Author's note:

Man, that took ages! Damn that Reamy! I got infected with it and that made it really hard for me to stay focused on my already starved out Karmy feels. Thankfully, jealous Karma is coming up tonight. Those promos helped get my Karmy feels back just enough for me to finish the chapter before the airing. I can't wait to see how the group hang turns out!

Anyways. Hope you guys are still on board? :D

Once in a little while I think about how life is no more than a sick joke.

You get born as this unwritten and uncreased piece of paper, a free-minded individual. As you grow older society puts its stamp on you, crumples you up until you're only just an unrecognizable remnant of what you used to be. Then, when you are old enough to realize what has happened to you, you spend the rest of your life trying to unfold again.

Your whole life you're trying to get back to where you started. Only that most don't even reach that goal until their time is up.

I sighed. "How'd you find me?", I asked without bothering to look up.
"I knew you'd hide at the one place I would never consider looking for you."

A flat smile crossed my face. See? It's absurd. One would think that my feet were taking me to a place of comfort, but instead they had taken me to a place of misery. Even Amy knew.

At least she had an explanation for my subconsciousness taking me to the one place in school I should not have ended up; not only for my not to be underrated fear of heights, but also for its tragic symbolism had I come to hate the school's roof top. After all, it was the only witness, aside from Amy, to the worst decision I had ever made.

Strangely enough, looking down those 20 feet was now less scary than looking my best friend in the eye. The same best friend I had wanted to see and talk to for what felt like half a lifetime by now. Sadly, Amy's timing couldn't have been any worse: In the exact moment she was finally turning towards me, I was starting to turn away.

I shock my head slightly. All I wanted to do now was to hide myself from everything and everyone in this fucked-up world. Mask my broken self and become the grain of sand that I truly was. The one that was like all the others.
The one unworthy of being perceived as something special and memorable.
The one getting swallowed by hell without anyone noticing or – God forbid – caring.

Maybe she was right about me hiding here solely because I didn't want her to find me anymore.

I wallowed in my silence all the while I looked down my feet, that were dangling from the edge of the roof. For the first time in my life I was facing my fear of heights by having a good look at the complexity of the weightless emptiness underneath me. I was literally trying to get lost in it so that I wouldn't have to focus on my boiling emotions.

All because facing Amy was impossible now. She had become my shadow, personifying all the things I tried to distance myself from – at least for a while – and thereby formed a much greater thread than any height in this world ever could.

"Karma, you know, I meant it when I said "don't jump"."

I could hear worry in her voice, then footsteps. The fact that she was coming near me sped my heart rate up even more than my irrational fear of heights did. She was coming near me, forcing me to deal with her. And for a slight second the very serious thought about jumping for real crossed my mind.

I regretted it immediately and sighing noiselessly before I opened my dried up mouth.

"Amy, I ... I'm not– why are ..."

I cradled my face in my hands now. Why was it so terribly hard for me to speak out properly ever since that last moment I had locked eyes with her? Why did everything that left my mouth sound either retarded or demented?

What had changed me?

"Karma, I'm sorry."

And what had changed Amy?

"I'm really sorry.", she continued, "Things have gone shit and I ... " – a small pause – "The way I've been acting lately was all but the way a best friend should act."

"It's okay, Amy.", I replied in a blink – much to my own surprise. Was it?
"You've gotten your heart broken.", I heard myself declare, "It's just that–"

I finally managed to stop myself, my voice breaking with the very last word.
I know now., I realized mentally, I know what changed ...

I could already feel the tears coming up and so I rose from where I was seated, jumped from its ledge onto the rooftop itself and walked past Amy before she could catch a glimpse of my face. Restless still upon my own realization, but being aware of the fact that I couldn't just run off now, I kept my back to her and shifted from one foot to the other, desperately trying to pull the action of as something casual.

I heard the foot steps again. However, Amy must've seen me step away with every step she made and so she stopped eventually, right as I gulped.

"You've gotten your heart broken, too.", she said.

And that tore at my walls. As if on cue, a sob betrayed me to jump on Amy's side in the current matter. It seemed to confirm her theory just enough for her to step closer once again. This time, I couldn't move away anymore.

"Karma–"

I jerked when her hand made contact with my shoulder so suddenly. Her touch burned, which was pretty paradox considering I felt like I needed to be held by my long-time confidant now. Maybe that would save me from completely falling apart.

"I understand." – I mumbled instead – "It's ok."

"Is that why you can't even look at me? Because it's ok?"

Amy always hit me right in the feels. I swung around swiftly, my unshed tears forcing themselves back to the surface and watering my eyes as soon as I saw the sheer worry and fear in her beautiful eyes.

It also brought my anger back to life, though.

"I just thought that this wasn't about me, ok?!"
I was yelling, feeling like I would get rid of all the poisonous feelings by spitting them out.
"I thought you opening up to me about Liam was a sign that you ... still wanted me as your best friend. And that we were going to be fine! That your behaviour was just because of Liam and what happened between you two ... You reacting to your guilt over doing it, and then when you ... when you ran away ... I told myself that I was imagining things and that you didn't want to get away from me, but me and Liam ... I told myself to try harder and make you open up again so that things could work out. At one point, I really did believe that you were only just late for class. Do you understand, Amy? I literally imagined everything!"

I paused to catch my breath for a second. Which was a mistake ...
"But after.", ... because I failed to say it out loud now.
"After ..." – I failed again.
"I ..." – I sighed in defeat.

I used the moment to look her deep in the eye. "It's just clear to me now.", I concluded upon reading truth there; she already knew what I was talking about.

"I get it now. But you know what, Amy?"

Deafening silence.

"Don't expect me to not be shocked, because I really imagined everything– everything but this."– I pointed my finger from me to her and from her to me – "I never thought that this was about me– I never–"

A bone-chilling roar.

"Of course it's about you!"

"Of course"? Hell ..., I thought darkly, now I do wish I had jumped, when I still had the chance ...

"It has always been about you, Karma.", Amy growled again, "Open your eyes! It was about you wanting to be popular! It was about you wanting the hottest guy in school! It was about you wanting to fake being lesbians, you wanting a threesome, you wanting Liam to fall in love with you– You, you, you! I've slept with Liam because of you! And he slept with me because of you!"

Amy took a deep, rattling breath. Her slightly shaking hand coming up to her face to brush some hair out of her eyes as well as the heavy sigh erupting from her throat finally made me realize, that all of this was getting to her just as much. Amy had just always been better at hiding her discomfort.

"Things are messed up.", she continued, this time in a much more vulnerable voice, "and ..."

"... and it's all my fault.", I finished, remembering and quoting what Liam had said to me yesterday.
I stared into her eyes once again, as I waited for her to agree or disagree, but Amy did neither. Instead she just stared back. And her telling silence was just as bad as her voicing what she was thinking.

I realized now that jumping would've been so much easier. How could I keep breathing when my body – my heart – just refused its work now? I tried swallowing the monstrous lump that held my bodily functions hostage, but wasn't successful at all. Being mesmerized by Amy's intense gaze didn't help either; it was probably the origin of the lump anyways.

"Karma ..." – her voice was back to its calm and soft self – "I'm really thankful for what you did yesterday. I made a stupid mistake and I needed my best friend to help me through that. Without you, I'd probably still lie in my bed like dead meat."

I could feel a "but" coming up and it made me close my eyes. "But that wasn't enough.", I imagined her say next, "You failed me, Karma."

"But that's just not the end of it.", Amy spoke. "Alright? There's ... there's still this black hole, where my heart used to be and ...my best friend can't help me repair this. Especially when she's the reason for it ..."

A powerful tear drop forced its way past my closed eyelids, bruising them in the process, so that it literally hurt when I opened my eyes again. Just to see pity in Amy's eyes, that made me bow my head in shame just a second later.

I didn't deserve that pity; Amy was right, as usual. How could I even dare to think that Liam was the only scapegoat in the room? Sure, he was responsible for messing up Amy's first time forever, which was one of the things that had gotten to her so badly. However, it had been my fault to even let it get that far.

The sheer thought about all the skeletons in my closet weighted heavily on me. In fact, it felt like the bony creatures were pulling at me feet to try and drag me down to their personal hell.

"I'm not trying to blame you, Karma ..."

Just how could I mess up the absolute best thing that had ever happened to me? Amy sounded so fragile now, it only helped strengthen the hellish creatures I stared at. Despite their devilish appearance, they were merely serving justice, the realization making me fight them less and less.

"For God's sake, woman, you're driving me insane.", Amy grumbled, but I recognised the tremble in her voice anyways. The girl approached me quickly, but hugged me so very tenderly, that I wanted to burst into tears to spread the sudden feeling of joy I felt like fireworks. Only then did I realize that the tears were already streaming down my face fiercely.

"Come on, don't cry. You know I hate that ...", Amy hushed silently as I crossed my arms behind her neck to have her hold me. Contrary to their purpose her words made me sob loudly as I opened my mouth to answer: "D-Don't ... push me away."

Amy's hands came to rest at my hip now. I pressed our bodies together until I could feel her heart beat directly against mine. It didn't take long before our vital muscles synchronized and started working together like two gear wheels in a single system. That thought made me smile, despite my lightheadedness that probably came from the emotional hurricane raging behind my forehead.

Amy, being the awesome friend she was, responded by hugging me more tightly – if that was even possible anymore. "I'm not.", she said in a soft, but determined tone that didn't leave any doubt about the truth behind what she was saying, "I don't ever want to lose you. Please believe that ..." – for only a second Amy buried her face in my neck, her warm breath making me shiver – "I just need ... some time."

"Time for what?", I wailed, almost snotting all over her shirt as I pulled back abruptly, "Time to think about whether or not you can still be my best friend?" I pushed her back a little and quickly shook my head when she tried to open her mouth. "No!", I said forcefully to signalise that I wasn't finished yet, "Are we seriously discussing this, Amy? We promised once to always be best friends, you remember that don't you? I kept that promise! I was there for you when you and Liam ... ! Despite him being my boyfriend at the time!"

I flopped my pathetic crying self onto the ledge of the roof top, feeling completely drained. It may have been childish to try and hold her to a promise that we had made half a lifetime ago, especially when I had changed a lot myself. Still, I didn't know what else I could hold on to now. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

"We promised to never lie to one another, too.", my best friend replied rationally. She started to kneel right in front of me, forcing me to look at her with her boring stare. "And that went down the drain rather quickly, too, since all of this started.", she continued when our eyes met again, "Don't you think? Look, Karma–"

A cold shiver ran down my spine in the moment her hand connected with mine. That was the first time I really thought about it all; since when did Amy's touch influence me so much? Were those butterflies in my stomach?

"I'm not trying to blame you, punish you, or get rid off you in any other way. D'you hear me? I couldn't if I tried!" – she smiled, sadly, "But that's the whole problem, too."

Her stare got more intense with each passing second right as if she was trying to transfer her thoughts into my head. I got the feeling she wanted me to say something in return, but a cat finally got my tongue for real. I didn't even know what I was feeling anymore. There was nothing but the small shiver she evoked and an overall numbness. The latter especially after she had just referred to our bond as "the problem".

"I can't just pretend like nothing ever happened, Karma. And I certainly can't just switch off those feelings I have for you. I tried that – I really did! But what they say is true." – she smiled sheepishly again, caressing my hand – "You can't just stop loving someone. And I'm sorry for saying this but ... being around you hurts. It hurts, because every time you smile at me, it feels like you're breaking my heart all over again. It's like you're forcing me to take a close look at what I can never have – and I can't handle that just yet."

"What am I supposed to do, Amy?! Watch you walk away further and further until you just don't come back anymore?! Because I can't return what you are feeling?"

I saw a change in her eyes now, like some light that was suddenly turned on. Her fingers intertwined with mine and she squeezed my hand a bit. I just shock my head to that, purely frustrated by the contradictory signs she was sending me.

"I know that probably sounds lame coming from me now ... but this isn't your fault, you know."
"Then why are you making me feel like it is?! You say you don't want to lose me neither, but I feel like I already have!" – I stopped a moment before adding something else. "And you're right, it does sound trivial, coming from the girl that blamed herself, too."
"Karma, all I'm asking for is a little time. Take it slow. You don't expect me to bag my feelings, throw them into the ocean and then everything is fine again, do you? Life's not that easy – and you know it."

I nodded instinctively. That's why I couldn't lose her; I just didn't know how to face this scary thing called life without her.

"If I wouldn't care about what we already have, I would've told you all those weeks ago. But I do care! And that's why I tried to lock those feelings away at first. Until I couldn't anymore ... Until I didn't want to anymore. I got brave enough to take a chance, and yes, when I did, I fell flat on my face. But that doesn't mean that I'm just giving up now."

My face lit up. For the first time since her Mom's wedding, I saw her clearly; the real Amy. The one, that fights and the one person, that I trust to handle and face everything.

"I just need to mend the wounds first."

The one, that was brutally honest with me. That brave girl, that wasn't afraid of showing weakness like I was.

"Until then, I can't have you thinking that this is your fault. Or that I don't want to be your friend anymore. I like to think that we are stronger than this – please don't prove me wrong. Okay? Karma, give me a reason to come back."

I nodded once more and as soon as I did, I felt the hindering lump disappear from my throat. The next breathe I took also broke the chains that had once again wrapped themselves around my chest. I was so relieved, I began to smile like a lovestruck fool. "Wow.", I then said, "I always knew you sorta had a gift for words, but I didn't realize you could get this poetic."

She smiled brightly and honestly at that. "I know.", she mumbled.

Amy stood up from her kneeing position, but stopped halfway through. We were face to face so it wasn't that hard for me to notice the slight decrease of honesty in her smile. "Amy?"

A spirit reviving jolt of fear sped through me as Amy hugged me so fiercely that I nearly toppled over – over the edge of the roof top. I glanced over my shoulder shortly, but it was enough for me to get dizzy. I guess everything started to get back to normal, even the real degree of my fear of heights.

"I'm glad we settled this.", I heard her sigh behind my ear.
"Uh huh.", I agreed, "But we might need that crane now."

Amy's full fledged laugh brought the rest of the lost life force back into my body. Before I knew, I was back on my feet, steps away from the dangerous heights and hand-in-hand with my best friend. That was the moment I knew that everything really was beginning to get back to normal.

"Come on, let's go.", Amy pulled at my hand now as she headed towards the staircase feverishly.
"Go– go where?"
"It's too late to get to class now, so let's just skip school all together and get some milkshakes. My treat."

Now my eyebrows got sceptic. "Didn't you just tell you needed "Karma free" time?", I followed up. Amy just shrugged. "I'm yearning for a milkshake and I feel generous, but if you got something better to do–"

"Ok, convinced!", I declared happily, feeling a little foolish, because that smile felt like it would never ever leave my face again. Especially when Amy held the door open for me gentleman-like and mirrored the smile. Before I climbed the first steps I needed to stop though, which led to Amy almost running into me. "What is it?", she asked immediately.

"Can I have a double chocolate one?"

Amy slapped my arm, but we both laughed in unison again.
"Some things never change.", she solely commented.

Author's note:

What do you think? Did I succeeded in tapping into them again?

I feel like this would make a good ending – don't you? Just messing with you ;) Although, I did think about it.