Disclaimer/TO DO:
1. Write Chapter (Check)
2. Figure out the plot. (How do you make half a check?)
3. Cure my Procrastination Syndrome. (I'll do that tomorrow)
4. Write Disclaimer. (I do it eventually)
September 3 - Sunday - Boom Boom
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Arizona Hotel
"WAKE UP CALL!" A maid banged on the door of the three Brotherhood boys.
"AH! WE MISSED CHECK OUT TIME! NOW THEY WILL BE EXPECTING US!" Arcade woke up in a panic.
"Calm my panicky friend." Todd soothed Arcade, "We'll leave now."
"Five more minutes gran gran." Good Fred moaned in his sleep.
"Once we wake Freddy up." Todd added.
"How hard is that?" Arcade asked.
"Invulnerable skin, he can't feel anything." Todd reminded Arcade.
"Darn." Arcade tested Todd's words by kicking the sleeping giant.
"Got any food?" Todd asked.
"What why?" Arcade was confused but handed over a generic chocolate bar.
"You'll see." Todd opened the candy and wrinkled the wrapper making lots of noise.
"FOOD!" Good Fred jumped out of bed, denting the ceiling, and landed on the ground, denting the floor.
--------------------
Hawaii
"HOW CAN I GET COVERED IN SO MUCH ANIMAL POOP IN SO LITTLE TIME!" Pietro woke up to find himself different shades of white and brown.
"Hello handsome." Pietro's date's Mom walked out to Pietro with a knife.
"Help." Pietro eyes went wide when he saw the knife.
"Oh be a man, I'm just cutting you -" The woman began.
"AH DON'T CUT ME!" Pietro vibrated at a fast speed.
"CUTTING YOU DOWN!" The woman finished.
"Oh right." Pietro blushed.
"Why are you helping me." Pietro asked as the woman cut at the bonds.
"You're cute, and your scaring off the animals." The woman shrugged.
"That seems contradictory." Pietro muttered.
"Most people aren't into freaks of freaks like me." The woman shrugged, "And I am not talking about mutants."
"That seems insulting." Pietro muttered.
"It was." The woman finished allowing Pietro to hit his head on the ground.
--------------------
Bayville
SNORE Lance snored from his room, "Pretty Kitty."
MUAHAHA Wanda crackled in her sleep an evil crackle that would give crackling demons nightmares about crackling.
"I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!" Todd's breakfast from yesterday screamed before a larger bug ate it.
BEEP BEEP! Both of there pleasant dreams were interrupted by alarm clocks which somehow every morning were fixed after the morning before where they were broken by Good Fred's arm, Todd's slime, Arcade's death ray, Pietro dropping it off Mt. Everest, Lance burying it, Wanda hexing it into an early grave, and sometimes Xavier rolling over it.
"I hate these alarm clocks, I think they are haunted." Lance grumbled as he fixed breakfast because the cursed alarms went off the moment he tried to sleep.
"Must kill slime ball for buying demonic alarms." Wanda twitched as she fixed an UFO (unidentified food object), which happened to have red sauce that looked like blood on it. Needless to say Lance hid the knives.
"What do you want to do while we wait for Forge to get around to finding the others?" Lance yawned as he watched Wanda use a soon to beat up her clock.
"Hold on I need to do something first." Wanda walked over to the Magic-No-Charge-Pay-Phone hanging in the room.
"I wonder how Mommy Mystique got that phone." Lance muttered.
"No clue." Wanda said while she dialed, "HEY FORGE WAKE UP AND FIND THEM NOW! I NEED TO KILL THE FROG FOR BUYING THESE ALARM CLOCKS AND FRED NEEDS TO MAKE MY BREAKFAST! Goodbye cutie."
--------------------
Forge's
"She called me cutie." Forge's eyes went wide, "Save me she's gonna eat me."
"How I wish." Forge's teddy bear muttered.
--------------------
Brotherhood House.
'She called him cutie? Since when has she had his number.' Lance thought, 'Poor Forge she's gonna eat him. At least I know she doesn't want me anymore.'
"Did I say that out loud?" Wanda asked.
"Yes." Lance replied.
"You will tell no one who is living or dead." Wanda hissed.
"No master." Lance bowed his head.
"Good, have a cookie." Wanda handed Lance a cookie that only had red Choco Candies, aka C&Cs, (A/N:1 ) in them.
"Oh red pretty. Much better than the only pink ones that Kitty makes, and not a heavy as lead." Lance scarfed the cookie.
"Why does no one but me have table manners in this house?" Wanda asked before scarfing her own food.
"Said the pot to the kettle." Lance muttered.
"What?" Wanda glared causing the windows to shake, not from her powers but from fear of her.
"Nothing." Lance whimpered.
"Good, have a cookie." Wanda handed Lance a cookie.
-------------------
Arizona
"My arm." Todd groaned as Good Fred munched on the candy which he had ripped from Todd's arm.
"QUIET I AM EATING!" Good Fred yelled causing the TV to fall to the floor.
"I haven't been with you guys that long, but I know not to mess with Fred when he is eating." Arcade whispered to Todd.
"YOU HAVE TO GET OUT HERE AND PAY OR WE ARE CALLING THE COPS!" The hotel manager banged on the door.
"We stayed to long." Todd gasped in fear.
"NO I CAN'T GO TO JAIL I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH MY PARENTS!" Arcade screamed.
"I thought my family was messed up." Good Fred muttered, "Evil twins and curses and government secrets have nothing on Arcade's dysfunctional family."
--------------------
Forge's
"Good Teddy Bear," The demonic duct bunny 'walked' over to the cyborg, "I have heard your plight with the evil Forge, help me defeat him and we will be glorious. AND WE SHALL RULE THE WORLD."
"Only if I get to rule Asia." The Teddy bear stated.
"What? The economic center of the world? You can have Europe." The dust bunny negotiated.
"Deal." Both somehow managed to shake on it.
"I have a feeling of impending doom." Forge walked into the room in which the two plotters where sitting.
--------------------
Brotherhood House.
"I'M BACK!" Pietro ran into the living room where Wanda and Lance had fallen asleep watching cartoons, "GET AWAY FROM MY SISTER!" Pietro pushed the two mutants apart.
"GET YOUR SLIMY HANDS OFF ME!" Wanda snapped when she woke up and hexed Pietro into a wall.
"Welcome back, how was your date." Lance muttered half asleep, "And why do you have rope burns on your arms." Lance paused and considered his question, "Forget it I don't want to know."
"NO! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING." Pietro snapped, "I don't do bondage."
"Bondage? What I didn't mean you having sex. I meant you getting you butt kicked by your dates." Lance rolled his eyes finally awake.
"For your information I didn't get my butt kicked-" Pietro began.
"No it was your head. See the bruise, Lance?" Wanda pointed to a large lump on Pietro's forehead.
"You just gave him that." Lance pointed out.
"No he hit the back of his head when I hit him." Wanda stated.
"True." Lance nodded.
"FORGET ABOUT THAT!" Pietro shouted, "WHAT WERE YOU DOING SLEEPING WITH MY SISTER!"
"I didn't do anything." Lance defended.
"Your right, sorry." Pietro apologized, "WANDA! HOW COULD YOU HEX HIM INTO SLEEPING WITH YOU!"
"PIETRO!" Wanda hexed Pietro at the door, through which Tabitha was entering, strangely she still had a key to the place.
"GET OFF ME PIETRO!" Tabitha shouted from where they landed, "DON'T PUT YOUR HANDS THERE!" BOOM "NEVER PUT YOUR HANDS THERE!"
"I didn't mean to I was trying to get off you." Pietro said in a funny voice.
"Uh why are you here?" Lance asked.
"Long story." Tabitha shrugged.
"We have no life, tell." Wanda pulled up a chair with a hex.
"Well -" Tabitha launched into a long, sad, very short, and not so sad story.
-----FLASH-BACK-----
Our story begins in a distant (30 minutes by car, 20 by Logan's bike, 5 by Kitty's driving, less than 1 sec by Pietro's running) building clear across the neighborhood. Okay it isn't that distant.
"Good morning Jamie." Ororo smiled as Jamie came in for breakfast.
"Owww." Jamie moaned.
"Is your stomach aching after yesterday?" Ororo asked kindly while promising death for the trouble he caused.
"BOOM BOOM IS IN THE KITCHEN!" Tabitha burst through a door spinning Jamie around five times and causing twelve clones to appear, "BADA BING BADA BOOM!"
"Sorry shorty, here have a candy bar to make it better." Tabitha handed a candy bar to every Jamie, who all ate it, save the original/smarter one.
"TABITHA DIDN'T YOU LEARN YESTERDAY!" Ororo attempted to grab the candy from the Jamies.
"TABITHA OUT!" Ororo yelled as the Jamies got glazed looks in their eyes, "YOU CAN NOT BE NEAR JAMIE FOR THE ENTIRE DAY!"
"Ah man." Tabitha groaned and snagged her breakfast, "See you later then."
-----FLASH-BACK-----
"And so Here I am." Tabitha shrugged.
"God help us." Lance groaned.
"She's gonna steal my clothes." Pietro whinnied while Tabitha began to ruffle through a hamper full of Pietro's clothes (He doesn't have enough closet space.)
"I like her, she inspires fear in others." Wanda grinned.
"Today we witness the union of two evils." Lance muttered.
"God have mercy on our souls." Pietro added.
"So what's happening with the geeks?" Wanda asked while she helped Tabitha destroy Pietro's clothes.
"Not much, Xavier is confused by the new lawsuits though." Tabitha shrugged, "You?"
"We're planing on getting Lance's Jeep back from Ororo today." Wanda shrugged.
"YOU X-GEEKS STOLE IT!" Lance shouted in the background.
"Oh right, I heard about that deal. I also heard that Lance buried it in the Park again." Tabitha said.
"Figures." Wanda muttered darkly before adding in a happier tone, "Beating up little kids was fun. To bad most kids really get hurt when you do that."
"You're evil." Tabitha muttered.
"I blame my bad home life." Wanda replied.
"For most of your childhood you had no home life, how could that make you evil." Tabitha pondered.
"My point." Wanda sighed.
"Oh right that asyl-" Tabitha broke off when Wanda glared at her.
--------------------
Forge's
BOOM
"That is the sixth explosion in the last ten minutes. What is going on?" Forge looked at the newly burnt door while his parents tried to convince a priest the their son's ghost was haunting them.
"MISSED THAT &#$!" The dust bunny yelled.
"You have bad aim." The cyborg teddy said.
"You shot the first five." The dust bunny defended.
--------------------
Arizona
"RUN!" Arcade shouted as he and the other two ran from debt collectors.
"Wow debt collectors are mean down here." Todd hopped over a 18-wheeler.
"For some reason I have a feeling that I would rather be here than at Bayville." Good Fred mussed as he plowed through a Hummer.
"YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR TWO NIGHTS!" A well dress debt collector ran after the Brotherhood holding up a piece of paper.
"YO, WHAT ARE WE DOING FREDDY WE ARE MUTANTS LET'S TAKE HIM!" Todd and Good Fred stopped in their tracks while Arcade ran off.
"Uh ... This is the first time anyone has tried to fight me..." The debt collector backed away slowly while the two advanced on him, Good Fred with a smile promising pain and humiliation.
"I am hungry." Good Fred stated with an evil glint in his eyes.
"Uh right, cannibalism is frowned upon in this country ..." The debt collector backed away some more.
"I am a mutant terrorist, I am frowned upon by this country." Good Fred walked closer.
"Right ..." The debt collector turned around and ran screaming for his mom, and someone named Bubba.
"Were you really going to eat him?" Arcade finished running around the block and stopped in front of the two mutants.
"If I had hot sauce." Good Fred shrugged.
"Arcade, hold me I'm scared." Todd hugged Arcade.
"Me too." Arcade said while he stared at Good Fred who walked into a restaurant and robbed them.
--------------------
Bayville, Cue evil laughter
"MY CREATION!" Tabitha laughed from the kitchen while the brotherhood watched in fear at the monstrosity she was creating.
"Blob has some serious competition." Wanda stared as the pile of food going on Tabitha's 'snack' grew.
"Who puts a whole bottle of Tabasco sauce on their sandwich?" Pietro wondered.
"I once knew a kid who jugged a bottle straight, he threw up a few minutes later." Lance said. (A/N: 2)
"Remember last time Tabitha threw up?" Pietro asked.
"That time with the toilet paper and the paper mache donkey?" Lance asked.
"No the time before that with the chocolate cake she ate by herself, the wedding cake." Pietro told Lance, "By the way who has a chocolate wedding cake?"
"Oh right that time, she was having a mock wedding with Toad." Lance nodded as his senile memory managed to drag up the traumatic event, "I didn't get any sleep that night."
"Why do I live here?" Wanda asked no one in particular.
"Because it is fun." Her leprechaun told her, the one her cell mate in the asylum had introduced her to.
"Right." Wanda nodded.
"Who's she talking to?" Lance whispered to Pietro.
"Don't say a word, she might flip out on us again." Pietro muttered back.
"Want one?" Tabitha asked holding up her master piece, none FDA approved food.
"No thanks just ate." Both Wanda and Lance said.
"Darn I can't use that excuse I haven't had breakfast yet." Pietro muttered.
"Your lost." Tabitha shrugged, "So anything happening?"
"Didn't you already ask that?" Lance groaned.
"I did, didn't I?" Tabitha mussed, "Okay, explain why did your manic bosses run off? That is the only thing that has happened around here."
"Well Wanda got her memories back, went berserk, destroyed Magneto's source of income, causing his lackeys to attack him. I think Mystique went insane, either that or she loves Magnuto." Lance summed up the reason why Magneto was sending Xavier post cards from Cuba.
"Right..." Tabitha blinked, "I thought that monkey man did a good job on her head?"
"He didn't finish leaving unstable traces in my memory that were triggered which further caused my mind to remember everything else. Xavier told me that a mind can never forget anything, it can only be hidden." Wanda shrugged, "I think it was when Jean was trying to cheat off me during the drivers ed class that she triggered my memories."
"She cheated? You have a permit?" Tabitha gasped.
"Yes she cheated, honor student with perfect life. Mind reading powers. Connection? I think so." Wanda connected the clues explain Jean's perfection, "I got my license I am a good driver."
"Cough. Threaten instructor. Cough." Pietro faked coughed and was hexed into the wall.
"Okay..." Tabitha blinked, "What do you in your spare time?"
"Try to get food, money, gas, Kitty..." Lance started listing what the Brotherhood, at least him, tried to acquire, "Speaking of Kitty I have this necklace for her."
"Ohh pretty." Tabitha's eyes glazed over when she saw the necklace.
--------------------
Forge's
"Mom, dad, I was never dead and I am not a ghost." Forge told his parents in their morning ritual of trying to convince them that he was real and not a hallucination brought on by the drugs the physiologist prescribed.
"Must kill master." The teddy bear said in modem dial tones to the dishwasher.
"That is weird what does 'must kill master' mean?" Forge asked, he knows dial tones.
"Idiot." The toaster sighed.
--------------------
Arizona
"We have been in this state for two days and already have committed twenty seven felonies?" Arcade stared at the wanted poster at the post office, "And why are we here?"
"To send a letter telling Lance where we are." Todd shrugged.
"Why not send a letter with stolen stamps that will take three days to deliver when you can use a phone to get instant communication." Arcade grumbled.
"Was that sarcasm?" Good Fred asked as he stuffed the letter into a box, breaking the box.
"No." Arcades voice dripped of sarcasm.
"All right then." Good Fred smiled.
"Why do I stay with you guys?" Arcade banged his head on a counter next to a phone.
"You got you parents arrested and your guardian/butler kicked you out." Good Fred shrugged.
"I am calling Lance." Arcade grabbed the phone and dialed.
--------------------
Bayville
"Hello." Lance picked up the phone, "Brotherhood Boarding house, delinquents at your service. Need a rival school vandalized, need insurance, calling about your debts, this is the place."
"LANCE IT IS ME ARCADE!" Arcade shouted loud enough for the other mutants in the house to hear, and deafen Lance.
"Where are you cuddle cakes?" Tabitha sang into the phone.
"Uh, Lance, why is Tabs there?" Arcade asked in fear.
"WHAT I CAN'T HEAR WITH MY RIGHT EAR ANYMORE SPEAK UP!" Lance shouted.
"Use the speaker phone Lance." Wanda sighed and pushed the button.
"I am in Arizona, if you don't get here fast we will need bail money." Arcade sighed.
"We'll be right there." Wanda snapped and hung up the phone, "ALRIGHT MEAN YOU HEARD THE MAN! I WANT IDEAS ON HOW TO GET THERE FAST, I ALSO WANT TO HEAR THE IDEAS FAST!"
"OH OH OH!" Tabitha raised her hand and started bouncing around.
"Yes, Tabitha." Wanda smiled a fake smile.
"Badger always leaves the keys in the X-Jet." Tabitha smiled hoping the others would get the idea.
"So?" Pietro asked.
"WE STEAL THE JET IDIOT!" Lance whacked Pietro over the head.
"Ow. Fine but I call shot gun." Pietro grumbled.
"I drive." Wanda smiled.
"Never mind I want the seat by the parachutes." Pietro amended his seat choice.
"I hate flying." Lance groaned.
--------------------
X-Mansion
"I sense a disturbance in my mind." Xavier held his head and concentrated.
"Another lawsuit." Logan walked by with a raw steak speared in one set of claws and a leaking beer can on the others.
"Alcohol poisoning, and or insanity." Hank muttered referring to Xavier's recent drunkenness.
"DON'T GET BEER ON THE CARPET!" Xavier shouted.
GRR Logan growled.
"Never mind." Xavier whimpered.
"HEY GUYS TABITHA'S BACK SHE GAVE ME THIS CANDY BAR SO I WOULDN'T TELL YOU THAT SHE BROUGHT THE BROTHERHOOD AND ARE CURRENTLY IN THE HANGER STEALING THE JET!" Jamie ran up to the adults.
"Your problem." Logan walked off.
"Your problem." Xavier told a very confused Ororo who had just walked up.
"I'll handle it." Hank sighed and walked off to the hanger.
--------------------
X-House, with the Brotherhood and Tabitha
"Hurry, I'm sure they know where here." Tabitha rushed the group into the jet.
"This reminds me of when I tried to join the X-men." Lance groaned.
"Why?" Wanda asked.
'Bad driver driving the jet.' Lance thought be fore answering out loud, "A bunch of the little geeks stole the jet."
"I AM NOT A LITTLE GEEK!" Wanda snapped.
"I meant the stealing part." Lance whimpered.
"Uh think we'll get in trouble for stealing that car?" Pietro asked, referring to the stolen car they had driven in to get to the mansion.
"No why?" Tabitha asked.
"Nothing thought I heard sirens." Pietro shrugged.
"We are in a sound proof hanger. What could you possibly hear." Tabitha asked as the door let out a siren sound when it opened, "Only the doors could make a siren sound. And I don't hear them."
"Tabitha?" Hank sighed from behind her, "Hasn't Logan taught you to be aware of your surroundings?
"WHOA! COOKIE MONSTER GET IT AWAY!" Tabitha hid behind a barrel of jet fuel.
"Tabitha, Xavier solved this in your sessions, I am not the Cookie Monster, I am not going to eat you and I DO NOT WORK FOR YOUR DAD!" Hank finished in a yell.
"Do we want to know." Lance asked.
"Long story. Short version, all of Tabitha's problems with her dad can be traced to the Cookie Monster." Hank sighed.
"WHAT HAPPENED TO DOCTOR PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY?" Tabitha yelled.
"That one time I got sick and you tried to poison me with cookies while pretending to be a nurse." Hank sighed, "I still can't eat cookies from fear."
"And I thought we were messed up." Wanda blinked, "Tabitha maybe you should sit this one out."
"NO I WANT TO SEE MY FREDDY!" Tabitha screamed.
"Okay." Lance nodded while slowly backing away into the jet.
"STOP RIGHT THERE! I CAN NOT LET YOU COMMIT GRAND THEFT AUTO WITHOUT ADULT SUPERVISION!" Hank shouted.
"Good, we are committing grand theft jet." Lance said before Hank jumped into the jet.
"I need to get out of the house, Kitty want's to dye me pink. Again." Hank sighed.
"Again." Pietro blinked, "Is there something you want to tell us and does it involve a closet?"
"Said the pot to the kettle." Hank muttered, "Wait that came out wrong."
"Kinda, Hanky-poo." Tabitha rubbed Hank's arm hair the wrong way.
"HEY DON'T RUB MY HAIR THAT WAY IT GETS TANGLED!" Hank grabbed his trusty pocket comb and started grooming himself.
--------------------
Forge's
"Mom, dad, rabbi ..." Forge began, "Wait, since when have my parent's been Jewish?"
"This is the ghost?" The rabbi blinked, "He's not a ghost, he is obviously a teenage genius who has been stuck in a not-so-parallel universe where he didn't age."
"Thank you." Forge sighed, "How'd you know?"
"God told me." The rabbi smiled.
"Oh right, I might want to convert." Forge nodded.
"That and your parents explained your story on the phone, and I called that bald mutant and he told me it was true." The rabbi shrugged.
"Never mind." Forge sighed.
--------------------
Arizona
"On the road again ..." Todd hummed.
"WE ALREADY SANG THIS SONG!" Arcade snapped, "I'll start a song."
"Gather 'round, ye lads and lasses, set ye for a while. And harken to me mournful tale about the Emerald Isle." Arcade began to sing.
"Let's all raise our glasses high to friends and family gone. An lift our voices in another Irish drinking song." Good Fred added in his voice.
"Consumption took me mother and me father got the pox
Me brother drank the whiskey 'til he wound up in a box
Me other brother in the Troubles met with his demise
Me sister has forever closed her smilin' Irish eyes" Arcade sang alone, being the only one with enough time on his hands to learn all the words, the other two spent more time eating and chasing Wanda.
"Hey, Arcade why did we leave the post office, didn't you tell Lance we were there?" Good Fred interrupted the song.
"Ken was killed in Kilkenny and Claire, she died in Clare." Arcade continued to sing but did an about face.
--------------------
X-Jet, 11 miles above the ground moving at mach 2.
"WHEE!" Wanda laughed as she flow the jet in an erratic fashion.
"At least we will have lots of time to contemplate our deaths when we start to fall." Lance sighed before losing more food.
"Not really." Tabitha said, "If she flies straight at the ground then we won't have that much time."
"Oh my -" Hank ran to the bathroom which emptied the vomit into the air where it fell and hit a poor lady on the head scaring her, which caused her hidden mutant powers to emerge which turned her into a she-cookie monster.
--------------------
Forge's
"Die master." The cyborg teddy bear pushed a bowling ball of the top of the stairs above Forge who through dumb luck managed to avoid it by dropping a large amount of explosive chemicals and knocking himself out of the way because of the blast.
--------------------
Arizona, Post office.
"This is boring." Todd moaned as the twelfth old lady ran by.
SNORE Good Fred snored.
"If it wasn't for Wanda I might leave this group." Arcade sighed.
"YO! ARE YOU MOVING IN ON MY WOMAN!" Todd yelled in Arcade's face.
"YES I AM!" Arcade pounded his chest in challenge.
"BRING IT GEEK! YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR A HOMO SUPERIOR LIKE ME!" Todd bounced up and down some.
"I HAVE BRAINS AND YOU HAVE NOTHING! NOT EVEN BRAWN!" Arcade shoved Todd over.
"I GOT SLIME!" Todd spit out some slime with enough accuracy to make Wanda proud. That is to say he missed and hit a postal worker, assault of a government employee is a federal crime.
"AHH! CALL DHS WE GOT MUTANTS!" The postal worker screamed.
"WHAT CAN DHS DO THEY ARE PATHETIC DID YOU SEE HOW THEY HANDLED KATRINA!" Another one screamed.
"That was FEMA." The first one pointed out calmer.
"FEMA is now part of DHS." The second pointed out.
"Yeah but they are still separate in some ways. Like that was all FEMA's fault DHS can't mess anything up, they do nothing." The one who had been slimmed said.
"Then why do you want their help?" The second asked.
"Right, call the Local Authority on Such Things." The first sighed
"Who would that be?" The second asked.
"I don't know look in the phone book." The first tossed the second a phone book.
"Would it be under authority or local?" Postal Worker #2 asked.
"Try local." Number 1 replied watching the two mutants fight for Wanda's honor, actually for her hand in marriage but honor sounds more respectable.
"Here it is - wow ironic it is local authority on such things - '13 The LAST Arizona Office, call for all magical, paranormal - that's kinda redundant, magic and paranormal, just say paranormal - and mutant problems. We are not a bunch of loons, we are a sanctioned USA federal government agency. We are not secret, it is just that no one believes anyone who has to call us.'" #2 read off the blurb.
"Isn't star number usually reserved for those service code thingies?" #1 asked.
"Well they ran out of something one one numbers." #2 shrugged as he dialed.
"Hello, LAST Arizona offices, Fred speaking." Fred read off to the postal worker.
"Hi, I am a postal worker-" #2 began.
"You're crazy?" Fred asked.
"No I am a mail man." #2 sighed.
"Oh right, please state the nature of your problem so that I may forward it to my superior officer George." Fred continued the standard dialog he learned in basic training.
"Mutants and humans are fighting." #2 said.
"How many?" Fred asked.
"One." #2 replied.
"One mutant or one human?" Fred asked.
"One of each." #2 said.
"Okay, please hold while I get George out of his office, I wonder why he wanted privacy with his secretary-"
"AHH YOU PERVE!" a woman's scream interrupted Fred.
"- and now I know." Fred sighed while searching for a rusty plastic spork to dig his eyes out with (A/N: 3).
"And knowing is half the battle." #2 said.
"Not in this case." Fred sighed, "I'll just go ahead and send the Omega team to you."
"Omega team?" #2 asked.
"Six people work in each office." Fred explained, "Me the communications officer, George the Director, and two teams of two agents, Alpha and Omega."
"Right so Omega is the best?" #2 asked.
"No Alpha is the best." Fred said.
"YOU ARE SENDING ME SECOND RATE AGENTS TO DEFEND US FROM RAMPAGING MUTANTS?" #2 screamed.
"Pretty much, standard policy, send Omega first to weaken them and after they die send in Alpha." Fred sighed into the phone, "Good bye."
Throughout the entire conversation #1 and Good Fred just watched. "Creepy." Good Fred said.
"What is creepy." #1 asked.
"I've dealt with LAST before, in New York, they were pretty pathetic." Good Fred shrugged.
--------------------
Arizona LAST HQ.
"THIS IS NOT A DRILL ASSEMBLE ALL TROOPS IN HANGER AB3HD SUBSECTION 999!" Lyle Valery yelled into his walkie talkie.
"We aren't in a military base." AI-42, an android, sighed at his partner who was slightly crazy from his 35 year stint in partial suspended animation. Partial suspended animation is where your body does not age but your mind does. And being trapped without the ability to breathe or eat causes lots of pain and physiological scaring.
"ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY ORDERS SOLIDER? IN 'NAM WE WOULD CUT OFF YOUR HEAD FOR THAT!" Lyle screamed.
"In Vietnam I would receive a dishonorable discharge, not death." 42 stated.
"LISTEN YOU RUSTED PILE OF CYBERNETICS -" Lyle began.
"I AM AN ANDROID NOT A CYBORG I HAVE NO CYBERNETICS ONLY LIVING ORGANISM CAN HAVE CYBERNETICS LIKE THE BIOMECHS!" 42 yelled.
"LISTEN DEMON TOASTER -" Lyle raised his adamantium coated hands which he received while in suspended animation in an attempt to make a mutant hunter, without relying on mutants. Of course it was a very thin coat and practically useless since it only was as useful as his punches and only prevented cuts and not broken bones.
"Take that." 42 punched Lyle in the face.
"WHY YOU DESPICABLE -"
"42! LYLE! STOP NOW!" Oompa, a member of Alpha team and a Oompa Loompa who hates chocolate and defected from Willy Wonka's communist factory/army base, entered the room and saw the two newer members fighting. (A/N: 4)
"HE STARTED IT!" 42 pointed at Lyle.
"Why did I let that Forge guy talk me into installing emotions." Oompa moaned.
"DID NOT!" Lyle yelled.
"YOU WERE THINKING YOU WERE IN VIETNAM AGAIN!" 42 yelled.
"POST TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME!" Lyle defended.
"YOU WERE NEVER IN ANY WAR!" 42 yelled.
"SO I WAS PART OF A SUPER SOLIDER PROGRAM RUN BY A ROGUE GOVERNMENT AGENCY!" Lyle yelled back.
"God I hope this call wasn't important." Loompa walked in, another Oompa Loompa on the Alpha team.
--------------------
X-Jet
"Why oh why did I come, I could have been a good walking rug and let you steal the jet but no." Hank sighed as Wanda lowered the passenger's life expectancies by several years.
"You were tired of the New mutants?" Tabitha answered the rhetorical question.
"That's it, to bad one is here." Hank sighed, "I see why Xavier drinks."
"I hate flying." Lance moaned as the jet completed five barrel rolls and did a good rendition of Top Gun's scene where Tom Cruise ejects.
"CAN I FLY NOW? I WANT TO SEE HOW HIGH WE CAN GO!" Pietro was enjoying the extreme moves.
"Insanity runs in there family." Hank moaned.
"I don't think that is true." Lance defended the Maximoffs.
"A dad who wants to take over the world." Tabitha pointed out, "A self loving obsessive compulsive psychopath."
"True." Lance admitted.
"And Wanda ..." Tabitha didn't know what to list first.
"FINE! POINT MADE!" Lance snapped before going to the bathroom again.
--------------------
Arizona, Post Office
"Some one call for a ..." Lyle burst in but was unable to come up with a movie line to steal.
"Mediator?" 42 offered.
"To complex, it needs to be simple to the point, and show that we use big shiny guns with little to no safety features." Lyle thought.
"Just say 'Someone call for the LAST agents?'" 42 offered.
"What he said." Lyle turned back to the room where Todd and Arcade where fighting with pens, #2 was panicking, and #1 and Good Fred where trying to cook with a photocopier's light bulb.
"I WILL HAVE WANDA!" Todd jumped at Arcade.
"SHE HATES YOUR GUTS! SHE SHALL BE MINE!" Arcade bit Todd contracting a rare deadly disease, that due to too much radiation from the computer was unable to attack Arcade's super immune system and wasn't so deadly.
"HE BIT ME!" Todd jumped up and pointed at Arcade who was in the process of blowing his chunks.
"He is an idiot then. Remember the last guy to bite you?" Good Fred asked.
"He lived." Todd said with shifty eyes.
"He was in intensive care for a year." Good Fred pointed out.
"THE BROTHERHOOD IS IN THE POST OFFICE!" Pietro sped inside the Post Office.
"MORE MUTANTS!" #2 screamed.
"I was the one who got slimmed I should be the one panicking." #1 muttered.
"Where's the bathroom." Lance moaned as he walked in.
"How'd you get here so fast?" Good Fred asked while the other two rolled around in the background scarring Smith and Blank who were still on Arcade's shoes.
"We flew." Tabitha said, "Then we parachuted down, I hope Professor Baldy can buy a new jet."
"Fun fun fun." Wanda giggled, "KILL HIM ARCADE POUND THAT SLIMY SLUG INTO THE GROUND!" she cheered when she saw the fight.
"MY LOVE DON'T DESERT ME!" Todd screamed as Arcade tried to commit murder.
"WANDA WILL BE MINE!" Arcade shouted.
"I think I'm gonna puke." Wanda went outside and produced unhealthy sounding noises.
"What? WANDA LEFT ME!" Arcade screamed with Todd.
"Notice how Arcade is slowly losing sanity?" Lance asked Pietro.
"It hasn't been that slow. Only a week at most." Pietro shrugged.
"This is why I left therapy early?" Lyle snarled, "WHY DID YOU CALL US! STAR THIRTEEN IS ONLY FOR EMERGENCIES!" Lyle yelled at the postal workers.
"Not again." 42 produced an artificial sigh from beneath his human like mask.
"I DID I HAVE COOKED FOOD WITH A PHOTOCOPIER!" Good Fred shouted holding up a fried chicken and several hundred sheets showing various stages of the cooking process.
"And you destroyed the rain forest." Hank sighed.
"Uh, Hank, why are you here? I understand the other's rescuing us but you?" Arcade asked having stopped crying on Todd's shoulder.
"I HAD TO GET AWAY FROM THE X-MEN THEY ARE CRAZY! WOLVERINE WANTS ME TO TEACH DR SESSIONS WITH HIM! THAT METAL MAN HAS TAKEN THE LAST QUIET SPOT IN THE HOUSE! ORORO AND I BROKE UP AND XAVIER IS BECOMING AN ALCOHOLIC!" Hank screamed before collapsing into twitches.
"I thought I was messed up." Lyle muttered.
"You are." 42 sighed.
"DEMS FIGHT WORDS!" Lyle launched himself at 42 while Todd and Arcade returned to their fight.
"Man this is messed up." Tabitha sighed, "Who wants to go eat?"
"AYE!" The Postal workers, Good Fred, Pietro, Wanda, and Lance replied while they walked out with Tabitha.
--------------------
Restaurant, Arizona
"Shouldn't you guys be at work?" Lance asked the two postal workers as he downed his twelfth salad.
"Who cares, you can only get fired if you kill someone." #2 shrugged.
"Can you at least tell us your names?" Wanda asked while she dissected her cow.
"I'm Stamp." #1 said.
"I'm Envelope." #2 said.
"Working in the Postal system runs in our family." Stamp shrugged.
"Our mom left our dad because he was to obsessed with it." Envelope added.
"Which was shortly after he named us." Stamp murmured.
"Ohh-kay." Tabitha blinked twice, "Pass the bread."
"Here." Lance mumbled as he handed over the bread and started his 20th salads, "Salads taste awful and aren't very filling."
"Then why are eating them?" Wanda asked as she butchered 12 chickens.
"Kitty -" Lance began.
"SHUT UP!" Wanda covered her ears, "If an explanation starts with kitty it is bad."
--------------------
Post Office
"Where did everyone go?" 42 asked the exhausted group.
"Out. Door. Eat." Lyle gasped as he stitched his own wounds with his first aid kit.
"So many punches." Todd was leaned against a wall.
"The smell, the slime." Arcade was frozen in one spot covering his eyes and nose.
"THOSE X-GEEKS!" Hank shouted with a twitch.
"Okay we were called here to stop the mutants from destroying the post office right?" Lyle asked after he got his breath.
"Affirmative." 42 replied.
"That has been a success." Lyle smiled as he survived the damage, "We'll just say it was a freak tornado."
"Okay, should we help these people?" 42 asked.
"Why?" Lyle looked at the two mutants and human.
"We are suppose to help." 42 attempted to shrugged which didn't work to well with his android shoulders.
--------------------
Restaurant
"Psst Lance meet me in the women's bathroom in five minutes." A waitress hissed to Lance as she walked by.
'Who was that?' Lance asked himself, 'Better go meet that stranger in a private place where no one can hear me scream.'
"Guys, I'll be back." Lance walked off to the girl's bathroom.
"The guy's bathroom is on the other side of the restaurant." Stamp said after a few minutes.
"It's Lance we don't want to know what he smokes on his little 'alone time sessions.'" Tabitha shrugged.
"He was like that before I came?" Wanda asked.
"Oh yeah." Tabitha nodded.
--------------------
Bathroom
"Hello scary stranger you wanted to meet me in a sound proof room where no one can see me?" Lance asked.
"Here." Mystique threw open a stall.
"Kinky." Lance blinked.
"SHUT UP IDIOT!" Mystique smacked Lance over the head, "I am attempting to remake contact with the Brotherhood but I can't let my step child see me."
"Step child?" Lance blinked.
"Wanda. Me and Erikky poo married." Mystique sighed with a smile.
"Bad image." Lance whimpered.
"Listen closely, I want you to recruit John. He never worked for money, he worked for food." Mystique said, "While he hates mine and my husband's guts I want you to change him so that he is one hundred percent loyal to me."
"Uh why?" Lance asked.
"SO WE HAVE SOLIDER FOR WHEN THE TIME COMES TO RULE THE WORLD!" Mystique laughed hysterically.
"Uh right, I have no clue where John is." Lance shrugged.
"Destiny has told me that your paths will cross soon." Mystique said, "Do not fail me, I will watch you closely, as much as I would hate to use the same idea twice. But no Magnuty insists that as long as I don't befriend my daughter the idea will work. Maybe I can befriend my son this time around?"
"Okay, note to self avoid new students." Lance muttered, "Especially Gothic British chicks with beautiful hair and the cutest ..."
"I'm gonna be sick." Mystique proceeded to do so in the toilet, "GET OUT THERE NOW!"
--------------------
Post office
"You see, your insecurities with women is a result of ..." Lyle the Loon attempted to help another loon.
"I'll see if I can get some scientist to make some soap for you that doesn't burn and doesn't give you a glowing neon pink rash." 42 tried to help Todd with his hygiene, "By the way, why don't your friends know about this rash problem."
"It only occurs in sensitive spots." Todd whispered.
"Why isn't anyone helping me?" Hank asked.
"Basic training didn't cover how to help you." Lyle shrugged.
"Neither did advanced training." 42 shrugged.
"Perfectionist, advanced training is useless." Lyle scoffed at 42 for wasting time going through non required training, "All you need to know is how to use a gun, point and click."
"Really? How about how to disarm a nuclear bomb?" 42 asked.
"They covered that on day one of basic, always have since that roach thing." Lyle pointed out, "You went through basics before they started teaching it."
"I feel better now." Arcade stood up.
"Really I actually helped someone?" Lyle blinked in surprise.
"No, I just realized you are more messed up than me." Arcade shrugged.
"Either way you owe me $100 dollars for this session." Lyle said.
"Here." Arcade handed him some monopoly money which had fallen out of a broken box.
"Opening another's mail is a federal crime." Lyle said as he pocketed the money.
"I have broken enough laws recently that I no longer care. In fact recent experiences allow me to see beyond simple right and wrong. They allow me to see sorta-wrong and sorta-right." Arcade said.
"Deep man." Todd patted him on the back.
"Sorry Toad for moving in on your girl didn't know what came over me, you can have her I don't want some one who would castrate me." Arcade said.
"Good we fixed everything but the walking blue rug." 42 said.
"That should be enough for a promotion." Lyle nodded.
"WHAA I WANT MY MOMMY!" Hank screamed.
"Should we help him?" 42 asked.
"I am already in therapy I don't need his problems." Lyle muttered.
"And I may be an emotional and psychologically stable android but I don't think I can handle that." 42 agreed.
"Stable. Right." Lyle laughed, "You haven't been stable since the military decided you were a failed experiment and kicked you out."
"I TOLD THEM I WAS THIS CLOSE TO KNOWING THE QUESTION!" 42 yelled.
"And what is it?" Lyle asked.
"Simple, it is -" 42 began while a large train collided with an equally large train on nearby tracks drowning out the question with the bang.
"That makes since, wow." Lyle blinked, "Should we help the trains?"
"Not our jurisdiction." 42 shrugged.
--------------------
Restaurant
"Hey we should head back to Bayville." Lance finally came out of the bathroom and walked up to the table.
HIC "Fifty some bottles -" Hic Stamp sang out of tune with Envelope.
"How long have they been drunk?" Lance asked a sober Brotherhood.
"Five minutes after you went in there." Pietro shrugged.
"Let's leave them with the bill." Wanda said as they stood up.
"Okay, let me get a to go order." Good Fred went up to the counter.
--------------------
Post office
"I'm fine now thanks for asking." Hank said to the seated crowd which was watching the News.
"And in other news Senator Kelly is down to a 25 approval rating." Trish read a card.
"HA TAKE THAT YOU RACIST! I'M NOT EVEN A MUTANT AND YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!" Lyle started yelling at the TV.
"Lyle," 42 sighed, "That was a dream."
"Oh right." Lyle muttered sheepishly, "But still if he saw my hands he would try."
"True." 42 nodded.
"Hands?" Hank asked.
"These." Lyle showed him his metal covered hands, "Not really useful as they don't do much for broken bones, only keep the skin from breaking. And prevent me from getting bones reset after they are broken."
"That's weird." Hank blinked.
"Shiny..." Todd's eyes went wide.
"Those look just like that one sci fi movie, People with Metal Hands from Mars." Arcade said.
"Okay, stop watching B movies kid." Lyle put a pair of gloves on.
"Hey guys." Lance walked in with the others, save the postal workers.
"WHERE'D YOU GO!" Hank snapped.
"Relax, we just ate, now we should head home." Wanda sighed.
"We will use a real plane this time, the X-jet is gone." Hank sighed, "Baldy will be angry."
"No worries, Ororo gave me Baldy's credit card when she kicked me out this morning I can buy eight plane tickets." Tabitha held up a credit card made out to a, Chuck Baldy Xavier.
"No wonder he goes by Xavier." Pietro laughed.
"Well we need to report into base anyway, and I want to watch my soaps." 42 shrugged.
"Where are the postal workers?" Lyle asked.
"There." Todd pointed at the TV which was reporting of a restaurant that had been wrecked by two drunk postal, in both senses of the word, workers who had refused to pay the bill.
"Not our problem." 42 said.
"Right."
--------------------
Airport
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALL FLIGHTS ARE CANCELED?" Tabitha shouted at the ticket counter, "WHO CARES IF A MYSTERIOUS PLANE CRASHED OUTSIDE THE CITY!"
"Sorry guys." Tabitha walked over to the group who had stayed far away, "Looks like we'll have to spend the night until they start flying again."
"Goody, you guys can give the X-Holes a run for their money." Hank sighed.
"That's a good one." Pietro congratulated Hank, "X-holes, haven't heard that. Fits in, now we have X-Jerk, X-Wad, X-Noob, X-Geek, X-Dewb, X-Loser ..."
"Okay, Hank never get Pietro started on insults." Wanda blinked as her brother slowly speed up in listing insults.
--------------------
Forge's
"AHH BAD TEDDY BAD BAD!" Forge ran from his Teddy, who had dropped all subtleties, while his parents spoke with the Zack from the LAST.
"So, you are the Local Authority on Such Things, Omega team? Is that good?" Mrs. Forge asked.
"No not really, Alpha is the best." Zack shrugged, "But I can assure you that Forge is not a ghost haunting you for your past sins of doing drugs while pregnant with him. Though that explains why he is messed up.
"GET HIM TEDDY!" The dust bunny cheered.
--------------------
Arizona LAST HQ
"YOU HAD A SIMPLE TASK BREAK UP A MUTANT HUMAN FIGHT! AND YOU GOT TWO POSTAL WORKERS DRUNK AND ARRESTED DESTROYED THE POST OFFICE AND NOW REQUIRE COUNSELING?" Fred screamed at the two Omega agents.
"Technically they didn't have that task." George said with a smile, "Only I can approve assignments and you never got my approval so they can't be punished."
"I think George is ticked that Fred walked in on him." Lyle muttered to 42.
--------------------
Parts Unknown, Asia
"Some day I shall rule the world." Jamie #3 smiled evilly as his 'loyal' (read: enslaved) subjects brought forward the a stone with an anvil on top, and through the anvil was thrust a sword, Caledfwlch, also called Excalibur.
"Oh great ruler," Good Fred's 9000th cousin nine times removed, Sir Tor started a tale.
Unlike the rest of Good Fred's family Tor is not fat. In fact his buff. With arms the size of tree trunks (not literally). Basically his is a steroid munching blacksmith with split personalities, five of them. The only thing he shares with Good Fred is his appetite, and his mutant invulnerability/unmovable.
"DICTATOR!" Sir Bors yelled, one of Tor's personalities, the political one.
"HE IS THE TRUE RULER IF HE PULLS THE SWORD!" Sir Erec yelled back, the loyal personality.
"WE NEED NO RULER ANARCHY NOW!" Sir Ector, the anarchist screamed.
"How cares, I need a hit." Sir Kay, the reason all five are going to die young, snapped
"After Arthur died his sword given to him by the lady in the lake was placed in the stone for safe keeping till his heir could remove said sword." Tor continued ignoring the occasional fighting.
"Shut up and let me pull it." Jamie #3 snapped and pulled the sword out.
"All hail the king! Short live the king." The people chanted.
--------------------
End
Author Notes:
1: What I can't use brand names that would be in fragment, ignore logic please it makes no sense so what if this is Fan fiction and is in fragment by definition? C&C makes several color candies, Red, Pink, Green, Yellow, Blue, Purple, Orange, Tie Dyed, and Puke color.
2: I really know someone who did, it was a dare on a band trip after winning 1st place overall. Needless to say it was funny. Better to throw it up than as the Janitor said, 'your s$ will be on fire tonight.'
3: Line stolen/modified from a friend.
4: Think about it, no Oompa Loompa can leave the factory they don't work for money, they work for food and a place to sleep meaning that even if they could leave they can't save up money to leave with. And all their resources are handled by a central government-like figure.
PLEASE review.
Send in Ideas I have up to chapter 44 planned (Various other spread throughout the year about 117 chapters planned in total, some most might be cut out though) 365 days in a year, 365 chapters.