Far Away From Nowhere

Warning: Self harm, dark thoughts

Chapter 10: Sometimes They Rock and Roll

Two weeks passed, the slow burning of hell.

Kylo Ren was a prisoner. And it was his duty as a prisoner to escape and return to the First Order, to the mantra, to his Supreme Leader, the mantra, his grandfather.

Grandfather, show me the way. Show me the Dark Side of the Force. Make the First Order great like you were great. Make me rise to greatness in your image, grandfather…

And then the mantra stifled and split, cut off by the wooziness he experienced every waking moment, an effect of the neural inhibitor drugs he was forced to swallow daily, scraping his throat dry and warping his powers so that he was weakened, pathetic.

How could he escape when his connection to the Force diminished with each day he spent in the brightened cage?

As if in mockery of his weakness, the Supreme Leader visited him nightly in the form of a white beast that sat on his chest, crushing the breath from him.

Kylo Ren's mind would scream in protest, but no matter how hard he tried to squirm away from the apparition, he would remain frozen, eyes glued open and forced to watch. He was forced to watch as Snoke fawned over him, hissing breath trickling over his face, cold black eyes, pale long fingers like tendrils stroking his chest.

-What an embarrassment. You lie here and do nothing.

Kylo Ren wanted to cry, "No!" He wanted to shout to his commander that he had not been weak when facing Skywalker—the Jedi had simply been too powerful for him to overcome. And now they were pumping drugs into his system that suppressed his natural talent and tendencies. Everything was backwards. When he sought the rage, it would not come. When Kylo Ren sought the drive, it vanished.

-You sicken me. You are just like your mother, after all, and her bleeding heart of a brother. You will become weak like them.

Kylo would feel nausea, swallowing back the pain and frustration. If only he could move—if only he could get away from the horrible creature in front of him.

-Weakened. Pathetic.

A new thought replaced the nausea in Kylo's dreaming mind, desperate: SAVE ME. SOMEONE SAVE ME. ANYONE. MOTHER! UNCLE!

POE?

-Weakened. Pathetic.

But the more often these dreams occurred, the more often Kylo Ren realized that no one was coming to save him. At least, not before the most awful part of the dream—its ending. And it always ended the same way.

-But perhaps your life force is still strong.

Snoke grinned, the sound of necks breaking, and his mouth curled upwards. His smile revealed teeth Ren never knew the Supreme Leader possessed. They were needle-sharp and jutted out at odd angles from his puckering purple lips. A roaring, rushing sound filled Kylo's ears as his mouth opened in silent anguish and Snoke bent over him eagerly, jaws snapping, sucking out his soul.

That's when Kylo Ren would wake up, sometime in the morning after sleeping only a few hours the previous night. He would wake up screaming, partly in terror, partly in anger. Ironically, even though the dream made him feel powerless, it was precisely during this time of day, when he woke up, that the neural inhibitors would be working their way out of his system. Kylo would begin to tap into his strength again, and he used his anger to lash out at the cage and anything (or anyone) inside it. Sometimes he would have an audience. Sometimes it was his mother; sometimes it was Skywalker. But Kylo didn't care. He didn't destroy for them. He did it because it was the only way to express himself, to get back at the ones who had taken everything away from him, and to scratch the itch the inhibitors kept at bay.

And, deep down, Kylo enjoyed it. He enjoyed chaos in its purest forms.

"I'LL OBLITERATE YOU!" he would shriek. "I'LL ERADICATE THE RESISTANCE AND ALL THOSE YOU LOVE AND ALL THAT YOU CARE ABOUT!"

"Tantrum" was a small word. Kylo Ren made it a movement, a cot-tearing, wall-thrashing, head-bashing symphony. Like a wild animal, he filled the tiny cell with his rage, and the anger bottled up, energy pulsing through the space like static electricity, relentless.

The first time Luke Skywalker had appeared, Kylo had been surprised. But now Ren expected him, like a patient nursemaid. He'd appear when his nephew's frustration was spent, another blanket ripped to tatters at his bare feet. Kylo would feel his blood boiling hot, seething at his uncle—this man who had stripped him of his freedom. No, more than that: his destiny.

"New words of wisdom, Jedi?" Ren spat at the bearded man.

Luke Skywalker stood very still, his hands folded across his robe. The old man's purpose was to deliver medicine because the Resistance (and dear Mother) had realized he was the only one who could. This was after the idiots had sent in a med droid with a syringe the first time. There had only been pieces of the pieces of the droid left to pick up after that comical incident. Enter the Jedi, the only one who could make him take his bitter medicine. The only one who could control him. And although the Jedi's function was simple, Kylo knew his uncle couldn't resist throwing a sermon into the mix during his visit. Skywalker had a captive audience, after all.

But today the man looked tired.

Good, thought Kylo. It's about time you feel how I feel. Maybe the rebels were dying off. Maybe it had all become too much for the old man.

"Would you like the easy way or the hard way?" Skywalker asked quietly. His face was expressionless, but the bags under his eyes had bags. How many times had they repeated this little scene? Over a dozen at least.

Kylo honestly thought about it. The hard way was more fun but required energy that he wasn't willing to expend, since it involved another battle of wills between himself and his uncle. Ultimately, his limbs would freeze and his mouth forced open, allowing Skywalker to drop the capsules down his throat. It was humiliating every time, and Kylo recognized the importance of conserving his strength.

Wait them out, he posited. Let them think you're softening up.

Ren bared his teeth at the Jedi.

"The easy way, old man. At least, it's easier for you, isn't it?"

Skywalker tilted his head. "In what way?"

"Faster, I mean." Kylo felt himself looking beyond his uncle, at the door directly behind him that was always sealed shut. If only he could get past the man—escape his grasp. "So you don't have to look at me too long."

"And why wouldn't I want to look at you?"

Kylo smirked. "Because I remind you of them, don't I? Your best friend and your father. And you can't stand it."

Skywalker had a phenomenal poker face, but something in his eyes changed ever so slightly, and Kylo felt a tiny glow of victory for getting past his uncle's defenses.

"Come," Skywalker said, ignoring the comments. Instead, he held out two powder blue pills in his flesh and blood hand, his metallic one offering a small cup of water.

But Kylo wasn't finished. It frustrated him that his ability to tap into the Force had been weakened, that he couldn't probe the Jedi's mind to unlock his uncle's demons. But at least he could do a bit of damage. "You feel guilty that you weren't able to save your father's life, just as you were unable to save my father's."

Skywalker paused. There was a brief moment that Ren felt triumph for successfully stabbing into his uncle's heart again.

But the Jedi spoke, even softer than before. "Yes, I do feel guilty. Because I have a conscience."

Kylo glowered at him, his fists clenching into balls at his sides.

Skywalker didn't blink. "Just like you."

Ren roared, hurtled himself at the older man, and (as he had anticipated) was immediately blocked. But it didn't stop Kylo from slamming his fists into thin air, hindered by an invisible barrier even stronger than the one that kept him imprisoned in his cell. Kylo saw red, unaware of his surroundings, only consumed by the urge to kill this man responsible for his capture, his nightmares, his torture.

In response to Ren's outburst, Skywalker simply smiled infuriatingly. The Jedi stepped closer, palms still holding the neural inhibitors and water.

"Ben, come back to us. You must realize there is no other option for you at this point. You will either join us or destroy yourself. Please choose to live, Ben. Your suffering—it's hurting your mother, and it's hurting me too."

How could Kylo express, amidst his own blind rage, that he couldn't care less what his mother thought, or his bleeding-heart uncle, or any of them?

Kylo recalled the tree from Poe's mind. It was this leafy image alone that temporarily subdued his tumultuous struggling. But he now regarded it with sorrow. Dameron was surely dead, and that tree existed on another planet a lifetime ago. Still, its branches were soaked in peace, in tranquility. But Kylo Ren existed in a cave. How could he possibly turn away from his destiny now?

Ren's reverie was enough to distract his thoughts from Skywalker, but when he looked back at the older man, he was still smiling.

"Curse you!" hissed Kylo. "I abhor everything you represent."

The Jedi answered with emotionless silence. They went through the ritual, and Kylo complied, dry-swallowing the tasteless pills, sipping water slowly. His limbs were numb and offered no resistance. What was the point, anyway? He had been defeated so many times; it didn't even matter now.

Before Skywalker ambled away, his steps more gliding than separated, he said, "You are the future, Ben. One day, we will all look to you."

Kylo Ren roared in response, but his uncle did not look back, and the door closed behind him. In that scream, the young apprentice poured out his frustration, his feelings of exclusion and separation from all that he had once known and the order he had sought to establish. It was an eternal scream, one that seemed to echo off the clear wall before him and the bright lights of his cell, removing all shadow and exposing him completely.

The dark lord wiped hot tears streaking from the corners of his eyes with the back of his hand. Was his mother watching him in the darkness outside his cell? Were there more doctors, observing the effect of the inhibitors? He could not feel their presence in his system just yet. That would take another fifteen, perhaps twenty minutes.

He imagined the Resistance guards standing outside the door to his cell—perhaps Finn, the traitor, was there. Because this was the most dangerous time of the day for them. When his powers were still intact.

Kylo paced the length of his cell, back and forth, brooding, letting the fear flow through him, as Supreme Leader Snoke had taught him over and over. Through his compulsive walking, Ren reclaimed the mantra, and the words rang in his mind.

Grandfather, show me your darkness. Show me the power of the Dark Side. Help me to become great, as you were great. Show me your darkness. Grandfather, help me to become great. I am a willing student. I am a willing student. I am the one to uphold your vision for the future. I am the vision. I am that future. Show me the power of the Dark Side so that I may destroy Skywalker and everything he represents.

Kylo paced back and forth. As a reflex, his battered cot lifted in the air, and with a flick of his wrist it slammed into the clear wall with such force that it broke in two. But Kylo did not admire this damage. He had done the same thing countless times without creating any cracks in the wall. So he continued to pace, faster and faster, cycling through the mantra in his mind, allowing it to create a mental hammer that would break through his enclosure somehow, someway.

This continued for twenty minutes until he stopped his frantic walking by slamming his fist into the clear barrier. His rough voice blared anger and hatred, more sound than words. Because Kylo Ren knew what was about to happen; it had happened every day for the past fourteen days. He was losing his ability to manipulate the Force.

It happened gradually, but the first sensation was a numbness that began to spread through his limbs. Then a fog began to cloud his brain. The most annoying aspect of it all was that it felt pleasant, not painful in any way. And yet, the very fact that he could feel the energy drain from his once-powerful body flung him into a well of distress. Kylo Ren felt the neural inhibitors encase his body like a sheet of ice, freezing the mantra and immobilizing the Force within him.

"No…" He retched, unable to put his emotions into expressive words because all clear thoughts were blocked. He felt dizzy suddenly, another side effect of the drugs, and he slid down the clear wall, drawing his knees up to his chest. Soon, the door to his cell would open again and he would be brought some food and drink. Because he was harmless now. Kylo thought back to his night terrors, to what the Supreme Leader had said in them: Weak, pathetic.

But he wasn't entirely powerless.

Kylo would show them; he would show them all.

Curled into himself, Ren waved his hand. It took incredible effort and concentration, but the small pieces of his torn blue blanket swirled together, like a mini tornado, and then floated high in the air above him. His fingers waggled dreamily, and then the blue shreds fell down around him, a gentle precipitation.

"I can make it rain," he said quietly.

His energy was nearly spent now, and Kylo remained on the floor, his side pressed against the transparent barrier, trying to think clearly despite the mist in his brain. Sometimes when he felt himself begin to drift off, he would slam a fist into the wall. Just so he could feel something, anything. This continued for about an hour, until his knuckles were bloody and red streaked down the clear partition.

Then something happened that broke the pattern Ren had found himself trapped in for the past few weeks: Someone spoke to him from beyond the sheer wall.

"Stop that."

Surprised, dazed, Kylo Ren turned his head and saw the girl. It was Rey.

Ever since the day she had woken up on D'Qar and stumbled upon Kylo Ren's secret room and General Organa's confession, Rey had longed to return to the place. It was a combination of curiosity and frustration. The fact was that Skywalker had been increasingly cryptic with her as far as providing information about her past. Rather than divulge information Rey desperately sought about her parents and their possible whereabouts, Skywalker had thrown her into a strict regimen of physical training. And it didn't work to argue with him or press the matter at hand. In response to her complaints, the Jedi would assign Rey even greater distances to jog, more weight to lift, more hours spent in meditation.

If he spoke at all to defend his shift in training, Master Luke would only refer to the incident on Vera 5 and how she had struggled to carry Poe out of the caves.

"I don't understand!" Rey had protested. "I was able to save him! What did I do wrong?"

And the Jedi would respond with, "You will have more to carry in the future."

If speaking to the older man had been futile, it was just as useless to try and talk to Finn about the situation. Although her friend listened to what she had to say with more than a modicum of interest, it was clear that during the few precious hours they were able to spend together during meals each day, his mind was elsewhere. And Rey didn't blame him. Finn had become a leader of the Resistance, one who was taxed for time between countless meetings, trainings, and missions.

Turning to Poe was equally difficult, not because the former pilot was as busy as Finn, but because Rey didn't want to burden him. Dameron had only started working again, after all, as an X-Wing mechanic, and Rey sensed his healing process was not over yet. How could she bring up her speculations about Kylo Ren to the man who had been hurt by the dark lord so deeply?

The cave, the tree, the fire. The very memory of looking inside Poe's mind made Rey shiver.

Thus, she had turned to the secret room as a place for revelation. It wasn't her desire to speak with the monster who had attacked her and her friends. But there was something about him that Rey needed to understand and unlock. Leia had hinted at her connection with Ren during their conversation a few weeks prior, and Rey somehow knew, could feel, the dark lord was the actual subject Master Luke had been avoiding.

So Rey found herself once again in the secret room, this time alone with the figure dressed in black, huddled against the see-through barrier, part of his back to her. What a different image this was to what she had imagined facing! This man who had appeared as a monster in her mind's eye was now as threatening as a potted plant, hunched over as if just barely grasping onto life. Rey remembered what she had overheard Dr. Kalonia mentioning about the neural inhibitors, and she wondered if Kylo Ren was now exhibiting the effects of this drug.

Since he didn't notice her enter the room, Rey spent a few minutes observing him, her loathing shifting from hatred to pity to sympathy as she watched him carry out a rhythm of seemingly pointless injuries upon himself.

Like an animal in a cage with nowhere to go.

In one breathless moment, Rey's heart cried out to him; she couldn't take this self-abuse any longer.

"Stop that."

The words that poured out of her parted lips were a surprise to her, but they seemed even more surprising to Kylo Ren. He shifted in his seated position to get a look at her, and Rey felt how much the space was filled with an oppressing aura of hopelessness. From her viewpoint a few feet away, she gazed into the young man's eyes for the first time since the cave on Vera 5, and what she saw shocked her. Those same eyes that had once been filled with ardent ambition and clarity were now dull and glazed over. His mouth twisted into a smile that appeared more like a grimace.

What happened to you? she wanted to ask him. Clearly Ren had not been tortured by the Resistance, something the First Order did automatically to new prisoners.

"Come to… observe me?" His words came out thickly, slowly, as if it took him longer to form the words.

The neural inhibitors, Rey remembered. This must be one of their side-effects.

"No," she said peaceably. "I came to talk."

Kylo Ren shifted again on the floor, his body fumbling awkwardly over itself to face her. His movements were clumsy, like a toddler's.

"My mother… She put you up to it. How nice."

"No," Rey said, perhaps too forcefully. She took a step closer to the clear wall. "She doesn't know I'm here. No one does."

"Fool," he said to her, but there was no venom in the insult. "They know… know everything. They… You think they don't have cameras?"

As if compelled by some unseen force, Kylo thrust his right hand into the glass again, adding to the thick smear of blood on the wall. Despite the impact of his punch, his face remained impassive.

"Stop!" Rey cried when he drew his arm back for another hit, and he desisted. "Please, stop. It…" Rey took a deep breath, her words dissolving away.

Control yourself, Rey. This man is dangerous. Don't let your guard down for a moment.

"Can't imagine why," Kylo mumbled, observing the cuts in his knuckles. He cocked his head at her, and Rey found herself holding her breath, fearing that the invisible hands of his mind were going to latch onto her's, probing. But nothing happened.

"Oh, I get it," he continued, smiling through a scowl. "You think you're going to change me… Rey Kenobi is going to save poor… poor me. Son of Han Solo. The… the boy with Vader's blood running through his veins. How cute. It's cliché of me to even say it, but you're wasting your time, Jedi."

Rey bit her tongue to prevent a tirade of anger from streaming out of her mouth. Instead, she focused again, attempting to stay centered. "I didn't come here to save you. I came to talk."

Kylo's eyes squinted at her, as if trying to decide if she was telling the truth or not. Then he laughed, a short cruel chuckle. "So… you miss our little session in the interrogation room?"

The mention of his forceful invasion of her mind made Rey's face burn.

"You were quite good at turning the tables on me, Jedi," he said. "Want to try again?"

Rey licked her lips, her patience wearing thin. "I wanted to ask you if you knew anything about my parents."

Her statement caused Kylo to perk up a bit, his back straightening, eyes regaining some of their previous brightness. "Why don't you ask the great Skywalker?"

Are you really going to trust this maniac with your suspicions? Your research?

Rey cast her doubts aside. "I did ask your uncle. He's… He's been very uncommunicative lately. I think he wants me to figure this out on my own."

Ren shot back, "What makes you think I know anything about your parents?"

"I don't know," Rey said honestly. "It was just a hunch. I… I mean, we were 'intended' for each other, as you said." Rey recalled the phrase General Organa had used to describe her and Kylo—"similar temperament." She didn't even want to know exactly what that implied.

Ren stretched out his scrunched-up limbs and stood slowly, using the wall for support. Rey thought he was going to fall for a moment, but his legs held steady, although still wobbling a bit. He began pacing the room. At first, Kylo's arms remained outstretched for balance, but then he positioned them behind his back, his lips pursed, as if contemplating the mysteries of the galaxy. As he continued walking, his movement became more fluid, stronger even. And after a few moments, he stopped, facing her directly.

"So you want me to help you locate your parents?"

Rey nodded, her skin tingling. Is this really happening? Have I become this desperate?

"What makes you think they're still alive?"

Rey said, "I don't. But I want to know what happened to them."

A thoughtful pause. "I'll need access to some computer records, archives"

"I can get those for you."

Kylo Ren paced for a few more moments and then stopped. He stepped closer, then: "I'll help you. With one stipulation: You'll get me out of here."

Rey nearly choked. "I can't promise that."

Kylo raised his palms in the air, backtracking. "Then I won't help you."

The Jedi in training faced off against one of the most dangerous agents of the First Order. He's the deadly catalyst, Rey. What are you doing? You're playing with fire.

But she couldn't escape the truth of General Organa's words. This man's fate was entertwined with her own. But he's playing you. Rey smirked. Guess I'll just have to play him too.

"All right. I'll get you out of here. Once we figure out what happened to my parents. And you must promise to do one more thing for me."

Kylo Ren rolled his eyes. "And that is…?"

Rey averted her gaze, looking at her boots instead. "Stop… hurting yourself."

She was expecting a brash admonishment, but his response was soft. "Why do you care?"

Rey looked up at him, and their eyes locked.

Truthfully? She didn't really know.

But Kylo Ren wasn't looking for an answer, it seemed. Instead, he turned his back to her and walked to the right hand corner of his cell, curling up in a ball. She spied the dark circles under unfocused eyes. His lids drooped with exhaustion.

"You can't… change me," he murmured before sleep stole over his body, and his eyes closed.

Rey's heart hummed in her chest. She looked upon his sleeping figure and stole into the shadows as the door to his cell opened minutes later. Kylo Ren didn't react—he was out cold. It was Dr. Kalonia. She snuck into his cell like a burglar. Rey thought back to Kylo's comments about cameras. Did the doctor know she was there right now? If Kalonia knew, she didn't make any indication that she was aware of Rey. The doctor was too intent on stealthily applying bacta and bandages to Kylo Ren's bleeding knuckles before padding softly to the door and closing it behind her.

After their confidential agreement, Rey visited Kylo Ren daily to share findings with him about her parents. Most days, she visited in the late morning, interrupting his ritual of lashing out at the walls. And every day, Rey Kenobi told Kylo Ren to stop.

A few weeks later, he did.

TBC

A/N: Chapter 10—wooot! Okay, I'm shamelessly channeling Loki and his situation in Thor 2 for my Kylo interpretation here. Kind of a sorry/not sorry moment. I mean, they both have the long dark hair, angsty, super powers, born-to-be-bad thing going on. Totally hot. What do you all think? I really want Kylo to pine for what Poe has underneath all of his ambition along with his developing relationship with Rey. The next chapter will have some glorious Poe whumpage (I hope!).

Special thanks and unending virtual cupcakes to BlackxValentine, Neon Wish Likes Pine Trees, and Anna for reviewing the last chapter. Y'all rock! And thank you ALL for the follows, favorites, and reviews. I really appreciate your feedback!

Annndd to celebrate the 10th Chapter in this Fic That Got Away From Me (and keeps surprising me) I've decided to include the songs that I listened to on a loop while writing it. Consequently, I named each chapter after a string of lyrics from the song I listened to the most at the tiem. Sometimes, the lyrics fit for chapter titles, sometimes not. Hope you enjoy listening!

1. From Here On Out –The Killers

2. Out of the Woods –Taylor Swift

3. Jackie and Wilson –Hozier

4. From Eden –Hozier

5. The Death of Queen Jane –Oscar Isaac

6. Renegades –X Ambassadors

7. Lonely Town –Brandon Flowers

8. Under Pressure –Queen & David Bowie

9. Forever Young- Alphaville

10. This Heart's On Fire –Wolf Parade

~Ista ^_^