AN: I'm was just typing this chapter on my trusty computer when suddenly I realize THIS IS THE FIRST DOUBLE DIGIT CHAPTER YO!
- Triumphant music plays in the background
AN: I'd like to thank my family, my friends, my trusty fans for all the reviews they gave me!
- Starts to cry
AN: I didn't think I would get this far without all of you! I mean, 73 reviews WOW! I feel so special and I'm so lucky to be here and -
HARRY: Uh, Grimly?
- Music dies down -
AN: What?
HARRY: I'm glad for your victory and all and I'd do anything to help you keep at it but while we're on the subject...do you mind explaining to everyone that I'm not...you know...
AN: Oh that? Yeah I'll get to it at the end of the chapter.
HARRY: Thanks, Grimly! You're a real pal you know that? I owe you one. You name it, and I'll get it done! Anything! That's how grateful I am-
AN: Yeah, yeah. Just head on back to your trailer, Potter.
TEN! TEN! TEN! TEN!
- Late at night, everyone in the boy's dorms is asleep except for Harry whom is sitting by the window in his Pooh Bear PJs, gazing out into the mysterious night with his trusty owl, Hedwig–
HARRY: WTF! Since when did I have a pet owl??
HEDWIG: Since I was yo momma bitch!
HARRY: …
- Hedwig coughs up a pellet.
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AKA THE NEXT DAY…
RON: So what is our schedule today, friend?
HARRY: Honestly, did kicking you senselessly in the head teach you nothing last night?
RON: Kicking me in the head? What fun! Let's do that right now!
- Ron drops to the floor
RON: Kick away, friend.
HARRY: …I thought I'd never say this but…this 'friendship' seems to be slowly improving!
- Hermione comes running down the hallway, past Harry and Ron.
HARRY: Where is she off to in such a hurr-
RON: I just saw up Hermione's skirt!
- Gets hit by Harry.
HARRY: Don't interrupt me. Where is she going?
RON: I think to a place called class.
HARRY: Class? CLASS?! LEARNING MAGIC SHOULDN'T INCLUDE CLASS! IT SHOULD INCLUDE DEFEATING EVIL AND BATTLING GIANT SNAKES AND-
- Harry is interrupted by an anonymous teacher's muffled voice from the other room.
TEACHER: Today's lesson, class, is learning how to shrink clothing items even while they are still being worn.
- Harry suddenly gets a sick and perverted brain wave. He pulls Ron up off the floor.
HARRY: Come on! We're going to be late for class!
- They both hurry into McGonagall's room
HARRY: I'm ready to learn how to shrink clothes now!
MCGONAGALL: Say what?
HARRY: Weren't you saying that we were going to shrink clothing items today?
MCGONAGALL: Em…no. Sit down.
- They sit.
HARRY: So what are we learning today?
MCGONAGALL: Today, you are going to…What?
- Hermione is bouncing up and down in her seat with her hand raised high.
HERMIONE: Do me! Do me!
HARRY: You're a sassy little thing, aren't you?
MCGONAGALL: Miss Granger, what are you talking about?
HERMIONE: I know the answer!
MCGONAGALL: But…I didn't ask you anything…
- Hermione is still jumping up and down.
MCGONAGALL: (Sighs) Fine…
HERMIONE: Ahem…In today's lesson, Professor McGonagall shall teach us how to transform a beetle into a plastic button.
MCGONAGALL: Doulbe-U-tee-eff! How did she know that?
HERMIONE: –This will be important for the rest of our lives unless of course you want to waste your life working at a muggle hotdog stand. Further more…
HERMIONE AS HARRY HEARS HER: Blabber blabber blabber blubber –Transform– blabber blubber blibber blubber blibber blabber –Your– blubber blubber blabber –Hotdog– blabber blabber –Further– blubber blabber…
HARRY: What you talkin' about, Granger?
- Everyone is silent.
DRACO: OMG it's Gary Coleman!
MCGONAGALL: Sit down Potter, your creeping us out.
- Harry sits down and spends the rest of the class only partially listening.
LATER IN POTIONS CLASS…
SEAMUS: Have you noticed a lot of those 'Later on…' things are happening more often?
DEAN: Yeah but after a while, you can just tune them out and it's not so bad.
SEAMUS: No not that. I mean when you're with a chick doing stuff and then she has you wait later on and then–
DEAN: Seamus?
SEAMUS: Yeah?
- Dean slaps him in the face.
DEAN: We – (Slap!) – Are – (Slap!) – Eleven! (Slap!)
HARRY: I can't wait for potions class. We get to make potions. Have you ever made a potion before? I bet making potions is fun! I just know I'm gonna love this class the most!
SNAPE: Siddown!
DRACO: We're already sitting.
SNAPE: …And shuttup. I am Snape, the potions master. Welcome to potions class.
RON: Yay potions!
HARRY: Does anyone get the feeling we're ripping someone off right now?
STUDENTS: What are we going to learn today, Professor?
SNAPE: The beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with it's shimmering fumes –
HARRY: Is this really necessary?
SNAPE: Don't interrupt!…The delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins…bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses…I can teach to you bottle fame, brew glory, even put a stopper in death…I can teach the secrets of – MR POTTER PLEASE SIT DOWN!
HARRY: What?
- Harry is in the corner of the room putting on a puppet show.
SNAPE: You know exactly what. Sit down this instant!
HARRY POTTER PUPPET: Screw you, Snape!
SNAPE: I said sit down!
DUMBLEDORE PUPPET: Come now, Severus. Show a little compassion why not?
SNAPE: No!
- Harry sits back down.
SNAPE: Mr Potter...we meet at last.
HARRY: Nooooo! Really??
SNAPE: Losersayswhat.
HARRY: What?
SNAPE: Ha ha ha. I can tell you are going to struggle in this class, Potter.
HARRY: Well with you saying shit like that, I wouldn't doubt it.
SNAPE: Do you like chess, Mr Potter?
HARRY: No, it's too hard.
SNAPE: …Checkers then?
HARRY: Nope.
SNAPE: Chinese checkers?
HARRY: No.
SNAPE: Soccer/Football?
HARRY: No.
SNAPE: Dominos?
HARRY: Nope.
SNAPE: Dalmations?
HARRY: No.
SNAPE: Oreos?
HARRY: OMG I LOVE OREOS! I EAT THEM ALL THE TIME BUT I USUALLY JUST SCRAPE OFF THE ICING SO I CAN EAT THAT AND THROW THE COOKIE PART AWAY I MEAN–
SNAPE: So…you like the white icing over the black cookie?
HARRY: Yup.
SNAPE: So that would make you racist then wouldn't it?
HARRY: WHAT!
SNAPE: Everyone; HARRY POTTER HAS ADMITTED TO BEING RACIST!
STUDENTS: OMG!!
DRACO: I knew it!
NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: And I thought he was such a polite boy!
DEAN: Hurt! I honestly feel hurt!
SPUNK RANSOM: It's called justice! Get with the times, Potter!
FRED AND GEORGE: YO RACIST MUTHAH F--AH!!
HARRY: I'M NOT RACIST!
DUMBLEDORE: Now calm down Herman –
EVERYONE: Harry.
DUMBLEDORE: Whatever. You're not the only one. Back in the sixties, I was admitted of being racist too. But then all I had to do was pretend I was straight and people took me being racist as just a rumour –
SNAPE: Um, Professor?
DUMBLEDORE: Yes?
SNAPE: That incident wasn't in the sixties…it was yesterday. And you weren't accused of being racist, you were accused of being gay. Which is true.
DUMBLEDORE: So pretending I was straight didn't work?
SNAPE: Nope.
DUMBLEDORE: Well damn. I thought grabbing Minervas butt would've done it.
SNAPE: That was my butt, sir.
DUMBLEDORE: Are you sure?
SNAPE: Positive.
DUMBLEDORE: Really, because I could have sworn it was–
SNAPE: No sir, it really was mine.
DUMBLEDORE: Well damn. I guess I'll just have to try harder next time.
HARRY: …What does this have to do with everyone accusing me of being racist?
DUMBLEDORE: What? RACIST!? OMG I KNEW IT!!
HARRY: I'M NOT RACIST!
RON: I SAW UP HERMIONE'S SKIRT!!
- Crickets
RON: …It's true!
HERMIONE: So is it too short or something?
FRED: Naaawww…
DRACO: Not…really…
- George kneels down and looks at her skirt.
GEORGE: Yeah it is.
- Gets slapped.
HARRY: I'm still not racist! Fred, George! Mah homeboys! Tell 'em, bruthahs.
FRED AND GEORGE: …
HARRY: Yo I say tell 'em ah an't a playah hateh.
FRED: Yeah.
GEORGE: He racist awright.
FRED: Y'all can tell by teh marker stain on hes head.
HARRY: That's my scar! Right, Dumbledore?
DUMBLEDORE: ...Sure…
- Bell rings.
SNAPE: Class dismissed.
- Everyone starts leaving.
HERMIONE: Is it really that short?
RON: …
HERMIONE: It honestly isn't that short. I saw it myself, it's a bloody foot long! Any girl would be satisfied with such length not just me…Ron…Ron?
- Ron is staring at Hermione all creepy like.
RON: Marry me!
HARRY: Snape! This isn't over! I shall get back at you once and for all.
SNAPE: Oh I highly doubt that, Potter.
HARRY: Oh really? What makes you so –
SNAPE: Racistlosersayswhat.
HARRY: What? Damnit!
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HARRY: So are you...?
AN: Am I what?
HARRY: Going to tell everyone that I'm not -
AN: Oh right! Ahem...everyone! I must clear this up so as to not traumatize Harry any further: HARRY POTTER DOES NOT HAVE AIDS.
HARRY: WHAT!
AN: Thank you. You've been a good crowd! Good night and Drive home safely.
HARRY: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT-
AN: Oh shuttup! And just so y'all know, Snape saying "The beauty of the simmering cauldron and it's shimmering fumes" and so forth is a Potter Puppet Pals referance from one of the older skits. Just to clear things up.
REVIEW!
HARRY: I'M NOT RACIST!
AN: SHATTUP!