A/n: Hmm…not many people reviewed the last chapter. I wonder why…? But to those who did, I love you guys! As awesome as always, my reviewers~ to my silent readers, thank you too…
Hmm… anyway…I think the cliffhanger on the last chapter was kinda way too shocking and sudden, huh? I thought it was supposed to be a suspense scene. –shrugs- well, whatever.
And not to mention, all this time, I forgot to mention that when Allen conversing with Lavi, Lenalee and Kanda, they use English. And Lavi use both English and Japanese when he's conversing with Kanda. Since I never mention it before, I guess I have to use it now.
"Japanese"
"English"
Now, on with the story~
…
Blindly in Love
Lavi's Diary –Part III
…
Two days…
It's been two days since I last seen Allen after the date.
After that night, I haven't seen him, not even a glimpse. During the two days, my schedules have been crowded and busy with practice for the upcoming performance, and doing autograph and shooting the rest of the day. Whenever I have the time, I will pass that music store owned by Komui just to see a glimpse of Allen but it seems like he didn't come to work. When he asked Komui, he just said that Allen has taken a few days off.
He didn't say anything else though and it made me worry for Allen's wellbeing. And it made me disappointed because I wanted to see him so badly. But also, in a way, I was glad I have the time to be away from Allen. Not because I didn't like him or anything, that's just ridiculous because I even said that I might, in a possible way, love Allen.
It's just, after that night, I have been feeling guilty.
I had acted based from my memory of my beloved best friend rather than based from my feeling towards Allen alone so I had been feeling bad. I just made things more complicated for myself rather than finding the answers and solutions that I needed. I've been frustrated with myself lately too because the memory of Al and Allen just made me happy.
Am I selfish?
Am I just thinking of myself rather than them?
I always say about my feelings and my views. Never had once I asked Allen how he really felt. I was still uncertain about what he said that night, that he likes me too. Maybe he just said that because of the atmosphere or he meant it in a friendly way or maybe he just said it because I said it first. I mean, he was blind and yet he returned my feelings despised not knowing how I look like. I mean, how do he believe and trust someone he can't see.
Didn't he feel wary at all? How did he do it?
I guess from his point of view, the world he sees is transparent. He didn't judge nor value people from how they look, dress or talk. Be it harsh, soft or simply dead tone, maybe to him, the way he sees people are based from the feelings. His senses are sharp so he can tell how that person's feel. Or just that he's as sharp as his senses.
Sigh…
I don't know…
I'm confused and I'm in doubt, both for mine and his feelings.
I do like him but…do I really like him more than a friend just because the memory of Al's resurfaced? Was my feeling really was toward Allen or it simply my longing for Al that Allen has triggered that make me believe that this feeling was for him.
I don't know and I'm feeling guilty for doubting my feeling and his.
I just didn't want to give false hope and hurt both of us.
Since Yu-chan had to stay in hospital after breaking his ankle during the performance, I have to visit him from time to time. He might didn't show it but I can tell that even he will get bored. If I just leave him to himself, who knows how much frustration he will keep in that body of his.
And I know I'll be the source of his satisfaction on getting rid of those frustrations.
And no, it's not in sexual way.
Willing to shove the dark memory of me and him in bed naked, I get into my car and drive off to the direction of the hospital. I sighed in annoyance, remembering how stubborn he was during the concert.
I still can't believe he tripped over his own feet and sprained his ankle. We were panicked and concerned of his well being but he just brushed it off and glared fiercely at us, saying that it was nothing and he can handle it. He even dared to threaten us with his guitar by pointing it at us, me specifically, and said that we better finish it early or he will definitely gonna kill us all if we make him pissed even more.
Seriously!
I can't really concentrate on singing our new album song during the concert knowing that Yu-chan has been struggling to keep him up and played the guitar like nothing is wrong. He even moved like his foot was fine! But when we're done, he simply opened his shoes and massaged his swelling ankle, clearly made it worse as he broke it during the performance. We have to rush him to hospital then when we saw it was also bleeding.
Damn Yu and his high tolerance in pain. Not that mine is low. He's just good at ignoring it than me.
A-h… I'm so tired of this.
Ever since I met Allen, my life has been changing so fast and so many things had happened. I wonder how a single person can make your life so…chaotic, maybe not visibly but internally. There're so many emotions swirling in my heart and so many thoughts playing in my mind.
Why does he remind me of Al so much?
Al and Allen are so different in many levels. Al was rude while Allen is polite, Al was boyish while Allen in a way is feminine, Al has dark brown hair while Allen has white blonde hair, Al was healthy as a horse while Allen…well I didn't really know if he have any health problem other than his sight, Al was energetic while Allen is calm and soft and mostly was the way they talk. Al always used words that are sometimes harsh, rude and just plain sharp. He always said whatever he has in his mind, not afraid of voicing them loudly. Allen…his words always polite and soft, so gentle and fragile and he also seems to keep everything to him inside, only voicing what he thought was appropriate.
They are so different on so many levels and yet in a way…they are so similar.
Especially their eyes
I've been thinking for the past few days I'm observing Allen and come to one single theory, which I somehow secretly hoped it become a fact, that Allen is Al. It makes so much sense but at the same time it didn't. It sounds ridiculous at the same time it sounds reasonable.
Whenever I tried to find a proof of Allen being Al, the pros and cons will always be balanced out. It frustrated me to no end.
I park my car and get outside, locking the door and walk towards the hospital. I really need to take a few days rest rather than keeping my mind running all the time, especially since for the past weeks. It felt as if I've known Allen for a month when in truth it's been only about a week.
Time seems to fly so slowly when I'm with him.
I walked to the direction of Yu-chan's room when I remember that I need to go to the vending machine since I haven't have my breakfast and decided to take a drink here. As I walk back to the lobby, someone had bumped into me, making me startled because I didn't see this person walking towards my direction either. He was short…with white hair…
…an old man running around in hospital? What in the world had gone into?
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
Ehh…? That voice…could it be…?
"Allen…?"
He raised his head and showed how surprised he was when I said his name and I almost chuckled if not for the way he stared at me, making my heart going crazy, deafening me and making me nervous and yet at the same time, I felt calm and happy.
He takes a hold of my hand and closed his eyes, shielding it from the world. He smiled softly and something gripped my heart at the sight. He looks so innocent, so naïve and trusting, so honest…and yet I doubted his feelings for me. I even blame his feelings for the memory I've been having about Al and that his feelings are not true, and mine were just an illusion of my love towards my best friend and take it on him.
The guilt gripped my heart painfully, as if I had betrayed him. I didn't like it.
I smiled and hug him tightly. How lucky I am for meeting him and for him to accept me as his friend and have feelings for me even though I know, I'm sure, that we're both still confused about it but it doesn't really matter for now because having him this close, makes me really happy.
I noticed that his eyes look different. Somehow, there's more shine in his eyes than usual. And it seems that as if he was staring at…me?
"Allen…your eyes…"
He looked sheepish and told me that he can see now. This Allen, who was blind two days ago, now can see. He has his eyesight back! I don't know what to feel, happy that he can see but also missed him for being blind.
I don't even know why but maybe because when he was blind, the way he look at me, it makes me feel as if he can see me alone in his world and I take pleasure in knowing that. It makes me feel special to Allen but now that he can see, there's not just gonna be me in his world but also the rest of the world. It kinda makes me feel sad.
He told me that he was here to do some checkup on his condition and I was glad that he was ok. I missed him a lot for the past two days and now seeing him, it relish the feeling of worries and missing him, to the point it make my heart fluttered with so much happiness.
"Lavi-sama…could it be that he's your boyfriend?"
I turned wide eyes at the nurse, who was working at the reception desk, and opened my mouth, only to have nothing coming out. She giggled and I blushed slightly, noting how much I look like an idiot with my mouth opening and closing like that.
"N-No… he's just a friend!" I wave my hand dismissively, feeling my smile twitching.
"Oh, okay!" she giggled again and I know for sure she didn't believe what I said. "It's just that…he looked so happy when he sees you and you return the same feeling towards him, Lavi-sama."
My smile almost dropped when what she said finally registered in my mind, gripping my can of coffee tightly in my hand to keep me from slipping from the world. He's really happy at seeing me, huh? I smiled at the nurse and put a finger on my lips, signaling her to be silent about it. She blushed and nodded her head, a determine expression on her face.
I will keep it secret from the fans, Lavi-sama! She mouthed, and salute towards me to emphasis that she's serious. I almost chuckled at her enthusiasm.
Yaoi fans… she's definitely a fujoshi.
Being famous and well known for my singing is one thing, being friend with son of a well known International Award doctor is another thing. I sighed in dejectedly, feeling a slight headache coming on just by thinking of Yu. He's such a stubborn bastard, that Yu…
I walk towards the direction of Yu's ward when I turn my head in reflex, to see the direction where Allen had gone off to only to widen my eyes in shock. There…a man leaning against the wall…is someone I know. I know him…so familiar…
He turn his head and stare at me with a glare, a frown marred his face, showing his anger as red as his hair. We stare at each other for a few seconds more before he moved away from the wall. My heart beat so fast that I have to clutch it to calm it down, as if it thinks the owner is going to die. I almost jump when the man simply walk forward towards a door, slide it open before disappear inside, away from my view.
My breaths become labored and my vision hazy, feeling the gears in my mind working so fast that it made me dizzy. That man was leaning against a wall at the hall where Allen had gone off to, he walk towards a door and disappear inside, and from where from I stood I can faintly see Allen's white hair and most importantly…the look of anger and loath that crossed the man's face.
He knew me… I'm sure of it.
Cross Marian…
Calming my breath, I open the can and take a big gulp of the cold coffee, feeling the cold liquid slide down my esophagus, making my body shivered. I let out a sigh and stare at the can in my hand, crushing it in my grasp. I don't know if I should feel happy and glad or become to hate and despised the person who I came attracted to. I can feel my heart clench painfully in my chest, feeling the ugly betrayal clawing itself to me, whispering harsh and hurtful words.
Allen is under Cross care. And Cross is someone Al introduced to me before, six years ago… no, seven years ago when we met. Cross is Al's father's friend.
Allen somehow triggered my memory and feelings about Al. The feelings I have towards Allen somehow resurface the longing I had about Al. And lastly…the similarity of Al and Allen…
Everything seems to crashing down on me and I struggled to keep myself up, leaning against the white wall for support when my legs feel wobbly as I came to one single, yet doubtful, realization.
Has Allen been lying to me all this time?
The sense of betrayal is still there, clawing at my heart, whispering doubts and insecurities at the discovery but I brush it off. Leaning away from the wall, I walk towards Yu's ward, my body felt cold and numb and…
…hurt
It hurt so much…
But despite what I feel, there's this uneasy feeling I have. It doesn't make sense, it says, that Allen is blind all this time and didn't know anything about me, as if he didn't recognize me at all… as if this is the first time we met…as if he lost his memory…
Sighing deeply, I try to compose myself, putting my usual happy face as I entered Yu's room, watching him in amusement when he look shocked, his eyes widen slightly and he hastily put his phone away on the nightstand beside him. It's no use to feel doubt and think clueless like this. I guess…I have to pay a visit to my uncle Bookman. All my old things are still in his house after all.
"What's with you, stupid rabbit?"
I shook my head and take a seat near his bed. For now, I will keep my feelings for Allen. For now, I will accept him. For now, I will…trust him.
"Nothing," I said, smiling at Yu. "I was just a little irritable for not having any breakfast because a certain someone texted me at six in the morning" –when any sane person would still asleep or just woken up for doing their daily morning routine, not woken up harshly and rudely, then only to be putted in a panic stricken mode, and have to hastily make their way to get dress and drive away to the one who woke them, only to finally realized said person is actually a bastard- "and demanding me to come because he's feeling lonely and bored." I made sure to emphasis those words to tick him off –since I'm pretty sure he can't hear my thought in between- and I was proven victorious when Yu turned his head towards me, oozing dark auras.
Yu growled, his eyes flashed with anger as he glared at me, his hands twitching as if wanting to grab something. I inwardly laugh inside, loving the expression. "I'm not lonely nor am I bored, you rabbit!"
I laughed and teased him for the rest of the hour I'm with him, feeling myself to be calm for now. The rest of the conversation felt like a blur to me. That is, until he said those words about Allen. Keeping my composure, I can feel my lips twitching and my eyebrow furrowed slightly, when I utter words of confusion, flinching slightly as the words of lies leave a tingling burn on my tongue.
No… it's not entirely a lie, I whispered to myself. I still didn't have a proof of Allen's true identity, of his motives and purpose, of everything that happen for the weeks we've known about each other.
"It's not like I love him…" I feel myself whispered the words, no emotions latched in the words I had uttered, as if I'm detached from the world and I'm somewhere far in my own little world. But somehow, those words send pang of utter loneliness and pain to my heart, twisting and clenching said organ in the most painful way. My breath becomes labored and I have to clutch my head as my vision started to swim.
It hurt…
It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt.
"Lavi…? Lavi!" Yu shouted but it felt so far away. So far away…
The last thing I remembered was a pair of pale blue eyes looking at me, akin to hurt and lost showed in those eyes, a lone tear slide down, leaving a wet trail down the pale flushed cheeks, before utter blackness grabbing a hold of my very sight.
"Allen…"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Voices
And darkness
I'm surrounded in darkness and…
…voices whispered to me. So soft and almost comforting…
I can't comprehend what they say. It sounds slurred and indistinguishable.
"Lavi…"
Where am I?
"Wake up…"
When I open my eyes slightly, somehow deep in my mind, I was expecting a pair of familiar pale blue eyes greets me, a smile etched on the pale pink lips and a small blush marred the pale cheeks. A kiss will be presented on my chaste lips as a greeting gesture of good morning. But when my mind finally cleared up slightly, everything come crashing down to reality; there's no beautiful pale blue eyes, no soft loving smile, no blush on a pale skin and no morning kiss –just reality.
A harsh reality where it pained me so much like a dagger craved my heart, piercing the flesh open and steals my very love and soul for someone, letting the blood of salvation dripped to the black and endless oblivion…
Allen…
"Oh… he's waking up," a familiar feminine voice said. I heard some shuffling and something cold pressed on my forehead before it disappear and instead went to my hand, pinching the pulse at my wrist. I almost grimaced and flinched but my mind is so fogged up that I can't think of anything. I feel like crying though I don't know why. What was that just now, anyway? An old memory…?
If so then why did I feel like I'm going to break…?
Wasn't it supposed to feel wonderful and full of happiness? Why did I feel so sad, then?
"Hn," the familiar grunt of Yu presented itself like cold coins given to a poor child. I almost smiled at that.
Finally, I open my eyes fully, flinching at the harsh lights. I cover my squinting eyes, grunted at the sore feelings of my body for lying on a stiff and hard bed for a long time. When my eyes finally adjusted, I remove my hand and stare at the people surrounding me. I found Yu-chan right away, staring down at me with irritation with a tiny hint concern in his eyes, his hands crossed over his chest in intimidating manner. I give him a slight sheepish smile before turn to look at the beautiful woman standing a few feet away, wearing a white coat with a stethoscope draped around her neck.
"Aa-h, hello Kanda-sensei!" I greets her in Japanese and with a smile, and she returns it with one of her own.
"Hello, Lavi-kun," she replied. "How are you feeling?"
I grinned brightly and give her my trademark peace sign, "Never better… though I'm confused on why I'm in Yu's bed…?" I turn confused eyes to Yu –who was still staring at me with those eyes- only to meet with silent, sending off uncomfortable shivers run up my spine. Yu…?
"It seems that you fainted, Lavi-kun," Kanda-sensei replied, oblivious to the suddenly tensed atmosphere. "I heard that you've been busy for the bands and all, but please take care of yourself and eat properly-"
"Enough, mother," Yu spat harshly, lowly in heavy accent of Japanese. "He doesn't need you to speak endlessly when he clearly knows how to take care of himself. Now if you please, leave us alone."
I watched with blank expression when she simply nodded and bowed her head, before make her way out. When she slide the door closed, our eyes met and I know she understand the meaning underneath my gaze -I'm sorry for that…- and she simply smiled softly in understanding.
"You did it again," I hear Yu whispered softly and I turn to regard him. He's still staring at me with those eyes and it makes me frustrated somehow. In those eyes are sympathy and something akin to disappointment, and I held the growl that threaten to escape from my sealed lips by gulping the lump in my throat. I hate that look. It's the look that Uncle Bookman always throws at me.
…and my parents who abandon me
Putting on a strain smile, I tilt my head to the side. "What do you mean, Yu?" I watched as his eyes shifted back into its usual cold and expressionless facade –I almost sighed in relief at that- and turn his gaze away with a mumbling "Tch". I can see his hands are trembling, trying to control his anger, trying to hold it and restraining it from him doing something –like hurting me- and just settled for clenching and unclenching of fists.
"Don't play dumb, you stupid rabbit," he gritted his teeth, letting those words flow in between of clenched teeth. "You're always like this! When you're in pain, you always like this!" he growled out, his fist shaking besides him.
I can practically see the smile slipping from my face, and changed into a deep scowl. I furrowed my eyebrows and stayed silent, sealing my lips tightly. I can feel the headache coming again and the blurry images coming from my vision, indicating that I'm going back to a state of hyperventilating. The blackness at the edge of my vision crawled itself to the center slowly, taking my consciousness away. I'm slipping… I'm slipping again… A soft sensation on my lips jolted me back to reality and I widen my eyes in shock.
Yu move his lips on mine, his hand threading itself to my red hair, inclining my head forward and I unconsciously comply. It's just a simple kiss, no tongue and no movement –simply just a touch of lips with a sense of calm and contentment. He moved away and I open my closed eyes –I don't remember closing them- and stare into Yu's dark eyes. He smiled his small rare smile and I give one of my own back to him, feeling my body relaxed and sighed softly. Yu retreat his hand and sit beside me on the bed and we stayed silent just like that, no words were uttered and just basked ourselves with each other's warmth.
"You do know well what I'm talking about, right?" he whispered softly, crossing his arms. His face didn't show any anger and his eyes didn't show those sympathy and disappointment –just a look of concern and stoicism. I smiled and lean my head on his shoulder. I can feel him tensing at the gesture before relaxing –my guess is he decided to ignore it- and I sighed.
"Not really…" I honestly whispered back, feeling my eyes dropping. "I don't really know. I have a hunch but I don't know how to see it as."
He sighed irritably, his body slowly tensing. "When you're depressed, you tend to go into a state of hyperventilating and stand still before you pass out. I noticed it only happen when you're in so much pain and sorrow. Maybe it's your way of defending yourself?"
I hummed in thought, never once did I think it that way. "You mean as in defense mechanism?" I feel him nodded his head and I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and deep thought. It's a way of me protecting myself from further emotional injuries? Did this happen before? Maybe because of an old paranoia and bad memory…
"Hmm…Maybe…" I sighed, whispering to myself but I know Yu can hear me –and decided not to say anything- so I just let it slip.
After a few minutes of silence I decided to let Yu rest –since he's the sick one here, not me- and bid him ja matta, before walking back to the lobby in daze. I faintly hear someone call me and I turn to see it was the female nurse from earlier, her face showed concern and slight panic so I stop and waited for her to stand in front of me before I ask her what happen. What she said next send shivers of panic and dread down my body.
"Lavi-sama… the boy with white hair," she said, her voice quiver slightly but I didn't take any notice of it. …didn't dare myself to take notice of it. "He was here an hour ago so I thought maybe he's waiting for you but…"
"But…?" I pressed on blankly. I'm tired of this. Tired of these feelings, tired of the feeling of worries, tired of me feeling depress and running away from everything.
"But he seems to be crying when he sat there near the window so I was wondering if something happen between you two. He looked so shocked and his eyes are red and puffy. He looked terrible, Lavi-sama…"
I turn my head and stare at the –now- empty chair by the window and walk towards it and sit on it. A wave of emotions suddenly filled my body and I closed my eyes. I'm tired…
"L-Lavi-sama…? Are you ok?" the nurse asked. "Why are you…crying?"
I touch my cheek, feeling the wetness at the base of my fingers and trace the trail. Allen is also in pain, isn't he? I'm not the only one who's in pain so there's no need of me trying to run and hide anymore. Not anymore…
I'm tired. I'm so tired for running away.
It's time for me to stop and look back to see those who I had hurt and leave away behind. Maybe I can't go back and retraced my steps… but I can at least wait a little and take a light step, one at a time.
It's no use of being alone again, for running away and hiding from everything. It's time to accept and fight.
If I give up now, Allen will be left with no protection. If I run away, he will be left behind. If I hide, he will be lonely. If I keep doing this, I will end up hurting him more than helping him.
I need to end this.
Wiping the tears away, I smiled reassuringly at her. "I'm fine… I just…finally I came to know his feelings. But that's not enough. I need to understand him and his feelings. For now, I will trust him."
"Etto…Lavi-sama? I don't understand a word you said."
I chuckled and shake my head. "I'm fine. Thank you for informing me. Ja!" I stand up and walk way towards the automatic glass door. As I step outside, the warmth of the sun hit me comfortably and I sighed in contentment before walk to my parked car. There's only one tow destination I have in mine, my old house –where Uncle Bookman lived- and Allen's apartment. Both places have answers to my doubts and questions.
For now…I will keep these feelings.
Because I know Allen did the same too…
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A/n: A-nd CUT! What did I just cut? The scene of course! –chuckled darkly- Whew, there're so many emotions in here than the previous chapters I've been posting, huh? I even cried on certain scene… if only I can express Lavi's and Allen's feelings more…
But one thing I'm too shocked about and I almost left speechless at what I found. Along the turning of the life and relationship of our beloved characters, I noticed that Lavi and Kanda kiss more than Allen with Lavi! WTH! D: This story is supposed –no, this story IS- to be LAVEN! GODDAMNIT! –pull hairs out in frustration- if this keeps going on, I might get bold!
Er…anyway, review!
P.s: Did you guys watch/read No.6? Did you guys notice the two main characters somehow strikingly resemble Allen and Kanda? It's as if it's their AU person, with different name. Their personality is same too like Allen and Kanda! It's as if it's a story purely made for Yullen! LOL!