Dying isn't a fun experience. It's kind of soul-crushing and actually pretty fucking terrifying. This is why I kinda shudder whenever I hear about some poor desperate teenager who blew their brains out. I did that once, and that was enough to make me never want to do it again. Imagine what that'd feel like for them.

Because let me tell you, the place you go is no fun at all. And it'll make you pray for your worst day. Because even your worst day is better than what awaits you in hell.

I wake up in a place I've been far too often. This hellhole. The Darkness's realm. Hell, or at least, something like it.

And there's The Darkness, all ready to begin a lecture.

"JACKiE, WE did NOT mean HARM!"

"So what did you mean, fuck-face? Did you mean to just give her a big fucking inconvenience?"

"LISTEN. We KNEW the ANGELUS would come for her."

"So you tried fucking her up so it wouldn't take her?!"

"We TRIED TO introduce CHAOS in her. BUT HER FAITH was UNSHAKEABLE. HER LOVE too PURE, too ORDERLY."

Shit…what if The Darkness really did have good intentions?

"I don't like it when you drag my girlfriend into things! Just like last time, when you got her killed!"

"WE THOUGHT it would make YOU STRONGER."

"You were fucking wrong!"

"IT ALSO served the PURPOSE of getting her AWAY from OUR FOE."

I can't believe it. This…this thing…had gotten the one love of my life killed…to cover its ass.

"FUCK YOU!" I scream at The Darkness. "FUCK YOU! I'm tired of being your puppet! I'm tired of seeing everyone I know and love DIE for you! You sick, selfish, self-aggrandizing piece of shit! I don't care if you made me stronger! You think I ASKED for this?! And don't even TRY to play the "you killed Uncle Paulie" card. You saved me ONCE. JUST ONCE. Every other time you've fucked me over! And you expect me, in that warped, twisted, black little heart of yours, that I'll worship you?!"

The Darkness is silent for a moment.

"Jackie…PERHAPS we OWE an apology…WE ARE not OVERLY concerned with HUMAN EMOTION. It is BEYOND our UNDERSTANDING. SUFFERING is our FOOD. THAT is ALL WE KNOW."

I get up from my seat on the floor.

"I don't know if you're lying, Darkness. I don't frankly care anymore. But understand this. I'm a human being. I'm not just some slave. I'm not a horse you can ride, or a dog you can put on a leash. If there's any animal I'm like, it's a cat. I'm a snarky motherfucker who sits around eating your food and not caring about your plans. And I spend all my free time with my girl. So you know what? Let's establish some ground rules."

"YOU CANNOT be SERIOUS!"

"Try me. Either you play by my rules, or you lose your host, your plans, and your war with The Angelus. Because being dead would be better than being your bitch."

"You DRIVE a HARD BARGAIN, JACKIE. VERY WELL. State YOUR TERMS."

"Alright. You're gonna help me get Jenny back. And when you do, you're not touching her unless I say so of my own free will. You don't get to hurt her, kill her, or make her your puppet. And you don't get to control me to make me break those rules. In exchange, I help you fight The Angelus. I said fight, not destroy. Because I'm a balanced man, and I'm sure as hell not living in a world where I can't see shit."

The Darkness makes a sound that I can only assume is a sigh.

"VERY WELL."

"So, uh, do I get to go now, or are we gonna start playing charades and 20 Questions?"

"YOU will RETURN. YOUR FRIENDS miss you ALREADY."

"Boss? Boss?! Oh, thank God! Boss! We thought we'd lost you!"

Vinnie's panicking as usual, and I don't blame him. I'm back in my room, lying on my bed.

"How long was I out?" I groan.

"Uh…three days. The new kid told us where you'd gone, and so, we raced to save you. Figured you got jumped by that Angelus thing again. Or a support beam gave way. I know you're tough, Boss, but we don't take risks if we think you've been hurt."

Man, I love the Family.

"Ok, Vinnie. I'm gonna need a few things. First off, a cold glass of water and some aspirin. Secondly, I need you to put on The Godfather for me. I just got out of hell again, and I'm too sore to move."

"You got it, Boss."

I pause.

"Oh, and one more thing, Vinnie?"

"Yes, Boss?"

"Make sure Johnny Powell doesn't bother me unless it's super important. Hell, if it is, just have him put it in writing and I'll read it. And make sure Sara reads it too. She's better at this supernatural shit than me."

Jimmy the Grape sets up the TV in front of me, not able to resist a quip of his own:

"That's pretty funny coming from a man of your repertoire, Jackie."

I shrug, and laugh. My ribs then ache.

"Screw you, Angelus."

Those are the last words I say before Nino Rota's score carries me off peacefully into a state of pure bliss.