Finding History with your Flame

Chapter 10: Of A Gift and Her Trademark

Original Concept: ZUN and Shanghai Alice

written by: wrathie

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Author's Notes: Thanks for your R&R, I won't be updating Shrine of Gensokyo for a week or two due to it having spoilers =3

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He must have known he was going to die, I knew that… but it does not change the fact and lessen the pain that is ripping through me right now.

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I had totally detached myself from the village, not going to school, not even stepping out of the house as I sat at home pining for him.

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I did leave the house ONCE, just once… and that is to attend the funeral and to share in the village elder's silent mourning for three days.

I was crying throughout the first 2 days but on the last, my tears had ran dry and I was a hollow shell, unable to cry or even to show any hint of emotions at all.

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Life is cruel…

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[… is it worth it?]

I find myself asking the same question over and over again as I sat in my home, not carrying about anything. Life seems meaningless now…

With him, my 'new' life was gone and I was reluctant to go back to my previous life of being at school, barely interacting with the people and returning home to rest…

Nothing seemed right…

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Having tasted love once, I have changed… perhaps… allowing emotions to be born inside me was the wrong decision after all.

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I had asked the same question before:

For such a fleeting moment of happiness, is an eternal life of hardship and unease worth it?

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Was it worth it?

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[… hmph.]

Hearing a voice in my room, I spun around only to be greeted by the immortal girl, who was sitting on my windowsill as she glared at me.

Her bluish hair shone in the moonlight and I slowly got up, bowing to her.

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[… hello…]

[… why are you still behaving in that way?[

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Asking me, she shrugged when I just gaped at her, unable to do anything else besides that as she jumped from the window sill to my table and sitting on it.

Her cool confidence was still present and she grinned coolly as she took one of the amulets she had given me and stuffed it into her pocket.

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At least, she is one part of my life that seemed unaffected…

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[I saved you, know that.]

[… I know… I've heard…]

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She saved me from the fire, I do not blame her for doing that… but in the process, she has been labeled as the starter of the fire. A youkai with abilities to manipulate fire is the most logical culprit and seeing how fast she ran away, they immediately accused her of being guilty of her crimes.

It was only after I pleaded with them that he would not have wished for this right after his death did they stop the search party.

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It made me proud that he would be so accommodating to youkai but even that thought made me cry as I sniffed slowly as I nodded to her.

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[H-hey…]

[Yes?]

[I… I want to erase history…]

[?]

[I… don't want this to happen…]

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If I had known… if I had known before the pain that I would feel after losing him, I just, just could not bear it…

It is painful, so painful that I could not bear it…

Every single detail that I can associate with her made my heart ached. From the smallest of objects like the brush on my table to the burnt down school that he and I spent the last moments together.

A ghostly image of him smiling at me would haunt me every time I wake up and I would wish, wish with all my might that it is just a bad dream and everything was not real… his death was just an illusion and not reality.

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In the middle of the night I would cry out his name, flail madly to find his comforting hand, how he squeezed my hands as he talked to me.

I have never, never experienced such pain before like my heart was ripped apart and that a part of me had just died with him.

Depending on him unconsciously, he had truly stolen what I held most precious to me…

And so…

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[If I erased history… would I not feel this pain?]

More like a statement than a question that I posed to her, I wondered as I felt my youkai powers flood my entire body.

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Youkai will always cause disasters, humans will never trust youkai

Just like those minute differences between us, humans will never be together with youkai

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[This feeling of pain… would it disappear if I remove history… if I never accepted him… would I… would I… not feel that pain?]

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[Ya know, he's really an amazing human, in many ways.]

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Breaking my flow of thoughts, I looked at her for a moment as she looked disappointed at me.

Lately she has been popping by every single day, whether talking with me or just sitting with me at the wee hours of the night.

I enjoyed her company but I somehow manage to like it more when she did not speak. I wish I could have her confidence, her ability to just place a strong front in front of her.

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[Really amazing… he is… especially regarding this.]

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Pulling out her flute, my heart jumped and stopped at the same time as I looked at the item and when she prayed, I just felt my heart rise and fall according to the tenure of the song.

It is the one and only thing that he taught me… her song…

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[… he's a genius… Really am…]

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Remarking to me as she stopped halfway, at the point where she usually stops, she grinned as she pointed to the instrument on my table, the flute he gave to me before continuing.

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[He learnt that from me… all of it, in three days.]

[W-What?]

[Didn't you know that? I made that song up… no one would know how to play it without me teaching him.]

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Grinning, she said no more as she took a heavy drink of the sake that she brought with her.

Di-Did he contact her… just to learn how to play… no…

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[H-How did he…]

[Oh, how did he know me? Simple.]

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Grinning, she replied me simply and easily with one sentence.

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[He had me with three words: 'let's. be. Friends.']

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… it was…

I … I just can't describe the mixture of emotions I was feeling now.

Was it awe, embarrassment, pride, or anger?

Am I at awe at his simple but effective message?

Am I embarrassed at his tactless words?

Am I proud of how confident he is?

Or… am I just angry at myself for avoiding the most obvious thing in the world.

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[He… went after me after I took you down and… well, he made quite a ruckus.. he was mad, oh yea he was mad. VERY MAD]

Laughing, she took another swig of sake before raising her foot to rest on the table and staring at me.

[But he cooled down and told me that… he's an amazing human… he learnt that from me… ya know, prolly to teach you. Not that I minded but, I wAS surprised…]

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What she said later just did not reach me, my mind was just going through what she had just told me.

He was in regular contact with her and he gave me the chance to make up with her… every single thing that I did, he anticipated it… he knew that she liked that song… he must have known I would hear it somehow and… just planned all this…

[… no…]

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I should be mad at him for lying to me, I could be mad at him for hiding the truth from me, from not telling me that he knew her…

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But I could not… I… I knew… that I could not…

The same thoughts I had when I met her must have crossed his mind as he considered that plan…

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[…he just wanted me… to reconcile with you… right?]

[Who knows… … what I know is… he… never wavered.]

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Looking at me seriously, she stood up, walked over to me and patted my head just like what he would have done if he was still here.

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[He will not want to see you like this. Not once and never will he want this.]

And with that, she was gone again.

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[I… What have I done…?]

Thinking those dangerous thoughts… what have I done?

[… …]

Clutching my own hands, I felt my whole body go limp as I feel to my knees and just sobbed at my insensitiveness.

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[Smile for me…]

[yes…]

[and live…]

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Even at his dying moments he never forgot his promise, to love me, all of me and till his last moment he never regretted knowing me.

Every single moment with me, every single conversation we had whether at odds with one another or not… every single thing that we exchanged… he held that to his heart till the end…

[He… he loved me…]

[And I… I…]

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Love him…

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[… how could I ever do that…]

Erasing our love… how could I even imagine that… no, that the thought had appeared in my mind is preposterous in the first place.

To remove everything we have done together is erasing all that he had showed me, all that he had taught me… all the changes in my life he had brought me… all of it, just gone. The good with the bad…

[I… betrayed his trust in me… how could I ever imagine doing such a thing in the first place…]

My own hands felt cold even to me and I slapped myself repeatedly to try and drive that beastly thought from my mind.

[Stupid…]

I can never forget him, the happy moments we had… everything we shared together…

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[He would have wanted this… never to regret this… and never to forget this…]

Closing my eyes, I reached my hand out and just for a second, I swore I felt someone squeeze my hand slightly.

[Thank you… for everything…]

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The next day I left the house for what seemed like eternity and walked straight towards the elder's home. If there was anyone more devastated then I am, it would be his family.

He was their son and to have him leave at such a young age must be a terrible blow. Coupled with the fact that he was their only son would only make that worst…

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[…]

Standing in front of their home, I hesitated for a second in knocking on the door. He never did once blame me for the accident… but he must have felt unhappy that the both of us never got hitched and spent the nuptial night together…

[….]

Would he hate me for that? For not giving his son and him the chance of seeing our son or daughter? It might well be a distinct possibility and I recoiled in fear at that thought.

[… should I…?]

Raising my hand, I nervously knocked on the door and waited for a reply. The village elder's home was tiny compared to mine who had it's own yard as it was just a small house with four rooms and before I could decide on flight or fight, he had answered the door.

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[Ah.]

Words failed me and him as we met face to face at the door. His wrinkles seemed to have deepened and his cheeks have sunk in, showing that he has not been eating well this few weeks.

[… Elder.]

[Kamishirasawa….]

Looking at me, he paused for a second before he smiled and after placing a hand on my shoulder, welcomed me in like he always did.

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[… so, what brings you here… I must thank you for being with us during the… mourning… I appreciate it…]

Struggling to smile at me, he blinked in surprise when I knelt in front of him and apologized, knocking my head on the floor several times to prove my point.

[Please forgive me…]

[F-Forgive you, Kamishirasawa… what are you saying?]

His trembling hands struggled to lift me up but I stubbornly refused to stand and remained in position till he too gave up and just told me to stand up.

[Please, Kamishirasawa… there is no need for you to apologize…]

Imploring me, he sat in front of me and bowed to me too and this was something I could not accept and I helped him up with both of my hands.

[Elder… I… I have failed your expectations… I…]

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[Failed… my expectations?]

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[yes, failed your expectations… ]

[Pray tell… what my expectations of you…are]

[I… never married… your son… I didn't protect him… I… could not do anything, just watch helplessly as he left… I-I broke my promise.]

Lowering my head, I told him what I felt of him, how I spent everyday after the incident running away from the truth that I, truly was too late and there was nothing, nothing that I won't give to have another chance to tell him that I loved him. Nothing at all…

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[Kamishirasawa… don't be so harsh on yourself…]

Putting a hand on my shoulder, he smiled as he told me.

[You've helped my son surpassed everything I've ever dreamt of…]

With tears in his eyes, he told me of the things his son has done, how his son has changed ever since meeting me…

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[He used to be such a brat… a failure to the family name… he has changed…changed so much since meeting you.]

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The things he did to impress the villagers, the many hours he spent in the house studying and preparing himself…

The reputation that he built up just by doing that alone surprised me… and that was not even counting the things he did for my sake.

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[He used to tell the children to behave in front of you.. just to lower your workload a little… he would go to every house everyday to teach each child the days' lecture just for that…]

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[Just because of you, Kamishirasawa…]

Smiling, he said that he is a son that any father would be proud of and he was proud for him to have met me.

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[If it was not for you, Kamishirasawa… he would not become the man he is today. As of now, I am proud to say that he is my son and sad that he has left me…]

[I have taken him away from you, elder… if it was not for me… he wouldn't have…]

I could not bring myself from saying it and I openly wept in front of him, not caring about what he thought of me as the pain was too much.

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[That is just fate, fate that he would leave so early, Kamishirasawa… at the least, you were with him till the last… I can vouch that he would be happy that you lived, Kamishirasawa.]

[How could you say that elder… he is your son, he…]

[Everything he did, he did for you… it would make him proud that he died for you, Kamishirasawa.]

Saying that seriously, he cried with me and the both of us clung together, united with our sorrow and our loss.

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Before I left his home, I was presented with something that he had left behind.

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[He was going to give it to you on the day he proposed, Kamishirasawa…]

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Leading me to his room, he showed me the gift that he left behind and I was at a loss of words.

[W-What is that?]

[… … I think it is a hat… I think.]

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The weird shape of that object took all of the sorrow out of me and the elder as we scrutinized that thing from the top to the bottom.

It was as if he wanted us to do that to relieve us of our sorrow.

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[Perhaps… he planned it this way… I never did find out what was going on in his mind…]

[Neither could I… to think that he would fall for you so deeply…]

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Looking at me, the both of us managed a smile before I accepted the hat from the elder.

It reminded me of a bento box, what with weird design that made it look like a pagoda and it was topped up with what seemed like an ornament at the tip of the hat...

[… I would not say it would look good on you… but it is the thought that counts….]

Sheepishly, he told me as he poured a cup of tea for me as I studied the item.

[… Yes… that is so. I…]

[Kamishirasawa… although we might not be in the same family as you are in, please…]

Taking a sip of tea as he told me, I was touched and embarrassed by what he said.

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[I've always thought of you… as my daughter-in-law, Kamishirasawa… the first time I saw you with him, you smiled more brilliantly than any other women in the village.

You were the envy of the village, the one who seemed the most happiest and in total bliss at all time despite all of your workload…]

Coughing, he seemed to be just as embarrassed as me as he finished.

[You will always be part of our family, Kamishirasawa…]

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[… yes… Always…]

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Nodding my head, I smiled at him knowing what he meant.

Despite not going through the rites, he has always treated at me as family, whether as a daughter or as a daughter-in-law…

[and the same goes for me…]

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Time flies and the elderly man in front of me seemed to be young again, very young when he was still a child nearly 60 years ago. Then he was mischievous and rebellious but he would always be the first person to speak up for me.

Even now, 60 years later and a giant modification of history later, he still possesses the same traits.

[…Thank you…]

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Author's Notes: Is it too sappy? And yes, she got her hat here