"Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all." – Emily Dickinson
It's a comfortable feeling the way their limbs are tangled together, bodies snug against one another. Rachel lets her head rest against Noah's chest and listens to the sound of his breathing through the darkness. She had been able to fall asleep easily, a kind of warmth and slumber encasing her the moment her head touched his chest, but it didn't keep her sleeping through the night or the thoughts away.
"I can practically hear your thinking," he murmurs. His voice is grainy, strained and she can hear his fatigue.
"I'm sorry I woke you," she replies softly, "I didn't mean to." Almost unconsciously she shifts her weight away from him as she debates getting out of bed. He lets her shift for a moment before one of his hands snakes over the small of her back and up her spine pulling her closer to him. "Noah," she whispers. His fingers tangle in her hair and she listens to his soft hum and tries to ignore the fluttering in her stomach.
There's always been this invisible line between them, something that she knows they are dangerously close to crossing. The thought of taking that next step kind of terrifies her. Somehow, in some way, he's become her best friend and she can't lose that. She's not sure what she would do if she did.
"Go back to sleep, Rach," he mumbles. His fingers tug slightly on the ends of her hair and she finds her eyes clenching tight as she takes a deep breath. She can't help but wonder how much different they could be, how much more they could have if they really tried. And that thought gives her all the courage she needs.
Rachel tilts her face towards his in the darkness, their eyes meeting. "Noah," she whimpers. He shifts slightly and she can hear the rustle of her sheets with each move that he makes. It's quiet, a kind of heaviness settling in the room around them. She feels the breath that escapes his lips just before they brush against her forehead and then her chin and she can't help the way her eyes clench tight.
Then he leans down and gently brushes his lips against hers.
It's soft, tentative at first. His hands wrap in her hair, pulling her tighter, closer and she moves her hands to his shoulders, her fingers digging into the flesh as she braces herself. Her head feels hazy, full of all these thoughts and emotions that she can't put into words. She shifts closer to him, her hands pulling more of his weight down on top of her.
There's something burning in Noah's eyes when he pulls back, his breaths echoing in the air around them. He looks at her for just a moment before he lowers his mouth down against her neck, his lips burning the skin as he moans her name. "Rachel."
"Noah," she cries, her hands shifting to grip at the back of his neck. It feels like he's consuming her, every part of her. His fingers sear her skin as they untangle from her hair and run down the length of her arms. He twists the bottom of her tank top, his fingers running along the bare skin and her body trembles with nerves and something else. She thinks briefly of her scars as he brushes the pad of his thumb across one of them and feels her eyes clenching tight in anxiousness.
"It's alright," he whispers, his teeth nipping at the flesh of her neck as his fingers continue to trace the lines marring her stomach, "it's me and you're safe."
As he moves lower, his fingers tugging the edge of her top up and exposing the marks, she lets out a small sigh. He presses kisses gently along the lines marring her features, her stomach shuddering and her back arching as the cries tumble from her mouth.
She's definitely not afraid.
#
She listens to the sounds of their breathing, the way they resonate through the room, and feels her heart pounding through her chest. It's intense, overwhelming, and she clenches her eyes tight as his name tumbles from her lips and fireworks burst through her body.
He hovers over her for a minute afterwards, his arms shaking as he rests his forehead against hers. He presses a small kiss to the corner of her mouth before he lies down beside her, pulling her tightly to his chest.
"Rachel," he murmurs, his fingers brushing along the sweaty strands of her hair, "thank you for trusting me."
They fall back asleep entwined.
#
The sun is shining brightly through her bedroom window when Rachel finally wakes up. She lets out a small hum of contentment as she stretches out her arms and curls her toes. She can't help but feel surprised at how well she slept, how late she slept. Ever since the accident, sleeping had been an issue for her (as had the dreams that had followed) and it had been quite awhile since she had gotten a truly good night's sleep.
She feels the bed shift behind her and she listens to the rustling of the sheets smiling softly to herself. A small squeal escapes her lips when two warm hands encase her bare stomach and pull her backwards.
"Morning," Noah mumbles, his nose nuzzling her hair. She can feel the heat pooling in her cheeks, but that doesn't stop her from smiling as she rolls over to look at the man next to her.
"Good morning."
He places a small peck on her forehead, his hands playing with the ends of her hair as he looks down at her smiling softly. She's always had trouble quieting her mind and ignoring the little things which is why she suddenly can't help but think about how this changes everything.
"You're doing that thinking thing again," he murmurs, his hands move from her shoulders to her back, kneading the flesh as he watches her. There are still so many things that they have to talk about and there are definitely things that she needs to ask him. The thing is though, the moment feels kind of perfect and she doesn't want to ruin it by diving head first into all the drama of her life.
"Sorry," Rachel can't help the small laugh that escapes her lips, "it's kind of instinctual at this point."
He chuckles slightly, his hand dipping a bit lower on her back. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Maybe later?" she replies softly, "I need to process first." Noah nods his head in understanding, his fingers tapping along the edge of her spine as he brushes a small kiss against her cheek. He burrows his face into her neck and hair, his breath warm against her skin.
"I'm here when you want to talk," he promises.
#
Rachel's not really sure what to expect when Kurt and Mercedes arrive a couple of hours later. The three of them make their way into her living room and she finds herself sitting Indian style on the couch just watching the other two catch up. There are all of these thoughts flittering about in her head and she's having a hard time concentrating, so she's kind of grateful that they don't really notice how quiet and unfocused she's being.
It isn't until they are all sitting at the dining room table snacking on popcorn and pizza that she joins the conversation. She tells them how much she loves (loved) New York and how much it means to her that her Dad and Daddy are moving out to be closer to her. She talks about her roommates and how tiny their dorm room is.
"That's all fine and good," Mercedes tells her, "but that's not really telling us how you're doing."
She takes a sip of her water, her eyes focusing on the paper plate in front of her as she tries to determine how to respond. Sure she has her good days and her bad days like everyone else. But there are also some days where she really isn't even sure herself how she is and those are almost worse than the bad days. It's a new feeling and it's kind of terrifying.
"I'm getting by," she replies softly with a shrug of her shoulders, "living the best that I can." The answer sounds rehearsed, almost fake, and she hates that it comes across that way. The thing is, though, there are still so many things unspoken between all of them, especially her and Mercedes. While Kurt had flown in to be with her after the accident and the resulting fallout, Mercedes had been too busy with school and her internship to make it up to see her. When all of the debris had settled, she and Mercedes friendship had just been one of the many casualties of that day.
"A lot of things changed after the accident, Mer." Kurt replies softly, "A lot of people changed because of it. There are things about the days and weeks following it that I think none of us really want to dwell on."
It feels good, knowing that Kurt has her back and is there supporting her and her decision to keep some things private. Mercedes looks between the two of them for a moment, her head nodding in understanding. Rachel knows that it's probably not easy for her and that makes her all the more grateful. The table is quiet, a sort of heaviness falling over them as they continue to munch on their food quietly.
"I have something we can gossip about," Kurt exclaims after a minute, his eyes twinkling as he smirks at Rachel. "Why don't you, my dear friend, tell us what's going on between you and Puck." She can feel the blush flood her cheeks and listens to Mercedes and Kurt laughing as she tries to figure out how to respond.
"I'm not really sure," she chooses to answer honestly; "he's probably one of my best friends right now which makes the whole thing all the more confusing."
"Admit it," Mercedes chimes in, "You want a piece of that."
"Who's saying I only want a piece?" Rachel replies with a small smile, her hands covering her face in embarrassment as the laughter bubbles from all of their mouths.
#
Everything's spinning around her, spinning faster and faster. She reaches her hand out to try and grab onto something, to try and anchor herself somehow, but everything is out of her reach. There's a scream of terror bubbling in her throat and as hard as she tries, the sound won't pass her lips.
She wakes up with a scream caught in her throat and sweat pouring down her forehead. It takes her a moment to orient herself, to realize that she's sleeping in her living room instead of in the comfort of her bed. There is a faint sound of snoring and she sits up and looks at her two friends as she tries to catch her breath and calm her racing heart.
There are all these images blurring and spinning in her mind and it's so frustrating and confusing that all she really wants to do is scream. She figures a bottle of water is the next best thing. She slides out of her sleeping bag and tiptoes into the kitchen, reaching blindly into the cabinet as her hand wraps around a small glass with a large gold star. She takes a few gulps of water, her eyes scanning the room before she lets out a small sigh.
Her phone is lying on the counter next to an empty pizza box and she looks at the clock for just a second before picking it up, her fingers moving along the keys.
Are you up?-RB
Rachel feels antsy, alert, and as she waits for a response to her message she twirls the cup on the counter watching the item spin in front of her. The star blurs as it twists and turns and it makes something inside of her burn. She stops the glass suddenly, her breathing ragged.
I thought Kurt and 'Cedes were there?-NP
She looks down at the message on her screen, her brow furrowing as she tries to formulate a response. While honesty is almost always the best policy, she's been good about keeping her nightmares away from her fathers and from Noah. She's scarred and it kind of pisses her off that she can't really explain why.
They are. Come over.-RB
It doesn't take long for his response and she looks down at the words with a mixture of frustration and anger.
No booty calls when the friends are over.-NP
It's obvious that he's trying to be light, trying to make a joke, but she's not really in the mood for funny. Needing him, being open and honest with him, it's all kind of new and terrifying and she really doesn't want to have to spell everything out for him. So she pretends like she didn't see his text.
Please come over?-RB
Her phone starts ringing almost immediately and she picks it up quickly afraid the noise will wake her guests in the other room. The first thing she hears is Finn and Artie talking in the background. It sounds like the receiver is muffled and she waits a minute until it clears.
"Hello," Noah's voice is quiet and it's pretty obvious that he's busy and it kind of upsets her more than it should.
"Never mind," she mutters, her voice cracking slightly. She swallows tightly and ignores the way her eyes are burning, "I didn't realize you were with the guys."
"Are you crying?" He doesn't wait for a response before he utters a few curses under his breath. "What's wrong? What did Kurt and Mercedes do?" Finn is hollering something in the background and her stomach kind of flops; she can taste the bile in her throat. She's just wondering if he's said anything to Finn about them when she hears him whispering her name again. "Rachel?"
"I'll let you go," she replies mechanically, her hand snapping her phone shut and then flipping it to silent. By the time she makes it to her bedroom she's shaking. Not sure if it's from the cold or something else she wraps herself in her comforter and sits on her bed, her eyes watering. She hates being scared of something she can't control, of feeling weak.
Her head rests against the headboard of her bed and she lets her eyes close, forcing the thoughts from her mind.
#
There's a feeling of being lifted, her body shifting through the darkness. The comforter is tugged out from around her and she lets out a soft whine, her hands grasping for the warmth it provided.
"Shhh," it's a whisper she can hear through the blackness, "I've got you."
She feels the bed and her pillow underneath her, feels someone moving next to her, and then the comforter is pulled up over the both of them. Two warm arms wrap around her and pull her back, her body flush against his warmth.
"I thought," she murmurs brokenly.
"I know," he mumbles gruffly, "but you needed me." She lets out a small hum, her hands twining with his as they rest against her stomach. "The guys can manage without me, but we're going to be talking about what happened tonight in the morning."
"Kay," she mutters sleepily, "Noah, you chase my nightmares away."
She feels the small kiss against the back of her head and hears the small sigh that escapes his lips. "Night Rach," he whispers.
I know the chapters a little late (and that I'm behind on review replies), but work's been extremely exhausting these last two weeks. Thanks, as always, for taking the time to read. You guys all know how much I heart you, right?
N