Thinking

Akashi smiled as he saw the powder-blue haired male in front of him on the grassy field. He put out his hand and yelled...He hadn't intended to but his voice came out louder and cleared than he had expected.

"Tetsuya!"

Kuroko was smiling back at him, reaching out...And then the image shattered. Kuroko wasn't gone yet...

Akashi could see the other disappearing from right in front of him, he tried to grab Kuroko's sleeve, arm, anything! His hand just didn't reach it, no matter how much he tried, all resistance it met was the air, only it felt more like water. He shouted his name over and over, But the other didn't react, just kept slowly dissolving his eyes open and body unmoving. He wasn't even breathing.

"TETSUYA! Wake up!"

Akashi finally managed to get into physical contact, and Kuroko turned back solid...But then they were suddenly falling, and Kuroko was still stiff and cold as ice... He didn't even know where he was...It was all black...

But Kuroko wasn't dead. He couldn't be.

He stroked Kuroko's cheek lovingly and a single tear rolled down on it. They were still falling.

Now he couldn't breathe, he couldn't see or hear, his mind was slowly getting foggy, his voice was silent when he tried to cry out Kuroko's name. Or was it just him only who couldn't hear it?

And then there was nothing.

He couldn't say how long it was...because it was nothing...There was not even any time. Was that how it was like to be dead? Was that how Kuroko had it?

When everything returned at once...It was all too much, he screamed in agony at his senses and his mind, so awake. How had Kuroko endured this? Speaking of him where was he?

Akashi was not done with screaming . it all got louder and louder, he couldn't hear anything else, he couldn't concentrate on his surroundings...Then there was a voice, not exactly Kuroko´s more like how you would imagine higher powers speaking down to you...:

"You have not made your decision yet"

Akashi woke up sweaty, panting and having a sore throat. Apparently he had been screaming in his sleep. Not like anyone had heard, he lived alone after all, and he had been quite happy with how soundproof the apartment was.

It was a nightmare. A normal nightmare.

But it was the first in nearly 4 years...He hadn't had a single one since he met Kuroko. And this one ironically was about Kuroko. The memory was fading away, he couldn't remember details, he couldn't remember the feeling of not feeling anything - that he had before thought himself so accomplished in. But what he did remember was the - both rational and irrational - fear he had felt, and those last words...

He was sure it was Kuroko. Telling him that he had to make a decision by himself - a proper, and final one - before they would meet again. If they would.

Akashi could just let it go, and forget, go on with his life and fall in love again. But no, he couldn't. He had been too focused on his dreams in those last years that they had started to feel like reality and the real word was the dream. He had distanced himself from pretty much everything. Besides it in that moment felt like he could never love anyone except Kuroko. It might be true, it might not. He would know. Or then he wouldn't. It depended on what he chose to do in the very last place.

He had to see Kuroko again no matter what the cost, even if only once...Otherwise there was not a single possibility that he could let go.

This time he would have to do it alone. On his own. Without any help. Well, that wasn't too difficult considering that was the lifestyle he had had for most of his life. Do it yourself. No one can do it anyway, since no one is better than you, you can as well do it yourself. That was how he had believed it worked. But now he understood there were things even he would be thought incompetent in.

Now he didn't exactly believe that, he had a mind of his own, and his father had not formed it entirely, but he would still do without help. From the last time he asked for assistance (one of the less than 20 times) he had not-so-very-pleasant-memories. But also memories of advice and wise, or not-so-wise words that were far enough to try to form his own opinion.

He usually wasn't short on those.

Now he was thinking. He ate breakfast, and thought, drank tea, for his sore throat, and thought. He took a shower, didn't sing, but thought. He thought about it everywhere he went, all the time, no matter what he did. Even when he went to work, his mind didn't leave the issue for a second.

How?

What do I need to decide on?

How final will it be?

Why?

Why can't I just let go?

When?

When will I be able to see him again?

Why did I just think that?

Am I not trying to figure out how to see him?

But I have to make a decision?

What decision?

Is there a time limit?

But I could wait three years and to Kuroko the time wouldn't exist.

Or would it?

Is there a way?

A way to be able to get him back to life?

Spend our lives together?

My feelings never changed, will never change, no matter how dead he is.

Time existed for Kuroko...He was dead, but because of Akashi two things existed. No, three actually. Time, pain...And he himself. Without Akashi he wouldn't be there, he knew. There being in an eternal emptiness that was filled with the before-mentioned pain.

There were no coherent thoughts, no feelings...except for the pain, and the longing. Still, he couldn't open the door, he couldn't let Akashi in. Because if he met Akashi only once more, it would be unbearable, because he wouldn't disappear, not before Akashi's memory of him did. And that would take too long, he couldn't stand this suffering anymore...He needed Akashi...

Their goals differed. Akashi wanted to see Kuroko only once...to be able to let go...or? Kuroko wanted, to be able to get away, escape, either completely erase Akashi's memory, which he of course wasn't capable of. So the other option was...To have Akashi stay with him forever.

But was there a way to make that happen? Not that he knew...

Didn't this mean that the only way...

...didn't exist, that they were both doomed...

...or at least Kuroko was.

Was it really so?

Akashi wasn't sure...He hated the feeling, of not knowing, of being incapable of doing something, whether it be making a decision or reaching a shelf. He had had trouble with the latter, especially in his younger days.

An idea had occurred to him, if it was to be called that...A solution...A possibility.

But was he able to...Could he make that decision, would he be capable of doing it...Was the answer a yes or no? He didn't know himself.

He had nightmares every night now, and feared going to sleep, he always woke up either crying or screaming, and was still so grateful for sound-proof walls. Because it wasn't something he was supposed to do. He always managed to get back to normal in a few minutes, correct his disheveled appearance, and get back his calm demeanor. Not that anyone saw, it was just a habit. He was ashamed of his condition, all just because of one...Person, who was dead.

And was there a way he could meet Kuroko without going on this crazy idea, the whim he had had.

An Akashi didn't do things on a whim, that he had always learned, and still now he felt extremely tempted to do so, forgetting that this would have more consequences than any other thing he could do. He had been under control for so long, he had been pressured to be perfect, and even if it all had eased with meeting Kuroko the first time, and the second, and all the hundreds of times, he still had the urge to become free.

Just be free.

Give it all up, huh?

There was no confirmation it would work. The probability it wouldn't was very high. Akashi didn't take risks. He was always simply sure of his victory, and any other outcome was unthinkable, as we know. But he was quite unsure about this.

But every night he saw Kuroko lifeless in the middle of nothing, and then he was screaming in agony himself, he felt that he most certainly could do it. Would.

Then he woke up and came to his senses, not convinced anymore. How far would he go for love - an emotion he hadn't believed in. Was it even an emotion? If not then what? And no, he was not stupid, he could write a perfectly good essay about it included, he was now trying to think on a deeper level.

How much could he trust Kuroko, how much could he trust himself. How much of his trust did he have left to give to anyone? Had he ever had any? Trust wasn't something he gave easily, not at all really.

But Kuroko he had trusted until now, with feelings he hadn't showed to anyone, with the secrets of the darkest pits of his mind... And how did that end up? He never trusted you, he never told you he was dead.

Because he knew this would happen.

But if he'd told you sooner...-

No.

If Akashi had know sooner, he wouldn't even have considered what he was now thinking of - he would've left immediately, without as much as a second thought. Now he was too attached, he knew too well... Perhaps Kuroko had known this...maybe he just hadn't wanted Akashi to leave?

Or was this wishful thinking? Did Kuroko want to live, and used Akashi and his affections for that? No. That wasn't...Couldn't be.

He knew Kuroko. Kuroko wasn't that good an actor.

The question remained throughout weeks, would he? As before, he functioned normally, lived his life, and he wondered if it would be okay, if he could, just keep going like this.

No matter how many times this came to him, the answer was always the same no. No.

It was impossible, a word that had appeared in his dictionary only after he got to know Kuroko. SO much had happened after that, so much had changed. He didn't want to go back to the time before it, but neither did he want to live on like this. So what was there left?

"Tetsuya...I know now...So please? Can I see you again? Feel you again?"

He could hear the reply that didn't even exist.

"Of course"

But was it real.

Akashi wouldn't mind living his whole life as a lie or an illusion, as long as he got to live it with Kuroko.

Okay, hello again. Fast updates ftw huh? As a comfort to ya all I still have no idea what I´m writing here and am merely typing something that I think might be significant. I know I am not good at describing feelings ive never had myself, I am basing everything on what I´ve read. This chapter is kinda short and full of stuff...two chapters more people! I am extremely grateful for all the support and stuff! Please keep it up! But my computer crashed so the next might take a whil (I´m on a relative´s) Or might not, it depends on how fast a error gets fixed.

Aaah, I just...that people actually review MY story, it´s incredible! Makes me happy!