To Shag And To Protect

by TamaraJagellovsk

collection of one shots, set in Jack's and John's time at the Agency. Rated T for the moment. Stole the title but can't remember from whom. Probably been retconned. Note: these chapters are in no way chronological or even necessarily congruent - it's Time travel! alternate realities! crossing timelines! temporal displacements! makes your tongue tingle!

10. surrender

"You're lonely!"

John didn't move a muscle. No quip. No anger. No attempt to change the subject. And then he closed his eyes and took a breath, and Jack couldn't believe it when it shuddered.

"Oh my God, John, you're getting tired of the life you're living!"

"It's no fun any more."

He opened his eyes and looked straight at Jack. "Without you."

Open. Genuine. Vulnerable. No fooling around. No facade. No swagger. John Hart had lost his drive.

"I'm getting old. Never thought I'd do that on my own."

He lay back and closed his eyes again.

"Then again, there are people who didn't expect me to get old at all."

"You're hard to kill", Jack said, and there was affection in his voice. "I must know, I've tried."

"You never really tried."

"How do you know?'

"Because if you'd meant it, I'd be dead."

Jack let out a low chuckle. "We're quite the couple, aren't we?"

"No. We're not." John's eyes were still closed. "You never wanted that. You don't even like the word."

The hurt in John's voice cut right through Jack's heart. He could hear what John wasn't saying loud and clear. How much John had wanted it. What he'd gone through, how long he'd waited, how much pain and humiliation he'd taken, hoping Jack would come around. It broke Jack's heart.

"I'm sorry", he whispered.

John's eyes flew open. There was a haunted look in them, and then his face went blank.

"Never mind."

Jack waited, but John just lay there, staring at the ceiling, hardly breathing. Jack studied him, all lean lines and sharp angles, cheekbones still illegal and a jawline to die for, and he felt something inside himself come apart.

"I mean it, John. Please forgive me, if you can."

John closed his eyes and swallowed. It drew Jack's gaze to his throat, and all of a sudden he wanted to touch John, place a gentle kiss on his neck, find all the spots he used to know so well.

"It's too late, Jack. Please just get out."

"What?! You're throwing me out?!"

"Yes, Jack, I'm telling you to get lost."

"So you can do what?"

John just looked at him, and Jack thought the floor had dropped from under him.

"What did you do?!"

No answer. But John's breathing slowed and his eyes closed again.

"John? You stupid, stubborn, egocentric son of a bitch. What did you do?!"

"Piss off Harkness", John whispered, and then his breathing stopped altogether.