"Natsu Dragneel-"
"Igneel, no!"
"-you-"
"Wendy, I..."
"-are-"
"No, Gajeel, please..."
"-a-"
"...Lucy..."
"-killer."
I can't be a killer!
Everything you touch, you destroy.
I don't! I-
Everyone you befriend, you eliminate.
That's not me, it's the cu-
Your own family, Natsu. Igneel, Wendy, Gajeel...
It was not my fault-
Who decided to play with them, even after Igneel's warning about making friends?
...
You do not have a curse, Natsu Dragneel. You are the curse.
Stop it...
You are the problem.
No...
Natsu Dragneel, son of Igneel-
I can't...
You are a monster.
There is something achingly familiar about that voice. I know this intrinsically, the same as one would know their mother's voice. It is a voice that has been with me since I was very young, though I also know that it was not a positive influence. Though I cannot place it at this moment, I do know that the voice has been the cause of much suffering for me for years.
I realize that I am in a very dark place. There is no light at all, as if all of it was swallowed by an external force, and I am unable to move from the spot I originated in. I watch as a reel appears, displaying my memories of Acnologia as it battles with Igneel. I want to turn away but something invisible is holding me in place, forcing me to relive when Acnologia suddenly turned away from Igneel, snapping its jaws at me. Igneel dove forward, extending his arm, which took the attack instead of me. Acnologia roared as it forced Igneel back, tearing at him with its claws, shredding his thick cover of scales and reaching the muscles and organs beneath. Then I see myself as I was over ten years ago, watching helplessly as my father is killed before my eyes.
As your father before you, everyone who dares love a beast such as yourself shall perish by your coveted fire.
I relive the moment where Wendy died, burned to a crisp from my fire. Then there was the time Gajeel took a mission with his Guild, Phantom Lord, to track down and capture a Dark Guild Mage that was taking lives left and right. He chased the Mage to a metalwork factory where he was ambushed and defeated, ultimately thrown into the pot where his metal melded into his skin, giving him the most painful death possible. I watch those painful moments again, then again as the reel loops, and again and again and again and again-
The memories seem to form an infinite loop, spanning hours, days, months - I am unsure of the real time period, but to feel the familiar emotions of guilt and sorrow, it seems endless. I watch, unremittingly, the effect I have had on numerous people in my life - my father, my friends, even Lucy...
As your father before you, everyone who dares love a beast such as yourself shall perish by your coveted fire.
The reel suddenly ends, cracking and shattering into millions of minuscule bits, revealing Lucy standing behind them. I blink, then I see the Fairy Tail Guild, doors open and beckoning for even people like me. I blink again and the entire building is on fire, its Mages glowing with red and gold and orange. I blink again and the building is a smoking pile of ash, blackened lumps peppering the ground around it. I blink again and Lucy is standing there, tears streaming down her fear-stricken face. I blink one more time; Lucy is gone.
"Lucy..." I mutter, reaching out and digging my fingers into the nearest thing, which easily breaks in my grip. I hear a whisper, which is replied by another low voice, not too far away. It should be easy to distinguish the individual words with my hearing, however the voices in my head are infinitely louder, drowning out all other sounds with the wails of my sins. "Wendy... Gajeel... Igneel..." I shout without truly meaning to, clenching my right fist and slamming it into another object. I get the feeling that I have been doing that for a while now.
An indeterminate amount of time passes before I calm down, then time stretches along as I am once more pulled into the loop: the memories, the visions, the shouts and attacks. The process is so draining, physically and spiritually, that I believe it was caused by an outside force, perhaps Jellal's injection. I start to wonder how his injection could cause something like this; it might be a neurological stimulant, among a number of other things. Slowly, my energy ebbs away as I think it through. If Jellal's purpose is to break me, then he has done a very good job. Then I wonder why he drew my blood if that was his only purpose. My original path of thinking is demolished as I try to decipher his ambiguous motives. I remember how the substance appeared to turn my blood blue; that would mean that it somehow affected my blood, and consequently the DNA within it. Suddenly, it makes more sense.
A dragon, whether the real thing or the title, is a very powerful creature. To have a bit of their DNA is to, in a sense, bottle up that power for your convenience, and although it can be taken, it cannot be used as easily. Dragons naturally repel any outside influence (for example, we very, very rarely become ill because our bodies' white blood cells have our magic's attributes and quickly deal with any pathogens) and as such, those looking to reconfigure our magic for any sort of purpose have a very long and arduous path ahead of them.
Anyone planning on using a dragon's magic would have a very powerful solution on hand, first of all. The most common mistake is to take some of the dragon's blood and mix it with the solution; the result is that our blood breaks apart the solution's chemical bonds, disassembling it. Forcing the material inside has a similar result. Another method is to inject the solution into the bloodstream, wait, and then take the blood. The difference from the latter two methods is that even when the solution is broken apart, it still remains in the bloodstream, which means that it will reach the heart with the rest of the blood. Jellal must have waited because he wanted the solution to merge with my blood in my heart; if I had to bet, it was meant to be broken apart as well, so that the effects would not be changed or muted when it entered my body. Then the remains that my body does not deem a threat can freely travel anywhere. Although, this does suggest that Jellal's injection had two purposes, one being for his use and another being to incapacitate me. He is a very cocky man, cocky and smart, which is a very dangerous combination.
"Lucy..." I do not know why it is her name that continues to escape my lip, permeating every thought with her golden hair and elated smile and effervescent personality. Perhaps it has more meaning than I realize; or perhaps I wish to think of her before I completely lose my mind. Either way.
"Crap! I'm sorry, Lucy, but I gotta go!"
"Sting, please-"
"I know, alright? He's your - our friend and he's a Dragon Slayer, so I should stay, but he's producing way too much fire. This vest is expensive, you know."
"Sting! Oh my - Gray, can you help?"
"Ice Make: Motherfucker Cage!"
"...Was that really necessary?"
"I described the attack. It's my thing."
"Well..."
"It's cooling down in here. His house is gonna suffer, though."
"I think that's the least of his problems. He's been like this for almost a week; even Happy's reaching his limit."
"Juvia tried to get the whatever-it-is out of his blood, but she said that it's deep in there and that we can only let it run its course."
"And you're gonna?"
"I don't have a choice, do I, Sting?"
"Hah... Well, I have to check on the Guild. Call me when something changes."
"Alright, Sting."
"Lucy, do you still think..."
"What, Gray?"
"...Nothing. Just... Call me if something changes."
"Fine."
"See ya."
"Wait!"
"Huh?"
"Sting said 'when.'"
"Yeah?"
"But you said 'if.'"
"..."
"Bye, Gray."
It is when the last of my magic is used up that my consciousness finally reaches the surface. I am first aware of a soft hand atop mine, one that gently sways from side to side. Then I hear soft breathing with muttered words beneath. "Wake up... Please, wake up... Natsu..."
"Lu...cy..."
"Natsu?" Her breath quickens with excitement. I open my eyes and shut them at the sunlight burning my retinas. Slowly, I open them again, seeing Lucy's face hovering over me. I turn my head, trying to assess the damage on my house; everything is either burned, torn, or smashed to bits. Still, she smiles at me, relieved to see me awake.
"Go away." I did not know that two simple words could hurt a person so much.
"What?" she asks. I pull away from her, sliding over on the couch and holding my hands up defensively.
"Go away. Please, Lucy."
She seems taken aback, then she smiles a little without humor, shaking her head. "You tried that before, Natsu. Your words won't keep me away."
"They won't." It's not a question; it's an acknowledgement of her statement. "But will my actions repel you, when the Fairy Tail Mages perish?"
"Natsu..."
"It is inevitable, Lucy. To have me around is to dig your grave and lie in it. Not for you, maybe, but for the others, Gray, Makarov, Sting-"
"Natsu, please!"
"Please what? I am telling you the truth that I've lived by for all these years!"
"Natsu..." She's shaking now, but from tears or anger I am not aware. "If it's what Jellal did-"
"What Jellal did was clearing the false hope from my eyes, allowing me to see what's really there. I'm a monster, Lucy. I kill anyone that gets close to me." As your father before you, everyone who dares love a beast such as yourself shall perish by your coveted fire. "You all do these nice things for me, trying to befriend me, but every time you do, every little gesture, it will only hurt you. Maybe tomorrow; maybe next week; maybe next year. Whatever the time, I am the cause of premature death. I am the cause of despair and agony for people, Lucy. And I care about you far too much to let you feel that hurt."
"Natsu-"
"Go away!" I shout. "Get the hell away from me!"
Bam! My head snaps to the side from the impact, but it takes a few moments for me to understand what just happened. I turn back to Lucy, whose breathing has accelerated almost as quickly as her hand, which is a bit red from the impact. I stare at her, eyes wide, until she grasps my face and shoves her lips against my own. I am unable to pull away, strangely. It is not because of her strength, which is very average for a human girl, or from shock. The dark voices in my head quiet, becoming so low I can hear my blood pounding. Then it's only me and Lucy in the quiet, ravaged furniture around us, lips connected as two old friends.
It is I who breaks the kiss, shoving her chest until she moves back, startled. "You insult my masculinity," I say. "Why should I be the consenting one?"
When she understands that it's a joke, she smiles. Then, "Why did you say those things, Natsu?"
I press my palms against my temples. "It's... I cannot say for sure if it was what Jellal did, but all of a sudden my... My mistakes were there, taunting me, and there was this voice saying that I'm a monster, that I'm a killer. It's true, Lucy. Wendy, Gajeel, Igneel- You, even, those two times."
"Natsu... Haven't you learned anything? You can't keep blaming yourself for things that happened years ago."
I don't respond.
"Hah... I'm going to tell the Guild that you're okay. Promise me that you won't do anything crazy."
"What-"
"Promise me," she snaps, obviously set on this.
"I swear on Igneel's life."
She moves back, almost tripping over piles of shredded tree bark. Then she goes through the ajar door. I wait until her scent and footsteps have vanished, then I rise, my limbs more than a little rigid but overall good. I go through the door as well, but I have a different destination in mind. Rather than the Fairy Tail Guild, I'm hunting Jellal's counterpart, Mystogun.
Author's Note - This chapter is short, and I'm not too happy with many of the explanations or events, but it does show the beginning of a second problem with Natsu. Along with the guilt he's carrying, he's carrying something from Jellal, something dark, (raise your hand if you remember Ultear's influence on him) and you guys are going to see how much it effects him in the next few chapters.