Close Encounters 20
When Kate woke, Castle was brushing the backs of his fingers against her cheek. She sucked in a breath and sat up, disoriented.
"Hey," he murmured.
"Time's it?" she scraped out, swallowing hard.
"Nearly four. You slept hard."
"The pills," she admitted. Once when she'd forgotten two days worth of pills, she'd slept like this when she'd taken one again on the third day. Like Castle slept after an injection. She wasn't sure that was a good thing.
"Yeah," he answered. His arms were empty and she glanced past him for the baby.
But Logan was heading towards her with a roll of bright pink PT tape and a grimace. "You mind?"
Castle moved out of the way and allowed Logan to sink down in front of her. Still she looked for James, her chest aching now with something sharp.
"Yeah, he's in with Boyd. He probably needs to be fed," Castle answered.
"Boyd has him?"
Logan laughed. Now that her foot wasn't quite so swollen, he was looking at it more thoroughly, carefully consulting the x-rays they'd taken.
"Boyd," Castle confirmed. "I'll get him."
Castle left the living room and headed for the kitchen and Kate winced when Logan started taping her toes.
"Well, here's the deal," he told her. "Can't do a cast or anything on your toes. This pinky toe here has two breaks - at the tip and in the middle - and the toe beside it has one break at the base."
"So you're - ouch, Logan - inexpertly taping my toes together?"
"Inexpert, my ass," Logan said. "But yes. Taping these two to a third toe to help keep them splinted. Plus, see? I've put this little plastic stick in between these two as well."
"Shit, I really did a number on my foot."
"You really did. The stitches are down here too, in between these little toes, so I'm trying to be careful. But Kate..."
"I know. The pills will probably mean-"
"I don't know what they'll mean," Logan hissed. His hands shook for a second and he stopped.
Kate finally understood. With what the pills gave her, maybe her toes would heal over too fast for the stitches - maybe. But James was taking a lot of that back out of her. "Did you tell Castle this?"
"Yes," Logan answered, his jaw working.
Shit. "Is Castle... okay?"
"You should probably be asking him that."
Chastened, Kate sank back against the couch cushions. "Right. Why is James with Boyd?"
"Because your husband thinks it's amusing to make Boyd squirm."
Kate laughed, the noise escaping before she could control it. Castle came back through with the baby at that moment, and James practically leaned out for her, a little desperate.
She took the baby and cuddled him against her shoulder, but James was hungry and didn't like that at all. He mewled and tried to squirm down against her, rooting, but she was glad to hear that already he sounded more demanding and less pitiful.
Not starving, at least. Just hungry.
"Okay, okay," she murmured into the top of his head, kissing his soft hair. "Almost, baby. Let Logan finish taping my toes."
"There," Logan said. "Done. You should keep off your foot as much as possible, but when you do - please try to walk normally. Otherwise, you'll do damage to the ligaments and tendons."
Right. Kate was already fumbling at her shirt, and Logan grunted and beat a hasty retreat. Castle sank down beside her on the couch and brushed his fingers over the top of James's head, soothing him.
James latched on and hummed, warm contentment easing into his little body. His lashes blinked furiously and she could feel it, feel it against her skin.
She glanced up at Castle. "Have they tested his blood yet to check?"
"They will after you nurse him," Castle said. "If everything's okay, then..."
Then that was it. Crisis averted.
Kate cupped the back of James's head and slowly rubbed her thumb against his ear. He was happy, a sweet baby, and his little fingers were splayed against the slope of her breast as he nursed.
Warm little fingers. Warm ears. Already she'd given him what he needed.
"How's he doing?" she murmured.
Castle turned his head and cupped the side of her face, pressed her cheek to his as she peered over his shoulder at the baby. "You shouldn't be on your foot," he whispered.
"I'll get back in bed in a second," she said softly.
"Kate?"
She hooked her arm around his neck and he felt her leaning against the back of the rocking chair. "It hurts," she admitted. "I could use some ice when James is done feeding."
He had to quell his instinct to jump up and get her ice right now. But he wanted James to sleep, and he wanted Kate to sleep, and her priority wasn't going to be herself when James was right here blinking up at them, slowly feeding from the bottle.
"Sit down, sweetheart," he murmured, scratching his fingers at her scalp and tugging her hair just a little. "At least right here, stay off it."
"Mm," she sighed. But she did sink down beside the chair - not what he'd intended when the bed was close - and leaned her head against the padded side of the rocking chair. James tried to lift his head to look at her, kicked out with his foot, and Kate grinned and caught the boy's ankle, kissing the sock.
"He's warm again," Castle murmured.
She grinned wider and lifted her eyes to him. "He is - I noticed that too. And sleepy. I had to wake him last time."
"Yeah," he whispered. "I did this time too." He had a hold of the bottle with the arm cradling James's head, giving him a free hand to card his fingers through Kate's hair. She hummed and leaned against the chair again, her eyes slipping closed.
It was only midnight; they had a long night ahead of them. Feedings every two hours, but checking on James every thirty minutes, being sure he was breathing and warm. Checking on Kate had been part of his rounds as well, though that wasn't strictly necessary. He just felt better holding her close, feeling her heart beating against her skin as she slept. Strict schedule, but it was worth it.
"Drink up, baby," Kate said suddenly.
She reached out and stroked her fingers over the boy's skull, swirling across his forehead and down to his cheek. It caused James to startle awake, suck on the bottle again, working furiously as he stared at his mother.
"There you go," she whispered. "I know you're tired, but you gotta eat for us. Just for tonight. Then we'll let you sleep as much as you need. Yeah, good boy."
Castle couldn't take his eyes off of her, how beautiful she was, how her love shone in her eyes and filled everything, the room and the night and his body so that he was bursting with her.
He curled his arm and caught his fingers roughly in her hair, unable to help himself, bringing his lips down to brush across her temple.
"Love you too, Castle," she murmured.
He took a long breath of the scent of her hair and the night-sleep warmth of her, and then he let her go to finish giving the boy his bottle. In the morning, they'd check Kate's blood levels and if everything was right, then she'd be able to nurse again.
Kate slept through the next feeding, but Castle, bringing the baby downstairs with him to grab a fresh bottle and heat it up, thought to bring new ice back with him. He fed James standing up, a bag of frozen broccoli on the stair landing so that he wouldn't forget, the moonlight splaying around him as it came through the windows to either side of the door.
James was so tired, poor thing. Every two hours a feeding meant that the boy, at four in the morning, wanted only to sleep. It was taking Castle longer to get through the bottle, and he hated being away from Kate.
But she needed sleep too.
"Come on, James Beckett. You need to finish it off, okay? Stuff's good for you and Mommy's sacrificing a lot so you can have it. So come on. Wake up, little wolf. Sorry, but you have to stay awake for a little longer."
James struggled against sleep, he really did seem to try, but it was a constant battle. He'd doze off in the middle of sucking and the milk would leak around his lips, his lashes falling, beautiful in a heartbreaking way, and then Castle would have to softly blow in his face or jostle him in his arms or nudge the bottle.
James would rouse and try valiantly again, but now this time, he was asleep. He was done.
Half the bottle was gone.
"Castle?"
He glanced up and saw her at the top of the stairs, leaning against the railing. She pushed a hand through her hair to scrape it off her face and blinked down at him.
"You should be in bed," he said.
"I'm okay. Oh, you got more ice. Thanks." She moved like she'd be coming downstairs for it so Castle quickly darted forward, snagging it from the landing and heading up with James in his other arm. The boy had fallen asleep but had only gotten half the bottle.
"I think that's all he'll manage," he told her quietly, meeting her at the second step from the top. She glanced at James and nodded, turning around now to go back to bed.
"Maybe so."
"I'll put him back to bed - you do the same yourself," he said, handing her the bag of frozen broccoli. She gave him a tired smile as she took it, cradling the bag like he was cradling the baby, and her eyes met his as they stepped into their bedroom.
"Remember the Chinese spy?" she said, sinking down to the mattress.
"What? Yeah, of course. First mission together." He lowered James to the cradle and touched the boy's nose, felt the whisper against his skin as James breathed.
"That was the first time you slapped a bag of frozen vegetables in my hand. And then, well..."
When he turned around, Kate had tucked her toes under the frozen broccoli, biting her bottom lip. He'd been expecting provocative, but instead what he saw was insecure, and he came straight to her on the bed, gripping the back of her neck.
She tilted her head towards him and he leaned in to softly kiss her, a brush of lips that had her sighing.
"First time," he answered, rubbing his thumb at her mouth. "First time for a lot of things." Castle smirked at her and she smiled back, still a little unsure, and he had no idea why. Except maybe it was four in the morning and exhaustion was telling her lies about herself. About not being enough.
"Lie down with me?" he said softly, nudging her back. She probably wouldn't be falling asleep while icing down her foot, but having her close in the quiet darkness would be nice.
Reassuring. Maybe to them both.
She shifted onto her hip, twisting her foot under the frozen veggies, her knees bumping his. The moment he got settled, she was curling into him, straight into his arms, and he felt her heart beating fast like she was nervous.
"Hey," he murmured, wrapping an arm around her. "Hey, what's wrong?"
"Nothing," she whispered. "Nothing, I'm - no. It's okay. It will be okay. Right? Tomorrow James will be okay-"
"He's already okay, it's okay, honey. We're all okay."
She nodded against him, and he tangled his fingers in her hair, so long, soft against his hand.
He pulled her closer, kissed the ridge of her eyebrow, brushing to her ear. "Sleep, Kate. You'll feel better, we'll all feel better in the morning."
"Yeah," she sighed. Already he could feel her relaxing into sleep, maybe despite herself, but on her way.
It'd be better tomorrow - or well, a few hours from now.
When she woke, she was surprised to find that her foot wasn't the first thing she noticed. It hurt, yes, but in a dull way, as if it was a memory and not a mangled thing.
Kate turned over in bed, pleasantly relaxed, feeling less tired than she had in weeks. The sun was brilliant at the cracks of the blinds, but the light only striped along the edge of the bed, leaving them in shadow. Castle was still dead to the world, and she trailed a hand over his head, ruffling his hair as she moved to get out of bed.
She placed her foot gingerly on the floor, mindful of Logan's warning to walk normally, and the skin pulled, was a little hot and swollen, but so much better than last night.
Long night for them, what with the bloodwork and nursing every two hours until James had settled. They'd been hovering, of course, checking on James to be sure he was only sleeping, that nothing had gone wrong. She'd taken low-dose supplements every four hours for the last twenty-four, but she could take a regular pill this morning and hopefully be on track for him.
And then Dennison would be here later, a housecall, and they'd see everything was okay.
Kate glanced back to Castle and had to smile at his slack mouth, the dark shadows made by the ridge of his eyebrows. She put her fists to the mattress and leaned in to softly kiss his brow, straddling the line of his arm flung out across the bed towards her. His fingers curled as if reaching for her, his face twitched, but he didn't wake.
She kissed the warm skin at his bicep as she left the bed.
Kate turned to the side table and scooped up the bottle of pills, cracked it open and shook one out. They'd given her sixty pills with the idea that they'd make another one hundred and twenty, a six month supply. She and Castle had argued about how long she would breastfeed James now that the supplements were necessary again, but she wasn't going to give it up when it was obvious he needed so much more.
However long it took, she'd be the conduit for all those extra nutrients. Other mothers passed on antibodies in their milk, well, Kate was just going to pass on elements of the regimen.
Of course, that hadn't made Castle feel much better. But they'd compromised on a deadline: solid food. When James started eating solid food, then Kate would wean him. They could give James whatever supplements he needed in his food, crush up a vitamin in rice cereal or something.
She didn't love it, but she could see Castle's point. In six months' time, Kate would have been taking the pills for fifteen months and much longer than that just didn't seem like a good idea. She'd been pushing it at nine months, betting on her body's ability to recover from whatever side effects the pills had, but a year and a half might be harder to overcome.
But that was only if there really was anything to overcome. Her dosage of supplements last night had done wonders for her broken toes; it was scary just how good her foot felt. Castle had iced it down all night, being diligent and a little bit mournful over her, but she felt good.
She stopped obsessing over it. It was just what had to be done.
When Kate had swallowed the pill dry, she got up slowly and stepped over to the cradle, being careful of her foot.
James was awake.
She leaned in over her son and her hair tumbled down. James immediately reached for the long strands, his fists tangling in her hair, and she smiled and picked him up, let him have it for now; she didn't want to test her balance by untangling him.
His body was wriggling against her, arms and feet kicking, delighted by his grip on her. His little face was so happy, so eager for the morning. Even when he'd been clearly under-nourished, he'd still been such a sweet, happy baby. He didn't cry so much as mewl like a kitten, little sounds, but now that his electrolytes had stabilized, it was so obvious James was feeling better.
"Good morning, baby," she murmured against his forehead.
She moved for the door and eased her hair out of his hands, wincing as she got it free; James babbled his indignation, kicking his feet harder. Oh, definitely feeling better. She caught his waving hand and kissed it.
Warm, curling fingers. She felt him wrap around her thumb and she glanced down, their eyes meeting as he held on.
"You feel better, don't you?"
Sasha was in the hallway waiting on them, as she usually was these days, and her ears perked up at the baby's sounds. The wolf let out a low rumble that came from the chest and James went still, his grey eyes blinking up at Kate.
"Sasha thinks you must be feeling better too." She dusted a kiss over the top of his head only to have her hair be tangled again. He was fast. Kate pulled back and unhooked his fingers, glancing down to Sasha, the dog still woofing low in her throat. "Keep it down so Daddy can sleep. He's worn himself out with worry all night."
Sasha grumbled in her chest and nudged against Kate's leg as if to apologize. Castle had spent the night wrapped around her, as if he needed to protect her sleep, and it had been comforting. His arms around her could keep her from feeling desperately guilty over letting it go on for so long. Letting James starve this whole time.
Speaking of. James was twisting in her arms trying to find the wolf, who was still grumbling in her chest, and so Kate propped him up and sat down on the top of the stairs. Sasha came to her side and sank to her haunches, watching James avidly.
"See, James Beckett? Here's your buddy." She'd heard Castle calling him that a few times, and now it was apparently coming out of her mouth too. "I'm tired, that's all. Long night. But I guess you don't mind if I call you that."
The dog whined and nosed in under Kate's arm, whuffling against James's pajama-clad knee.
"Sasha, puppy, I caught you sneaking into our room and checking on the baby. Were you worried about him too?" She scratched Sasha behind the ears and kept her other hand on James's belly to balance him. James got excited when the dog was close and he'd been known to pitch right out of her arms.
Sasha had claimed the extra bedroom from the day they'd moved into this house, and now that it was the baby's room, she still slept there in front of the wide window, waiting on James to join here one of these days. Kate had seen the dog's protective, mothering instincts already; sometimes Sasha would bark in anxious sympathy when James mewled, as if she thought he might not be loud enough to get his parents' notice.
James reached out both arms for the dog, hapless and waving, unable yet to quite guide their direction. Sasha dipped her head and came closer, putting herself right in James's way, and the baby squealed and clutched handfuls of fur.
"Oh, Sasha, you and me, puppy. Fallen for the Castle men, huh?"
Sasha seemed to give her a sighing look, but she nestled closer to them on the stairs and dropped her head on James's belly in Kate's lap. Maybe more than just letting James do what he wanted, maybe Sasha also had missed Kate's attention and had figured out this was the way to get it.
Kate worked one hand free of the baby and stroked the wolf's head and neck, down her back, over and over. Sasha's rumble came again, that content noise almost like a purr, and she wriggled in close to them, her head on James's belly.
"Hey, missed you too, Sasha." Kate had been so distracted with Castle and James that she'd neglected the poor puppy. "And Castle has been paying all his attention to James too, hasn't he? Poor Sasha, you're a lone wolf but you still love your pack."
James waved a hand at Sasha's muzzle, and the dog didn't even flinch as the little fist struck her nose. Kate caught James's hand and pushed her thumb into his palm to kiss it. James made noises of happiness and Kate smoothed out his fingers to help him 'pet' the dog.
"Like this, James. Gentle touch. See? Better, huh, Sasha? Come on. Let's go get breakfast, all of us, and then we'll go outside, sit under the tree in the back yard. Okay?"
"You talking to the dog or James?"
Kate laughed and turned on the step to find Castle stumbling out into the hallway, rubbing his eyes and yawning as he slunk towards them. He settled down on her other side, leaning heavily into her, and she reached across her body and the baby to cup his cheek, kiss him good morning.
"Mm," he murmured. "Morning, babe. How does your foot feel?"
"Pretty good. Hurts to stand on it, but it's not throbbing as much right now. And James seems to be rebounding pretty quickly too." She held the baby with both hands as he wriggled in her lap, either excited for his daddy or the dog, hard to tell. "James Beckett, don't kick the puppy."
"I was afraid we'd have to protect the baby from the dog," Castle laughed, sitting up straight and catching James's ankle in his hand. "But I think it's the other way around. He wants her so badly and she just takes it."
"She's a good dog," she agreed. "Here, you take him."
"Has he been fed?"
"Not yet. Hasn't seemed too worried about it. I'm hoping that means he's caught up, you know? Maybe we can go four hours again, like we were doing."
"We'll see. Don't push it, Kate. We can take some time to get back up to speed."
She bit back her automatic defense - she knew he was just worried about them both, that he hadn't meant it like that - and so she simply handed James over to him. The baby fussed at finding himself in Castle's arms, but James seemed to want the dog more than his mother.
"Come on, Rick. I'll make breakfast if you keep him entertained."
"I don't think that's very fair. You are breakfast. I'm no good to him."
"Shut up," she laughed, pushing on his shoulder as she carefully stood. He was watching her, studying her like he'd make a report to her doctors later.
Well, he just might.
"Hey, I love you, you know," she said softly.
Castle startled and glanced up at her. "I know," he answered. He reached out one hand and curled it around her calf on the stair. James made a noise and drew his father's attention, and Castle's gaze was fixed on his son now.
Castle looked amazing, cradling his son in one arm and staring at the baby like there was nothing else in his world. After their long day and night yesterday, she'd seen him looking too often at her as if he couldn't bear to look at James, for all the ways they'd failed - or something else, she hadn't known, hadn't wanted to think about.
But it was a new day.
"Come on, Castle. Breakfast. Help me down the stairs."
He did as she ordered, like a good soldier, and even Sasha followed them slowly down.
Castle watched her on the green grass, laying on her back with the wolf's muzzle settled on her stomach. She was brushing her fingers through Sasha's fur, one arm behind her head to prop herself up so she could see him with James.
The baby liked the tree and the leaves, the light and the wind as it ruffled his hair. "He's got a mohawk again," Castle chuckled, extending a hand to smooth down his dark hair. James was on a blanket between them, communing with nature.
"It's cute," she admitted.
"Your father brought a few of your baby pictures and guess what?"
"I know, I know," she grumbled, making Sasha open her eyes as her stomach moved. "I had the same hair."
"Pretty adorable," he grinned at her.
She was grinning back. And then her eyes cut to James and she startled, sitting up suddenly and coming over to the baby on the blanket. "Oh my God. Castle, Castle-"
He leaned forward and saw James was smiling at them. Actual smiling. Kate laughed and the baby smiled wider, opening his mouth with it, clearly reacting to his mother.
"Hey, there, James. What's so funny?"
James eyes shifted to him and the smile was still there, looking like he was just as thrilled with it as they were. The baby began to coo at them, noises that made Kate lean in and kiss his cheeks and little fingers, James's hands reaching for her and tangling in her hair.
Something in Castle's chest eased.
At least it was clear that the baby was doing better. James was growing and learning and smiling at them. Smiling.
Kate lifted her face from the baby and beamed at Castle. "He's smiling like crazy. Look at him."
"Yeah," Castle said, shaking his head. "So am I."
Kate laughed, a little indulgent, and she shifted to his side, sliding right into his lap, putting her back to the baby. Her kiss was soft against his chin. "You really are. You know he's got your eyebrows and eyes."
"He what?" Castle murmured, distracted by the way she kissed him now, her lips brushing against his, making that raw feeling in his chest turn inside out, like the sensitive parts of him were on the outside.
"Your eyes, your eyebrows. He draws his face up into these adorable... sometimes he looks up at me as if he's trying to figure me out. That's how you look. It's the same."
"The same," he echoed.
"Remember when you were stabbed and I drove you to the cabin?"
"Parts of it," he said cautiously.
"The agents carried you inside to my dad's living room and you opened your eyes and looked up at me. And that's the look he has sometimes too. A little dazed, a little..."
"Wonder," he murmured.
She smiled. "Wonder?"
"Kinda in love with you, Kate."
She slid her arms around his neck and pressed herself against him, cradling his head so that her fingers came to stroke his ear. She was gripping him hard, and she didn't speak, and he understood that too.
He could see the baby still on the blanket, smiling and smiling, waving his fists, so proud of himself.