A/N: I apologize for the delay, real life has been rough. This chapter went a little differently than I'd originally planned but apparently Edward and Bella needed to have a little heart to heart. I hope you enjoy it and that it was worth the wait.
Disclaimer: I don't own it. Stephenie Meyer does. I just like to place her characters into the stories in my head.
~~Edward~~
I'm in love.
Utterly, irrevocably, stupidly in love.
Yeah, I've loved her from the moment I laid eyes on her back in March, but now…God, now I can't breathe without her.
The last six weeks with Bella have been pure heaven and utter hell.
It took me a little while to perfect my plan. The plan that would help ensconce Lilly and I into Bella's life, without pushing her away in the process. Alice and Rose were not happy with me when it took a week to put everything into motion. Bella was shutting herself off, avoiding everyone around her. Jasper had warned me it could happen and I begged the girls to leave Bella alone; they didn't need to push her farther than she already had been.
When my schedule at work changed slightly I knew it was the perfect opportunity for me. I knew my family would never admit that Lilly and I were becoming a burden, but I also knew they wouldn't object to a change in our arrangement either.
That first morning solidified how I felt about Bella. It had been a week since I'd laid eyes on her and the effect she had on me was undeniable. Being in her presence again was like coming home. I was giddy and happier than I've ever been. This woman has turned me into a fucking girl, but I don't even care.
I didn't want to leave her. I just wanted the three of us to stay locked in that tiny motel room and be the family we are supposed to be, but I knew I couldn't push her yet.
I couldn't help but pull her into my arms before walking out the door. Her body fit perfectly in mine and her scent enveloped me. I shouldn't have kissed her hair before I let go but I no longer had control over my body. My heart stayed with Bella that day and I've yet to get it back; I don't want it back. It's hers for as long as she wants it.
My colleagues at work have been casting strange looks my way ever since this arrangement started with Bella. I'm sure it has to do with the shit eating grin I have on my face every morning, but frankly I don't care what they think of me. Dr. Dimitri Sawyer asked where I 'picked up the chick that put that look on my face' because according to him only a man that has been 'properly fucked' could be that happy. Yeah, it took every ounce of my resistance to keep from ripping the fuckers head off. No one talks about my Bella that way.
Kate is still insistent about us getting together but says she's happy about whatever has put the smile on my face; if she knew it was because of Bella I'm not so sure she'd feel the same.
Kate's persistence is a little off-putting but she's at least sweet about it. Lauren and Irina on the other hand have made it their life's mission to capitalize on my happy demeanor. I've had to make a point to keep my interactions with them to a minimum; they seem to think my being happy is a signal that I'd like them to blow me in the supply closet. Um, no thank you. Jane is helping to run interference, I can only hope that they will get tired of the chase soon and leave me alone.
I've asked Rose to take Lilly tonight. It's been six weeks and I just can't wait anymore, so tonight I'm going to take dinner to Bella and ask her to make our arrangement even more permanent. We've developed a fairly solid friendship so I'm hoping she'll accept my offer to move in with Lilly and I. I don't want her to think I'm only asking because of Lilly, but I also don't want to pressure her by showing too many of my feelings either.
I know it's too soon for Bella. I'm pretty sure I've been pushing my boundaries with her as it is. The kisses to her hair and forehead are a necessity for me; if I don't do that then I'm going to jump the poor girl and I definitely will lose her for good. No, I need her to know how much I value her friendship and how much Lilly loves her. Once I have her in my home and we start building a family routine, then I'll sit her down and tell her how I feel. I just can't put it off anymore. I can only hope that I'm not pushing her faster than she's willing to go.
It may be cheating but I've told my father he can put me back on a normal schedule in two weeks; meaning I'll be back in the overnight and weekend rotations. It gives me an excuse to have Bella in my home and I know she'd do anything to keep Lilly happy. I'm a bastard for using my daughter that way, but I also know from my conversations with Bella, that she would resist moving in with me without a valid need for her to do so. Telling her that I can't breathe without her near me anymore would more than likely push her away, so I'm creating a reason that revolves around Lilly.
You're manipulating her! How is that okay?
I am not! Okay, well maybe a little, but my schedule really would have changed back to normal in the next few months; I'm just moving the timetable up a bit.
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Oh, shut the hell up. God damn internal voice. Drives me up the fucking wall.
I took the opportunity on my lunch break to text Bella about the change in plans for this evening.
Bella, Rose and Em are gonna take Lilly tonight. Wanted to let you know –E
A few minutes later I get a response.
Oh, well, okay. I guess I'll see you tomorrow then. ~B
I can tell she's disappointed; she always is when Lilly stays with the family. Part of me really hopes it's because she misses me just as much as she misses Lilly.
I've decided that I'll surprise her with dinner tonight. I don't want her to feel like it's a date, so I'll just pick up something on my way and make it seem like just another normal night for us. I'm hoping that if we talk where she's most comfortable, then she won't feel pressured. With that thought in mind, I text her back with a vague 'see you soon' and continue on with my day.
~~~D~W~~~
My shift ended at 7, so I ran home and changed into jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt. Picked up Chinese from South North Gardens and headed to the motel.
To say I was eager to see Bella would be an understatement. This will be the first time we've been completely alone together. No interruptions from a fussy Lilly, no nosey sisters in the next room; completely alone.
Fuck, I'm nervous.
I find myself holding my breath as I knock on the door to room 217. I shouldn't be this anxious. I see Bella twice a day almost every day, this really isn't anything new, but this visit could mean the start of our life together. Bella may not know that that's what this is about, but I sure as hell do.
When the door opens I'm once again blown away by how beautiful she is. Bella is dressed more casually than I've ever seen her in yoga pants and a t-shirt with funky socks on her feet; her hair is pulled into a ponytail and her cheeks flush with the blush I love so much. She's stunningly adorable and I want to wrap her in my arms and never let go. Before I get the chance to do just that, she squeaks out a greeting.
"Edward? What are you doing here?"
"Well, since Rose took Lilly I figured we could have some dinner and talk," I said while holding up our dinner.
"Oh, well…okay, come on in then." She opened the door wider and led me into her room.
After settling down on the bed, we eat and talk about our days. Our conversation is comfortable as always and it gives me hope that Bella will be receptive to what I really came here to say.
"Um, Edward…can I ask you a question?"
"Of course you can. Bella, you can ask me anything, never be afraid to tell me what you're thinking." I hope she can hear the sincerity in my voice; I need her to feel safe talking to me about everything.
"Well, I was just wondering why you're here. Don't take that the wrong way, I love that you are, but usually when Lilly is with your family I don't see you either." Her blush returns and Bella seems to find fascination with the bedspread.
"Can I be completely honest?" She nods but keeps her face turned down. Needing her to see the truth in my words, I reach out and pull her chin up so our eyes lock.
"Bella, I love spending time with you. You have become one of my best friends; my day is not complete if I don't see you. The days Lilly goes to my family and we don't see each other, it feels like there is a part of me missing. I don't want you to think our relationship with each other revolves around Lilly. Please believe me when I tell you that if Lilly didn't exist and we met, I would still want to spend time with you." Well that was a little more heartfelt than I planned but I'm certainly not going to take it back.
"But…why…um," I watch her cheeks flush again as Bella struggles to compose her thoughts. With a deep breath she continues, "If that's true, then why have you been staying away when Lilly is with the others?" I can hear the hesitation to believe me in the tone of her voice.
"At first it was because I didn't want to push you. I didn't want to put you into an uncomfortable position. Bella I know your past makes you leery of people; I wanted you to know me before I just shoved my way into your life. After the first few weeks, I was pretty sure we'd developed a decent friendship; after that I don't have an excuse other than I was just a fucking coward."
I looked away then. This woman has disabled my verbal filter. Here I am spilling my heart out, admitting my vulnerability; next I'll be declaring my love, asking for her hand in marriage and begging for more babies. God I'm a fucking moron.
I felt her hand on mine and look up. "Edward, what do you mean by that?" Bella's eyes had a softness to them I'm not sure I've seen directed at me before. It's a look she always has for Lilly when they are rocking quietly, a look that always leaves me in awe; now it's directed at me and has stolen the breath from my lungs.
"I don't want to scare you away. I don't know what I'd do without you in my life. I was scared because I wanted you to know me, Edward - the man, rather than just, Edward - Lilly's father. I don't want you to think I'm like all the others in your life, I would never treat you the way they have, but I have no idea how to prove that to you. I was hoping to gain your trust without forcing my feelings on you, so I've held back. Only I couldn't hold back today, I wanted to see you, to talk to you about something important. Now though, I'm afraid I've said too much and you'll feel the need to keep me at a distance."
Fears I never thought I'd share with Bella have just forced their way out of my mouth. Why do I keep fucking this up? I can't bear to see the fear and apprehension in her eyes so I close my own and drop my head, fisting my hair in my hands, preparing for the devastation Bella's words are sure to inflict upon my soul.
"Edward?" I hear the tears in her voice and know I've ruined everything. The pain coursing through my chest threatens to bring tears to my own eyes. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to leave her, but will do whatever she asks of me.
"Edward, please look at me." Her voice is stronger this time and I look up, unable to deny her request. I'm shocked by the determination I see in her eyes. There is, as always, a hint of apprehension; however the normal fear is replaced with solid resolve and hope.
"I want you to listen to every word I'm about to speak and not question for one second that I have thought about this thoroughly." There is a tone to Bella's voice that I haven't heard before so I just nod and motion for her to continue.
"I have been hurt in the past, I've experienced things in my life I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy; you know all this. I've learned to protect myself by shutting out how my heart feels. When I moved here in January, my heart was in pieces; so much so, that I was certain it was far beyond repair. Then without warning, a tiny little angel burst into my life screaming at the top of her lungs. Over the next two months that angel and her family have pulled the pieces of my shattered heart together. They have smoothed over scars left by others, filled holes in my soul that I considered permanent. Fears have been eradicated; the voices of doubt and panic, ever present in my mind, have been silenced.
"I'd like to say its all been attributed to Lilly, but I'd be lying to myself and to you. It's you Edward that has healed me the most. You've proven to me that what I've experienced with Jake and Tyler is not indicative of all men; that my friendship and trust can be given without fear. You are my best friend, the best friend I've ever had in life, and I trust you with all that I am." Her tears were streaming and my heart was thumping. I didn't dare to hope that what she was saying meant so much more, held so much in regards to our future.
"Bella…" she holds up her hand to stop me.
"Please let me get this all out before I lose my nerve." I nod and she continues.
"Our conversations have brought so much of my past to the forefront and in those moments when I'm alone, I realize how much of my self has been closed off. I'm not fully healed, I know that. Your family, Lilly, and most of all you, have started the healing process; but I know I need professional help to really let go of the atrocities that have been inflicted upon me. That's why I called Jasper earlier and arranged sessions with him. I want to be healed Edward. I want to let people into my heart. Most of all, I want to let you in." Bella's breath hitches and I can't stay away any longer. I pull her into my lap and cradle her to my chest. Her arms wrap around me and her hands fist into the back of my shirt. While rubbing her back I try to soothe her fears, telling her that she'll never lose me. After a time, her sobs quiet and she relaxes her hold on me slightly before continuing.
"I don't want to live a life without you in it Edward. I fear that in saying that I will scare you off. You mean a great deal to me. I care for you more than I thought possible and while I know you will probably never have those same feelings for me, I can no longer keep them hidden. I'm so tired of being alone, I can't live life like I used to. I want all the things I never thought were possible for me; a family, happiness, and love. If I'm completely honest with myself, I only want those things with you, and I'm terrified. You have the potential to shatter my heart more than everyone else combined.
"You have unknowingly stolen my heart and left me vulnerable. I'm frightened more than I've ever been and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I considered leaving, moving away, in order to protect my heart; but how can I protect something that no longer belongs to me." Her tears have stopped and I'm left in stunned silence. Bella pulls away and straightens up before saying one last thing.
"I have no idea how you feel, I can only hope that you find a place in your life for me. If it's not possible then please tell me now because as much as it would hurt now, I know that if any more time is spent together, I will never survive the separation." I can see all the emotions swimming beneath her resolve. One wrong word from me and she will shatter. I can never let that happen. I'm desperate to have her in my arms again, but I want her to look into my eyes as I speak the words that will hopefully intertwine our futures.
"Bella…you have shocked me in the most amazing of ways. The things you've said, the feelings you've evoked; it's like you've said all the things I've longed to say since the first day I met you. I had resolved myself to play a role in your life in whatever manner you saw fit. From the very first day I've felt a deep seeded connection to you; I know you are meant to be a significant part of my life. Knowing your past I was certain that that would only be as a friend of the family and of Lilly. I never hoped to assume you'd want to open yourself to me, to want me.
"I will be in your life for as long as you want me, in whatever role that may be. As for my feelings, you are the only woman I can ever envision wanting. I want out of life what you want; a family, happiness, and a love so pure it almost hurts. You are that for me Bella. It hurts to be away from you. When I think about you no longer in my life, or you pushing me away; the pain I experience is almost crippling. This may sound ridiculous and I know you may not be ready for a romantic relationship, but I'll wait for you as long as I need to." Her tears have returned and my own are threatening to spill as well but I can't stop the flood now.
"When I dream of a girlfriend, wife, mother to my children; the woman I picture is you. This is not a conversation I envisioned for today, but I'm not sorry it's come about. I want you to know I'll never be anything but honest with you, and because of that I think you should know that I've fallen for you. I'm in love with you Isabella Marie Swan, and there will never be anyone else." The look of utter shock on her face is undeniable. I may have gone too far but my heart ambushed my verbal filter and I no longer have control. I fear I've fucked things up, but before I can salvage what I've done, Bella crashes into me; once again sobbing uncontrollably.
"Y-y-you…l-love…me?" she managed to choke out through her tears.
"Irrevocably so."
"Wh-why?" I pull back in order to see her face and wipe away her tears.
"Bella, you are the strongest, most loving, and most beautiful woman I have ever met. Despite all you've been through, you've opened your heart to Lilly, to my family, to me. I want to protect your heart and keep it safe. I want you to feel safe and at home with me, the same way I feel with you. You are the missing piece of my soul, Bella. The piece I never knew was missing until you stepped foot into Rosalie's living room that day. You've left an indelible mark on my heart and it belongs to you now, if you'll have it." Is it possible that I haven't fucked with both our lives?
"My heart has belonged to both you and Lilly from the beginning, Edward. I just wasn't willing to acknowledge that for a while. I've never felt as safe as I do with you. When you hug me, I feel like I'm home. I never knew that what I had with Jake and Tyler wasn't love, not even close, until I met you." Bella took a deep breath in and uttered the words that have forever changed my life.
"I love you too, Edward."
Unable to stop myself, I cupped Bella's face in my hands and did what I've been longing to do from the moment I first saw her.
The moment our lips met, my world became whole. Our hearts are no longer our own; mine is hers and hers is mine. There is no going back from here. Our lives are now dependent on each other and nothing could have made me happier.
The kiss was chaste, but at the same time the most amazing kiss I'd ever experienced. I broke away and buried my face in her neck, breathing her in, hoping to contain the sobs of joy threatening to break free.
We clung to each other for an indeterminate amount of time. Bella was the first to break the silence.
"Where do we go from here?" Her voice was hushed, reluctant to disturb the peace surrounding us.
"Wherever you want it to go; I won't push you Bella. I know you've been hurt by relationships in the past, so I want to make sure you're comfortable with how things progress."
"That statement is one of the reasons why I love you so much, and believe me when I say I'll let you know if things are going too far or too fast, but can you tell me what you want? I need you to be in this with me, Edward, I can't do it all on my own and I don't want to fall into a place where I'm constantly questioning if what I'm doing is right for you as well." Bella's voice was firm and determined, telling me that she wanted a partnership and not to be coddled.
"Ideally, I want you to be my girlfriend. I want to take you on dates, get to know you even better than I already do, kiss you whenever I want to. I want to do everyday things; grocery shopping, walking on the beach, dinners with my family. I want to hold your hand, share your life, introduce you as my girlfriend to others; I want to love you unconditionally. I want you to want those things with me." Please let me love you…forever.
"I want nothing more that to claim you as my boyfriend, Edward. I want the simple things in life with you, too. Relationships aren't easy for me, but I want to figure out my life from here on out with you in it. I want to love you and be loved. I want to spend my time with you and with Lilly. There is nothing you've said that I find fault with…" I heard a quiet sigh and knew there was more to her statement.
"I hear a 'but' in there Bella. Please don't hold back, you can tell me anything you're afraid of or any concerns you many have. Your comfort and happiness is my priority."
"This is hard for me, but…um…you didn't say anything about the physical side of things other than kissing; and well, I need to know where you stand on that." That blush I love so much flooded her face as she spoke and I know how hard it was for her to broach the subject.
"Bella that is one area I will never pressure you about. When you're ready I want to show you how you deserve to be cherished, how beautiful it can be to make love to someone. I've had sex with a couple of women, but I've never made love. You would be the only one I'll share that with. And even though making love isn't something I've experienced before I know that what Tyler put you through couldn't even be called sex. I'm more than content with kissing you and holding you close until you're ready for more, regardless of how long that may be."
"I don't want to hold you back, make you regret your decision to be with me," she said with a voice so timid it hurt me to hear.
"Sweetheart, nothing could ever make me regret being with you. There are ways to show intimacy with one another that have nothing to do with sex. Do I want to make love with you? God, yes, but not until you are ready."
Before I could blink Bella was in my arms, just like she should always be.
"Thank you," was whispered into my neck.
"Oh, love, what are you thanking me for?"
"For loving me. I never really knew how alone I was until I met you. I don't think I can ever let you go now."
"You never have to Bella, you never have to. I don't plan on ever letting you go. You're stuck with me."
~~~D~W~~~
We sat there wrapped up in each other for so long that I thought perhaps Bella had fallen asleep until she broke the silence between us.
"So as my boyfriend, do you think you could help me find a more suitable place to live?" she asked quietly.
"Actually, that's kind of what I came here originally to discuss with you." I wonder if this will be too awkward now. I mean we only declared ourselves to one another less than an hour ago.
"Really?"
"Yeah, but I'm worried that it will be too weird now." I sighed.
"Can you just tell me and let me decide that?" I can already tell I'll never get away with anything around Bella.
"Okay. Well my schedule at the hospital is changing again in two weeks. I'll be put back into the regular rotation, meaning that I'll be getting some evening and weekend shifts back. I've been thinking about this for a while so I don't want you to think that I'm asking this just as a spur of the moment sort of thing. But I also don't want you to think I'm only asking you because of Lilly or that I only want you as the help…" I'm rambling. I knew this would be awkward.
"Edward, please, just spit it out already." I could hear the amusement in her voice.
"Okay, well I was going to ask if you'd perhaps move in with me. Lilly adores you and now that she's getting older, I really want her to keep to a routine and sleep in her own home rather than go from place to place all the time. But I don't want to call you the nanny either, because then I'd have to pay you and that's just wrong since you're my girlfriend. I just…" Bella stopped my incessant rambling with her lips. I was shocked but won't deny it was the best interruption I've ever received.
"Edward, shut up. I actually think it's a wonderful idea. It's not really different from the arrangement we have now, except that I'll be in your home, and you don't pay me now so that's not anything new. I'd love to have access to a kitchen again and I think it would help us develop our relationship more; um…just as long as I can have my own bedroom, for now at least." Bella's eyes sparkled with excitement and I couldn't help but place another kiss upon her delicate lips.
"Of course you'd have your own bedroom. You even have your own bathroom. I don't expect you to do all the housework or anything like that; I don't expect you to be my maid. I just want you to be comfortable, be my girlfriend, and be a mother to Lilly. That's what you are you know, Lilly's mom." I don't think I've ever seen such an amazing smile grace Bella's beautiful face, as I did when I called her Lilly's mom.
"Do you really think that? That I'm like her mother?" Her words were choked but I could tell how much the sentiment meant to her.
"Yes, sweetheart, I do. You are and will always be the only mother Lilly will ever know." Bella's tears began again and I worried that I said too much.
"I'm sorry, love, I didn't mean to make you cry."
"No, no, these are happy tears. I love you so much Edward. I can't even express how much that means to me."
"I love you too, baby. More than you'll ever know."
~~~D~W~~~
It was hard to leave Bella that night. We must have stood in the doorway for a good thirty minutes holding one another and whispering I love you's.
Bella would be moving in with Lilly and I at the end of the week. Together we decided that we wouldn't tell the family until she was settled, then we would invite them over for dinner and let everyone know at the same time. She does want to meet my parents first though. I can understand her hesitation to meet them on the night I tell them she's living with me, but I already know they are going to love her. So Wednesday night we are all getting together at my place, then she can meet the parents and see the house.
If you had told me that I'd go to Bella's today and come away with the love of my life, I would have laughed in your face. I was certain she wasn't ready, that maybe she never would be, but Bella proved me wrong.
Her strength was proven when Bella admitted she needed help. I know that Jasper is going to tell her that eventually she'll need to face her demons and get closure. I know that together we'll have issues to deal with, but that's just it; we'll face them together. I'm never letting her go.
I wasn't lying when I said she was Lilly's mother. She is and always will be. My next task is to track down Tanya and serve her with termination of parental rights papers. That way, when the time comes, Bella can officially and legally be the only mother Lilly will ever have.
The next day during my first break at work I made a call to set everything in motion.
"This is Jenks."
"Hello, this is Edward Cullen. I was given your information by my brother, Emmett Cullen."
"Ah, yes, and how can I help the Chief's brother?"
"I need you to find someone for me."
A/N: I hadn't planned on the I love you's just yet, but Bella didn't want to wait apparently. It was coming soon, this just helps us get into the ExB togetherness sooner. Still not sure if there will be any full grown lemons, maybe just some juice or a wedge; we'll see how it all comes out. Bella may surprise me again.
Until next time :)