Six weeks later, Friday afternoon
Derek went to therapy three times a week, had told Hotch about his appointments too. Hotch was pleased with Derek's movement on getting a therapist but additionally had determined that Derek would have to stay put until Carlos would give him the permission to go entirely back to work. Derek wasn't pleased with Hotch's determination, he so badly wanted to go back to the field. Deep inside him, Derek knew that Hotch was right. Derek didn't trust himself too in making the right judgments. So, he stayed in Quantico, together with his Solace to catch up on some paperwork or to assist her with anything she demanded to get done while doing analyses for the team. The rest of the team, sans Hotch, Gideon and Penelope still didn't know what his absence was about. Derek couldn't tell them yet. Furthermore, he thought, he'd been weak for letting Carl Buford molesting him.
Therapy, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday constantly was a big struggle for him. Derek had to fight hard to be entirely able to trust Carlos.
It wasn't comfortable in no way for him to fight this barricades down, he'd raised up through so many years. But Penelope supported him every single day with her kindness and tenderness. Derek couldn't be more grateful for having her around him. She accompanied him every time, he would go to the therapy, patiently waiting for him, while he tried to talk about his experiences as a child.
Derek fought so hard to get his former life back.
Even if he knew, he was on the right path, Derek still had many nightmares and struggled very often. Too frequently for his taste.
But never, since the day, he had thrown Penelope out of his house, Derek had let down his Baby Girl again. She was giving Derek the strength, he didn't have, she was his God-Given-Solace, grounding him, making him feel better. Derek didn't know how he would be able to go through all these memories again without Penelope. No matter how often he would wake up in the night, Penelope continuously would be there, soothing him down, helping him to come to rest again with words and ginger touchings if he could bear, getting touched.
Furthermore, Derek hadn't made a move on his favorite and so precious love of his life. He wanted to be all cleared the day he would thoroughly admit into his feelings to Penelope. Derek loved her more than any woman he'd ever met, but she deserved him at his full strength not in the vulnerable situation he was in. He hadn't even kissed her once more since the day, he'd traveled to his mom's birthday. Derek so badly wanted to be the man he used to be, he perceived it wasn't easy for Penelope as well. Three or four times a week he would wake her up in the night, yelling or struggling against Buford. Somehow, she endured everything without losing her joyfulness or her kindness. She'd entirely moved into his home at some point, to take care of him and Clooney, whenever she was needed. Derek just had been glad to have her nearby. She made things more comfortable for him. He would never be able to make it up to her at any point and knew he didn't deserve her. But Derek was craving the comfort she was giving him. He trusted her completely in every possible way.
Derek had never been that glad to have the weekend off. He was exhausted after his appointment with Carlos. Two hours of talking about his abuse continually brought him on edge.
"I'm very proud of you Derek, we're making progress," Carlos told him almost at the end of their Friday's session. "Is there something else you want to talk about?"
Derek, mentally exhausted, nodded a little bit. He needed to know if it was usual, that Derek felt like he couldn't touch Penelope, that he couldn't bear her touches that good as before.
"It's about your stepsister...," he began, and Carlos nodded, giving Derek his full attention.
"It's...since I started this therapy. I just can't bear getting touched anymore. I know I irritate Penelope. I see it even if she doesn't admit it. It's like...I feel unworthy, dirty. But...," he stopped, unable to say much more, he couldn't put it into words, even if it was all so simple: Derek was craving to get touched by her, he desired to enjoy, holding her delicate body in his arms. But most importantly, he wanted to give Penelope more than he could actually give her.
"But you want to have her close?" Carlos asked him, causing Derek to nod in agreement.
"Yes," he answered, leaning his exhausted form more into the pillows of Carlos couch, stifling a yawn.
"Okay, it's simple to explain, but like everything, it will take some time to get back to normal, Derek. First of all, tell Penelope how you feel. If the people around you know, what you're going through, it's easier to not get too frustrated. We both know, she's supporting you, but every person has its limit, it's entirely human."
Derek slowly bowed his head in understanding. He wasn't a great talker, but for Penelope, he would do it. Derek couldn't lose her.
"Second thing, I think you associate her touches to your nightmares or flashbacks you're experiencing. It's pretty typical to have all these things throughout a therapy like this. Penelope attempts to comfort you with touches because it helped you. But at some point she might become been too unexpected touching you, you might have still been captured in the torture of your past and related her touches to your molester. Just try every day to reach out to her when you're awake. Take her hand, give her a hug or whatever you feel you can endure. Try it at least three times a day until it becomes natural to touch her, then you'll feel more comfortable again, and her touches will give you the comfort back you're used to."
Derek listened attentively to Carlos' introductions. He wanted to make sure to not misremember anything the man was telling him. Over the last six weeks, Carlos had supported him that much, Derek gradually began to trust that man in front of him.
"Alright, I'll work on it," he answered after a moment.
"Good, tell me how it had worked on our next appointment on Monday. For now, I think, we're finished. You're exhausted, and we've talked a lot longer than I was expecting."
"Thanks, man, I'm genuinely exhausted today," Derek answered honestly as he rose to his feet. Commonly they stepped to the kitchen, where Penelope was waiting for them, knitting.
"Hiya guys," she said, all smiles as soon as Derek and Carlos had opened the door.
"Let's get home?" Derek asked her, putting on his jacket.
"Sure thing Handsome! I can't wait for the weekend to come," Penelope answered, while she put all her personals into her bag and stepped over to her brother to give him a big, loving embrace. Derek observed them, so badly wanting to be in the position of getting hugged. As tired as he was, Derek would talk to Penelope as soon as they were home.
They said their goodbyes to Carlos and headed home, only stopping at Penelope's preferred Chinese, for both of them were starving after a particularly long-drawn day.
Once at his place, they decided to have supper in the living room, together with a movie.
"Do you choose the film? I'll bring the cutlery and some drinks," Derek submitted, which caused Penelope to nod in agreement.
"Alright my Chocolate God of Thunder, your wish is my command," she replied, reaching out to give him a quick hug, but stopped immediately. "Uh...I'm sorry," she said quickly, putting a fake smile on her beautiful lips, colored in a deep red. She hastily turned around, busying herself, but Derek stopped her. He tenderly grabbed her hand with his much bigger palm.
"No, wait, Baby Girl," he said silently. Penelope stopped dead in her tracks.
"We have to hurry, or our food will get cold," she responded weakly. Derek wasn't a fool, he could hear how hard she was fighting back her tears. Slowly, Derek walked around her, to stand in front of her. Penelope didn't glance at him, but from his view, Derek flawlessly could see her red-rimmed eyes.
"I don't mind...Penelope, can you look at me for a moment?" Derek asked her mildly. He was nervous about telling her about his feelings, but Penelope deserved it. She was grieving the loss of contact with him, and Derek didn't want to see Penelope like this. All so slowly, Penelope tilted her head. Her sad eyes met his, and suddenly, Derek had to fight back his own tears.
"I'm so sorry, Penelope," he told her in a raspy voice. "Don't ever think I don't crave for you to touch me, Baby Girl," he began. Derek had to stop numerous times. Like always, he was struggling with all the emotions welling up inside him. Derek couldn't handle them all too well, but he managed to say what he wanted her to understand.
"I'm craving for your touch, but every time, you touch me, all of a sudden I feel so dirty, unworthy."
"Derek...,"
He smiled at her, carefully putting his index finger on her lips to stop Penelope from talking. Derek exactly knew what Penelope wanted to tell him, but first off, he needed to get rid of the things he wanted to say.
"My turn, Baby Girl. I don't know if I ever am able to tell you what I want to, so don't stop me."
Penelope nodded and then listened attentively to Derek's words.
"I talked to your brother about it, and he gave me some pieces of advice to make it better again. I don't want to feel this way. Honestly, I want you as nearby as imaginable when you're around. I feel so sorry for not being able to give you what you want, what you deserve. Carlos told me there is one thing I can do. He said I should touch you at least three times a day, fully aware of what I'm doing. And I want to try this. But I have to beg you, if I'm struggling with another nightmare or flashback can you just reach out to touch me, when I tell you I'm ready? I know it's troublesome, but it's essential for me."
Derek knew he was provoking her so much trouble, but like he'd assumed, Penelope agreed immediately.
"Sure Handsome, like I said earlier, your wish is my command. Anything I can do for you, I will."
Derek, smiling in relieve inhaled a deep breath.
"Alright. I know I'm telling you that so often, but thank you, Baby Girl. You can't imagine how grateful I am to have you at my side. You keep me going."
Penelope smiled at him, apparently relieved too.
"You, my beloved handsome man, are unquestionably welcome. I'm glad you told me about your feelings. I thought I did some wrong. Now I know what's going on in that beautiful head of yours, and that makes me feel a lot better. So, thank you, Hot Stuff, thank you very much."
Derek tenderly smiled, feeling like a huge rock had been lifted from his shoulders.
"Hey, let's make step number one for today, alright?" He asked her, still holding her delicate hand in his. Penelope giggled a little and nodded.
"You don't have to ask me twice, Handsome!" She said all smiles. Derek took a step closer and brought the love of his life in his firm, muscular arms, giving her a big bear hug. Penelope melted into his embrace but didn't put her arms around him. Derek smiled a little, inhaling her favorite jasmine perfume.
"Can you put your arms around me too, princess?" He asked her after a few more moments. Derek had to be entirely confident he could bear her touch.
"I thought you would never ask." Penelope tenderly wrapped her arms around his waist, snuggling as close to him as possible. Derek found himself enjoying her closeness, just like he was pleading for. Tilting his head a little, he planted a ginger kiss on her forehead.
They stood there several moments longer until they pulled apart, looking at each other lovingly. Derek brought his hand to Penelope's cheek, caressed her tenderly all the while he watched her beaming at him.
"Thank you, Baby Girl," he murmured, but Penelope snorted in amusement.
"I have to thank you, Hot Stuff, that was just what I needed, I'm looking forward to part two and three," she said winking at him. Derek chuckled, for the first time in a long while feeling genuinely amused.
"Let's go, watch that movie and eat, Silly Girl. I'm starving!"
"Alright, Handsome!"
They headed to the living room, where they ate their dinner in a comfortable silence. Derek realized how much better he felt today. Today he felt like he'd took a big step forward, Derek finally saw the work he'd done so far. Actually, he felt hopeful that things would get better again.
After dinner, he laid down on the couch. A moment later he invited Penelope in his arms, which she happily accepted. Delicately placing her head on his chest, she carefully wrapped her arms around his waist as soon as he asked her too. Derek cradled her gorgeous body to his and covered them with a woolen blanket he always had around. Surrounded by Penelope's scent and comfortable warmth, he felt himself relaxing more and more. Having the sole owner of his heart in his arms made Derek feel so much better. Touching her was so easy if he was entirely aware of it. Derek hadn't thought it would be that way. Derek was quite satisfied with himself for the first time in a long row. But once again, he was grateful for having Penelope and her brother in his life.