Disclaimer: The characters of CSI: NY do not belong to me however this story is of my own and should only be used after permission has been asked and given. No copyright infringement intended and no profit is being made.
Summary: Danny and Lindsay are going to learn that sometimes you must lose, in order to gain.
Notes: Thank you to MesserFamilyFan100, dannyandlindsayforeva, Claire-Louise89 and afrozenheart412 for reviewing chapter eight!
The Parent's Apple
The faint light had penetrated the curtains, slowly sweeping across the room and signalling the arrival of a new day long before Danny or Lindsay fell asleep. They'd lain in silence for hours, each aware that the other was awake. The night before, Lindsay could freely admit, had been disastrous. She'd thought seducing Danny would have solved their problems and tossed them back into the life they'd had before the baby but somehow it had opened deeper wounds. Her request for a condom had shocked even her but the thought of possibly creating another child so soon had both frightened and sickened her. They'd continued, trying to act as though there was nothing wrong but both had known better. Even when dating they'd always been too caught up in the moment to think about using protection and although inadvisable, Lindsay had, after all, fallen unexpectedly pregnant with Lucy, they had never felt the need for a condom. Danny's stash had remained in the drawer, completely untouched until the night before and Lindsay knew there wouldn't be a simple excuse for her actions. She knew Danny; he'd want them to tackle their problems head on whereas Lindsay wanted to avoid them for as long as possible.
'Good morning, passengers. This is the pre-boarding announcement for flight 6831 to Bozeman, Montana with a stopover at Denver, Colorado. We are now inviting those passengers with small children, and any passengers requiring special assistance, to begin boarding at this time. Please have your boarding pass and identification ready. Regular boarding will begin in approximately ten minutes time. Thank you.'
Lindsay looked up from the magazine she'd been aimlessly flicking through. A small girl clung to her mother's hand, rubbing her eyes tiredly as they headed towards the correct gate. Lindsay smiled wistfully to herself, watching the child follow her mother before casting her eyes back to the magazine. The words swam before her, unreadable and she inhaled through her nose slowly.
As Danny's breathing had evened out, Lindsay had silently crept out of the bed. She'd dressed quickly before grabbing a duffel and packing it in the dim light through the curtains. Danny had grumbled but hadn't woken as she'd pressed a lingering kiss to his cheek before gathering her packed belongings and stealing from the apartment. As she'd hailed a cab and requested the cabbie take her to the airport, guilt had gnawed at her senses and she'd fought back tears of both grief and self-loathing. Stepping into the airport and buying her ticket, however, had caused the heavy constriction in her chest to ease and she'd been able to breathe easier for the first time in two weeks. She thought of Danny and Lucy who'd wake to find her gone and although she wished it hadn't come to this, she also knew it was needed. Listening carefully to the next announcement, Lindsay gathered her belongings and walked toward the correct gate with purpose; if she was going to heal, if she was going to be the wife and mother that Danny and Lucy deserved, then she was going to have to do it alone.
Heavily cobwebbed with sleep, Danny yawned and stretched, his hand reaching beside him and grasping cold, empty sheets. With a sigh, his eyes popped open as he saw that Lindsay had already vacated their bedroom. He knew he'd find her doing something, looking busy and therefore avoiding the talk they desperately needed to have. He wondered whether she remembered that he was on-call today and therefore providing Mac didn't phone with a short-staffed emergency, he'd be free to catch her when she wasn't pretending to be busy. Lindsay had always been one to avoid confrontation and although he sometimes used it to his advantage, such as snapping when he was frustrated because he knew she wouldn't argue back, he was determined that they should finally confront everything that had happened since the miscarriage. He knew she had this irrational fear that he resented her for losing the baby and perhaps it was her self-loathing talking but he had to correct what she thought before it was too late.
Climbing out of their bed decisively, he pulled on his sweats and undershirt from the night before and exited the bedroom, heading to the kitchen where he found Lucy sat at the table, already eating a bowl of cereal.
"Hey, sweet pea." He ran a hand over her hair and kissed the top of her head.
"Hi Daddy. Lookit, I got this all by myselfs." She proudly showed him the bowl of cereal, grinning triumphantly.
"Oh wow, Lucy, you sure are a big girl these days."
"Uh-huh," she agreed. "I didn't spill a single drop of milk. When Mommy wakes up, I show her too."
Danny frowned, wondering why Lucy thought Lindsay was still in bed. Without wanting to worry the small child, he retreated back out of the kitchen and began a silent search for Lindsay which proved futile. Re-entering their bedroom, he paused in the doorway and observed the room with the keen eye of an investigator. Lindsay's cell phone and her badge sat on the dresser beside his, untouched from the night before. Crossing to the closet, he unlocked the gun safe and experienced a small thrill of relief to see her piece still sat beside his. Relocking the safe, he riffled through the contents of the closet and noted that some of her clothes were missing, along with the duffel she always took on journeys. Breathing steadily through the panic which was rising in his chest, he closed the closet and walked to their bathroom to find that her toiletries were also missing.
He cupped his hands over his nose and mouth, pressing his fingers into the corners of his eyes and breathing deeply. Stumbling backwards, he perched on the edge of the tub as his face screwed up and he pushed the heels of each hand into his eyes to stop the emotion from spilling over.
"Daddy?" Lucy rushed into the bathroom, crouching before him with sympathy etched across her face. "Oh Daddy! Did you poke yourself in the eyes again when putting in your 'tacts?"
Danny laughed despite himself, amused by his daughter. "Er yeah, somethin' like that."
"You needs me to find Mommy? Usually when I hurted she gives me lots of snugglies and kisses and it make it all go away and I gets better. You want that, Daddy?" Lucy offered.
The mention of Lindsay felt like a stab through the chest but Danny pushed past it, forcing a smile. "Mommy's not here at the moment, she's out running some errands. You think you could give me magic hugs and kisses instead?"
Lucy nodded vigorously before launching into his arms, peppering his face with kisses. Danny held her tightly, despising himself for lying to her but determined to remain strong for the both of them. He knew that before long Lucy would begin questioning Mommy's absence, but for now he could take solitude in her ignorance.
"What d'you say to going to the park?" he suggested, guiltily distracting her with treats.
"Yay, p'ease and fanks!" Lucy hopped out of his arms and ran out of the bathroom, hollering as she went, "I'll get dressed and then we go, 'kay? You gets dressed too and no dillydallying, mister!"
There was another stab through the chest.
"Lucy, be careful, not too high!" Danny cautioned from where he stood, watching his daughter as she fearlessly swung higher. The three year old would always need a starting push but once she'd gotten the momentum she enjoyed to prove her own independence in the swinging department.
"Lookit me go!" she shouted exuberantly.
Danny stuffed his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket, staving off the chill which swept across the park. He cast a glance over his shoulder, relief spreading through him as the familiar figure crossed the park. It was in a moment of weakness that he'd called her, promising details when she arrived, but the uplift in his mood was worth any knock to his ego.
"Ma, thank God you're here."
"What's going on?" Alba Messer asked as she reached him. "On the phone you sounded terrible."
Danny led her over to the nearby park bench, one eye still on Lucy as they sat together. "Abou' two weeks ago Lindsay had a miscarriage. She was four months on and she collapsed at work, by the time I got to the hospital they were already performing a D&C."
"Oh the poor dear," Alba sighed, a hand resting upon her breast. "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"
"Linds didn't want to. We needed time to get our own heads around it, plus we didn't wanna worry you and Pop or her parents. We haven't been too good since it happened; Lindsay's taken time from work and we've kinda buried things rather than workin' through them but last night it all kinda came to a head and when I woke up this morning she'd gone. I checked and her stuff's missin', she didn't leave a note and I don't have the faintest idea as to where she might've gone."
Alba sighed sadly, partly understanding the grief. When Louie had died she'd been devastated; Clemenza had long since washed his hands of their oldest son but she'd always hoped that someday Louie would come back from the path he'd chosen. She'd been in a catatonic state for some days after they decided to turn off the life support machine and it had taken time for her to get over that stage, finally growing back into the person she'd been before.
"Have you contacted her parents? She might have headed back to Montana," Alba suggested.
"I've been puttin' it off," he admitted. "I don't honestly think she'd head there what with the awkward questions. Not to mention her parents are fairly protective and I don't think she'd want that right now but I 'spose there's no harm in tryin'. I guess I'm just worried abou' havin' to tell them abou' the baby and the miscarriage and that she's now missin'. I'm not exactly doing a good job of lookin' after her, am I?"
Alba took her son's hand tightly within her own. "Daniel, if they know you half as well as they should then they'll know you'd do anything for their daughter."
"Daddy, I want down now, p'ease."
Danny rose from the bench as Lucy noticed her nonna, hollering her name excitedly and thrashing in the seat in her desperation to get down. Danny jogged over to the swings, warning Lucy once again to be careful before he caught the chain and pulled the swing to a stop so Lucy could clamber out into his arms.
"Phew! I thought I was never comin' down!" she exclaimed as he set her on the ground. Lucy shot off, running towards her nonna and squealing excitedly as she climbed up onto the bench and snuggled into Alba's side.
"What's you doin' here, nonna?"
"Just visiting," Alba lied smoothly, a large smile pasted across her face. "Papi was being boring so I thought I'd come have fun with my favouritest little girl."
"Me?" Lucy asked, her face shining with hope.
"Well of course you!"
"Hey Daddy, lookit nonna! Nonna come to see me!"
"No kiddin', well how abou' we get back in the warm so nonna doesn't freeze?" he suggested.
"Why, what happen when she freeze?"
Danny leaned towards his daughter, conspiratorially, whispering in the tight whorl of her ear. Lucy giggled before pushing him away.
"No she doesn't! Nonna, Daddy being a bad, bad boy."
"Well that doesn't surprise me!" she exclaimed and gave Lucy a wink. The three year old giggled at the lavished attention she was receiving.
"Hey Daddy, when Mommy back from running errands? Maybe she enjoy the warm too."
Danny felt a third stab to his chest. Alba pulled herself up to her feet, holding a hand out to Lucy. "C'mon, before I really do freeze. How about when we get home you put that movie on that you've been banging on about for ages? We'll watch it together and maybe Daddy will fix us a cup of hot cocoa each."
"Oh boy! Can you Daddy, can you?"
Relieved that the attention had once again been averted from Lindsay, he agreed immediately. "Of course and then when the movie's over you can show nonna all of your books from school and the special sticker chart you have for being a good girl."
Lucy turned her attention back to Alba, excitedly explaining the behaviour chart they had tacked to the fridge and Danny sighed sadly, wondering how long Lucy could be distracted from Lindsay with special treats. He knew with dread that by bedtime she'd be clamouring for Mommy.