Soul's Requiem

Chapter 9

It felt like a lifetime ago that Goku closed his eyes; his wife being the last person he saw and despite how she lost her memories of him, he knew she would mourn for him once more. When he regained consciousness, he found himself standing outside the check-in station. Countless souls were ahead of him, and he did not bother to push through; trudging along with the rest of them to where King Yemma resided. He knew that he would be judged for his sins for the murders he committed as Dusk and knew he was guilty for everything he had done to the lives he had sworn long ago to protect to the bitter end.

Goku knew that at this point, he could only accept punishment; being sent to heaven or even to the fighting planet would be no better than letting a misbehaving child have cake. Upon entering the main area, he saw the large ogre sitting behind his desk and looked down in both shame and contempt. He already knew where he was going before he would utter a single word. The very pencil that rested between his index and middle finger seemed to waver; almost though the ruler of the dead was contemplating on how to judge Earth's hero for a fleeting moment.

"Son Goku, I had hoped we would have met under different circumstances…" King Yemma began in a grave tone. The Earth-raised Saiya-jin knew he couldn't hide his guilt; not even standing there in front of the one who had judged the atrocities the Earth-raised Saiya-jin had committed during the past year.

Goku remained silent and continued to keep his gaze glued to the floor. It felt like an eternity since the ogre had last spoken a word towards him. The only sound within the pagoda at the moment was the flipping of a page and the barely audible mutterings. The Earth-raised Saiya-jin's patience of not knowing how he would be judged for his crimes was fading fast and he knew that the ruler of the dead was only prolonging the judgment of his soul and not sending him where he truly belonged.

"It seems that after all of the trouble you had on Earth trying to protect it from Raizen and the fact that you committed many crimes as Dusk, you had done the universe a favor by taking the villainous man down. As for how I should judge you… hmm…"

The Earth-raised Saiya-jin was already sure where he was going and decided not to let the ogre continue his judgment. There was no way he could atone for his sins; not after he was certain his wife forgotten about him and the fact that he couldn't live with the guilt eating away at his conscience.

"Just send me to hell already!" Goku spat out bitterly. The others ogres within the area froze; startled at the Earth-raised Saiya-jin's declaration of how he should be sentenced to endure his punishment for betraying his adoptive world. One ogre who had paused, dropped all of the papers he had been carrying and upon realizing the error, had squatted down and half-heartedly attempted to gather them up, still interested in what conversation was taking place between the King Yemma and the former hero of Earth.

"Son Goku, do you have any idea what you are saying?" the ogre questioned in surprise. Not once in a few centuries had any man bothered to appeal for their true sentence. The ruler of the dead had heard it rarely spoken, but for once, he hesitated fully handing down the Earth-raised Saiya-jin's true sentence.

"I do and it's my fault… my fault that they all suffered. I don't deserve to be forgiven…" Goku felt the tears running down his cheeks. "In fact, I don't deserve to return to life either! I'll only do it again because I was brainwashed to do so…"

"If that is what you wish," King Yemma pressed the stamp into the page. Within moments, the floor opened up beneath the Earth-raised Saiya-jin; dragging him down into the darkness that awaited him.

It felt like an eternity since arriving in hell, but for the Earth-raised Saiya-jin, it was only a few hours had passed. He had quickly distanced himself from the other degenerates, including Frieza and Cell. He spent most of his time brooding, sitting in the same spot staring up at the pink-hued sky and the multiple yellow clouds that separated him from Snake Way. What felt like a lifetime ago, he recalled the ogre's warning not to fall off; least falling into where the wicked and cruel psychopaths, criminals and sinners resided.

Even dead, Goku seemed lifeless to the point he knew it was against his nature to give up hope in the darkest times. He would have sooner found a way to forget about his problems, but not this time. His actions had landed him here and now, he would have to deal with the consequences despite how everyone else felt about the situation he was in.

'At least Chi-chi's still alive…' Goku thought silently to himself. He ignored his stomach's protest regarding food. He knew that he couldn't starve to death being lifeless, but at the same time, it weakened him. 'I would cause too much trouble if I ate… it's no wonder our species were a bunch of mindless thugs… we caused so much misery to others that Frieza had to destroy us all…'

Elsewhere on Namek, Chi-chi was curled up fast asleep; however, her face was twisted in the form of a nightmare in which she felt she could never escape. Outside of the hut, Sacho, the Namekian boy that trusted the female upon arrival to their village, looked on in worry. He knew that she was suffering, but what could he do to ease her pain?

"Sacho, come along, it's time to finish your studies," one of his caretakers called.

"Master Babosa, can't we do anything to help her?" Sacho questioned.

"The human's body is different from ours, what might cure us would not do anything for her," Babosa explained.

"Still, she seems troubled when she's asleep… I wish I could help her…" Sacho muttered.

"Once the remaining dragon balls are brought here, we will see to it she recovers," Babosa promised.

The silence was deafening and the Earth-raised Saiya-jin did not even bother to move, lying nearly motionless on the ground with his eyes looking at nothing in particular. He wanted to disappear forever; to never exist in any universe, but there was no one around to destroy his already wavering soul. What he did was unforgivable. He knew even if he was in his right mind, he might relapse and do again and that is why he laid here upon the ground wishing nothing more than to vanish; to escape the horrid thoughts that plagued his mind for days.

A part of him wished that Raizen of all people was here right now to obliterate his soul, but he knew that the Daza-jin probably would have kept him in existence just to suffer after all that had happened. Psychologically, the chances of him vanishing were all but nil at this point. The only thing he could do was wait until someone happened to stumble upon his lifeless being and snuff out whatever was left of his pitiful soul.

'…won't he come back?' Goku could have sworn he heard Chi-chi's voice, but it was impossible; he wasn't even trying to speak to her telepathically.

'Chi-chi?' Goku thought to himself. For the first time in what felt like eons, a slight movement came from him in the form of his tail curling for a moment before falling again lifelessly on the ground. He was hearing things, he was sure of it.

'YOU ARE BEING ASKED TO RETURN TO LIFE,' Porunga's voice echoed in his mind moments later. Only the smallest form of hope reverberated through his broken psyche, but only by the slightest bit that still seemed to burn within his form.

'Why? I shouldn't be brought back to life…' Goku felt torn between remaining dead and returning to where his wife was.

'DO YOU WISH TO REMAIN DEAD THEN?'

'I…' Goku couldn't answer. The idea that he was being wished back seemed like it would make the best fairy tale ending. Whatever 'happily ever after' wouldn't even apply to this situation; he knew he bore mental scars along with the physical ones he would be faced with if he were to return to life.

'WELL? DO YOU WISH TO RETURN OR NOT?'

'On the condition this is the last time I am brought back to life…' Goku reasoned with the eternal dragon bitterly. If anything, he knew that Chi-chi wouldn't welcome him back with open arms if he told her the truth of the circumstance he had been in. Therefore, he had only planned to remain alive long enough to at least give her some closure before he died again.

Moments later, he saw the coldness of hell vanishing…

…before he took his first breath on New Namek's soil and started to feel his blood pumping through his resurrected body. He felt the arms encircle him when he sat up and felt uneasy being embraced by his loving wife.

"Goku?" Chi-chi looked quizzically at him. For the first time since he had died, she was her old self again and he noticed the worried expression on his face.

"We should go home," Goku muttered; pulling Chi-chi closer to his body before concentrating. He didn't deserve forgiveness. His mind made up, he teleported them back to Earth, knowing that he couldn't ever be forgiven for his sins.

The moment they arrived, he released her and teleported away from her before suppressing his chi so he wouldn't be detected by anyone who was chi sensitive. He sat upon a cliff overseeing the area where he left his wife and saw the other fighters appear asking her questions. She was hysterical and eventually collapsed in Gohan's arms. After that, they flew off with Chi-chi and Goku made no attempt to follow them.

"They'll only hate you now…"

"Shut-up…" Goku growled at the voice that haunted him still and dug his fingers into his scalp. He wanted the voice to go away; to remain silent and never bother him again, but he knew this was the price he had to pay for being resurrected.

'She'll never accept you the same way again. I doubt even your children will.'

"Stop…" His tail was rigid from the voice's constant pestering and the fur stood on end. If anything, it hinted that he was stressed beyond just the wordless battle he had with himself; the self-blame trying to overpower his own conscious thoughts.

'I bet even Vegeta would like to kill you now. After all, you damaged his pride deeply…'

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Goku yelled out and it was enough that he transformed for a fleeting moment before cursing. Quickly, he dropped his power level and teleported elsewhere in order to avoid whoever might be still looking for him. He did not have the heart to face his former allies the way he was. He was the reason they had all died and he felt guilty for what atrocities he committed as Dusk. He knew he wouldn't be forgiven by them. He couldn't even forgive himself for what he had done to those he murdered in cold blood.

Goku realized that he had inadvertently teleported close to his home and began to walk further into the woods towards his former home was when he still lived with his grandfather. The entrance was blocked with snow, but it did not stop him from digging into it to remove it from the door. His fingers were nearly frozen afterwards, but he didn't pay mind to it before opening the door to the small abode.

Dust and cobwebs lingered on every surface and he didn't waste time grabbing an old and well-worn broom to sweep from top to bottom of the one-room abode. He even cleaned the fireplace as kinder memories of him sitting before it with his grandfather came back to him. He shut his eyes to keep the tears from even falling down his face. It was his fault that he had killed his grandfather when he transformed and he barely kept himself from killing Chi-chi in the same manner.

'No one will find me here… I will just stay here and never bother anyone ever again…' Goku thought silently.

It wasn't until he made a fire that he collapsed on the floor in the ragged clothing he wore. He curled up with his back to the fireplace in order to keep warm when he heard footsteps outside and recognized the life force outside. He made no attempt to stop Chi-chi from coming in and finding him there. He glanced back with a guilty expression on his face before looking away; knowing she wouldn't leave until she got the answers she needed.

"Why are you here?" Goku asked his wife. He did not wish to face her right now; especially since he still had wounds that not yet healed mentally.

"To bring you back," Chi-chi replied. She closed the door behind her and drew closer to him.

"I can't go back. I should still be dead after what happened. If I was dead, then…" Goku choked on his words. Had he continued, he would have said, 'I would spare you and everyone else the pain of knowing I betrayed everyone's trust.'

"Why would you being dead make things right when it tore up this world? You protected me despite betraying us and following Raizen's orders," Chi-chi reassured in a comforting manner. "Had you not, then none of this, not even the people of Earth, would be alive right now."

"I just wish that none of this ever happened." Goku confessed. He nearly jumped when she wrapped her warms around his neck from behind and felt her body pressed against his own. Her head rested on his left shoulder in an affectionate manner. In all honesty, he didn't expect her to be so forgiving.

"So do I, Goku. So do I…" Chi-chi murmured reassuringly.

'Why? I would have figured she would have hated me, but why does she act so indifferent?' Goku questioned as his eyes fell shut. His dreams that night were not the least bit pleasant and he dreamed of losing his mate more than once.

When dawn's early light filtered in the window the next morning, Chi-chi was sitting with Goku's head in her lap gently threading through his hair. His eyes were looking up at her tiredly and he felt guilty for keeping her awake throughout the night from the nightmares he suffered. Yet, she did not hold it against her husband and remained there almost like an anchor to soothe him in whatever way she could.

"I'm sorry…" Goku groggily spoke. "I can't sleep because I…"

Chi-chi gently covered his mouth. "It's alright. I know it's hard for you to sleep Goku."

"Chi-chi…" Goku closed his eyes again while his mate continued to brush his scalp gently with her hands. The mollifying effect made him purr.

"I need to get back before they notice I'm gone," Chi-chi muttered. "Will you come with me?"

"I can't… I'm not ready…" Goku confessed to his wife.

"Everyone will forgive you, even Vegeta," Chi-chi state.

"It's not that, I just… I don't feel like I can accept what I did to them…" Goku admitted. "Will you come back this evening?"

"Goku…"

"Please?"

"Alright, I'll return, but eventually Goku, you need to come back," Chi-chi gently kissed his forehead. She rose to her feet and moved towards the entrance of the hut.

"See you tonight then," Goku sadly smiled at her before she walked out the door. When the door closed, he once more found himself having to deal with his inner demons all alone. He hardly had much energy to move, but soon, he found himself rising to his feet; shivering from the coldness that filled the house. He had to eat, to live as well as he could.

Chi-chi returned to the grounded spaceship that the others used as a shelter. Vegeta had led an attack to kill those who were loyal to Raizen. Others escaped, but they did not give chase. If they dared return, they would be easily dispatched.

Walking to the kitchen, Chi-chi noticed it was empty and went to the oven. This was where once upon a time; she baked a cake when her husband, still under the pretense of being dead, was with her when he portrayed Raizen's soldier.

"Wait, what about the one you make the cake for?"

"There will still be enough for him… plus, you will need a reason for the supplies…"

Chi-chi was jarred from the memory by the sound of the door opening. Standing there was Vegeta and he seemed rather irritated for some reason.

"Where is he?" Vegeta demanded.

"Who… who are you talking about?" Chi-chi stuttered in a rather startled tone.

"Kakarrot, who else?" Vegeta quipped.

"He didn't want to come back yet," Chi-chi explained.

"He won't last long where he's at," Vegeta stated.

"What are you saying?"

"I won't sugar-coat this, but he's dying again."

"W-what?" Chi-chi looked at Vegeta almost though he was lying, but all she saw was the seriousness on his face. "How do you know he's dying?"

"During my time with Frieza, I had seen many things. Murderers, rapists, arsonists; no matter how strong and threatening they appear on the outside, on the inside, their wills are broken, shattered beyond repair. Then one day, they off themselves without warning. Frieza wouldn't give a shit about it, but that only meant he would ensure that the rest of us continued to work hard on our missions."

"Did… did you know anyone who did it?"

"Yes, there used to be another Saiya-jin survivor with us, but she was weak," Vegeta stated. "She was a second class soldier named Cere who raised me despite never being a mother herself."

"Cere…" Chi-chi spoke the name softly.

"When my father died, she came to me and comforted me at times. There were days I wanted nothing more than to kill myself, but she reassured me that one day, I would overthrow the tyrant and free the last of us from Frieza's hands. I believed her until one day…"

"…she killed herself?"

"I thought she did at first. When I arrived back from a mission, I found her dead in our living space with a hole in her chest. She had been dead for nearly a week and the thing that frightened me the most was the empty gaze in her eyes. Later, I learned Frieza had killed her because Nappa had gotten her pregnant and did so in order to prevent the race from producing anymore 'flea-bitten primates' as Frieza referenced us."

"I… I had no idea…" Chi-chi looked down at the floor. "How… how did you live without her?"

"How else harpy? We did what we were told. Kakarrot probably did the same while he was playing the Nightingale Hunter all of this time. Whether he knew it or not, he was trying to cope without his memories and attempt to survive until he could defeat Raizen."

"I… I suppose that makes sense…" Chi-chi shivered slightly. Absentmindedly, she rubbed her arms in an attempt to warm up, but she still felt cold.

In the forest at that time, Goku was trying to find food, but there were no signs of life anywhere to be found. He felt his stomach protesting and he wanted nothing more than to give up and head back to his little house, but he needed something, anything for sustenance. He would have gone into the lake and fished, but it was frozen over with ice and he hardly had the strength to break the ice let alone plunge into the icy depths to even try to find a fish. As he walked through the lifeless forest though, it sounded more promising by the minute.

Turning around, he started back the way he came. Eventually, he soon reached the lake and summoned what energy he had in his body before firing a blast into the ice. It shattered like glass and as he stared into the dark depths, he could have sworn he saw Raizen and his complexion staring back at him. Jerking away, Goku slipped slightly and managed to retreat further into the snow bank where he started breathing heavily.

'What am I doing? I could try catching a fish with my tail,' Goku glanced back at the appendage, reminding himself of how he used to fish before it was removed. Dipping it into the water, he waited, but after ten minutes, nothing came biting and he grew discouraged. 'Have even the fish been wiped out?'

His stomach growled in protest. It was almost though Raizen's men had done a number destroying the very things he used to take for granted. He pulled his tail out of the water before making his way back to the forest. Perhaps he would try another day. For now, he needed to gather firewood before it grew dark.

That night, under a well-worn blanket, Goku stared at the fire without even acknowledging Chi-chi's presence. She held him from behind and spoke things he hardly paid attention to. Whatever words they were, he did not seem to acknowledge her in the slightest or respond.

"Goku," Chi-chi asked, wishing to hear her husband's voice, "I want to know why you want to die so badly." Goku didn't answer, which was making Chi-chi more worried about his mental state. Perhaps Vegeta was right. Perhaps her husband wanted to die after everything Raizen put him through. "Please tell me."

"Chi…" Goku slurred softly. "I… I don't feel I can be forgiven…"

"By who?"

"By everyone I betrayed… even… even you…"

"Don't say things like that!" Chi-chi raised her voice. "You had to do what you needed to survive didn't you?"

"I did, but Chi… at one point, Raizen wanted them to kill you and I… I see you dead in my nightmares…"

"I'm not dead, am I?"

"No, but…"

"I'm alive… just like you are…" Chi-chi plainly stated. Those words sounded familiar and for a moment, he remembered Cassie speaking in the same manner.

"You feel my heart beating right? It's proof that you and I are alive! That we are capable of emotions and I think what you are feeling right now is fear and the fact that you may lose her for some reason."

"She said something along those lines…" Goku whispered.

"She who?" Chi-chi questioned in confusion. She wondered what secrets he harbored and wondered if he had an affair while his memories were gone.

"It's… no one important…"

"Goku, I don't care if you had an affair on me while you forgot about me. Just tell me who it was…"

"Cassie…" Goku spoke the name softly. "She has blonde hair… blue eyes… but no, we never did anything like that… she was like a sister to me…"

"Oh…" Chi-chi seemed to have guilt on her face. 'Why am I acting so jealous for? Goku is many things, but he wouldn't have slept with anyone else…' "I… I guess I jumped to the wrong conclusion…"

"It's alright," Goku reassured weakly. "I just… I never wanted anything bad to happen to her. She went through enough."

"We all have," Chi-chi muttered softly; leaning closer to her husband's back. "It will get better…"

"I hope so…" Goku felt the exhaustion starting to pull him under and tried to resist, but it was strong upon his consciousness. Soon, he fell asleep with his wife before the fire; the only thing chasing away the darkness that had threatened to consume his every thought.

To Be Continued…

Quick author's note: If anyone's interested in seeing this series continue, visit my profile and vote. I will leave the poll up for a couple of weeks and depending on the responses I receive, I will choose whether or not to continue this story.

If you would like to discuss this story, visit the forums and feel free to ask any questions there. I will try to answer some without giving too much of the plot away; especially if there's interest to continue the story. Until next time faithful readers, feel free to leave any feedback if you like this story.

~Chibi Mirai Gogeta