A/N: Hey! So, the new chapter is here :) Exciting (?) fact: this fic is the first time I've written yelling in capital letters. Thought it fitted, even though I usually just write cursive. But James is supposed to be really roaring and JKR does it so… So yes, those are things I think about.

Chapter 10

In Which Everything Falls Apart

Harry

Harry stared out the window in just pure shock. He wasn't supposed to be there. He was supposed to be staying away and not standing outside the window and he definitely wasn't supposed to be marching up to the house angrily.

"Shit!" Harry shouted and managed to tear his eyes away from the view of the empty front of the house.

Snape just looked shocked. He had jumped away from Harry and was staring at the door, listening for the first signs of trouble, and yes, trouble was approaching fast.

"You have to get out of here", Harry said, slightly panicked. "He's going to fucking kill you. Apparate, for fuck's sake, Apparate!"

But it was too late, his dad was already through the door, his mum and Alice following after him, they too starting to realise that something was wrong.

"James?" his mum had the mind to start to say, but she was interrupted by his dad's roar.

"YOU FUCKING PERVERT!"

"James!" his mother shouted and looked over at Alice, who was hesitating in the door. Risk getting yelled at or run off to her room and miss all the fun? She decided to disappear out the door, but Harry didn't doubt that she would stay close and listen in.

"Lily, he was- he was", his dad spluttered angrily and whipped his wand out. "He was forcing himself on him!"

"What?" Lily asked loudly, while Harry was just trying to get his hyperventilating under control. "What are you on about?"

"No one was forcing themselves on anyone!" Harry shouted in panic and reached his hands out to try to calm his father down.

"Please tell me what's going on!" his mum said and they all looked at her.

"They were kissing! I saw them through the- through the-!" he started and waved his wand threateningly.

"What?" his mum asked incredulously. "Severus?"

Snape shifted. "I'm sorry", he tried, like he thought that was the right thing to say, but wasn't sure. It wasn't the right thing to say, Harry thought and managed to calm down his breathing. They hadn't done anything wrong, they weren't supposed to say they were sorry! It was his dad that had decided to make a big deal out of it!

"Dad, would you point your wand somewhere else?" he said, and his dad looked over at him.

"Harry, for Merlin's sake... How could you do something like this? With him?" he shouted angrily and Harry went on the defensive again.

"Why not? I can take care of myself! And what is so fucking wrong with him!" Harry shouted back and tried very hard to keep from taking a few threatening steps forward.

"'What's wrong with him'? 'What's wrong with him'? Are you crazy, Harry?" he roared, but seemed to realise that he wasn't going to curse anyone soon.

"Hey, everyone stop with the cursing!" his mum said sharply and looked at all of them sternly. "Now, I think Severus ought to be heading home now and-"

"No! Fuck no! He will stay and get what's coming to him! He was-!"

"Dad! He wasn't doing anything! We were kissing, and you're making too big a deal of it!" he said while his dad just looked like he was going to have a seizure.

"Please, James, calm down", his mum said and placed a hand on her husbands arm, succeeding to make him lower his wand.

"Harry, how could you?" his dad said, seriously now, and Harry let his face get emotionless.

"I'm sorry you're disappointed, but I really don't give a shit", Harry said harshly. He hadn't meant that.

"He's a bloody Death Eater!" his dad said and Harry snorted.

"Dad, just because you don't like this doesn't mean you can just make stuff up", Harry said and his dad's expression changed.

"He hasn't told you?" he asked and looked over at Snape, who was looking back with a hard expression.

"Told me what?" Harry asked and hesitated slightly. Was it possible that he wasn't lying?

"You haven't told him?" he asked Snape and took a step forward. "Show him", he demanded and Harry fought the urge to jump between them. Snape could take care of himself.

"James", his mother bit out warningly, but his dad didn't stop. He grabbed the sleeve of Snape's shirt and pulled it up.

"Dad, I've seen his arm, I would know if-"

Harry was interrupted by his dad's revealing spell. And he watched as the Dark Mark slowly became visible on Snape's pale underarm.

"Harry", Snape said hesitantly as he pulled his arm away. "Harry?"

Harry looked over at his mum, who was watching his expression carefully. She must have known. And yet she'd let him into their house.

And yet Harry'd had sex with him. Harry had kissed him and... God, he had been in love with him. He was in love with him now too, when he stood there, pulling his sleeve down awkwardly over his Dark Mark. The sign that he had once obeyed Voldemort.

"Harry, do you see what he is now? Do you-" his dad began.

Harry interrupted him by shaking his head and took a step back as his mum tried to reach out for him.

He couldn't stay there, in that stuffy little kitchen, along with the three people he really didn't want to see right then. So he ran. He ran out the door and then he Apparated, and if someone shouted after him or tried to follow, he didn't notice it.

He appeared in London, in the street outside the Leaky Cauldron. He leaned against the wall of the scruffy building and breathed loudly.

That's what he did the following days. He ran from everything, just hid. He stayed at friends' houses, friends he knew but no one in his family could reach. He needed to think.

He felt like an idiot. People had known, his parents had known, but not him. Hermione had known who he was, she might have known too. So just why hadn't Harry known? He worked with Death Eaters, he caught them, saw to it that they got a trial and a punishment. Why hadn't he come across Severus Snape?

When Harry thought about some of the things those people had done he felt disgusted, dirty. Torture, rape, murder. What if Snape had done things like that? It made Harry want to... He didn't know what he wanted to. Hurt people maybe. Hurt Snape, hurt himself, hurt his parents. Just hurt, because he was hurting.

It wasn't like he had expected that thing they had, whatever it was, to last forever, but it was still a shitty feeling. He had sort of loved him, even though he had told himself it was just sex and an occasional dinner now and then.

He stayed away for about a week and a half and then came the day when none of his friends wanted to let him stay any longer and he found himself back home again.

Alice was home alone, and she rushed to the door as soon as she heard the rustle of the key. Harry looked at her tiredly and she gave him a silent hug. He loved her a lot right then.

"Mum and dad have been so worried. They didn't know where you were", she said and didn't let go of her tight grip around his waist.

"That was the point, Alice."

"They flooed all your friends. They didn't know where you were either. I didn't know where you were", she said quietly and Harry put a hand on her hair.

"Sorry", he mumbled and she finally let go and instead looked up at him sternly.

"You should be", she said and Harry couldn't help but laugh.

Harry took a step past her into the house, and she followed suit.

"I'm just going to get my stuff and then I'll sleep in my flat", he said as they both scurried up the stairs, trying to reach the attic.

"They went a little crazy after you left", she said as she climbed behind him up the attic stairway. "Dad kicked that Snape guy out, but mum wanted him to stay, but in the end he left anyway."

Harry cringed at his name, and he wondered if she was sharp enough to catch it.

"You did like him, didn't you?" she asked. Of course she was sharp enough.

"Yeah", Harry said, because he saw no point in lying. "But I was wrong about him."

"Why?" she asked and Harry stopped throwing his stuff into a bag and looked over at her.

"He was... bad", he said and she frowned.

"I thought you liked bad?" she asked and Harry snorted.

"That is really inappropriate for you to know."

"Answer the question, Rabbit", she said and Harry sighed.

"Yeah. I like bad. But not... He was a Death Eater", Harry settled with. "I like people who are bad on the outside. You have to try a little harder to get to know them, and it's usually worth your while."

"So you only like people because of their outside?"

"You know that wasn't what I said. I mean, there's two sorts of bad. There's bad as in ooh, he drives a motorbike and wears clothes with rivets on them and he's slightly misunderstood, and then there's the sort of bad that's... evil", Harry said and then, when she didn't answer, he went back to packing.

"Aren't you gonna stay and talk to mum and dad?" she asked and Harry determinedly glared down at his socks casually thrown into the bag.

"I guess I am", he said shortly. That was not going to be fun, but he couldn't leave Alice to explain this.

"They talked after you left. He doesn't seem evil. He just seems... Dunno", she said and leaned against Harry's bed.

"Look, Alice, I need to lie down for a while", Harry said and she put on a sceptical face.

"You're not that old", she said and crossed her arms.

Harry shrugged and then fell on the bed, not caring if she left or not. "Just tell mum and dad I'm up here when they come home."

After a few seconds she left and Harry slowly drifted off to sleep, even though he had just intended to lie and think for a while.

He woke up hours later to the sound of quiet mumbling. His mum was stroking his hair and she sounded angry.

"This is your fault you know", she hissed and Harry was just about to sit up and argue when his dad answered and he understood that she wasn't talking to him.

"I only told him the truth, it was that arse who lied to him", he said, his voice somewhere at the end of Harry's bed.

"He is nothing of the sort and you know that. I admit, he might not have been the one I had in mind for my son, but it's still Harry's decision and his alone. And you saying those things have nothing to do with telling the truth, it has to do with all that animosity between you two. Which I don't understand, by the way", his mum rabbled quickly, like she usually did when she was very, very angry.

"Lily, just listen to me!" his dad said loudly and Harry understood that after that outburst it was impossible for him to fake sleep anymore.

He shrugged his mum's hand off and sat up, and they both looked at him quietly.

"So. You gonna yell at me or...?" he asked after a few seconds of silence.

His mum hugged him tightly. "Where the hell have you been?" she asked and Harry shook his head.

"I stayed at some friends'", Harry said and then got the expected answer.

"What friends?" she asked and pulled away to bore her eyes into Harry's.

"Just friends. You don't know them", Harry said and she seemed to realise that they weren't going to get another answer. "I know I should have told you where I was. Sorry", he continued quietly, but meeting their eyes. He wasn't ashamed of this, but he knew it would be worse if he didn't apologise.

"You didn't sleep at his house then?" his dad asked and Harry shook his head.

"No", he gritted out and his dad uncrossed his arms when he heard how hard his voice was.

"Harry..." his mum started and Harry could just picture all the compassionate things she was going to say.

"I don't wanna talk about it", he said and his parents looked at each other.

"You need to talk about it", she said. "You need to talk to Severus, as well."

"Why should I talk to him?" Harry asked. "He lied to me. He's a fucking-"

"No swearing", his mum interrupted. "And maybe so, but I still think that you should give him a chance to explain himself."

"Yeah, well, what you think doesn't come into the equation", Harry shot back at her and she closed her mouth.

"All right then", she said shortly and looked at her husband.

Harry's dad had a strange expression on his face, a mix of glee and sadness. He seemed more pleased than sorry though, and Harry looked away from him. Yeah, of course he would be happy, his enemy exposed as a liar and a Death Eater. Real fun.

"Just let me sleep for a while. I'll get out of here tomorrow. My flat's almost fixed and I can sleep there", he said and his mum hesitated before nodding.

"All right", his dad said, and then they were gone out the door again.

/

Summer turned into a grey and cold autumn and Harry lived on, if you could call it that. It was boring and tedious.

The days and weeks and months were unusually usual. Harry slept, went to work, ate and slept. He just tried to get it out of his head with routines. People around him seemed worried, but Harry didn't see why they had to be. Harry was fine.

His friends reacted pretty much like his parents had. They were angry at him for disappearing and happy that he'd come back. They understood that he just wanted to put it past him and they were kind enough to pretend like nothing had happened.

One day a letter arrived from Severus Snape, but Harry ignored it. It just said Harry's name on the outside, but Harry knew it was from him anyway. It was delivered by his owl and the writing was spindly and elegant like his. He let it lie on his kitchen counter for days before before he torched it with an 'Incendio'.

He didn't try to contact Harry again.

He visited his family now and again and on Christmas he stayed over at their house. He avoided the upstairs bathroom, because it reminded him so much of him. All those memories of his childhood were now overshadowed by that memory that had been so good and then so dirty.

It was awful, seeing little details hidden everywhere, ready to jump out and make him freeze and remember that different time where his life had been pleasantly free from greyness and just filled with guiltless fun and pleasure.

His mum seemed like she wanted to talk serious with him, and one night she did, the night before Christmas Eve. Harry had sat up late, trying to finish a report, and she snuck up behind him, with a silent, "Hey there."

"Merlin, mum. You scared me", Harry said as his mum looked over his shoulder at what he was writing on and then turned to the counter.

"I couldn't sleep", she said with a small smile. "Do you remember when you were little, when you'd had a bad dream? I used to make you warm milk."

"I remember", Harry mumbled, dreading what this conversation would turn into.

Surprisingly it didn't turn into anything. His mum just warmed milk for the two of them and when she brushed past him, putting the cup down, she simply said, "He's not a bad man. He's just made some bad choices", and then she was gone up the stairs again. Harry stared at the milk for a good long while until he couldn't take it anymore and swallowed everything in one gulp.

/

"Dad, I don't want to", Harry said and ran a hand through his hair tiredly.

"Oh, come on Harry", he urged and held the door to the cellar open, with that annoying fucking grin on his face.

"Fine. Fucking fine", Harry grumbled and pushed past him down the stairs, hitting the light switch hard as he passed it.

Harry sat down on the chair in the far corner, the one by the table, next to the trophy cabinet. He held the broom in his hand, the one his dad had gotten him for Christmas, and weighed it carefully. It was the new Nimbus, he'd seen them in the shop windows in Diagon Alley. He hadn't asked for it, and it felt unnecessary that his dad had forced him down in the cellar to prep it for use like this.

"All right, remember this?" his dad asked and started taking out the supplies. Polishing stuff, a rag, some potions that you rubbed on different places on it to make it hold better and fly faster.

"I remember", Harry mumbled and dipped his rag in some yellow goo. He let it drip a little on the middle of his broom and then started to rub at it.

"Great", his dad said and Harry knew his grin hadn't diminished, even though he didn't look up. He started preparing the leather on a Quaffle, while looking at the trophies on the shelves. About half of them were Harry's and half were his dad's.

"Hand me the..." Harry said and pointed to the other container. His dad handed him the bottle and Harry took a slab of it into his hand and kneaded it into the bristles at the end.

"Do you remember that one?" he asked with a small laugh, while pointing at one of the trophies, a tall, golden one.

"Yeah, dad", Harry said sharply and his hand tightened around the broom handle. He still hadn't forgiven his dad for breaking the news that roughly, and every little annoying thing he did reminded him of it.

"You really brought those Chasers down! And the look on their Seeker's face!" his dad said, trying to be cheery.

"I know, dad", Harry said and looked up. "I was there. I did that. Not you. I'm sure it may seem like something you did, but it's not. I'm not an extension of you", Harry growled and his fist was clenched hard around the cloth of the rag.

"Harry..." his dad said, beginning on warning.

"It's always like this", Harry said sharply. "You always act like we're the same person. Unless I'm off fucking your old pals, then-"

"Harry, you can't talk to me like that", he said and Harry growled angrily.

"No!" he shouted, and if he was more of a girl, he knew he would have been sobbing by now. He had kept that bottled up for so long. "I bloody hate it when you do that!"

Harry'd stood up and was now towering over the trophy cabinet. He raised his wand and the glass crackled and then disappeared. Harry picked one up and then smashed it against the wall, making his dad flinch back. It just bounced off the wall and was hardly dented.

"Take it easy", his dad shouted, and reached out for Harry. Harry tried to shrug him off, but didn't succeed.

His arms came up around him and held him tight to his chest until he'd stopped struggling.

"Hey, hey...", he said gently and Harry leaned into the hug. "Harry..."

Harry relaxed and his dad moved his arms to a more comfortable position.

"Aw, kid", he said and Harry broke away from him, but not angrily. He had gotten that out of his system now. "I'm sorry", he said, and Harry nodded. It wasn't often his dad apologised.

"Just... I'm sorry too, I didn't mean all of that", he mumbled and his dad patted his shoulder.

"Sure. Sure..." he said, his brows furrowing together in worry. Oh, not his dad too. He had been pretending everything was fine, like it was just like before. A part of Harry had been glad and a part of him had hated it.

"I... I loved him, dad. I do love him", Harry mumbled and his dad nodded, and the best way Harry could describe it was bravely.

"All right", he said, and his expression was only a little stiff.

"And I... I can't..." Harry looked down and sniffled. "He lied to me, but I still want him. Is that, am I-?"

"Sit down, Harry. Tell me about it."

Those words were so familiar. His dad used to say that every time Harry was upset or had done something wrong. 'Sit down, Harry, and tell me about it.'

Harry did and his dad pulled up another chair.

"It was fun. I practically lived in his flat. I liked it", Harry said, and his dad nodded, and listened. "It wasn't like other people I've gone out with, it was different. I liked... I like talking to him. He listens to me, he knows what I'm talking about. He's interesting. He's nice, when he wants to be."

"Yeah. Your mother keeps telling me so", he said with a small smile.

"He didn't tell me that he used to be a... a..." Harry couldn't say it, but his dad got the gist of it.

"I guess it's hard for him. He hasn't had it easy, and some of that crap was my fault. I was a bit of a jerk when I was younger, lucky your mum straightened me out. It still comes out sometimes, and I'm so sorry, Harry. I shouldn't have shouted at you."

Harry managed a smile. "That's okay. But I just don't get that, how you can just decide to go join up with him", he continued seriously.

"That's something you ought to talk to him about", he said, and patted Harry's shoulder again.

"That's what everyone keeps telling me", Harry grumbled.

"I know it must be tough, but don't run off, kid. Muster up some courage. After all, you are a Gryffindor."

"Yeah, yeah", Harry grumbled, and pulled a hand over his eyes in a tired gesture.

"And I can't come. You'll have to do this on your own", he said and Harry scrunched his face up.

"I know", he said and then turned to start to clear up the mess of the overturned trophies with his dad jumping to help him.

/

A/N: Yes, James isn't just a dick (not all the time). He really took a turn in this chapter… What did you think?

Do you hate me? Or not?