Chpt. 10--Love in the Lies
By Amos Lee
"No, Luke, you had no right." Peyton didn't care that this fight had gone on for days. She was going to get her point across. "You don't decide what's best for me. You don't decide what I can and can't know and when I can and can't know it."
"Peyton. Peyton! You were in a coma for God's sake! The day he got arrested was the first day you opened your eyes. You could barely talk, barely function. What were we supposed to say? 'Oh so your…'" he couldn't say the word, "your friend that you saw a little while ago? Yeah, he's not here cause he ran the red light, put you in a coma, and got sent to jail because, by the way, someone died exactly like your Mom?'"
Luke was exhausted from days of the same fight and maybe that added to his outburst but he realized immediately that he had gone too far. Peyton, it seemed, didn't have any tears left so her wide eyes were dry when she spoke softly, "Fuck you, Luke. Fuck you. Get the hell away from me."
"Peyton, I…Peyton, God, I'm so sorry. That was out of line. Peyton. Seriously. I'll--I'll leave in a minute, whatever you want. But let me say I'm sorry. I… Look, Brooke and I, we didn't know how to tell you Peyton. You, God, you looked so hurt. And we were so scared. And we just wanted, we needed you back. We didn't know…" It seemed unfair to Luke that Brooke was getting a free pass for keeping Julian's secret but it didn't feel quite right to rope her into this fight either. "I didn't know what finding out something like this would do to you. Peyton, I meant what I said before. None of this, none of it, is your fault. But I know what your Mom's death has meant in your life. I knew what someone else's death, in the same manner, and with you somehow involved…I knew how that would weigh on you. How that would hurt you. And you were already so hurt. I just…I just couldn't be the one to inflict any more pain."
"I get it, Luke, I do." Peyton was weary too. "But still, you had no right. I've been sitting here wondering if I should call him. Wondering if he was somewhere worried about me and just not, not quite ready to deal with something like this. And… obviously we were gonna be over but I thought maybe he deserved to know that I was ok. And instead I find out that he's in jail and there's someone…there's someone…and you knew all along. And he was high? He didn't deserve one moment of my concern Luke. Not one moment. But you gave that to him. And, worse, you're supposed to be my friend. You're supposed to be whatever the hell we are to each other these days. There can't be…there can't be secrets, Luke. I can't handle that. Not from you."
"Peyton, we didn't know about the drugs. I swear. We really didn't know anything other than he was in jail. Brooke, she, well, she kind of guessed what happened but we didn't know any details. But," and now Luke cupped his hands around her face because this was important, "you're right. There shouldn't be secrets between us. You trusted me once Peyton. I won't do anything to jeopardize that again. I still think you're wrong. I still think you needed time to heal before we laid this on you. Just like Dr. Stevens gave you time to heal before he told you…whatever it was he told you that had you and Brooke so upset that day." Luke's eyes were questioning but Peyton just shook her head. "So I think we did the right thing. But I won't lie to you and I won't keep secrets again. You're right about that."
"Ok." Peyton sighed. She wanted to drop her forehead on Luke's and rest there a moment. It was an old habit that, in this exact moment, she missed desperately. But she just wasn't ready to fall into old habits with him so she tried to lighten the mood. "Ok. We can drop it." She smiled slyly at Luke, "Or we can drop it if you promise to watch one more episode of Freaks and Geeks with me. Please?" She whined.
"Ugghh. Alright. One more." But Luke was saved by a knock on the door.
"Ms. Sawyer?"
"Dr. Stevens, Bernadette. Hi."
"I've got some good news Ms. Sawyer. Your last few tests came back as well as we could hope for and your physical therapist feels comfortable with your therapy thus far. It's going to take a few hours to process the paperwork but--"
"I'm going home?!" Peyton's voice was as loud as she could get it. "Really?"
"You're going home," the doctor nodded, smiling.
"Oh thank God. Thank you." Dr. Stevens laughed at her. "Thank you so much, for everything, but mostly for letting me go home."
"Obviously we'll need to you to come back for some check ups but all in all, its time you started getting back to your life. Now, Bernadette here is going to show you how to change your bandages. You're going to need some help with this for a little while." The doctor looked pointedly at Luke. "I assume you're going to have someone staying with you?"
"I…" Peyton's heart sunk because she didn't know. They had never talked about how long he would stay. She was sure Brooke would stay if she asked. So why was her heart suddenly at her feet? Before she could dwell on that question Luke interrupted, "Yeah, I'll be there. So will Brooke." Turning to Peyton he said, "Brooke and I discussed it yesterday. I was going to tell you when I got here but…well, we got distracted. Anyway, Brooke can stay for another week, at least, and I…I can stay as long as you want me." He turned back to the doctor and didn't see Peyton's surprise or notice her wide smile. "So yeah, I'll be there. You can show me what to do with the bandages."
Bernadette hadn't missed Peyton's reaction so she smiled shyly at Luke and whispered as she walked by, "I'm rooting for the couple from the book. Good luck."
Peyton couldn't stop thinking about what Luke had said. 'I'll stay as long as you want me.' What did that mean? Was he just being nice, promising to stay as long as she wanted someone to help take care of her? Or did he mean something more than that? It was all so confusing. And the last thing she wanted was to get in another stupid fight, but she had waited too long; she had to ask him.
"Lucas, what are you doing?'
"At the moment I'm carrying you up these freakin' stairs to get you in bed. Basically I'm following doctor's orders."
"No, Luke--"
"I can't--" Luke tried to manage her key in the lock while being careful not to knock her extended leg. "Can you get the door Peyton?"
"Oh. Yeah, sure. Sorry." Peyton didn't speak again until Luke had her settled on her bed and he was satisfied with the pillows propping up her leg. "Luke, what I meant a minute ago…Why did you come? What are you doing here? Isn't…Won't Lindsey want you home soon?"
Luke sat on the bed next to her and gently brushed a curl out of her eyes. "Peyton I…I came because I care about you. I always have."
Once again Peyton discovered you couldn't prevent your heart from sinking. He was here because he cared. Why did that suddenly sound like a dirty word? Did she even want him to feel more than just friendship? Peyton had no answers so she simply closed her eyes and nodded.
"But," Luke continued as Peyton's eyes streaked up to meet his, "I stayed…I'm staying because I want you back, Peyton. Lindsey and I, we're over. I don't know if we ever really got started. It's always been you. Always. And I'm so sorry I strayed from that. So sorry I ever gave you reason to doubt that."
"Luke--" Peyton whispered but Luke rushed on.
"I'm not pressuring you, I promise. This doesn't have to be anything more than what you want it to be. I swear Peyton. If you want me to leave, I'll leave. If you want to just be friends, that's what we'll be. But I had to tell you. Because I meant what I said earlier Peyton. I won't lie to you. I won't keep secrets, not this kind of secret, from you anymore. Even if I do think you'd be better off in the dark." Peyton rolled her eyes but decided to let that comment pass. "I just…I promised you once that I would love you forever. I didn't lie then; I wasn't wrong. That never changed for me, no matter how I may have acted. And I want to do this right this time. We did it right once. We were so damn right once, Peyton."
"I know," she whispered but she squeezed her eyes shut.
"I want to do this right again. We can be friends first. We can date. Whatever you want. I just…I want you in my life again Peyton, but I need you to be happy. So whatever makes you happy, that's what I'll do." Luke took a deep breath, as though he had been holding it during his entire speech. Now tipping her head gently towards him with a fingertip on her chin he begged, "Open your eyes, Peyton. Talk to me."
Peyton searched for an answer to her unasked questions in his bottomless blue eyes but all she saw were her own fears reflected back at her. "Luke…I'm not sure--I need some time, Lucas. I…" Of course she knew she still loved him, had never stopped loving him, but she wasn't ready to trust him with that; she wasn't ready to trust him at all. So she turned her head away before she could announce any foolish declarations and spoke instead from her heart and her head. "I'm not sure I can do this again. I'm not sure there's anything here for you." Peyton couldn't know that she was mimicking Luke's words to Lindsey. "I'm not sure I want there to be anything here for you anymore." When she gathered the courage to look back into his eyes she expected to see anger, or maybe a little hurt, but what she saw was relief. Surprised, and a little miffed after his impassioned speech, she cocked her eyebrow at him.
"God, I love that look." Luke traced her raised eyebrow with his finger before dropping his hand safely under his legs. This was his recently developed method of keeping his itchy hands to himself whenever he was near Peyton. A method Peyton had only just noticed and she couldn't prevent her grin of awareness at the gesture. "You're not saying no," Luke explained. "Whatever else you're saying, you're not saying no."
She realized he was relieved she hadn't refused him out right or turned him away automatically, which apparently was what he had expected. She also realized he was right--she wasn't saying no. "I need time, Luke. I don't know how much."
"However long it takes, Peyton. I'll be here." Peyton cringed, visibly, when his words mirrored those she had put so much faith in on the River Court before she left for L.A. "I…shit, Peyton, I'm sorry. You're going to trust that--trust me--again, Peyton, I promise. One day."
"Luke, I just--"
"Hey P. Sawyer! You are not going to believe who I found at Ralph's!" Brooke called out as she quickly marched down the hall to Peyton's room. When she entered she wasn't oblivious to the eye contact her interruption couldn't break. A blind man would have noticed the look Peyton and Luke shared and Brooke was no blind man but she didn't care. She couldn't wait to see Lucas's reaction to her news. She flopped on Peyton's bed and, as usual, made herself comfortable before continuing, "So, I'm in the produce section, picking up some strawberries and looking for men, of course, when who do I see but…" Brooke tried to drag out the suspense but her friends continued to stare at each other. So she simply shouted out, "Jake Jagielski!"
"What?!" The two blondes spoke at the same time as both turned to stare at Brooke with their jaws dropped.
"Uh huh," Brooke drawled, "that's what I thought you'd say. Jake and Jenny, living in Los Angeles because Jake got a basketball scholarship to a small junior college here. So, my question for you P. Sawyer is what the hell shape are we up to now in our never-ending relationship puzzle?"