Victoria sat in the library, staring blankly at the floor as Will continued to call out suggestions to Tessa, who was trying to improve her Camille walk. She hadn't spoken since Magnus' house and Will had decided to leave her to her own thoughts, thankfully. Victoria didn't want to be alone, but she didn't want to speak. She wasn't the best of company, she had realized.

Still, Victoria did not speak.

"Try it again," Will said. "Walk from one room to the other and we'll tell you if you look convincing."

Victoria looked up. She always liked this scene. Playful banter between Tessa, Will and Jem. Only Tessa, Will and Jem. Victoria wasn't supposed to be there. She put her head back down.

"You point your feet out too much when you walk," Will continued. "Camille walks with grace. You walk like a duck."

"I do not walk like a duck," Tessa protested.

"I like ducks," Jem said. "Especially the ones in Hyde Park." Victoria shut her eyes tightly before unsure if she should interfere. If she was there, she was supposed to interfere… right?

"Remember when you told me to feed poultry pie to the ducks in the park?" Jem asked.

"They ate it too. Bloodthirsty little beasts. Never trust a duck," Will shivered. Victoria didn't have the energy to roll her eyes. Still, she stood up and walked over to Will and Jem, hitting them both.

"Do you mind?" Tessa asked. "If you aren't going to help me, just leave. I didn't let you stay to hear you natter on about ducks."

"Your impatience," Will said playfully, "is most unladylike."

"Can you touch on Camille's thoughts?" Victoria asked. "Is it just the dead that you can touch on?"

Tessa shivered. "No. I was able to see Jessamine's thoughts."

Jem looked at Tessa thoughtfully. "If I gave you my father's things, would you be able to see what he was thinking when he died?"

"James…" Will said, but Victoria interrupted her twin.

"I can teach you how to walk like Camille. I've seen her walk and I had a friend – from the future – who took up a modeling job."

Stella had taken up a modeling job. Her limbs had been long and lithe, curves bountiful. Victoria was still a short Chinese girl with no curves at the time. Even now, although her limbs grew, you could barely see the curve of Victoria's waist and hips. Tessa had much nicer curves, Victoria thought absently. Victoria, however, had narrow hips. Although her frame was skinny, it was a disadvantage in fighting.

"Here," Victoria said, lifting herself up onto a table. She was wearing Will's clothes – trousers with a shirt of his. It was much easier to move in. Three pairs of eyes landed on her. "When you walk, you have to move your hips. Women have wider hips for a reason. It's not just for childbirth. I, however, barely have any hips, so you'll have to interpret my movements."

Victoria walked to one end of the high table. With her head held high and a haughty look on her face, she began to saunter. She was walking at a slow pace, her hips moving side to side, as she did. She turned back around when she reached the end of the table, gesturing for Tessa to walk on the table as she did. "The long table gives you a smaller amount of space to walk on. Practice walking in a straight line." Tessa hesitantly hoisted herself up. She began walking.

Victoria sighed. Tessa had nice hips. She looked to Will and Jem. Will's eyes were focused on Tessa. Jem however, was staring intently at her. Victoria shivered before looking back at Tessa.

Suddenly Charlotte walked through the doors, just as Victoria jumped off. Tessa was still on the table, and scrambled to get off it. They were hidden by bookshelves, but Victoria knew they were going to be caught, eventually.

Might as well be caught sooner. "Gabriel Lightwood," Jem whispered. Victoria began to walk out from the bookshelf but Will caught her wrist.

"What are you doing?" Will demanded.

"Trust me," Victoria said, eyes narrowed. Will released her. "Besides, I'm sure you would like to get acquainted with Cecily's fiancé," she muttered to herself, smirking.

"What?" Will asked.

"Nothing."

She walked out from behind the bookshelf. "Hello," Victoria smiled. She curtsied as best as she could in her brother's clothes. "I'm Victoria Herondale."

"A Herondale," someone said in disgust. Gabriel Lightwood. He had nice brown hair, she noticed.

"A Lightwood," she said pleasantly.

"Why are you in men's clothes?" Gabriel asked, thinly veiled disgust in his expression. Just then, Jem walked out from their hiding place. Gabriel looked scandalized. Thankfully, Will and Tessa walked out as well.

"These are Will's clothes. They are much more comfortable than a dress. If you tried a dress, I'm sure you would say the same," Victoria said politely. "We shall take our leave. Excuse us."

"I'll escort you out," Gabriel said, an unreadable expression on his face.

"That was a horrible mental image," Will declared.

Victoria did not smile. She was busy thinking. Cecily would come at the end of Clockwork Prince. An idea struck her. Why didn't she just go off to get the ingredients for the cure for Jem by herself? Because you would get yourself killed, a negative voice said in her mind. But it was worth a try.

"Victoria?" Victoria's train of thought crashed.

Victoria looked at her companions. Gabriel was looking at her curiously. "Excuse me," she said and she raced away. She didn't need to be with them. She ran to the music room, on the other side of the Institute. Victoria needed to think. She needed to plan.

She didn't need to be with them.

…

Later, Jem found Victoria sitting at the piano again. He took the seat near the piano, letting them fall into a comfortable silence. Victoria sighed.

Jem was the first to break the silence. "My father… I wanted to know what he was thinking because I wanted to see if he was frightened or not. I'm frightened, by death I mean. I don't want to die, but I know I have to. I have to come to terms with it."

"Do not say it like you will die soon," Victoria snapped. "I have a plan. Even in the original series, you did not die from your illness."

Jem looked like he wanted to believe it, but he shook his head. "Do not give me false hope, Victoria. I have hopes, fears and dreams like any other being. But my dreams must stay hidden…"

"What is your dream?" Victoria asked.

Jem smiled at her. "It does not matter if I voice it to you or not. It will not come true."

"Well, if it doesn't matter, you can tell me," Victoria pressed.

"I wanted to be a violinist. A composer. Not very original, but a dream nonetheless. I want to share my love for music. I want my music to be played centuries later. I want the message of my music to be spread," Jem said wistfully.

"That is a beautiful dream," Victoria said. "And I'll make it come true."

"Hope is a frightening thing," Jem said, looking at Victoria with his silver eyes. Victoria shivered. "It is a driving force. It can offer you strength and motivation. But if your hope dies, you will as well, slowly withering away as the weight of the world falls on you."

…

The next night, Victoria found herself being forced to stay at the Institute. "I should be able to go," Victoria protested.

"You are too new," Charlotte argued. "This is a serious mission."

"I would treat it as such! If I don't go on missions, how will I learn? Tessa is going!"

"She is the only one who can Change. Please, Victoria. Just stay here," Charlotte said. "De Quincey can snap your neck without breaking a sweat."

Victoria stepped back at Charlotte's pleading tone. Charlotte. A surrogate mother ever since she arrived. Unexpectedly, Victoria hugged Charlotte. "Thank you. For everything. I won't go to de Quincey's."

Charlotte sighed with relief and squeezed Victoria lightly before releasing her. Victoria's eyes shimmered with unshed tears. Charlotte didn't know this was goodbye.

Quickly, Victoria sprang into motion. She had already stole weapons – two seraph blades, a steel short sword and . Her travelling things were in her bag. She slung the bag over her shoulder. Her phone would stay with Henry. There was probably no battery anyway.

She had no real plan, but the first step was to get to Idris. More specifically, the lake. The lake where the Angel Raziel appeared. The mirror. She needed water from there. She had written it all down. The riddle.

A drop of water from the Mirror of Dreams, poison and madness to those who do not see,

The seed of the fire flower, found with the untameable metal, as rare as rare can be,

Soil from the Spiral Labyrinth – location secret and hidden, never to be found by a person without warlock sight

The breath of a forgotten ghost, left to wither and die on his lonesome, who weeps throughout the night

Those words had been imprinted on her mind. She, however, had forgotten everything else. Victoria had cursed her selective memory for an hour straight.

But she knew where to start. The Mirror of Dreams was the mirror in Idris. She paced the length of her room as she waited for the Shadowhunters to depart.

Just then, her door opened. She froze. Jem.

He looked at her, shouldering her pack, before looking at her bare room.

"You're leaving," he said plainly. Jem was dressed for battle in his Shadowhunter gear, weapons in his hands.

Victoria couldn't look into Jem's eyes. "Damn it, Victoria!" Jem threw his weapons onto the ground. Victoria winced. "You can't just leave," he said.

"I have to. I'm not needed here. I can find the cure," she said, her voice small. "I left letters to everyone, even Jessamine. I know what I have to do and I wrote very specifically what to do on yours, Will's and Tessa's…"

"Victoria!" Jem shouted angrily. "You can't run away!"

"I'm not running away!" Victoria argued, anger igniting inside. "I'm trying to be useful! You deal with Mortmain and I'll deal with the cure!"

"You'll get yourself killed!"

"Why do you have to doubt me?" Victoria demanded. "I have instructions and a plan and…" Victoria waved the sheet of paper in front of Jem's face, where she had carefully written the riddle to the cure.

Jem snatched it away from her, staring. "Spiral's Labyrinth is for warlocks," he said, his tone dangerous. "If a warlock were to tell a non-warlock, they would meet their doom. No one is going to help you. There are millions of forgotten ghosts. The seed of the fire flower is only found with adamas – only Iron Sisters could reach it. You are so foolish. You did not know any of this! Do you even know how to get to Idris?"

Victoria blinked back tears. She felt like a school girl being scolded. "I have to try," Victoria said, her voice small once again. She could not meet Jem's silver eyes. "I don't have a lot of time," Victoria continued. "I'll find warlocks to help me. I'll ask an Iron Sister. I'll search every damn ghost who weeps. I will walk to Idris from here if I have to. I need to find the cure."

Victoria kept her eyes on her boots. "Then I'll come with you."

"You can't," Victoria countered. "You are too important to this whole thing. You must stay here. Protect Tessa. Protect Sophie. Cecily will be coming. Make sure Cecily and Gabriel end up together, no matter what Will says. I wrote instructions. I have to go – alone. You have no idea how scared I am. I'm scared I'll fail. But I have to try." Victoria shifted. "I will return. I'll try to write."

There was silence.

Then Jem stepped closer and placed two hands on Victoria's shoulders firmly. Victoria tilted her head up to look at Jem. A tear leaked from Jem's silver eyes. Victoria didn't know what came over her, but she wiped it away with the tip of her finger, her eyes never leaving his. The moment seemed to stretch for an eternity. Victoria would have stayed there forever, the weight of Jem's hands on her shoulders, his forehead touching hers. She could hear his steady breathing, soothing her.

Then Jem leaned forward and kissed her softly, nipping her bottom lip. Victoria stayed frozen. Jem broke the kiss, but kept his forehead touching hers. "I have a map," he whispered. "In the drawer where the yin fen is kept. It tells you where to go – to Idris." Jem removed his right hand from Victoria's shoulder to take something from his pocket. Jem pressed the item into Victoria's hand. "Get to the next biggest city and find the Shadowhunters. Tell them to send you to Idris. Wo ai ni, Victoria. Don't forget me," he said, so soft that Victoria could barely discern his words.

Then he was gone, as swiftly as he had entered. Victoria sank to the floor, cold without him there. In her hand was the jade pendant with Chinese characters written on it. The necklace he had given to Tessa in Clockwork Prince. Now it was given to her.

Victoria let a tear slip as she realized she hadn't said "I love you" back to him.

…

Victoria hoisted herself into the saddle. She didn't feel right riding this horse, because Victoria Herondale had only ridden one horse in her life - Jacqueline. Although that Victoria Herondale was false, her false memories had been inherited by Victoria. Xanthos was a fine horse – not as fast as Balios, but Will would need that horse later on.

The jade pendant was around her neck, the map tucked safely into her pack. Before she could regret her decision, she kicked Xanthos' flanks and she rode off, not daring to glance back at the Institute.

Victoria touched the pendant at the hollow of her throat. "Jem," she whispered to herself, her heart hurting. Jem had been her friend, then her best friend. Somewhere along the way, she had fallen for him. They had shared their hopes and dreams and fears. They had confided in each other.

Camille had seen something between them that Victoria had realized only too late. She loved him. Of course, she had always loved him. As a friend. Now it was morphed into something Victoria couldn't control.

Hope. A driving force. It was the only thing Victoria held onto. Hope for Jem. Hope for her brother and family. Hope for Tessa… She couldn't let her hope die. Jem was her hope. He was her motivation.

As the distance from her and the Institute grew, Victoria wanted so badly to turn back. To gallop back. Sophie waited in there. She would understand. Agatha would have bread and soup waiting for her. They would wait together for the Shadowhunters to return, a little scarred, but not permanently injured. Victoria could always turn back.

Victoria shoved her negative thought aside. "For Jem," she whispered. His name was on her lips as she rode through the night, heading for Cambridge, for the Shadowhunters that would guide her to Idris.

…

Jem had expected this. He had expected Will to explode with anger when he found his sister gone. He had expected Charlotte to fall into Henry, her large eyes brimming with tears. He had expected Tessa to weep for her new friend, gone.

He had not expected the hole in his heart. He had sent her away with a map. He had given her his blessing. But everything hurt. Jem sighed wearily, leaning on his cane like an old man. Will and Tessa were in the attic, Tessa trying to persuade Will to drink the holy water. Will had bit a vampire at de Quincey's house. The idiot.

When Tessa finally came down from the attic, Tessa's hair was messy and her lips were swollen. She looked embarrassed and angry, unhappy and humiliated. Jem only raised an eyebrow. "Meet me in the library," Jem had said plainly. "Fix yourself first. Find Will, Charlotte, Henry and Sophie. Immediately. This is about Victoria."

Jem swiftly walked away. Everything hurt. He opened the door to Victoria's room, across from his. The room was bare of her belongings, except for the few letters addressed to the members of the Institute. Besides that, it was as if she was never there. But Jem knew better. He had stood in the same spot only hours before. His lips had met hers. He knew.

Didn't he?

He picked up the letters from her nightstand and sorted through them.

In fine handwriting, it said two simple words. To Jem.

When had he fallen for her? When she clutched his hand like a lifeline? When he heard her sing? When she confided in him? Did he love her because it felt like Victoria needed him? Or because she had seen him at his worst moment, but did not back away?

He knew it was impossible, but he had to kiss her. Just taste her one time before she left. He knew her mission was hopeless. She would return empty handed. She would return when Jem was already dead, his remains part of the City of Bones.

But Victoria filled him with such hope, such fire. It was dangerous. All so dangerous.

Jem found himself opening the letter, sitting down on the bed where Victoria had once slept in.

Jem, Dear Jem, James, To Mr. Carstairs…

Jem found himself smiling at the crossed out greetings of the letter.

This is hard, the letter continued. I can't even start with a decent greeting. We don't write letters often, back from my time. But I'll start again.

Dear James Carstairs,

Thank you. Two simple words. I can't convey my gratitude, my debt to you in two simple words, can I? But I hope the meaning comes across.

Thank you for being there for me. For being the friend I needed. For being someone I can go to. You were the first one to believe in me, the first to offer me friendship.

This sounds like an awful goodbye. This isn't goodbye though. I'll be back, with a cure, for you. I know how to find it. I know where to start. I will do my best to find that cure. To give you the life you wanted. To let you become a famous composer. I'll be the first to play your music, I hope.

You've been my best friend. I can't thank you enough for that. I hope when I come back, you won't be too angry at me. I need to do this.

I can't stay at the Institute any longer. I've been nothing but deadweight. I've read the books. I knew you didn't need me, so I left. I'm going to do something useful.

A lot of things are going to happen. Do not blame yourself for anything that happens. It is meant to happen that way. You already have more knowledge than you should have. Try not to change anything. Remember that Cecily must end up with Gabriel. Sophie must fall for Gideon. Tessa will be their number one supporter.

You can be number two.

Remember to talk to Magnus Bane. Will believes that his curse is false – but only slightly. Magnus Bane will prove to him. The demon is Marbas.

There was a wet blotch on the letter, staining the fine calligraphy.

I have written something for you, Jem. Play it when you have the time.

There were several pages behind the letter, music notes dancing on them.

By the Angel, this is hard. The other letters were relatively easy. I saved you for last, knowing this would be the hardest one. I don't know why, though.

Perhaps it's because you always comforted me. You were there when I needed you.

Sorry about this messy letter. I was never a writer. Even in this life, it is Will who is the better writer.

Love from your friend,

Victoria.

P.S.

Don't forget me.

P.P.S.

I'm writing this after you left me in my room to fight de Quincey.

I love you too, James Carstairs.

I'll switch point of views from Victoria and Jem more often now. Not enough to give you whiplash, but often enough. I kind of have to, now that they are in different cities.

Sorry if you hated this. I kind of do because I don't think this is reall my best worky... aiya

I took it slow with their relationship, sort of. Not really. But in their timeine, it's been a couple months. Victoria won't be on her own for long, I promise you that.

Thank you for being loyal to this story, for those readers who have continued to stick with me. Sorry about my inconsistent updates. I have no intention of giving up on this story. I just have a lot of stuff to do.

I'm scared to look at reviews sometimes. Afraid to see if they're negative. My writing isn't the best. That's a fact. I just hope I can improve through this site. If you have any advice, tell me.

This Author's Note is way too long. SO I'll stop typing soon. But thank you, to all, who have read, reviewed, favourited and followed.