Author's Note: I've realized that I'm cranking these out so fast that I'm not putting in nearly enough detail. My writing's starting to get sloppy and that's not fair to you all. Therefore, I'm probably going to start posting every couple days (especially for complicated chapters). I'll try to post as frequently as possible, my apologies! Anyway, prepare for a LOT of feels in this chapter. ***I don't own Death Note, only my OC's***

Chapter 10 - Evil Plans & Bloody Secrets

I skirt around the edge of the simple white swan fountain, releasing Mello before he can fall in. He rounds on me, blonde hair flying in his face, "STOP DOING THAT!"

I look back at the porch; I thought L would go back inside, but no. I had apparently interested him too much because he's sitting (well, crouching) on a deck chair under the porch, analyzing all of us. Well, if nothing else, he gets a break from constantly working. As soon as that thought reaches my mind, I find I could care less that he watches, happy even.

We all come to a stop. Near, Matt, and Mello join the other kids in the shade of the oak tree. I stand on the slight rise above the main lawn, just in front of the fountain. "Alright, who wants to play?" There's a deafening roar from the 15 or so kids on the lawn. I notice that more than the original children are present, meaning they had heard about the game and come out. I smile, slightly impressed that word had traveled so quickly. Damien and I flinch at the volume. Geez, these kids are loud! "Axel, ball?" Smirking, he tosses the red dodgeball to me.

I have the attention of everyone, and I do mean everyone; I've never been one for leadership. I shift uncomfortably before shaking myself, Come on, M! You're friends with quite a few of these kids! Axel nods up at me, ball-and-chain earring swinging. Lady, looking elegant as ever in her leotard, ballerina bun, and now bare feet, smiles gently. Shayna, bright blue eyes sparkling with excited curiosity, hops from foot to foot. Near twirls his hair, watching me from the corner of his eye. Matt grins cockily, awaiting the rules. Mello has crossed his arms and is looking off into the distance, but I see his eyes dart to me occasionally. Damien peeks up from behind my skirt at me with a kind of soft admiration. I smile as I continue my thought, If the rest of them are their friends, how terrible could they possibly be?

Feeling a new sense of confidence, I pull my ponytail tighter. Since most of these kids are younger than 13, I'm going to have to explain this in simple terms. I ask everyone, "Ok, have you all played monkey in the middle?" There are some murmurs of 'yes' or nodding from everyone. "Ok, this is basically the same thing except reversed! Two people are 'it', a team that's going to try to tag you with this ball." I hold the ball up before pointing at the newly painted squares. "Those squares are the only places you're safe! Whenever you think you can make it to the other base without getting tagged, you run as fast as you can to the opposite square. The two teammates will be tossing the ball back and forth, trying to work together to tag you with the ball." I glare pointedly at Mello, "However, this ISN'T dodgeball. You can't throw the ball at anyone!"

Mello's jaw drops, "What kind of a rule is that?" All of the kids giggle at him, turning away quickly as his head whips around to them.

I look down at him with a pitying face, "What's wrong, Mello, can't handle it? This rule makes it more difficult to tag people!" Mello's mouth snaps shut, eyes burning with the challenge.

I smirk before continuing, "If you're tagged by a member of the team, you switch out with that person. Anything else that comes up can be dealt with when it occurs. Simple enough?" Including the successors, around 20 heads nod at me.

I see a few uneasy looks cross a few faces who are now looking to the space at my right. Confused at this, I turn to see what's frightened them. I almost fall into the fountain as L nearly scares the stuffing out of me. His left hand shoots out and catches my back, saving me from a very wet landing. The children burst into laughter at my near-disastrous fall. I smile, glad that the tension at L leaves them. I turn to him, "Want to play, L?"

Everyone waits with curious expressions. I doubt that L's ever played a game here, let alone watch one. He smiles at the children before his gray-eyes meet mine, a glint of amusement in them, "No thank you, I think I'll just watch." I nod at him, and look back at the kids to find them all smiling now. Even Damien seems to be at ease.

I look down at him and ask gently, "Do you want to play or watch with L?"

Damien looks up at me, uneasy with all of the eyes on me; I nod in understanding. I take his hand and transfer him to L. I feel my heart melt as I see L smile gently at Damien as he clutches L's jeans. Damien smiles back. Shaking myself, I turn my attention back to the situation at hand.

I raise the ball again, "Alright, who wants to be it?" The lawn is full of children bouncing up and down with different levels of vigor. I stare with mock concentration at the crowd… and spot opportunity to stir up trouble. I look at L who meets my gaze; I smile evilly. His eyes widen in surprise. I turn back to the crowd and call out, "Axel!"

"YES!" He crows, storming to the front of the group. He bounces excitedly up and down, looking to me for the assignment of his partner.

With a devious glint in my eyes, I point dramatically at my chosen one: "MELLO!"

The piece of chocolate he had just bit off falls to the ground, "WHAT?!"

Axel loops his arm around Mello's, undeterred. He lets out a whoops and hollers into his reluctant teammates ear, "YES!" I swear I can see Mello's hair blowing in the wind from Axel's cheering.

Everyone bursts into laughter, I even hear a quiet chuckle behind me. I turn back to the source to see L quietly laughing at the plight of his most temperamental successor. First sleeping, now laughing? This is L, right? I realize that the bigger deal I make at him doing normal things, the less he'll do them. I simply smile at him; I want to hear him laugh more. Matt and Near also look like they're having a far better time than they've had in ages. Matt is laughing hardest of all at Mello's distress; Near is laughing quietly, curling his hair gently.

Beyond ready to get this party started, I direct everyone else, "Alright! Everyone get on one of the two bases! Oh, and NO SHOVING PEOPLE OFF THE BASE!" The kids scatter, splitting into two groups. Ignoring Mello's spluttered denial, Axel drags him off to stand in front of a base before sprinting in front of the other.

I decide that I'm probably not Mello's favorite person at the moment, so I choose to stand on Axel's base. After safely landing on the base with Near and about 8 other kids, I toss the ball to Axel, "BEGIN!"

It's chaos.

Axel crows and drives the ball at Mello. Snapping out of his daze, he manages to catch it before his face can be imprinted with the ball's texture. Kids immediately sprint to the opposite base; Near and I decide that running toward an infuriated Mello isn't the best idea. Mello ignores the kids running around him, only having eyes for Axel, "HEY!"

Axel whips his head from side to side, watching the kids run past him, "You're letting them all get away! Pass it back, pass it back!" Seeing how wild this game is about to become, I'm suddenly very glad I'm wearing pants and not a skirt.

Mello's blue eyes blaze from beneath his bangs, "YOU WANT IT?! TAKE IT!" He drills the ball at poor, naive Axel. The ball comes zooming towards us; in a flash of panic, I dive to the ground, taking Near with me. The missile slams into Axel's forehead before bouncing off into the distance.

I spit some grass out of my mouth and raise a battle cry from the ground: "RUN!" Children sprint everywhere; they occasionally knock into each other, but they're all laughing. Lady and Shayna nearly collide but manage to evade each other, giggling all the while. I help Near up and we start towards the other base. Axel takes off towards the ball, desperate to catch up to it before it bounces too far. Knowing it'll piss of Mello, I smirk and simply stroll to the other base, no hurry in my step. Mello grinds his teeth and looks about ready to strangle me.

Near has made it to the base already and I try to follow, only to find Mello in my way, "You!" I swear I see smoke coming from his ears, "You started this!"

I smile up at him, "Yes I did! Isn't it fun?"

"F-fun?!" He splutters, "This is ridiculous, it's a waste of time and-"

But I, however, had heard Axel approaching with the retrieved ball. I cut him off, "Mello?" He's so furious and stunned at being interrupted, that he stops, "Sorry!" I duck. The ball shoots over my head and drills into Mello's face.

There's a tense silence as the ball rolls a few feet. I look up at Mello's now red face, feeling a twinge of unease. It's broken by the deep voice watching on the sidelines, "M?" I turn to look at L. He's smiling, but warns me, "I think it's best if you run."

I dart towards Axel, desperate to make it to safety. "OH NO YOU DON'T!" I feel the ball go whirling past my ear, almost taking it off. Axel catches the ball, grinning wickedly at me as I screech to a halt. I'm trapped between the two evils that I created. I back away from him as he takes a swipe at me with the ball. The kids look on, shouting words of encouragement. L looks on in amusement, a gentle hand on Damien's head.

Unfortunately for the boys, I have had far more experience with this game than than either of them. Knowing that Mello has reaction time far too quick for me to get past, I half turn towards him in a fake. Axel falls for it. He pelts the ball at Mello while I spin on a dime and sprint back to Axel's base. The kids make room as I charge onto the base. Cheering erupts, but Mello now has it out for me.

For the next hour, kids are sprinting back and forth; some trying to stroll as easily as I do, but typically panicking and running the rest of the way. Because of my quieter approach, I'm not sweating nearly as much as the overenthusiastic younger children. Shayna gets tagged by Axel, allowing him to run. Although Mello doesn't yell at the younger kids he's paired with, he's quickly getting more frustrated. Matt only throws more fuel onto the fire, slipping in a teasing comment here and there. Near bows out after a while, going to stand with L and Damien.

Everyone's having a good time, even the furious leather-clad blonde. Mello's competitive spirit may have stopped him from quitting before, but he would've walked off long ago if he was truly miserable. I had even offered to swap with him, but he declined, muttering something about not taking charity from anyone.

Although almost every kid has gotten a turn at throwing, Axel's so reckless that he and Mello are the most common pair. Finally, after a particularly fierce attempt and fail on Mello's part, kids collapse on their backs laughing, exhausted. I laugh with them, having such a good time I don't notice that the wraps on my arms have begun to come loose…

While we play, L has retrieved a cake for himself. I'm surprised that he's stayed for this long; I thought he never left his work for very long. Near has pulled an action figure from his pocket and plays with it, looking up occasionally.

As everyone catches their breath, I look at Damien. He's looking curiously up at the cake on L's plate. Following my gaze, L meets Damien's eyes, who looks away shyly. L smiles gently, plucks the strawberry off the top, and hands it to the small child. I swear I could faint from the adorableness of it all.

To everyone's dismay, the game is pulled to a halt by the lunch bell. Some kids miraculously gather enough energy to sprint to the Dining Room; others struggle to their feet, smiles still on their faces. Lady walks up to L, takes Damien's hand, and walks him up to the house.

I feel a sense of accomplishment at getting everyone into an activity together. I lay back down on the grass, staring up through the oak leafs. I hope we can do that more often! Even L got a break from his constant work.

"Hellooooo?" A gloved hand waves in front of my face, orange goggles blocking out the sunlight.

I smile up at them, "Hi, Matt!"

I sit up, seeing that L, Mello, and Near are waiting for me (poor Mello looks exhausted). Straightening my red sleeveless shirt, I get to my feet. A strong breeze blows past all of us.

Everything had been going so well.

My bandages whip off my arms.

Matt takes a step back. Mello stiffens, mouth open slightly. Near drops his action figure, eyes widening. L's hands fall out of his pockets, endless eyes staring.

I quickly back into the oak tree. I kneel down on the grass, bending over my arms, desperate to hide them. I breathe in through my nose, out through my mouth. I will not pass out! I WILL NOT! I hear footsteps approach, I don't want to deal with this! I shoot to my feet and turn to run- WHAM! A gloved hand slams into the tree next to my head, shaking the branches above us. Mello's face is quiet and serious, "You're not running away from this… Not this time."

I refuse to meet his eyes; I turn to go the other way. The next hand doesn't make the tree shake like Mello's, but it's firm and decisive. Matt speaks, "For once, Mello's right."

I hear 2 pairs of bare footsteps approach through the grass. I just can't look at any of them. You're weak! You know that you are, and now, so do they! With nowhere to go, sink back down to the grassy carpet. It's silent as the raven-haired man crouches down in front of me, "Let me see."

My arms tighten around each other; I pull my legs tighter to myself, "No."

I feel the light touch as he reaches forward and wipes a small tear from my cheek. I stiffen; I hadn't realized I had cried at all. I look up into his eyes, but there's none of the pity that I had feared. I only see the will to understand, this time not for the sake of gathering information, but because he genuinely cares. I've got to be wrong, L couldn't… care for me, could he? I feel a flower of hope bloom at the possibility. A lightbulb bursts to life in the back of my mind- before shattering on overload at the realization: I'm in love with L.

I'm uncertain, teetering on the edge of my decision.

I feel a small hand on top of my head. I look up at Near, "Remember what I told you before, M? I think now's the time, at least a little bit."

I sigh and nod. I get slowly to my feet before turning to Mello, "You're right Mello, I can't run any longer." He nods at me, approving. I step away from them into the sunlight. Drawing in a deep breath and, plucking up my courage, I turn around.

I outstretch my arms. Slices of varying length crisscross in no particular rhyme or reason. I rotate my arms slowly. The slices spiderweb up and down my arms. Most of them are a darker, feathery shade of my skin tone: clearly old scars. Others were white, standing off the skin; particularly deep. Some are an angry red. Recent. Very recent. Even words are carved in jagged, quick strokes. STUPID. BURN. UGLY… DIE.

I hear a whoosh escape everyone's lips. "My God," Mat mumbles.

Putting my mask back on, I smirk bitterly up at L, "What's your analysis, L?"

L steps forward, taking my right hand. I can't read anything from his expression, no shock, no smugness at being proved correct, nothing. He runs his fingers gently up and down the word 'DIE'. "You have serious PTSD, anxiety, and a history of anorexia that's almost certainly still be present. You have high defensive skills, react to loud noises, and stare into space. That's plenty of evidence for PTSD. You meet people's eyes with difficulty and don't like the spotlight. That takes care of the anxiety. You don't eat and are approximately 75 lbs. Anorexia." It was a shorter answer than I had been expecting. I thought he was going to go on and on about how he deduced everything, but no… He sounds almost sad to say any of it.

Knowing it's not the time to get caught up in teenage girl fanatics, I chuckle darkly, "Spot on as usual." I slowly trace the marks on my left arm; everyone is silent, waiting for me to continue. "I'm not going to tell you specifics. I'm not going to throw a pity party. I'll only say this: My life back where I came from wasn't easy, at home, school or otherwise. There's never been any real peace or stability in my life. The events that happened to me gave me anxiety that's so bad that, if I'm overwhelmed, I black out. It's caused my immune system to weaken considerably. My arms… well…"

Near gently prods me forward, "Whatever happened to you, it hurt too much, didn't it?"

I nod, turning towards the fountain. I watch the water gently arch out of the swan's mouth, curving backward, up, down, sliding between it's wings, rolling down in elegant groves to the pool below. An endless, never-ending pattern, almost as beautiful as numbers in my puzzles; everything has a place and a predictable rhythm…

"M?"

I'm jerk back down to earth, back to face the nightmare that I can never seem to escape. I sigh, reach up, and pull my hairband out of my hair. My curls fall gently down my back; they drift softly in the wind. Needing something to do with my fidgety hands, I begin to braid it, "It hurt so much that I- I stopped feeling. I stopped feeling happy, stopped crying, stopped getting angry. I had to or I would go insane. But then… I forgot how to feel. I wanted to feel something, anything… I-" I can't bring myself to look at them. I just stare into the water, "I started to lose my mind…" I pause, "I had to drop out of college, I couldn't get a job, I couldn't handle society. I was just trying to stay alive and sane when I ended up here."

I scuff my foot on the grass, gently brushing my toes on the blades. I turn back to them, laughing weakly. I can't meet their eyes, "Well we just had quite the game, you guys should probably eat lunch before you work on that case!"

They ignore my statement completely. Looking at them, I can tell that they're busy taking everything in. Matt seems to be struggling, "But… but you- you were so happy! You dragged the ENTIRE population of this orphanage to play a game that you had to lead! It doesn't make any sense!" Mello puts a hand on his arm as Matt moves to step forward, shaking his head.

I shrug, "I can't explain why I feel so at home here. I guess… I guess I don't feel like you all are strangers." L's eyes flicker with recognition at the point he and I had discussed in our private interrogation.

I can tell that they need a moment to absorb all of this, so I go looking for my bandages. Stepping into the shady trees, I look for the long white ribbons. I wonder if they'll talk to me after this… Will they send me somewhere? Or will they just kick me out? Maybe it's better this way! I don't believe that, I truly don't. I finally find the bandages up against the base of a tree. Picking them up, I begin to re-wrap my arms. Well if L liked me before, that's gone. I stare at the gate a few yards away. Maybe I should just leave. Maybe they'll let me this time…

Sighing to myself, resigned to my fate, I finish wrapping my arms and slowly walk to the fence. L's been distracted with me since the beginning, he doesn't have time for it. His successors need to concentrate on being the next L. But I'll miss everyone… They're all such good kids! Sorry I couldn't say bye… I stare up at the top, once again grateful that I'm wearing pants. I reach out towards the fence-

A slender white hand catches mine.

Black hair tickles my face, "Where do you think you're going?"

I don't turn. I should have expected this; I know Mello, Matt, and Near have also come. I relax my arm, but he doesn't let go, "Guys… I don't belong here. You all have a lot of stuff to do and I'm just something else to worry about. You don't need this kind of drama, no one does." I smile weakly, "I'm alright, I'm fine! I don't belong here-"

L loosens his grip, allowing his hand to fall to mine. He squeezes it, "It seems like you're trying to convince yourself more than you're trying to convince us."

I don't know what to say.

"AUGH!"

I leap a foot in the air at the exclamation, whipping around so fast that my hair smacks me in the face. Even L's eyes are a bit wide at Mello's outburst, putting an around my shoulders. I feel the nerves along my shoulders tingle at his touch. I know he must not know much about physical contact, but it soothed me, pushing my heart rate back down. Being so close to him, I can smell the light scent of strawberries.

Mello, meanwhile, runs a furious hand through his hair. "You idiot! You're not a distraction!" His face goes scarlet. I listen, surprised, "Look, I know what I said before, but I didn't mean it! We're not obliged to do anything! You think Matt played games with you because he was obliged? You think Near's so concerned for you because he's obliged? You think I played that God-forsaken game because I felt obliged? You think L, the typically indifferent genius, watches you all the time because he feels obliged?"

Matt stepped forward, "What he's trying to say, M, is that you may have been here only a little while, but you clearly make a difference. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little shaken, but not for the reason you think. I'm not scared, I'm sad that such a kind person has had so much grief."

I can't help it, I roll my eyes. Mello storms forward, ready to give me a piece of his mind. The quietest, yet most commanding voice of all speaks, "Mello." He freezes. L turns to me. He's so close that our faces are only inches apart. I look up into the surprisingly kind dark eyes, hanging on his every word, "We didn't take you as our own personal charity case. As Mello said, we don't feel obligated, we want to help you. You've been able to reach through to those children more than anyone ever has. You got them to laugh, to run, to enjoy themselves beyond their everyday work. If I'm not mistake, and I rarely am, I'm certain that you've made more than quite a few friends here. Do you really think that they won't worry about you if you leave?" I internally wince as he says 'you' and not 'we' or 'I'. What is wrong with me? Get your head out of the clouds! He turns back towards the lawn, tugging me with him. "There's not much time left for lunch, it's about time we got back."

I follow him numbly, eyes wide. Near keeps pace next to me; Matt and Mello follow behind. As we emerge from the trees and approach the fountain, I finally stutter a few words, "I-I d-don't understand…"

A small hand lands on my back and pushes me gently forward. I look at the fluffy white head, only an inch shorter than I, "Don't you understand yet, M? We are your friends."