I'm so sorry it's taken so long for me to upload this chapter! The holidays get crazy. There's still at least one more chapter coming, so prepare for more feels!
Later that day, Sam wandered into the library.
"Woah, what are you doing out of bed?" Dean glared.
"You can keep me from leaving the bunker, not leaving my room." Sam rolled his eyes. "Where's Kevin?"
"He's taking a break from research to play something called a World of Warcraft." Castiel replied, looking up from the book he was reading.
"Perfect timing." Sam pulled up a chair. "Can we talk, Cas?"
"Of course."
"I'll leave you to it." Dean said, shutting his own book.
"Wait, I think you should stay. You might benefit from this too." Sam pointed out.
"Alright." Dean shrugged.
"What's going on?" Cas asked. This felt suspiciously like an intervention.
"Dean told me a little about what you've been struggling with. The nightmares, the...self harm."
Cas scowled at the older Winchester. "You had no right!"
"Hey, I was just trying to help. Sam is better at this shit than I am." Dean said defensively.
"Cas?" Sam said softly. "I'm sorry, but we really are trying to help. We're worried about you."
The former angel felt very uncomfortable with both Winchesters sitting across from him, looking at him like he was fragile; about to break.
"I appreciate your concern, but what can you possibly do?"
"I dunno, maybe help you find a way to cope that doesn't involve slicing your damn skin open?"
"Dean!" Sam gave him a withering stare.
"Sorry," He mumbled.
"I don't expect you to understand." Cas said, refusing to meet their eyes.
"Cas, do you remember when the wall inside my mind broke?" Sam suddenly asked.
His eyes widened. Of course he remembered. It was his fault. He had broken that wall. "Yes." He simply replied. "I'm so sorry-"
"No, that's not where this is going. You weren't yourself. And you made it right, you took the burden from me. Remember?"
"...Yes."
"Before that, I was hallucinating. I was seeing Lucifer everywhere, and sometimes the only way I could distinguish reality from the delusions was to cause myself pain."
Cas looked up in surprise as Sam extended his left palm, revealing a large scar. "I'd press on the cut when things got bad. Sometimes I would pop my stitches open, make myself bleed."
His eyes flickered to Dean, who was clenching his jaw tightly. This couldn't be easy to hear.
"So, yeah. I kinda get it."
"So you understand why I have to do this."
"That's the thing; you don't have to. There's other ways, if you'll just let us show you."
Cas nervously scratched at the cuts under his sleeve. The thought of quitting caused him great anxiety for some reason. But he agreed nonetheless. His condition was obviously very upsetting to Sam and Dean; the least he could do was try to get better for their sake. But there was one problem.
"I still feel like I deserve it."
"Dammit, Cas! You don't need to feel like that, ever. Okay? Yeah, you've fucked things up a few times, but it's over. It's in the past. You just learn from it and move on."
"I must atone for my sins, Dean."
"Not like this." The older Winchester pulled his hand away from his sleeve. Cas looked down and realized there was blood seeping through. He must have reopened one of the cuts.
"I'm sorry." He hated the concerned, heartbroken look on the hunter's face.
And then he realized Dean was still holding his hand.
Sam, oblivious, kept talking. "I think we've all been there, in a way. I felt like I had to fix the things I did while soulless, Dean was a mess after torturing in Hell with Alastair..."
"And I know I haven't exactly been the poster boy for mental health, but I've learned that the best way to 'atone' is to help as many people as you can. You might not be able to go back and change the things you've done, but you can make up for it by doing good. Hurting yourself doesn't help anybody."
"Dean's right." Sam agreed.
"What good can I do? I'm basically useless!"
"Would you stop saying that? It's not true." Dean squeezed his hand. "You might not have your mojo, but you've been around since the beginning of time. You know stuff that we could never find in a book. Plus, you're a damn good shot."
Cas tried to smile, but his mouth only twitched. He wished he could make them understand the hate, the absolute loathing he had for himself.
"Would you at least let us try to help?" Sam asked.
Cas sighed. "Okay,"
"Great. So I've been doing some research..."
Cas was only half listening as Sam described a few different ideas. He was too focused on Dean's strong hand gently holding his, resting on his knee under the table. It was comforting.
"What do you think?" Sam was looking at him.
"Oh. Um, snapping a rubber band against my wrist seems to be my best option."
Dean's lips tightened ever so slightly. "But only just to get you past this, okay? It's still hurting yourself; it's not a permanent solution."
Cas hesitated. "Yes."
"You could try the other stuff first, you know, the breathing and counting or whatever."
"I know."
The truth was, Cas wasn't ready to give up the pain.
"If you feel like cutting, come hang out with one of us...or all of us. You don't even have to say anything, it's just...recognize when you shouldn't be alone." Sam said.
"What about the nightmares?" Cas brought them up because honestly, the dreams were most of the reason he'd turned to self harm in the first place.
"Well..." Sam bit his lip. "I've researched all different kinds of sleeping pills, and they'll definitely knock you out. But they cause more vivid dreaming, which defeats the purpose."
"Yes. I have no trouble falling asleep, it's just the nightmares. So...there's nothing we can do." Cas confirmed hopelessly.
"Don't hesitate to wake one of us up, okay?" Sam said. "We're here to help calm you down, whatever it takes."
"Having Dean sleep next to me last night seemed to help." Cas mentioned.
Sam's eyes widened considerably, and Dean choked on his own spit.
Oops. Was that supposed to be a secret?
To Cas's disappointment, Dean's hand slipped off his knee. He felt cold at the sudden loss of contact, and the familiar hollowness in the pit of his stomach returned. Why did he always have to mess things up?
"Um, yeah, if that works. Great, yeah." Sam awkwardly stammered.
"This has been very educational. Thank you." Cas stood. "I'm going to my room now."
"Uh, alright. Just...let us know if you need anything." Sam called after him.
Once Cas was out of earshot, Sam turned to his brother. "So...you and Cas?" He asked with curiosity.
"It wasn't like that!" Dean hoped he wasn't blushing. "He had a nightmare, and I was afraid he was gonna hurt himself...so I just...did what I could to keep him safe."
Sam shrugged, a hint of a smirk playing at his lips. "Okay. Like I said, whatever it takes." He lowered his voice. "You know...if it ever becomes more than that-"
"Oh God. Goodbye, Sam!" Dean cut him off, almost knocking over his chair in his haste to get out of the room.
He could have sworn he heard quiet laughter as he hurried from the library.
"Shut up, Sammy." He mumbled. Instead of going to his own room, he found himself at Castiel's door once again. He knocked.
"Who's there?"
"It's me, Dean."
The door opened. "I thought the conversation was over." Cas said grumpily.
"Well, yeah...but...I'm just...checking in, you know?"
Cas squinted. "No."
"Come on, man." Dean sighed.
"I don't know what you want from me." Cas huffed. "I sat through your little 'intervention'."
"I just want you to talk to me. You seemed upset."
"Was I not supposed to tell Sam about last night?"
Dean cringed. "Geez, when you say it like that..."
"What? I don't understand. Is it something to be ashamed of?" Cas was confused.
"No, it's just..." Dean struggled to explain. "Usually when two people sleep in the same bed-"
"I'm aware of the sexual implications of 'sleeping together'." Cas snapped. "That's why I said you slept next to me, not with me."
"Well yeah, but that's still a pretty intimate thing. It's not something that friends do."
Cas was quiet, a look of realization crossing his face. "Then...why did you do it?" He asked uncertainly.
"It just...seemed right." Dean avoided Cas's eyes.
"Okay." Cas obviously wasn't completely satisfied with the answer, but he didn't question further. "You can go now."
"You're kicking me out?" Dean joked.
"I suppose." Cas shut the door in his face, and Dean tried not to feel hurt. He didn't know what was going on in Cas's head right now. He could only hope he wasn't in there hurting himself.