. I missed him so much. Liam was my best friend. I don't really know what he considers me now. But he's still mine no matter what I said. I wouldn't ever tell Carolyn that though, she'd either yell at me or laugh. Or she would tell me how stupid I was for acting the way I had acted towards him.
The plane landed and we got our luggage and waited for a taxi to come and pick us up to take us home, all the while I was thinking about the one I shouldn't be thinking about.
Liam…
Finally a cab pulled up to the curb and we put our luggage into the trunk and got into the car. I was still crying thinking about him and how empty our house was going to feel with out my dad. I was broken in two right now and I had no clue how to fix it. I wanted my dad, he always new how to fix me when I was broken in two, but there is nothing I can do right now to fix me. I felt so lost right now.
I kept my face towards the window the whole ride home, somehow though Leah saw the tears slowly moving down my face. She encircled me with her arms and held me tight. She was an amazing mom, no matter how much pain she was in, she was there for me now too. I just hope we could both live without the ones we both cared so much for.
Leah loved my dad, I know that. She meant the world to him too, I could see that in his eyes. That first night he brought her to meet me, his eyes sparkled again, he had that look when he looked at my mom too. I knew he loved her right then. I loved her now too. I wouldn't be able to get through all of this now without her. She had tried to push me away but I really don't think she meant too, she was just hurting so much. I had tired to blame her but it wasn't her fault, I knew that now. I still wanted to know what had happened to my dad though, I will have to ask her that soon.
We were finally pulled up to our house and Leah and I go out of the cab. The cab driver went over to help her get the bags out of the trunk, he placed them on our porch for us then Leah paid him and he drove off. We both stood there just starring at the house. Silently crying, Leah had her arms around me again. I have no clue how long we stood there, but Leah started to move forward she grabbed my hand and I slowly followed her inside a house that would forever remind of both of what we lost.
Several weeks had went by and I was still miserable, that dream that I dreamed on the plane I dreamed every night since we left. Leah woke me up every night cradling me and telling me it would be ok. It was the same dream over and over. It was a battle with my subconscious, or the inside of my head. I tried everything I could think of to make the dreams go away. Leah even made me a dream catcher but that didn't even work.
I couldn't even unpack my clothes from the trip, they still were in my suitcase. I left the suite case exactly were I had put it when we came home, it was laying on my window seat. I hadn't even touched it, it wasn't opened at all. I just wore my cloths that I had left here. I was running out of things to wear though. I had to go back to school tomorrow even though I didn't want to. Leah said it would be good for me though. I walked down stairs to put my cloths in the laundry.
When I saw Leah by the couch cradling her belly. I ran down the stairs almost tripping over my own two feet. When I got to her she looked at me and smiled though, I had thought something was wrong.
"Mom are you okay?" I asked.
"Yes, I'm great…he just kicked is all. He's really strong." You could see the pride in her eyes.
I couldn't wait for my brother or sister to get here. He or she was a part of my dad, the last thing he left us. I had been hopping for a girl, but Leah is sure it's a boy. Its what she wants, she wants him to look just like my dad. In a way I would love that too.
"Are you sure your okay?" I asked again just to make sure. She shook her head yes and sat down on the couch.
"What are you doing?" She asked me.
"Going to do my laundry. I have nothing to wear for school tomorrow."
She gave me a knowing look and smiled at me. I headed into the laundry room and put the clothes in. I heard the phone ring and ran into get it before Leah could get up. She mouthed the word 'Thanks' to me and stayed right were she was.
"Hello."
"Hey Alex. What are you doing?" It was Carolyn.
She had been calling me every day since I had gotten home, but I never felt like talking to her. But since I was going to have to talk to her tomorrow, I guess I would get a head start.
"Hey Caro, Nothing really just getting my clothes washed for school tomorrow. What are you doing?"
"Nothing, how about I come over and we can hang out for the rest of the day?"
"Let me ask my mom, hold on."
I walked into the living room and Leah knew what I was going to ask already. She just smiled and shook her head at me again. I walked back into the kitchen and told Carolyn to come on over.
The rest of the day, Caro and me sat down in my room talking about stupid stuff. She told me Taylor asked about me and at first I let it go, didn't think anything of it.
The next day I got up and got dressed for school. I picked out one of my drabby out fits, I never felt like dressing up anymore. I didn't want to be looked at, I was scared if someone looked too closely they would actually see how much I was truly hurting. I had been good at hiding it since the first day back home. I needed everyone, including Leah to think I was okay.
I still looked kind of cute, like I said I didn't want them to know how bad I was suffering on the inside, so I couldn't wear Black from head to toe or anything. So I put on a pair of flair blue jeans, a pink and black stripped t-shirt, and my favorite pair of shoes- my DC Pixie Fairy - White, crazy pink and black. I loved the design on them. I grabbed my book bag after pulling my hair up in a pony tail and headed down the stairs.
Leah had bacon and eggs already made for me, so I ate. I didn't really want to because my nerves were all jumbled up in my stomach at the moment, feeling like the ocean was rolling in on the beach and back out to see over and over again. I didn't want to hurt Leah's feelings though. So I ate. After I was done I headed out to catch the bus and I was off to my first day back at school.
When we finally got to school, I had math first. I had all new teachers now seeing as it was a new school year for me. I hadn't been in school at all this year. My math teachers name is Mrs. Amy Lautner. She seemed pretty nice for the first day. When I walked in and gave her the slip from the office. I was supposed to make sure I showed it to all my teachers. Mrs. Lautner gave us some homework but it wasn't that hard and I got it done in class. So my first class by with out anyone asking me stupid questions.
My next class went by with incident this time. I had English next the teacher brought up my dad, she just said in a hushed tone that she was sorry about my dad, she said this to me when I handed her my paper. She showed me my seat and I sat down. I saw Carolyn sitting in the back and Mrs. Lindsay Pattinson my teacher, had me in the very front seat. I smiled at Caro and sat down.
Mrs. Pattinson was a stickler for punctuation or so I had heard. She wanted us to write a essay on if we thought the school should go with a uniform. Of course I didn't think we should, who wants to look like everyone else right? We had a hour to write it and then turn it in. I just sat there, I couldn't write it. It just wouldn't come to me at all. I still hadn't wrote anything when class was over. She told us to hand them in and have a good day. I handed her my blank piece of paper, she looked at me and shook her head.
"Alex, I'll give you till tomorrow to have me an essay. Please take it home and bring it to me in the morning before class starts. This is the only time I will do this for you though. Okay?" I shook my head yes and headed out of the class and to my locker.
When I got to my locker Taylor was standing there, it looked like he was waiting for me. I rolled my eyes and walked over and opened my locker totally ignoring him.
"Alex, are you even going to say hi to me?" I grabbed my books and shut my locker.
I turned around and walked to my next class without saying a word to him. My next class was Science, it should have been my favorite class. The teacher was nice. Her name was Mrs. Kelli Meraz. I usually love science, but Taylor was in my class and he ended up being my partner for the class. We were learning about weather today and how tornado's worked. I thought it was fascinating but Taylor wouldn't shut up. I didn't say a word to him or anyone for that matter.
Lunch and the rest of the day went that way. I didn't say a single word to anyone. Not even the teachers, if they talked to me I just nodded my head. At the end of the day, I went to my locker grabbed the books I would need and headed out to the bus to go home.
It didn't take all the long to get home. When I got there, I went straight inside and straight to my room. I throw my book bag on my bed and slid down my door. School, life, everything was going to be hard for me.
I heard Leah coming up the stairs so I got up and ran over to my bag and grabbed my books. I spread them over my bed, I made it look like I was doing my homework. I felt the tears rolling down my face, I hurriedly wiped them away right before she knocked on my door.
"Hey how was your first day?" She asked me crossing the room. I didn't dare look up at her, she would know that I was crying.
"Fine. I have some homework so I came straight up here to finish it."
I could feel her looking at me, trying to decide if she should comfort me or leave me alone. Please leave me alone… Please leave me alone…
"Okay, you finish your homework, ill work on dinner. I should have it done by five thirty okay?" Again I just nodded my head, she walked out and I broke down again.
The next several months went like this, day after day, week after week. No talking at school to anyone except Caro and I really wasn't talking to her much. I talked to Leah when spoken too but not much. I didn't care what I wore or what people thought of me anymore.
Leah was starting to get worried about me. I got a F on that paper I was supposed to write for English. I was also getting F's in several of my classes. I just wasn't able to focus on anything. If my dad was still alive I would be so dead right now. That thought crossed my head every day! He always told me that grades were too important to just flub them up. I needed to do my best at all times and I defiantly was not doing my best. I wasn't even trying.
I was sinking into deeper depression that I really even thought possible. I always had my mind on Liam or losing my dad. The dreams never stopped, I just muffled my voice in my pillow or I didn't scream, it was the same dream over and over so I was really used to it. Leah never even realized that I was still having them.
So my nights were filled with longing and sadness and my days were filled with silence from me at least. I really didn't think it would ever get better…
Leah was about seven months pregnant when one day after I got home from school, it had been a really bad day for me. Taylor was being really persistent lately asking me out, that I finally gave into him. We were going to be going to the movies this weekend. When I got home I did the same thing that I had been doing every day. Going straight to my room and sitting there thinking about everything. I walked over to my laptop and got on the internet to check my e-mails and there was one from someone I didn't know.
I clicked on it not even thinking about it, I usually wont see what it is, I would usually delete it. But for once I felt like I should open it so I did. When it popped open I gasped out loud and started to sob. It was from Emily, she sent me pictures of the wedding, the first one being of Liam and me. We looked so perfect together. The next one was of me and my dad. The rest she said she sent to Leah. I just stared at the pictures, crying nonstop.
I couldn't take it anymore, I slammed my laptop shut and went over and slung myself on my bed and cried harder than I had ever cried. Get up! You can't live your life like this Alex. You can't. They wouldn't want you to be like this. I screamed to myself over and over in my head, thenafter a while I finally lifted myself of my bed and headed down stairs to get me something to eat.
I made it into the kitchen and was making me a sandwich when someone knocked on the door. I heard Leah saying something about 'hold on I'm coming'. I heard the door open and then heard her gasp and then scream.
"STEVE!"
So what do you think happened with Steve? Are you happy he's home? Let me know what you think please! Even if its just to say I liked it or not!