I'm hurrying to get this up before work, so apologies for any mistakes. Thanks to pook and threesummerdays who reviewed the last chapter. Moving on to series 9 now...

January 3rd 2010

I am a world class idiot. I'm sure my ex-wife has been telling everyone that for about twenty years, but not until today did I really believe it. It was Ros's funeral today. A little late, but she had requested the church she wanted the service in, and it was a tiny little country one which wouldn't do a funeral over Christmas and New year. Today was the first day they would do it. We respected her wishes, and it was a nice day to get out of London in spite of the occasion. I drove down with Ruth, but we didn't speak much. I think neither of us knew quite what to say.

During the church service I felt Ros's loss keenly. She was a good member of the team, but more than that I considered her a friend. Its awful to see her life cut short like this. Ruth did a reading, one I did not recognise. Listening to her voice I realised a very slight echo of what it might feel like if, God forbid, this were her funeral. I'd go insane. Just the thought of losing her like this, to the job or anything else for that matter, I couldn't bear it. She returned to her seat next to me, a slight breeze blowing the scent of her hair towards me and in that moment, I made a decision. A decision which could well affect the entire future of our relationship. My only defence was that I thought it was a good idea at the time.

Once in the grounds, the sun was shining brightly, even though it was January. Ruth approached me saying she needed to talk, clearly she meant in private and I smiled at her, walking to the edge of the grounds, leaning up against the fence. She spoke about Ros, but I didn't want to talk about her. So I changed the subject rather drastically. I asked her to marry me. I could tell from the way she didn't look at me, looked anywhere but at me that she hadn't been expecting this. Whatever else, but not this. She stalled for time, saying this was the wrong moment. Foolishly, I didn't tell her several things that might have made a difference. I didn't tell her that I love her. I didn't tell her that I can't imagine my life without her. Instead all I told her was that I didn't want her to die alone. All three statements are true, but I should have added either one of the first two.

Unsurprisingly she said no. The surprise was in quite how much I found it to hurt. Even with my awful timing, I do think that she genuinely considered it for a few seconds. It's a fleeting hope I have to hold on to. I do pray that I won't be kicking myself for the rest of my life for having chosen the worst possible moment to propose. I hope one day she'll be able to see beyond that, but it will not be today. The disappointment was clear on my face, I know that. Especially when she brushed aside talk of work, telling me it could wait. I encouraged her to go on anyway.

She told me that Nicholas Blake had been in the inner circle in Nightingale. I couldn't believe it at the time but she was utterly convinced and gave me a file to read through. Her best guess about anything is usually better than most sureties in this business, so the fact that she's one hundred percent convinced about this politician tells me all that I need to know. I will read the file, but if she's telling me about a former friend of mine being a traitor, she must know it's the truth.

Without saying anything we met up with Lucas and Tariq at the local pub to have a drink to Ros's memory. Ruth wouldn't look me in the eye and she seemed barely there, so lost in thought was she. The others noticed but said nothing. I'm sure they were looking at me too and wondering what had changed between us. But of course no one mentioned it. We never talk about personal feelings on the grid anyway. And I'm sure this will be no exception.

January 6th 2010

Dimitri Levendis started work today. He's the new candidate we've pulled in and he's more than adequate for the job. He's got an easy way about him that slightly reminds me of Zaf. He's friendly and gets on well with the team already. He has one flaw, also a flaw of Zaf's I hated at the time. He's flirting with Ruth. And I can't say anything because the reason I hate it is personal.

I made a plan to deal with Blake today.

7th January 2010

I went up to the Highlands today. Carried with me was a bottle of poisoned whisky and it didn't take much scheming to get Blake to drink it when I arrived at his house. He realised once he took his second sip and asked how I found out he was a traitor. I said one word which seemed to sum up so much. Ruth. He called her brilliant plus an insult which I'm not going to repeat.

Driving back down to London I realised this was only the second time I'd committed murder. I've killed people, hundreds in this job, more if you add my army career to the total. But I only consider myself a murderer in one instance. Now two, if you add today's crime. Arkardy Katchimov, who was responsible for Adam Carter's death was the first one. I shot him at point blank range because we all wanted revenge for the death a good officer and a better friend.

Nicholas Blake gave the order to bomb the hotel in December, and in doing so killed Ros Myers. I lost two friends in this horrendous way, and I have reaped revenge twice over. Not the right thing to do, maybe, and most definitely illegal but I don't care. In my own twisted version of truth and justice, it was the right thing to do. I don't regret it.

Absently, as I drove back to London I wondered how much Ruth would be disappointed in me, had she known the truth. It's a thought I don't like to dwell on.

Thoughts?