Forever and Always

Gas and Air

Severide drove Casey home after the catheter had been moved from his neck. He now had a white dressing taped to his neck where the port had been. There was a huge discoloured bruise at the site but Casey admitted it didn't hurt as much now it had been moved into his chest, hidden underneath his many layers.

"You doing ok?" Severide glanced across to the passenger side.

"Just tired," he muttered as he gazed out of the window.

"We don't have to go straight home, could go out for lunch if you want?" Severide suggested somewhat hesitantly.

"I don't want to go anywhere," he replied, still looking out of the window.

"Matt… this isn't healthy."

"Not sure there's much about me that is healthy," he responded.

"Let's go out for lunch," Severide insisted.

"Let's not."

"You could at least try, what are you even worried about?"

Casey's eyes widened and he shot a glare across at Severide. If looks could kill Severide would have been a dead man. "How about we chop off your leg and see what you're worried about?" he spat out spitefully. "I'm sorry… I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I'm sorry."

Severide shook his head, sighing. "What's going on in that head of yours today?"

"Just the usual shitty mess," Casey replied with a sour note in his voice.

"No, this is different, talk to me, baby," he pressed.

"The future," Casey said simply. "What am I meant to do?"

"Everything will be all right, it's all right now because…"

"Please stop telling me that everything's all right. It's not all right." He shook his head adamantly, his emotions unleashed. "What am I supposed to do now?"

Severide spoke gently and with a hint of determination, he had to make Casey see that this wasn't the end of the world even though everything had changed. "Right now all you need is to be here with me. Over the next few months, over the next year even, you're gonna walk, ok? That's the aim. That's what your focus is."

"I need to do something, I need to..."

"You've done so much, Matt, you are going to recover, and every few weeks or months we'll revaluate the situation, ok? We're gonna live day by day. I'm just going to be thankful that you're still here."

Casey sighed heavily as Severide pulled up to the apartment complex. "I'm being ungrateful and…"

"No." Severide shook his head. "No, you're not."

They sat in silence after Severide switched off the engine, and after a few moments Casey spoke up, "I am scared, scared that there's going to be nothing in the future."

"I'm scared too, Matt. I'm scared you won't get a kidney and I won't get to live the rest of my life with you."

Casey's days were all spent in much the same way. He was alone so much of the time, in his room, just sleeping, sleeping too much for Severide's liking. He was already worried that Casey was suffering from depression, although the doctors at the hospital didn't seem too concerned about it. Severide knew far more about Casey than they did, he knew Casey had suffered with bouts of depression before his injuries, and he knew that this loss of independence and the loss of his career was more than enough to send him into a downward spiral. The doctors decided not to make any assumptions at this stage, they felt Casey's behaviour was all part of the grieving process from having lost one of his legs.

Dialysis was proving to be the easiest part of Casey's life at the moment. All that was required was for him to just sit, something he was accomplished at doing right now. Although he often joked that he wasn't quite that good since it did hurt him to sit in one position for a long time. But then again it hurt him to move as well, so he couldn't win.

Physio was hard, there was no hiding that. Even though he was very fit, or had been before his injuries, it was exhausting mentally and physically for him and he felt like he was getting nowhere fast, although Severide was insisting he would have to wear tank tops for the rest of his life so he could admire his arms.

At home Casey was struggling to do things everyone else took for granted, things he'd never even had to really think about before the accident. Just getting in and out of bed, using the toilet and manoeuvring around the apartment were all mammoth tasks. He was adjusting though, and Severide's modifications to the apartment helped greatly. He was managing to take a shower and wash himself once they had got the protector onto this left leg. and once Severide had helped him to sit on the shower seat. He could wrap his residual limb although he still found it hard to look at the end of his leg, at times when he touched it he could picture his whole leg, even feel it at times, but then it would hit him like a freight train when he realised it was gone and there was no going back. So he tried to push that to the back of his mind.

Eating and drinking was much more of a chore than the pleasure it used to be for him now. He couldn't even enjoy cooking anymore because he couldn't reach the cupboards or the worktops. And so eating just became a necessity, every so often if he would have to refer to some of the leaflets and information the dietician had given him, it was easy to forget what he should or shouldn't be eating. Soon he found it was easier just to eat the same thing day after day.

He still preferred to sleep on his own but made no objections when Severide came and joined him every so often, he just hated the thought of lying naked next to him, his body didn't feel like his own anymore, he felt disfigured, distorted and ugly and he wasn't sure if those feelings would ever change.

After almost three weeks at home Casey was allowed to start bearing weight on his damaged left leg. He struggled with it but he stood up for the first time. His body felt completely out of balance and the metal contraption attached to his leg made matters even worse. Ordinarily he would have been able to bear weight on his left leg much sooner but since all his weight would have to be placed on it the doctors decided to wait until the bones in his leg and pelvis were healing well.

"Well done, baby," Severide had beamed when Casey stood up for the first time. Ty was assisting him, holding onto the webbed belt that was around Casey's waist providing some support and balance for him. Severide was rarely present at Casey's physiotherapy sessions but today was an exception. He knew that Casey liked his privacy at the best of times and didn't like anyone to see him struggle with anything but Severide had asked him anyway, just on the off chance that he might say yes and he had.

Casey had been determined he was going to stand up for the first time and his hands were gripping the bars tightly as he balanced there, helped by Ty. He shot Severide a look at the congratulatory remark. He really didn't want this to be an achievement even though he knew it was. The doctors had told Casey that morning that his leg seemed to be healing well and that some weight bearing for short bursts of time may well do it good in preparation for the removal of the fixator. Casey was sweating and grunting a little by the time he had been standing for a few moments and his arms were starting to shake with the sheer physical effort.

Ty was smiling at him too. "All right, Matt, good, sit back down for me, just ease yourself down, I've still got some of your weight… that's it, there we go. Good, Matt. Really good," he nodded enthusiastically. "How tired are you now? Think you can manage it a second time?"

"I can do more than twice," Casey insisted, breathing heavily.

"I'm sure you could, but just once more and then we'll call it a day," Ty replied as Severide looked on with pride. "What have I said about overdoing it?"

"I know, I know," Casey said as he wiped the sweat away from his forehead.

"Ok, ready when you are. Take it slowly…"

Another three weeks passed by, it had now been over two months since Casey had lost his right leg as the result of the terrorist bomb. He was lying on a hospital bed with a smile on his face as he and Severide waited for the orthopaedic team to come and remove the fixator from his left leg. The x-ray that morning had revealed that the bones had knitted together well and the breaks in his pelvic bones had also healed successfully, meaning that he could soon start learning to walk again with crutches and other aids. But as Ty kept reminding him, he wouldn't be able to walk straight away because they needed to work on strengthening his left leg. The doctors and surgeons still weren't sure of the severity of the nerve damage but Casey was hopeful that the nerves would have healed well enough. Severide admired Casey's positive attitude of late, there'd been a big change in the last few weeks. He seemed to be adjusting to his new physicality, and if he couldn't do something the way he used to he would find a way around it.

After a few minutes of waiting a doctor and a nurse entered the procedure room. "Hi there, Matt, I imagine you don't remember me much, I'm Doctor Patel, I operated on your leg."

"Did you take my other leg?" Casey asked curiously.

"I assisted during the surgery," he replied. "How are you doing? How's rehab?"

"Be better once this contraption is gone." Casey smiled, a little forcefully.

"Well, we'll get started then." The doctor smiled back.

The nurse handed Casey an inhaler attached by a tube to a canister by the bed. "Some gas and air if you need it," she told him.

Casey frowned and exchanged a glance with Severide. "What? Am I giving birth?" He half laughed.

"A full breath of this is the equivalent of 15mg of morphine," the nurse began to explain, "But it works straight away, and wears off very quickly so just have it when you need it, ok?"

"I'm going to need it?" Casey asked both the nurse and the doctor, frowning.

"Hopefully not too much," she replied.

"Hopefully…" Casey repeated with a hint of disdain.

"We'll try and make it as quick and as painless as we can, but you have a lot of pins in here so there will be some pain and there's likely to be some bleeding," the doctor said. "Some may hurt more than others when they're pulled out. Are you ready?"

"Yeah," he nodded, but he wasn't sure he was ready.

"Hey, wait," Severide interrupted, all eyes turned to him. "I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye to it yet... it is kinda sexy." He grinned at Casey teasingly.

Casey rolled his eyes. "Please ignore him," he told the doctor and nurse who were now grinning along with them.

First the nurse cleaned the whole of Casey's leg with an iodine wash. Then the doctor loosened the nuts and bolts on the frame with a spanner and a screwdriver so they could check that his bones really were sufficiently healed to go ahead with the fixator removal. After a quick examination of his leg the doctor was pleased that Casey had felt little pain. Satisfied so far the man then released the tension in the frame and rods before using wire cutters to snap the metal pins that had been drilled into Casey's leg and through the bones to hold them in place. The process took a while since the fixator covered the majority of his leg.

"Woah…" Casey breathed as the lower part of the frame was removed.

"You in pain?" Severide touched his arm in a comforting gesture.

Casey shook his head. "Just feels… weird."

Soon the whole of the frame was removed and his leg was just left with all the silver pins sticking out. The pin sites were cleaned again, just like Casey cleaned them daily at home, to prevent the spread of any infection as they were pulled out. The doctor grabbed a pair of plyers and started to remove wires from Casey's bone.

After the first few were removed from his foot Severide could see the conflict in Casey's eyes as he gritted his teeth in pain. "Matt, stop being so stubborn."

The next time the doctor pulled and twisted the pin Casey used the gas and air. He took a deep breath from the inhaler and relaxed back on the bed as Severide watched a thick trickle of dark red blood follow the pin out of the hole. He turned away, looking directly at Casey's face. Severide had seen plenty of gore in his career but the sight of a doctor pulling metal pins out of bleeding holes in Casey's leg made him pale.

Casey sighed and looked at his leg, he watched the doctor go to the next wire and pull it out, taking another deep breath from the mouthpiece he held in one hand, his other hand was tightly gripping the edge of the bed.

Severide ran a soothing hand up and down his arm. "You're all right, won't take too long now you're using this," he tried to reassure Casey who just nodded and shut his eyes firmly.

It seemed like an eternity since the doctor had started to remove the pins and there were many more to go as he worked his way up from Casey's foot towards his knee. Some of them came out easily and didn't hurt at all. Others were more difficult, brutal even. Each time a pin was out the nurse would clean the area and place a small white gauze pad over the hole, some of which quickly became saturated with blood.

"Fuck…" Casey could help but curse as the doctor moved up passed his knee, despite the gas and air the pain brought tears to his eyes and all Severide could do was try to reassure him with soothing words and touches.

"Do you need a break, Matt?" the doctor asked as the nurse wiped the last hole where a pin had been pulled from.

"Just keep going..." Casey told him through gritted teeth. He just wanted it over and done with.

By the time all the wires and pins were out the white sheet beneath Casey's leg was soaked with bright red splotches of blood. The nurse finished cleaning his leg, wiping it down with antiseptic that stung the open wounds, but Casey was just grateful that the fixator was off and that he could soon get on with his rehabilitation without any more hindrance. The metal plates and pins in his pelvis would have to remain there for the rest of his life, but everything had healed much better than anyone had imagined after such traumatic breaks.

Casey gazed down at his leg, it was covered in small squares of gauze but he could see the scarring on his leg much more clearly now the fixator was gone, his primary doctor had told him there would likely be some scarring particularly where the skin graft had been done on his lower leg, but until now Casey didn't realise how much of a mess his left leg was. It made him think that his right one really must have been completely unrecognisable after the accident.

He watched as the nurse covered his leg from foot to thigh in fresh gauze dressings. Then she wrapped a white bandage around it in a well-practised weave until his entire leg was covered up. "You need to keep these bandages on for the next few days, the aftercare instructions say to change them once a day but I'd advise you to change them at least twice because of your higher risk of infection," the doctor explained as he and the nurse cleared up the debris from the procedure.

"Yeah, we'll keep on top of it," Severide said, his hand still by Casey's side.

"Well, you're going to be sore for quite a while and there'll be a lot of bruising but your normal painkillers will help deal with the swelling," the doctor told Casey. "Ok, now before we put the brace on I want to do a couple of tests, all right, Matt?"

"Nerve damage?" Casey questioned simply.

"Yes, but I'm not worried that there will be any significant damage," the doctor said as he placed one of his hands against the sole of Casey's foot. "Now, can you just press your foot against my hand?"

Casey used all the strength he had but he knew he was having little success. He sighed, he had hoped for more once the fixator was off. "I'm not really doing anything, am I?"

"Your left leg probably has less strength than a kitten right now but you've got to think what you've been through, your whole leg was partially reconstructed, it's gonna take some time to get the strength back, we're going to help support it with the brace for a while to help you," the doctor explained, "The brace isn't going to hold your leg in place like the fixator, you'll be able to use your knee, it's just a supportive device."

"At least the leg's still there." Casey shrugged, downhearted at the lack of strength. He had expected more of himself even though everyone had been reminding him how weak the leg would be.

"You will get stronger," the man reassured him.

Next the doctor lifted Casey's leg an inch above the bed and asked him to hold it there as long as he could. Casey couldn't hold it at all, he apologised and Severide gave him a quick reassuring smile, letting him know everything was ok. After the doctor finished examining Casey's leg he nodded with satisfaction.

"I'm really happy with all this. Matt, everything looks as good as can be expected with the injuries you received. I'll get you an appointment with the prosthetist, he'll get you sorted with a temporary prosthetic," the doctor smiled, "Hopefully that'll mean we'll have you up and about soon."

"Already?" he questioned, finally relaxed now the pain had mainly subsided.

"You've still got a long road ahead and you're still going to need the wheelchair for some time," the doctor explained, "I'm not going to sugar coat it, Matt, using a walker or crutches with or without the temporary prosthetic is going to be exhausting, even with all the preparation in your physio sessions. It's going to be hard work but I'm sure you'll get there."

Later that day Casey was sprawled across the couch with his left leg lying across Severide's thighs as he watched the TV. But Casey was paying no attention to the programme. Instead he was gazing at Severide's face studying every little thing about it, his perfect green eyes, his beautiful profile, his lips, his hair. The man he loved. The man who loved him back unconditionally even though he felt that he was no longer deserving. Casey couldn't help but smile as he watched him.

"Will you quit staring at me?" Severide complained with a teasing flash of his eyes before he looked back at the TV. "It's a little unnerving," he added.

"I can't help it," Casey retorted, "You're perfect."

"I thought that gas and air was supposed to wear off immediately," he said as he looked down into Casey's face with one eyebrow raised.

"Oh, it did, don't worry," Casey told him, grinning.

"You're not in pain now are you?" Severide questioned with concern, "How does your leg feel?"

"Very light," he replied half-jokingly.

"Not in pain?" Severide repeated the unanswered question.

"It is sore but a load of metal was yanked out of it earlier," he said, smiling still.

"Your other leg?" Severide asked as he glanced down at Casey's residual limb. Shay had altered the black joggers he had on so there was just a small tuck under the end of the leg. And underneath that was the wrap he had helped Casey with that morning before they had gone over to the hospital to have the fixator taken off. Severide had also given Casey a massage to help relieve his aches and pains that morning. It was also a good way of helping to prevent scar tissue building up in his residual limb and causing any problems in the future. Plus it gave Severide great enjoyment, he loved giving Casey a massage, he always had.

"Not really much of a leg is it?" Casey grinned.

"Maybe not. But I gotta say I'm proud of you," Severide began, speaking softly, emotion in his voice. He had wanted to tell Casey that for weeks now, because it was the absolute truth. Severide was incredibly proud of the way he was handling things now. Not that he'd expected any less of Casey. He had been certain in his own head that Casey would cope successfully with the physical demands of his injuries, and now he seemed to be on top of his emotional state also. His depression and low moods appeared to be lessening and his general state of mind had improved greatly since he had been discharged almost two months back.

Casey's infectious laugh broke into Severide's thoughts and brought him back into the room. "Aw thanks, dad."

"Very funny," Severide retorted dryly. "But I really am proud of you. Had me worried for a while but you seem to be coping ok now?"

"He says questioningly..." Casey chuckled. "But I guess I am. Thanks to you."

TBC