Hey, sorry this is so stupidly over due! No excuses, here's the chapter, it's really shitty, I lost the will to write Aria as soon as I began writing this chapter and so it just sort of went to shit... Lesson learned! This is basically a massive dialogue, oops.
We sit in silence for a while, not the nice kind of peaceful silence though. It's odd, it's like I'm just waiting for Aria to talk. I don't want to pressure her to say anything she doesn't want to, but at the same time I don't want to change the subject and seem to be dismissing her problems. After a while I decide to take the reins, maybe help ease her into this. "Are you and Ezra having problems?"
Again, another long silence, "Yes." She seems to contemplate this, takes a big gulp of wine, "No, not really. It's not the main issue." She concludes.
"And, what is the main issue?" I try, channelling my inner psychologist, my, Spencer would be proud. I wonder briefly why Aria hasn't gone to Spencer about this, as a friend or professionally. But then I realise that what Aria wants is a friend and knowing Spencer she would talk psychobabble and treat her like a patient regardless.
"Me." She says immediately. "I'm the issue." She sounds almost bitter as she nurses the glass of wine in her small hands. I remember once Aria saying she'd rather be seen dead than with chipped nail polish, yet here she is, chipped nail polish and all, sitting on my sofa.
"Aria," I chide gently, she's always too hard on herself.
"No, Emily, really. I'm being stupid." She shakes her head with a scoff, "I'm being pathetic."
"Aria," I repeat, firmer this time. She sighs.
"I'm depressed."
"Because you're fighting with Ezra?" I ask softly, taking her hand.
"No. I'm fighting with him because I'm depressed."
"Oh." I sit, very unsure what to say. "Are you," I'm not sure what I want to ask, "Have you seen a doctor?"
"Yes." She takes a long drink; I assume she's done with answering that question.
"How long…" I try to ask, already feeling guilty because I'd been none the wiser and as far as I'm aware neither had the other girls.
"I don't know. A while. It's difficult to separate the feelings I'm actually feeling from what depression is telling me I'm feeling." Admittedly I don't really understand what she means by this, but I try my best. It really is a wonder that none of us ended up depressed during our teen years given everything that went on. She shrugs nonchalantly, "I guess it'll be good for my writing though. Just look at Sylvia Plath."
"Aria!" I rebuke her seriously this time, "Don't say things like that!"
She scoffs, "I'm joking, Em. Relax, I'm not going to shove my head in an oven." She seems to roll her eyes at me, but it isn't playfully. We sit in silence for a while, Aria drinks quickly, refilling her glass before it's even empty, which makes it difficult to keep track of how many she's had.
"I know I don't understand how you're feeling, but do you want to talk about it? Maybe you can try to help me understand so that I can help you." I encourage her; hoping that she'll feel better if she can at least talk about it, know that someone is there for her.
"I don't know what I feel anymore. I'm not sad exactly, not really. It's more like I'm…" She searches for a word, "hollow, empty. Like nothing can evoke emotion from me, you know? I just feel like I'm running on autopilot all day, just waiting for when I can crawl back into bed and dread the thought of having to get up again in the morning." She takes a deep shaky breath. "It's like, a drop of ink. Like someone has an ink pen against a piece of paper. See it's ok for a while and the little black dot of ink just sits and only spreads a little, but the longer the pen stays there, the more pressure you put on it, the more ink comes out, the further it spreads, until before you know it it's seeped out all over the page, all over everything and everything is covered in that black ink and it's not reversible. You can't put the ink back in the pen and you can't clean the paper." She sounds panicky and desperate by the end so I do the only thing I know how to do. I take the glass from her hand, set it down and pull her tight against me. I feel her tiny body shake against me, wracked with sobs. Her analogy, although poetic, still doesn't really make a lot of sense to me, but I don't say so.
"It's like you're drowning and you're watching everyone else breathe." She sobs.
After a while she calms down and sits back up, wipes furiously at her face and seems more reserved now, embarrassed or maybe annoyed at herself. I swallow the lump in my throat and have to ask the fated question. It's what everyone's mind jumps to when they hear 'depression', I'm sure of it.
"Aria, do you, have you," This is more difficult that I anticipated. I can't determine if it's the palpable tension in the air, or the thought of her answer that has made this difficult.
She seems to sense what I'm asking though, my dark haired best friend just uncharacteristically scoffs mirthlessly, "Spit it out, Em."
"Have you hurt yourself?"
She looks me dead in the face now, eyes puffy and red, "Do you want to hear what you want to hear, or do you want the truth?"
"I'm hoping they're the same thing." I already know they're not.
"Does it matter?" She turns away, "You'll sleep easy regardless." She sounds annoyed. "No one really cares, Em. That's what I've learned, no one gives a fuck if you're pretending to be ok or not. You're either pretending to be ok or you're being attention seeking. That's the way this world sees this. Sees me. Just another fucked up attention seeking twenty-something who doesn't know what she's doing with her life."
"Stop it. That's not true and I know you know that. And don't you ever try to make out that I don't care about you. Not ever. Do you hear me, Aria?" I take her jaw in my hand gently and pull her to face me. "Never. Because you know I love you and I would do absolutely anything for you." I drop her jaw and take her hand instead. "I think, if you want, and it doesn't have to be right now, just when you're ready. We should talk to someone about this. Clearly whatever the doctor has done hasn't worked. We could take it slow, no pressure, maybe just talk to Spence? If you wanted."
"No!" She almost shouts, "I don't want anyone to know."
"That's ok. But, Aria, this isn't anything to be ashamed of and no one will treat you any differently." I say.
"Yes, they will." She frowns, "I told my mom and Em, you can't imagine the look of sheer pity in her eyes every time she sees me. She's constantly walking on eggshells around me. It's so awful."
"Have you told Ezra?"
"Of course not."
"I think, as much as you might hate the sound of it, you need to tell him. You told me." I smile reassuringly, "He'll understand, he'll just want to help you. Remember, in sickness and in health? And more importantly 'if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best' He signed up to this." She doesn't reply, "We should really all feel sorry for Caleb. Everyone knows it's only a matter of time before he pops the question and when Hanna was in labour she said, and I quote, 'If you can't handle me at my worst, then you'd better leave because I don't have a best, I'm always fucking awful.'" This at least makes Aria chuckle, "And the other day I heard her telling him that if he doesn't cry when he sees her coming down the aisle that she's turning round and going back." She laughs again.
"That's so typical Hanna." She shakes her head.
"She's got a point really, I may have stood on Paige's feet a little." Aria looks astounded and obviously I'm joking, but I continue, "What? She needed to have that tear in her eye for the photo! I'm sorry but I wasn't going to be uncomfortable all day for her not to cry. I cried when I saw her."
"Ezra cried." She smiles and seems to get lost in herself for a moment and I let her. We sit in a more comfortable silence now until the ringing of my phone interrupts us. I feel around for it before diving my hand down the side of the sofa and pulling it out, because it always seems to end up there.
"It's Paige," I say when Aria looks at me inquisitively, looking more like my best friend than she did when she entered my house. "Do you mind?"
"Of course not!" She smiles and stands up, albeit a little wobbly, she grabs my empty cup and her full one, "I think I'll just go make myself a coffee." She gives me a sheepish smile and I give her hand a gentle squeeze before I watch her leave the room with a heavy sigh.
"Hey, you." I smile as I answer the phone.
"Hi," She says coy, "How come you didn't answer my texts?"
"Aria came over, I kind of forgot about my phone." I explain.
"Oh, right. How're you feeling?" She asks and I know what she means, so I avoid her question.
"I'm good, missing my princess though. How's the meet?"
"I miss you too, babe. Teams doing great! The competition isn't really that strong but it gives the girls a chance to prepare, you know?"
"Well, with you as their coach I can't imagine there being any competition." I say, proud of her.
"What can I say? I'm fantastic." Confident is my favourite look on Paige, she suits it so much and she's come such a long way since school, when her confidence was rock bottom.
"You really are, I mean, your breaststroke is impeccable!" I purr suggestively, teasing her.
"Emily McCullers!" I can hear her smirk and I'm sure it makes my entire face light up. It's been two years since we got married and I still never tire of hearing her say my name.
"Yes, Paige?" I ask wantonly, biting my lip unable to contain the grin that erupts onto my face.
"Are you trying to punish me?" She asks in a hushed tone and I can sense she's only half joking, "I mean, I know with everything going on you might not feel like, you know… but we haven't, you know, since I told you I had to cancel this weekend and now you're teasing me." I already know she's pouting, adorably.
I can't help but giggle at her, "Oh, baby, I'm sorry. You know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder, so maybe I'll make it up to you …" I hear her hum in appreciation and know I need to end the call soon. "I'll text you," I say.
"Em," I hear her question, her voice raising an octave of two, she sounds both excited and shocked, "With Aria there?"
"Paige!" I laugh, "To hear about your day. I'm not sexting you, Jesus."
"Ohh."
"Yes, oh. Get your mind out of the gutter. You're spending too much time with these hormonal teenagers." I chastise, laughing.
"You started it," She whines and I know she's pouting again. "Aria wouldn't even know if you did…"
I laugh at her, "Goodbye, Paige." I roll my eyes, she reciprocates and we end the call, turning to find Aria in the doorway with two steaming cups.
"Sorry," She looks bashful and I laugh at her as she finally walks over, handing me a cup. "I didn't mean to," She clears her throat.
"Don't worry about it. You didn't interrupt anything. Paige is just being…"
"Horny?" She supplies, I choke a little on my tea. "I ordered Chinese food, I hope that's ok?"
"Yeah," I clear the tea from my airwaves, "That sounds good."
"Em," I draw my lips into my mouth and raise my brows, my sign that she should continue, "Are you and Paige going to try again, to have kids, I mean."
I sigh, not really wanting to talk about it for obvious reasons unbeknownst to Aria, "Yeah. I mean, I'm not sure when, but we will. I guess it's just," I shrug, "Clearly not the right time."
"I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Emily." She offers me a sad smile and squeezes my hand. "You're being so brave." She adds and I fight with myself not to argue with her.
"Honestly, Paige is the brave one. Her resilience is what's getting me through this. She's just full of this boundless optimism, you know? It's irritating as hell, but I love that about her."
"I'm so glad you found each other." She smiles, "And I hope you get pregnant soon because I need to meet my favourite niece or nephew!" She squeaks.
"You're not forgetting about Luca, are you?"
"No… But I'm just saying, she's a nightmare dressed like a daydream. I just know your child will be absolutely perfect." I laugh at her.
"Luca's not a nightmare."
"Yeah, because you're her favourite aunt!" She looks at me astounded and I smirk, I can't argue with her really, I'm definitely her favourite.
Aria's mood picks up considerably and despite the beginning of the night, we have a really good time. It's a nice change to just sit and relax with Aria, especially having some alone time.
I wake up early on Saturday; the bed seems to stretch on forever, just an endless expanse of empty sheets without Paige beside me. I shiver and jump up, deciding I'll at least be productive and try to pass a few hours. I pack my bag and head to the gym, which isn't something I'd been able to do lately. I take my time and make use of my membership, especially with regards to the pool where I literally could spend hours and hours. When I finish I send Hanna a text asking if she's free to meet up today. I don't really feel like spending the day alone and I had been meaning to talk to her, since we hadn't really spoken in a while.
"We're going shopping." Hanna tells me when I answer her call. She doesn't wait for a reply before she continues, "I need presents for Luca's birthday and in all honesty I just need to get away from them for a while. Caleb is just a big child. I'm marrying a man who needs constant supervision."
I choke on air, "Marrying?!" This is news.
"Well, not officially." She answers flippantly, "He's waiting for the right time to propose." She says like it's a sure thing.
"Is he?"
"Well, I fucking hope so. Do you know something I don't? Is he not going to marry me?"
"No! I mean, wait, what? I," I'm confused, "Are we back to you assuming he's going to propose sometime soon?"
"We were never away from that. CALEB! Stop teasing her! Give her back her tiara!" She shouts, "I'll pick you up in half an hour." She concludes with a heavy sigh, ending the call before I can get a word in edgeways. I take a moment to take in everything that's just happened. Hanna is so high strung I wonder how she functions on a daily basis.
Excited to write some Hannily in the next chapter! Sorry this was soooo terrible, hopefully I'll have the next chapter written sooner rather than later! Sorry, again, and thanks for all your wonderful reviews, they're always so lovely and so appreciated!