Education of the Heart

Confrontation: Christine

Dr. Benevole and his colleague sat in the office and discussed the confrontation between their patient and Carlotta. It had been a disaster to say the least. Erik felt more justified than ever in what he had done to her and was convinced he had every right to cut her down to size for in his opinion she was the one terrorizing the staff of the Opera Polpulaire and not himself. No argument would be accepted by him. He was sure to have some God-given right and humankind itself was wrong. Their laws were wrong for they were unjust. Their bureaucracy was just made to suppress creativity and genius and superelevate mediocrity and incompetence. And because their laws were unjust, he seemed not to feel bound by them.

Whenever Dr. Benevole tried to explain that any society - even a pack of wolves - had rules they had to follow, be them just or unjust, they were necessary for the survival of all, Erik had just pointed out that France would not exist in its current form had the people been playing by the rules. When the doctor tried to get him to admit that at least the Ten Commandments were not unjust, Erik had started a long speech about just how unjust they were, especially if a child is required to love its parents - but parents are not required to care for their child in any way. Where is the justice in that?

"We can't win that game by logic," Dr. Benevole concluded as his colleague went through his notes, "He's like a politician, slippy as an eel. He can talk about almost everything and always finds logical arguments for his statements. If it was only that - not everyone is happy with our law system - he refuses to obey even the most basic rules like not to kill. Somehow I think he thinks because humanity cast him out he's no longer bound by any rules. He thinks he has some God-given rights because of his genius, but at the same time refuses to accept that other people might have rights too."

"The idea of confronting him with his victims backfired," the doctor answered, "As much as I understand La Carlotta's need for revenge - the humiliation he had to endure caused a severe relapse. He locked himself in his room and refuses to talk to anyone, he only comes out twice a week to feed the wolves. And he is quiet at daytime but plays the piano all night long."

"At least he did not try to escape," Dr. Benevole shook his head.

"Maybe La Carlotta was just the wrong person to get to him?" the doctor suggested.

"If we invite the managers I suspect it would be even worse - he's going to examine them to prove his superior knowledge how to run an opera house. I do not think they can get to him with arguments like 'If you wanted to manage the opera why didn't you apply for that job?'. No, I guess he will just continue to think he's the victim and they did wrong to refuse to listen to him," Dr. Benevole decided.

"Do we have received any other replies from people who might be willing to see him?"

"Christine Daae - and I think this will turn out even worse than with Carlotta. He still thinks she is his fiancee - she will have to tell him that she wants to marry the Vicomte de Chagny. Destroying his delusion might cause a catastrophe. Remember, we have not been able to hold him against his will, he might try to escape and commit murder again. Do you think we can risk that now?" Dr. Benevole was skeptical.

"You said he will fight us every step of the way. Maybe he needs a shock to crack that comfortable walls of self-pity and delusions before we can start to help him," the supervising doctor suggested.

"And you think if Christine Daae tells him she does not love him and why he might crack? What if it backfires and he loses whatever grip on sanity he has?" Dr. Benevole asked.

"He will have to face the truth sooner or later. And we can always chain him up and lock him in the cage - the house is equipped with one," the doctor suggested.

Dr. Benevole shuddered. After all Erik had told him he could not imagine what being chained up and locked into a cage would do to him - if Erik was not crazy now he would go mad with fear if they did this to him. No. He would rather use drugs to calm him down, even if his patient was a known drug-addicted and was likely to suffer a relapse to addiction. It was a dilemma. But it would be even more unfair to Erik to let him believe Christine Daae was waiting for him when she was not. Especially if Erik would be left alone to deal with the shock alone then and not have a psychiatrist or two at his side to help him - and make sure he would not resort to violence and blackmail again.

So they decided to invite Christine Daae.

Erik was more than happy when Dr. Benevole told him Christine Daae would visit him. "I told you she wants to see me," he exclaimed triumphantly.

Dr. Benevole flinched. That was exactly what he had been afraid of. "She does not pay you a sickbed-visit," he explained, "She is coming here as one of your victims to tell you how she felt when you were kidnapping her."

"Of course, I understand," Erik answered, "I know this was not one of my best ideas. I know I frightened her badly and owe her an apology."

"Erik, are you absolutely sure she loves you?" Dr. Benevole asked, "There is the rumor that she is going to marry the Vicomte de Chagny."

"Rumors!" Erik snorted, "She is my fiancee. Why else would she have asked me to trust her when I would rather die than allow myself to be caught? Why else would she write letters to me?"

"She will explain that herself," Dr. Benevole answered uneasily, "But please be prepared for a shock. I am sure your conversation with her will be rather painful."

Christine arrived in the large carriage in the early afternoon.

Erik was standing at the window anxiously waiting her for. He was dressed in a light grey suit, wore his mask and wig and had obviously tried to do everything to make him look as good as possible and not intimidating at all.

Dr. Benevole had their meeting in the hallway again, there were two chairs for them to sit and all guards were on alert. Erik greeted Christine with an elegant bow and a gesture as if he would kiss her hand - but he carefully avoided touching her.

When he straightened his spine and looked down on her his face softened and his eyes were glassy with unshed tears. "You've come," he whispered, his voice low but filling the house at the same time.

"Yes," she gasped, she was very pale and her hands were shaking a bit.

The stood there, staring at each other as if hypnotized by each other's eyes. If Dr. Benevole hadn't known them to be victim and perpetrator he might have guessed to see two lovers. That effect was even stronger for she wore a dove-grey dress and a silver necklace that seemed to match his suit. As if they both had decided what to wear together.

"May I talk to him alone?" Christine asked.

"It is for your own protection," Dr. Benevole answered, "After all, he is dangerous."

"I can't do this in front of all these people," Christine replied calmly, "I am sure Erik will not hurt me."

The supervising doctor was against this, the guards told they would answer for nothing if these two would be left alone. Finally Dr. Benevole agreed that they might talk in the library but the door would be open and all of them waiting outside to help her should anything happen and Erik would have to be shackled to an armchair at his wrists so he would not be able to get up.

"Nothing will happen," Erik assured them calmly, self-confident. Dr. Benevole doubted this.

The worries of the doctor were more than justified for as soon as everyone else was out of the room Erik somehow managed to open his shackles and got up silently. Christine nevertheless closed the door to have some privacy even if she knew someone was listening in.

"My dear, please do not try to go easy on me. I know what I did to you was wrong and I want to apologize," he started.

Christine tried not to cry. His voice was so full of love, so full of hope. And she would have to break his heart now. "Erik, I did not come here to tell you how it was like to be kidnapped by you. I forgave you long ago and I forgave your betrayal. I really do. It is... something else. Dr. Benevole told me you want to marry me..."

Erik answered uneasily: "What else did he tell you?" He knew he had never officially proposed to her.

"That is not important. Erik, I... I do not want to marry you," she said, ducking down, expecting him to lose his temper.

The opposite happened. Erik smiled at her, went towards her and gently laid his hands on her shoulders: "My Christine, I understand. I really do. You are so very young, you have not reached the zenith of your career yet - it wouldn't be a good idea to get married. Your career is more important, I understand that and I totally agree."

Christine bit her lip. He did not understand at all. "No, you do not understand," she went on uneasily, "I do not want to marry you."

Erik frowned. "They told you to say that," he replied, his voice suddenly quavering.

The singer shook her head. "No they did not. I do not want to marry you."

"But you want to marry another one?" Erik hissed, "That insufferable fop, this Vicomte! This despicable glamour boy does not deserve you! And do you know why? Do I really have to tell you? Because he does not respect you."

Christine was surprised. When had Raoul been disrespectful to her? "I do not understand..." she said.

"O my poor Christine," Erik answered with a sigh, "You are such a good girl, such a decent, forgiving girl, you do not even recognize when someone is treating you badly. Surely you have not forgotten that evening after the premiere of Hannibal? He came to your dressing room and told you to have supper with him, you refused and he ignored that. He simply ignored your 'no' saying: 'You must change, I must get my hat.' He completely ignored your wish to be left alone."

Now Christine grew angry herself. Erik was surely the last person who had any right to rebuke anyone for ignoring her wishes. But she did not dare raising her voice so she answered: "And you? Did you respect my wishes?"

"Why, of course, my Christine, always," Erik answered deeply offended, "What makes you think different?"

"Maybe because you kidnapped me, held me prisoner and dropped the chandelier at my feet? Maybe because you stole my necklace with the ring and threatened me that my chains are yours?" she snapped enraged.

Erik was quiet for a moment, looking down at her. "I had to protect you," he answered calmly, "You are mine and I protect what is mine."

"Yours?" Christine's eyes went wide. She had never agreed to this. "I am not yours. I never agreed to that, you never even gave me any choice!"

"I love you," Erik yelled at her as if that would explain everything.

Christine sighed: "O Erik, I do not love you like a bride loves her future husband."

"You hate me?" Erik suddenly sank into his chair as if she had stabbed him in his heart. He had never thought she was capable of hating anyone.

"No, I do not hate you. Don't twist my every word!"

"I see. Then you love me. I fail to see the problem?"

"Yes, yes you fail to see the problem. Erik, the problem is that I love Raoul more than I love you. I love you like a child loves a fatherly friend, a teacher, a mentor. Nothing more."

"But you could grow to love me, my Christine, I'll be a free man soon, I can further your career, I can help you, teach you, we can sing together, we can..." Erik was eager to tell her of his plans for their future.

"No. I do not even want to give you that chance," Christine replied sadly.

Erik jumped to his feet and grabbed her arms roughly. "You are mine! You said so yourself!" he screamed.

"I said that to the Angel of Music! You deceived me, you betrayed me, you played with me! I am not yours and never will be!"

"You are mine and always will be!" he roared and backhanded her before he knew what he was doing. Christine fell to the floor the same moment the door was opened and the guards came in to prevent the escalation - too late.

Erik knelt down beside her, staring at her bleeding nose and lip, touching them gently with his fingers as if he could not believe what he had done. "Christine?" he whispered panicked, "Christine?" She didn't answer, she was unconscious.

Erik looked up at Dr. Benevole. "Help me," he pleaded desperately, "Help me."

Erik was pushed aside as the doctors rushed to help Christine. They told the guards to leave, they needed to open her corset to ease her breathing. The guards left, taking Erik with them who was too shocked at his own behaviour to do anything. He stared at the small drops of her blood on his hands. The guards shoved him roughly to his room where he sank onto his chair and just stared at his hands.

"God, what have I done?" he whispered desperately. He had sworn to himself to protect her and now he had hurt her.

Christine woke up soon. "Please don't send him to prison," was the first thing she said.

Dr. Benevole decided to go to Erik while his colleague was tending to Christine. She was not badly hurt, it had just been a slap and nothing that would require the attention of a doctor or a hospital. But she was clearly under shock and should not be alone now.

He found Erik sitting at his desk, staring at the dried drops of blood on his hands. When Erik noticed the doctor was there he looked up to him, his eyes wide with despair. "I did not want to hurt her," he whispered, his whole body trembling, "I did not realize what I was doing until she fell... Is she hurt badly?"

"No, no she is not. A bruise, a swollen lip and a few drops of blood from the nose - in three days she's as good as new."

Erik closed his eyes and heaved a deep breath in his relieve that she was not hurt. When he opened his eyes he saw the doctor still standing before him, as if waiting for him to say something. It was not easy to admit but Erik now understood that he would need help to learn to control his temper. But what for? Why should he learn to control himself, if he would never have a wife to protect from his bad temper? Everything he had hoped for had turned out to be an illusion and now there was nothing left for him. Nothing.

"I guess this goes to your report as a complete failure," he whispered and shook his head, "Tell them I prefer the Guillotine to a prison sentence. And make it quick, I don't want to go on like this."

Dr. Benevole sat down on the couch, waiting for Erik to say something more. Erik got up and went to his little bathroom with the washstand to wash his face and his hands. He took much time and when he finally came back to Dr. Benevole he did not wear his mask or his wig, which was a clear sign just how desperate he was. Erik sat down on the couch beside the doctor and stared at the window. His eyes were red as if he had just cried.

"I will not report this as a failure," the doctor informed him, "We made a mistake trusting you. We should never have relied on handcuffs to hold you. But you are still my patient."

Erik shook his head. "What for? I do not see why I should endure so much pain if there is no hope for me any more. No hope at all. Nothing."

"It is not hopeless," Dr. Benevole tried to assure him.

Erik barked a bitter laugh and buried his face in his hands. "Not hopeless? She does not want me, she does not want my music but I can't live without her. All that kept me going all these months - and you know they were not easy on me - was the hope to see her again, to hear her sing, to be with her. I can't live without her! Better hand me over to the executioner now and be done with it!"

"Erik, I know that it is painful now..."

"No you don't! You know nothing! How can you even begin to understand what it is like to love? I love her! I love her, I can't live without her!"

"If you love her, as you claim to do, you would put her happiness above your own," the doctor answered.

Erik thought about that. "She wouldn't be happy without music," he retorted in a childlike voice, "She is music, as I am music. We can't live without each other."

"She thinks different."

"She's wrong!"

"And you are unable to accept that she is a human being with a mind of her own who can decide for herself. If she makes a wrong decision, a true friend would still let her do it and stand at her side and hope for the best. A real friend would want her to be happy, even at the cost of his own happiness," Dr. Benevole finally lost his composure and yelled at Erik who looked up in surprise.

They were silent for a while until a care worker came in to inform them that Mademoiselle wanted to leave.

"I need to see her, please, one last time," Erik pleaded, "I just want to ask her forgiveness. Please."

Christine was already in the carriage when Erik, flanked by two guards, approached her. "Christine - please hear me. I do not... I did not want to hurt you. I am sorry, so sorry. Is there a slight chance that you can forgive me?"

"Maybe you understand now why I prefer Raoul's company. I never have to be afraid of him, while you are always unpredictable and violent," she said sadly.

"But I love you," he answered helplessly as if that would change anything, "I love you so much I killed for you."

"But I did not want that! I never wanted that! You always claim that your face is what makes your life miserable, but it isn't. Erik, I can see your naked face now without fear or disgust. Yes, I was shocked when I first saw it but now it does not really trouble me. I could get used to it. What really worries me is your twisted, distorted mind. There is so much darkness in your soul I cannot stand to be close to you," she said calmly, but with so much warmth and pity in her voice Erik could not be angry with her for that. "Goodby, Erik. I hope the good doctor will be able to help you. Driver?"

The carriage left and Erik stumbled back to the house, fled to his room and barely managed to slam the door shut before he broke down sobbing.

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Poor Erik, this is certainly not what he had hoped for.