Chapter Ten

Riley's POV

When I get out of the hospital, I get to go home.

I thought I was going to the mental asylum. They asked me why I kept mumbling things about a girl named Ana. They ask who she was. I shook my head and said I didn't know.

Back at home, Mom tries to have a heart to heart conversation with me. I couldn't do it.

I ended up standing up and walking away from her.

Yeah, I know I hurt her. I get that. But if I actually said why I did this she wouldn't believe me. No one will believe. I probably wouldn't believe someone if they told me this.

Now I'm sitting in my room. It's summer and I'm wearing a long sleeved shirt and a regular tshirt over it. I have to wear this because I'm cold and Mom will not turn the air conditioning off and the cuts are starting to haunt me.

Thinking about it, yes I probably did over react. I shouldn't have done something like that with Maya, Lucas, and Farkle in the living room. I'm just thankful that Auggie wasn't here.

Since getting out the hospital, Maya, Lucas, and Farkle haven't tried contacting me. I have tried contacting them either. I want to talk to them though. I want to go to the movies. I want hang out at the park. I want to skip the part where I have to explain myself to them. I don't want to. But they want answers. I have them but I refuse to say them. They deserve answers. I don't deserve them as friends.

Maya was the first person to reach out to me.

It's been a week since the hospital.

She contacts me through text.

Maya: Hey

Riley: Hey

Maya: Are you busy?

Riley: No.

Maya: Can I come over? I think we need to talk.

Riley: Sure.

We're sitting in my bedroom. When she first walked in, she took immediate notice of my long sleeved shirt. She also noticed when I shivered.

Maya sits at the foot of the bed. I sit at the head. We both have our legs crossed. We are turned to each other.

"So how have you been?" Maya asks me.

I nod. "Good. What about you?"

"Good,"

This.

This is the part that I wanted to skip. I don't want the awkward silences. The too few worded sentences.

"I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I'm sorry."

Maya looks up at me. "Why are you sorry?"

I look at her. And I think I might begin to cry. "I'm sorry for putting you through that. I'm sorry that I tried to commit suicide while you were at my house. I'm sorry you had to witness me with cuts all over my arms that I created. I'm sorry that you had to stick your finger down my throat and force me to vomit."

Maya smiles, "I accept your apologies."

"But I also thank you. I thank you for coming to my house today. I thank you for forcing me to be alive when I didn't want to be. I thank you for not leaving me because I caused you to see terrible things. I thank you for still loving me when I'm a sick monster."

Tears are rolling down her face. "Riley, I'm going to love you until the end of time." She grabs my hand, still smiling. "And you're not a sick monster. You're just a confused person."

I smile at her.

I reach over and pull her into a hug.

"I love you too."

"Riley," Audrey says my name.

I look up from the blanket that I was wrapped in. "Yes,"

I realized after two months of coming to Audrey's room, I like it. It's small, pretty, and adorable. She has the coolest looking knick knacks. There are a few owl clocks, none of them have the right time. There are a couple pencil holders, some look like trees, others look like elephants.

"Let's talk about Ana and Sam today. Okay?" She says. Her face is hopeful.

It's not like I don't want to talk about Ana. It's just that I don't think Audrey will understand how tight of a hold Ana had on me. Sam, he is just another thing all together.

I lean up a little. "You won't judge me, right? You won't tell anyone."

Audrey smiles, "I'll only tell others what you want me to."

I nod and lean back against the couch. "I think I uh," I stop. This is harder than I expected. "You see, I believe…"

"Riley, it's okay." She says. "Take your time."

I continue to look at her. She smiles at me. The pen she's writing with is pressed to the pad, she's ready to write whatever I say. I think I trust her.

"I believe Ana brainwashed me."

Audrey nods. She writes words down. "You believe Ana brainwashed you."

I nod.

"Would you care to explain why you think that?"

I nod again. "You see, normally I would never even think about starving myself to lose weight. I was at a normal weight anyway. I wouldn't cut my body either for punishment. Sam was controlling my thoughts. And when I'd slip, or not do something Ana told me, he made me believe it was terrible. He made me believe cutting would somehow make everything better."

"Riley," Audrey's face seemed to have fallen. "You do understand that Sam and Ana weren't real. They weren't there with you. It was you actually, just talking to yourself."

"I'm confused." I shake my head. "If Ana was really just me then how did she tell me stuff I didn't know?"

"You probably read it somewhere. And when you were stuck you would remembered but instead of you thinking it, Ana just said it." Audrey says. Her eyes seem kind.

"I'm not crazy though. I can't just make up people in my head and believe I'm speaking to them."

She shakes her head. "This does not mean you are crazy, Riley."

"Then what does it mean?"

"You were already starving yourself a bit before Ana came. Right?" She asks.

"Yeah for about a week,"

Audrey nods, writing that down. "This shows what the starving was doing to you. It was making you loopy. You were probably talking to yourself way more than normal. Yes?"

I nod.

"And you thought you were crazy."

I nod again.

"To make yourself seem not crazy, your conscious made a person up for you to speak to you. So you, yourself, wouldn't think you were just alone."

"What…what about Sam?" I ask. I begin playing with the end of the blanket, not making eye contact.

"Sam popped up when things were getting really bad. Right, Riley?"

I nod.

"Your body was starvation mode. Your brain cells were screaming for food, screaming to be released from the pain you were causing yourself. Your mind made Sam up to help you so what was going on."

I don't speak. I can't speak.

Thankfully when I see Farkle and Lucas for the first time again, they don't say anything. They act like it hasn't been two weeks since they last saw me. They act like I'm just regular Riley and I want to thank them and stay with them until I feel normal.

Farkle did hug me though.

I walk into the arcade we said we'd meet at. He ran across the room and hugged me. I hugged him back with equal force. A huge weight lifted from my chest. My eyes started to tear up.

Lucas smiles at me and suggests with play a game.

After playing a lot of games and such, we sit at a table.

We order food to eat. And begin talking. We talk about what's it's going to be like when we enter high school. We talk about how the classes will get a lot harder and how the teachers will be more scarier than ever. We promise that we'll be friends in high school and that nothing will change that. Even if we have different classes, seemingly different lives. We'll stay together.

Our food gets to the table.

I get chicken nugget, honey mustard, and fries. A Dr. Pepper with it.

Maya: a mini taco pizza, a tiny side salad. A Dr. Pepper too.

Farkle: two slices of pizza. A sweet tea.

Lucas: A burger, a big burger. A Mountain Dew to drink.

We continue to speak.

I didn't want to. I didn't want to at all. I subconsciously count how many chicken nuggets I have.

10 nuggets

"Eat only 3 and you'll fly."

No. Ignore it. I can be normal now. I don't need a number to define me.

"Come on, Riley. You can start fresh again."

She's not real. She's not speaking to me.

Brain stop this. Stop. I don't need this anymore.

I take a nugget and dip it in the honey mustard. I eat it.

"Riley stop! You're a fat pig. Why can't you do anything I ask you to do? You're a loser. You'll never reach your goal weight like this. I hate you!"

I smile at my friends. "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom."

I stand up and walk. I change from walking to fast walking.

I sprint to the bathroom.

No one is in the bathroom.

I pace back in forth in front of the mirror, running my fingers through my hair.

"Riley, all you have to do is stop eating again. Then you won't be a loser, boys will like you. And even better, you'll like yourself."

Tears threaten to fall down my face.

"Stop. Please stop. Just go away." I say.

If I call her by her name, she'll be real again. She'll take over. I don't have enough fight in me to do this. I won't have enough fight to recover.

The bathroom door opens.

"Riley, are you okay?" Maya walks in.

The tears fall freely.

I pull her into a tight hug.

"It won't stop. I thought I was okay. But she won't shut up."

Maya hugs me back. "R-Riley, it's okay. You're trying that's all that matters."

She doesn't understand any of this. But it's okay if she doesn't. I wouldn't want her to.

"She's telling me to stop eating. I want to be normal, Maya. I want her to be gone."

Maya pulls back from me.

"Then ignore her until she does. Okay?" She says. "Realize that you're fine. Know that you don't want to slip into that again. Remember how sad you were and how sick you were."

I look at her. I wipe the tears from my face.

"Okay." I nod. "I can do this."

Maya smiles at me. "Good,"

She holds her hand out for me and I grab it. We walk back to the table.

I eat seven nuggets (with honey mustard) and twelve fries. I drink the whole Dr. Pepper.

I understand that I'm not going to be able to bounce back immediately. This transition with take more time, I will beat this though. I'm going to be fine.

I'm not fine.

But I'll be fine.

I'll finally be fine.

Thanks for reading.

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This might be the last chapter. I'm still thinking.

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