Chapter X

"Hey, Orochimaru-sama! I finally figured out that jutsu!"

"Oh, really? Heh. Then won't you be good enough to show me?"

"Yeah yeah! And then you've gotta teach me something new!"

"Will I? Perhaps...or perhaps not. I suppose it will all depend on how well you perform the Sen'eijashu, won't it?"

"All right! I'm gonna give it my best shot! Here it goes...!"

Umino Iruka sat on top of the gigantic stone head of the beloved Yondaime Hokage. From his vantage point overlooking the village, he could see the rooftops of every single building in Konoha. With the sun setting directly behind him, the ninja village was ablaze in golds and reds that weren't merely the results of the change in seasons.

Iruka's mind, however, wasn't on the splendors of the view. His troubled thoughts revolved around the name of a man who was considered only slightly less diabolical than the infamous Orochimaru; the 'Fallen Prodigy' of Konoha, Uchiha Itachi. The man who had slaughtered his entire clan save one merely to test his strength. The man whose ascent into legend had been nearly as meteoric as his fall into darkness. Or so it had seemed.

All of it was...is...a lie? Clumps of brown hair poked out from between the fingers of Iruka's hands, fisted as they were in his hair as he struggled to come to grips with this most grievous paradigm shift.

Iruka had known Itachi briefly, back in his hunter-nin days, when the tales had come trickling down through the ranks that a prodigy of unprecedented skill and power had been inducted into the ANBU corps at the tender age of thirteen. Iruka, still working to clear his name of 'disgrace' at the time, had been the one unanimously chosen to put the young upstart in his place.

It hadn't really been a fair battle; Iruka had three years of experience in the ANBU hunter division, while Itachi had been a newly-appointed Jounin. A talented one, but clearly no match for the last Umino. The scarred Chuunin had even been planning on taking it easy on the boy; after all, he know exactly what it was like to be looked on with distrust and suspicion. But then Itachi had made some cold crack about the 'no-talent know-nothing with no family'.

Iruka didn't particularly care what the snotty wet-behind-the-ears brat had to say about his skill. Iruka was one of only two ninja in Konoha at the time who could go toe-to-toe with Jiraiya, physically the strongest of the Sannin, and he knew it. And as for the insult to his intelligence? Easily dismissed; Iruka was well aware of his faults, and a lack of knowledge was not one of them.

But mocking the fact that the Kyuubi had taken his family? That was something to take offense to. Iruka completely annihilated the Uchiha, who had to spend a week convalescing under intensive chakra therapy, earning the scarred man a temporary suspension from duty, along with several off-the-record pats on the back.

In hindsight, it had almost seemed to make a macabre kind of sense that the cold, disturbingly detached boy had the potential and drive to eradicate his clan. He had been reviled, despised...hated as the worst kind of traitor.

Only now it was revealed that the single-minded ferocity which he had unleashed upon the proud bearers of the Sharingan had been done so on orders from the revered Sandaime Hokage himself. What the entire village had considered the most heinous crime had, in fact, been the staunchest form of patriotism ever seen within the walls of Konoha.

Uchiha Itachi was no traitor, and had willingly taken the burden of the mass execution and blame upon himself in order to protect his village. And now Iruka had to kill him.

Iruka didn't particularly like Itachi, but with the revelation of the Uchiha prodigy's real motives behind his 'great crime', he found himself almost admiring the younger man.

Shaking his head, Iruka looked down at the object laying benignly by his right knee. The ceramic mask was cast in the stylized image of a wolf's head, an animal with whom he felt a solitary kinship with.

"Back in the Hunter-nin, hey?" he muttered, picking up the item and turning it over in his hands. "What an unfortunate thing that is. And for such a terrible reason..."

"Heyyy, Iruka-kun," a woman's voice purred from behind him. "You're all mopey. Does widdle Iwuka-chan need a hug?"

"Not the time for this, Anko," Iruka muttered as his girlfriend flopped down beside him, legs splayed indecently wide. The purple-haired woman snorted.

"Jesus, Umino," she teased, "you're certainly cheerful. Somebody shoot your dog, or are you just PMSing?" Throwing her arm around the scarred man's shoulders, she grinned madly. "Now, you can either sit here being a little bitch about whatever's got your panties in a bunch, or you can let me be the star in a one-man Kage Bunshin bukakke home video. I'll give you a minute."

"I'm being sent out into the field, Anko," Iruka said morosely. After a second or two's worth of stunned silence, he added reluctantly, "after Uchiha Itachi."

"The fuck? Aren't you supposed to be on permanent furlough from active duty?" Anko sputtered in disbelief.

Iruka snorted. "Supposed to be, yes," he said dryly. "But then, the council wishes what the council wishes. The bastards."

Anko stared at him searchingly for a moment, her gaze hard. After a few moments, her eyes narrowed in realization and her jaw clenched.

"It was Homura, wasn't it?" At Iruka's answering nod, she bared her teeth in an impressive scowl and shot to her feet. "I'll kill that fuckhole!"

Iruka's hand grabbed her forearm and pulled her back down as quickly as she had risen. "Anko, I don't like this any more than you do. Less, even," the scarred man lectured, "but I am a ninja, and I'll do what I'm supposed to do."

"But Itachi?" Anko asked incredulously. "Why him? Why you?"

Iruka shrugged. "Short answers are because he's a risk, and because I'm strong enough to take him. The full story is something I can't talk about...ever." He shook his head. "I will tell you that things aren't exactly what they seem, though, and I'm not looking forward to this."

Anko fell silent, a startling rarity for her. It was almost five minutes before she spoke again. "When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow. First light, in fact."

Anko grimaced, annoyed. "Any way of getting out of it?" The look Iruka gave her in response was withering. "Guess not," she sighed.

"No," her old teammate confirmed dryly. Iruka looked out across the village, taking little pleasure in the magnificent sight.

"Anko," he said quietly, "I could very well die on this mission. Itachi's incredibly powerful, and he's a lot smarter than I am." He sighed. "I just want you to know-"

"Shhh," Anko said almost gently, placing her finger on his lips. "You tell me when you get back, alright?

Iruka met her gaze purposefully, as if trying to seek out the reason for her delay of what was so obvious to both of them. She stared right back at him unflinchingly, and he eventually caved.

"If that's the way you want it," he agreed, and she nodded somberly in response. The light from the sun was almost gone before Iruka pushed himself to his feet, his girlfriend mimicking him immediately.

He almost lost his balance though when she asked plaintively, "Can we fuck now?"

Author's Note: Sorry that this chapter is so short, and that this author's note is so long.

I've had a few people ask me as to why I chose 'the dolphin' to make a secretly Sannin-level retired ANBU. This is for several reasons, only a few of which I will reveal here. Iruka is an extremely underdeveloped character in the Narutoverse; he really only appears in canon as a moderately competent, well-meaning pseudo-father-figure for Naruto. In essence, his one major accomplishment to date was to reaffirm Naruto's faith in Konoha by showing that he was cared for and trusted. Aside from that, Iruka is a blank slate.

(Frankly, I'm cynically positive that Kishimoto is going to kill him off. What other reason could there be for someone whom Naruto loves, yet is almost totally ignored in the story? Naruto's emotions are invested in Iruka as a son loves his father, but the lack of perceivable development prohibits most readers from sharing in that bond. Classic 'kill-the-beloved-mentor' setup!)

But it is precisely that lack of definition that makes Iruka so versatile a character to play with. Of course, most fanfiction authors are completely unable to think past the 'slightly stern somewhat goofy Chuunin who's fond of Naruto' characterization. But who is Iruka? Who were his team-mates? Why is he never truly seen in combat (and his sole attack being a Naruto-esque head-butt)? Who was his teacher? What are his accomplishments?

RANT ALERT

I have to admit, though, that the idea of having Iruka be a heavy-combat specialist who was on Orochimaru's team is not original. I was inspired by a single fanfic, the name of which I cannot remember, nor can I remember the author. But that was the sole exception to the father-figure mould Iruka is constantly shoved into, if you don't count that obscene character-rape caricature that is the 'I-secretly-hate-Naruto-no-wait-he's-really-Kyuubi-the-bastard-fox' Iruka that is most often employed (rather badly, at that) for the sole purpose of getting Naruto out of Konoha as its implacable enemy and a dark angel of vengeance upon the country that scorned him when they should have (various author's suppositions, not my own) 'worshiped at the Altar of the Great Uzumaki, Child of the Beloved Fourth Hokage'.

Blech.

Now I'm all for divergences – hell, my favourite pairing for Naruto is to put him with Tayuya, of all people! Maybe I just like redheads...anyway. I'm fond of divergent stories, I can't stand Hinata pairings (with one or two truly fantastic exceptions), but there is a point where the chasm becomes so wide, so obscene, so ridiculous in its premises and conclusions that by all rights it should be labeled either as a parody or as an original concept altogether! Change, alter, shift, and split all you want, but keep it rational. If it is fanfiction, it must rest on a foundation already set forth by someone else, so hold to some basic canonical tenants!

Fact: Danzo is not the devil. Dark, yes. Pure, unadulterated evil? No. Stop making him the 'end boss', so to say. In the long run, he's just not that important!

Fact: Sasuke is an unrepentant bastard, and a filthy traitor. Yet I don't think he is irredeemable. Unlikely, not impossible. But there is no way in hell that Konoha would forgive him his treachery. I read a lot of fanfics that operate on the premise that the entire town is desperate for the acknowledgement of their last Uchiha. NOWHERE IN CANON DOES IT EVEN IMPLY THAT SASUKE IS SEEN AS SOME SORT OF GOLDEN CHILD! Yes, I'm sure he benefits from his connection to the Uchiha. But no, he is not some sort of civilian boy idol, so knock it off! Even more than Konoha reveres its vaunted bloodlines, it loathes those who would turn their backs on it.

Fact: Pre-time-skip Sakura is a twit. Plain and simple. Until she gets off of her boy-crazed arse and puts some effort into it, she is a waste of space. She, however, also has the drive and the will to break out of her self-imposed folly, so she's not completely hopeless. And for the record, she is fond of Naruto, maybe a little bit more than a team-mate, perhaps as a kind of 'adopted brother' of sorts, and even at the beginning, her 'hate' would be better deemed 'childish pique'. I'm not a big Sakura fan, but the next person who makes Sakura a Naruto-hating pitchfork wielding Sasuke-bint is going to get a hubcap shoved up their rectum sideways. At worst, she's immature, but definitely not evil!

Fact: Naruto is always going to be a bit of a duffer, no matter what. He's not book-smart, and it is highly unlikely that he ever will be, but he is the epitome of instinct. He believes in people, even those that have let him down. He doesn't have the sort of temperament that will let him become 'supercool-dress-in-black-assassinman-dude-thingy'. And yes, he's a physical powerhouse. Chakra-wise, I think he could take any two or three Kages on and win if he had adequate training. BUT HE IS NOT A NINJA GOD. He's always going to be some putrefyingly cheerful ray of marshmallowy sunshine with a salted noodle fixation. END OF STORY. Curb his temperament, push it in different directions, cast it in a different mould, anything, really, but STOP fucking it over! The foundation is already set, so stop trying to build on a lump of elephant dung.

Fact: If Naruto and Tsunade know each other, they are going to love each other. Just as Naruto (no matter the circumstances) is always going to be Naruto, so will Tsunade always be Tsunade. Notwithstanding the fact that her character is set in stone long before the series subjectively begins, Tsunade and Naruto have a genuine fondness for the other. Whether this is because of the tragedies that both have gone through, or whether it is simply because Naruto reminds Tsunade of her long-since-dead younger brother, Tsunade has latched onto the boy with a vengeance, and the affection-starved Naruto has done the same. I don't deny that this can be toyed with, tweaked, and altered into any particular degree desired, but the relationship is there because Tsunade and Naruto are who they are. To sever the bonds or to deny them existence in the first place would necessitate the destruction of either of their spirits or the death of one or the other. Neither situation is desirable, and it is only under rare circumstances that any leeway towards this sort of action would be tolerated.

RANT OVER

I also have some people asking me as to whether Iruka is stronger than Gai. The answer is YES. But Gai still has a perfect mission record, while Iruka does not. Strength and skill is only part of the package, and Iruka's failing is planning and setup. It's part of the reason that he never made it past Chuunin.