Chapter 10:

'Don't you want to fix this?'

"He's beautiful. He's looks more like Carl did as a baby.. but with Judith's hair... His hands and feet are tiny, so tiny… his head is like the size of a tennis ball… I don't think I've ever seen or held a baby that small before…"

He sat forward in his seat, his elbows resting on his knees.

"When I looked at him I just felt so much… so much regret because I haven't been there for you the way I should have... but I just, I didn't trust the situation. It felt like every time I wanted a child, I was sacrificing somethan' else without realising and I was scared. I didn't want everythan' to go to hell again, I just wanted my family to be whole once more and I thought a baby so soon would destroy it all... But despite all that, you still looked at me when I couldn't look at all of you. You were so damn patient with me and you gave me time to adjust, then you welcomed me with open arms when I finally did and you, you don't know how much you mean to me…"

Rick sniffed as he ran his hand over his face, wiping his tears away.

"I should have looked after you from day one… and I'm sorry that I didn't... I'm sorry that I didn't hold you and him as a priority… I'm sorry that I've given you nothing but stress this whole time… and I'm sorry that we didn't get to name him…"

Michonne stared at the wall in front of her, only half listening to him, her palm wet from his tears.

"I'm gonna take care of you. Whether you want me to or not, I'm gonna be there, because I don't belong anywhere else but by your side…"

She closed her eyes, no longer interested in his words. She wished she had the strength to pull her hand away from him but she couldn't. As heartbroken as she was, she couldn't push him away any further. Instead she just laid there, waiting for him to let go on his own accord.

It wasn't that she blamed him for their son's stillbirth. Far from it. That was something that was beyond both of their control.

She was at a crossroads in her mind when it came to Rick. As much as she loved him, she couldn't stand how he treated her opinion as if it nothing. The fact that he could give such a fairly large sum to Lori and keep it from her broke her trust in him. She would have never expected him to do something of that magnitude without her input. Needless to say, she was hurt.

Now she had a whole new level of heartache to deal with, she didn't care to fix their problems for the time being. She just wanted to be able to mourn her son in peace, away from the sympathetic looks and the attempts at comforting strokes. She knew everyone around her wanted to help and support them both, which she did appreciate and would later express, but for the moment, she was crushed and no one, not even Rick, could help that.

She didn't know how much time had passed but he let go of her hand, and she finally fell asleep.

…

"Hey, mom, look what grandma gave me"

Carl came and joined her in the bed, holding out a Polaroid picture. She took a look at it and smiled, "My little Carly"

Carl smirked, "How old was I?"

"You were…" She winced as she tried to remember, "Three actually. I think your dad and I had only been together for like a month when it was taken"

"Really?" Carl raised his eyebrow at her.

"Yeah" She adored the image of a young Carl.

"How did you two meet again?"

She sighed, with a ghost of a smile on her face, "They got our orders mixed up at the diner but our booths where right next to each other so we swamped them… well he gave me mine and I spilt his on his lap"

Carl chuckled, "That's it!. I remember he said you were blinded by his beauty"

She almost laughed, "Yeah, he wish"

Carl sighed and gazed around the room, his smile slowly fading, "...Are you guys breaking up again?"

She followed his line of sight, "We're just having a tough time at the moment…"

He frowned at nothing in particular, "Because of the baby?"

She shook her head, "Not entirely, no"

"I haven't see you guys talk…"

"Yeah" She brushed her fingers through his hair, "Sometimes it helps not to talk. Gives you time to think, so you're not as angry when you do finally do speak"

"I get it…" He gave a slow, understanding nod.

"How are you feeling? About… everything?"

He tensed up, "I don't know… it doesn't feel real… I keep thinking you're still pregnant…"

She released a sad sigh, "Yeah"

He shook his head as if he was clearing his mind, "Grandma cooked, should I bring something up?"

She too, shook her head, "Nah, I'll come down in a little while"

"Alright" He swung his legs off the bed.

She watched him leave the room before sitting back against the headboard, still looking at the picture of him. The tightness in her chest had yet to relieve itself, so she intended to stay in her bed until it did.

The sound of heavy footsteps ascending the stairs broke her train of thought. She knew it was Rick. She didn't know how long she was daydreaming for but it was darker outside. He walked along the landing before appearing at the door, and she kept her eyes on the Polaroid in her hand.

He stepped in and put down a bottle of water and some Advil on the table as he had done every day since she left the hospital. He slid a plate of greens and chicken on it beside the water before straightening up.

"You have a check up on Wednesday"

She slid her eyes to from the picture to the nightstand.

He took one last look at her before turning and leaving the room. Her eyes rolled shut and her head fell back against the headboard again.

…

"Hey, when did you get out here? I thought you were in the bathroom"

Michonne turned her head towards Sasha, though she didn't look at her, "Needed some air"

"Yeah, it gets a little stuffy in there" Sasha sighed as she sat on the porch steps beside her, "Daryl took the girls to the park... I think Rick went with them"

She gave a little nod, "Alright"

Sasha looked out at the street, "How are you feeling?"

Michonne shrugged, "I don't really know anymore…"

Sasha nodded.

"...Is that how you felt?"

She stopped nodding, "Pretty much. I mean, it was in the early days so… I didn't have surgery or anything… but I just felt, empty"

Michonne huffed, "That's the word. Empty"

"...I used to stay up wondering what I did wrong… I went over every reason for it a thousand times… but then Lily came and I just, I stopped torturing myself… these things happen you know? There isn't always solid answer for it… and even if you can get a solid answer, it won't bring back what you lost, so you just have to learn to accept it, and it won't hurt so much when you do…"

Michonne whipped the rogue tear that fell from the corner of her eye.

"Rick told me he was beautiful…"

She nodded as she sniffed, "He was. He was just, precious"

Sasha rested her hand on her back and rubbed gently, "You won't ever forget that"

"I won't" She reinforced.

"Exactly… and Rick won't either"

She tensed at her friend's insinuation, "I know"

Sasha sighed as she turned her attentions back to the street.

Michonne broke apart a tiny shred of wood she peeled off the step, "How's Maggie?"

Sasha's eyes locked on something in the distance, "She… had the baby"

Michonne nodded, "No problems?"

Sasha shook her head, "No… they're at home now"

"Great" It was a bittersweet moment, but she was truly happy for her friend, "That's great"

"She wants to come and see you…"

Michonne shook her head, "No. She should be home with… Demi"

Sasha's eyes began to roam again, "Yeah"

They sat in and comfortable silence for a few moments. Both aimlessly looking around the neighbourhood while they let their thoughts consume them.

"You hungry?"

Michonne shook her head, "Not right now… probably later"

"...Mrs Grimes thinks you're too thin"

Michonne's eyes almost lit up, "She's been telling me that for years"

"Well at least we know who to save first if there was ever a zombie apocalypse"

Michonne frowned at her friend.

"It's true, that woman can cook up any and everything from scratch"

"That's true" She smirked.

Sasha's brow furrowed at she thought, "I think Rick would survive the longest"

She raised her eyebrow as she considered the theory, "Yeah… he'd thrive in that kind of world"

"He's got the attitude… don't tell Daryl I told you that by the way"

A small smile tugged on her lips, "I won't "

…

"How are you doing honey?"

Michonne watched her father join her on the couch, "A little better…"

He rested his hand at the base of her neck, "I'm glad to hear that"

"How are you?" She queried, hoping to shift the topic.

"I'm alright… sorry I haven't been around as much as I could, the damn basement flooded and it's been nothing but a pain"

Her eyebrows rose a fraction, "When did that happen?"

"About a week ago now… some of your mother's stuff was down there and it… I mean most of it was saved but still"

She sighed as she rested her hand on his, "Sorry, dad"

He nodded and looked down at her hand, he stopped nodding and began to frown, "Where's your ring?"

She huffed as she moved her hand away, "Upstairs"

He studied the side of her face, "What happened?"

She shook her head, "Nothing, I just didn't feel like wearing it today"

His frown stayed put.

"You just miss Susan…" She hurriedly changed the conversation.

He softened, "I need to thank her for being over here, and William"

"They're been a great help… especially with the kids…"

"Carl?"

It was her turn to frown, "He's accepting it…"

"Judy?"

"She's… confused but, we expect that"

He nodded, showing his understanding, "What about Rick?"

She almost squirmed in her seat, "He's coping, I guess"

"You guess?"

"Hey grandpa"

Carl walked in to the room with a warm smile as he headed over to the older man and gave him a hug. Michonne was grateful for another distraction, as she knew she wouldn't be able to skate around the subject of Rick forever.

"How are you doing son?"

Carl shrugged half-heartedly, "I'm good, thanks"

"You're on summer vacation now, right?"

"Yep" Carl sat down on the recliner.

"I can take the two of you out fishing soon then"

The teenager grimaced.

"Don't make that face, it'll be fun" His grandfather encouraged.

Carl wasn't sold.

The older man gave Carl a look that Michonne recognised from her childhood, that seemed to communicate that there was no room for argument.

Carl released a defeated sigh, "Fine. I'll give it a go"

His grandfather smiled, "That's the spirit. We can bring dinner home, and it's quite a satisfying feeling to do that"

The teenager gave an unenthusiastic nod. Michonne tore her eyes away from him when she heard the front door open. Judith came barrelling in the room, dragging a glittery skipping rope, while Rick followed shortly after, holding a large white paper bag that obviously had food init.

"Hi grandpa" She smiled as she climbed on his lap.

"Hey there sweetie, where were you?"

"Me and daddy went to get lunch… then we got ice cream" She turned to face her brother, "I tried to save you some of my sundae Carl, but I ate it all"

Carl chuckled at her, "It's alright, Judy"

She turned back to her grandfather with a clear conscience, "It was great"

"Is that dinner?" Carl asked his father as he sat up in the chair.

Rick held the bags out in front of him, and Carl all but snatched them and ran to the kitchen. Rick smirked as he watched him disappear, before stepping further in to the room.

"How are you doing sir?" He asked her father as he took Carl's seat.

"I'm doing fine… How about yourself?"

He sent a single nod to the man, "Good"

Her father's eyes slowly rolled back and forth between Michonne and Rick, his expression not a pleased one. Michonne slowly stood up, stroking a hand over Judith's hair as she passed the little girl.

"I'm gonna lay down for a little bit, dad" She announced.

"Sure, go ahead honey"

Rick turned his head towards her, but kept his eyes low, "I'll bring you somethan' up in a little while"

She didn't give him any kind of inkling that she heard him. She just continued at her slow pace into the hallway and up the stairs.

…

Michonne sat watching a couple carry their new-born through the parking lot. She didn't want to look at the little family but she couldn't take her eyes off them. She didn't envy them, though she wished she had been as fortunate. As the weeks rolled on, Sasha's words began to fall into place. It wasn't hurting as much to think about, but it was still a substantially painful thought.

"Ready?"

Rick appeared in front of her, his eyes examining her from above. He looked towards the distance to see what she was peering at, and he quickly looked away. She rose the bench and they walked over to his truck, him following behind her.

"We need to talk, Michonne"

She wondered why he hadn't started the car once they had gotten in, but she wasn't expecting for him to want to talk in that moment. She stared out the windshield at the hospital in front of them, still uninterested in his words.

"I told you I'd take care of you, and I meant it, and I won't stop taking care of you … but this is… I feel like I've lost you and my child..."

Her eyes travelled across the windows of the building as she refused to connect with him.

"You hardly even look at me… And I know you still don't want me to touch you because I feel it, you stiffen up… you might as well pull away from me sometimes... and it's all tearing me to shreds because we're not going through this together, and we're meant to deal with this together-"

"Why now?"

He paused, shocked she was choosing to speak to him, "What do you mean why now? We've lost our child-"

"But that's not the reason we're not close right now. You weren't interested in us dealing with things together before then, so why now?"

He clenched his jaw, looking out the window beside her, "What do you want, Michonne?"

She snapped her eyes shut and shook her head.

"Tell me what it is you want-"

"You can't give me what I want-"

"Tell me-"

"No!" She yelled, eyes glistening with tears, "You can't give me anything because all I want is the ability to go back and make him my first priority instead of you! Maybe if I didn't put you first then he'd still be here and you will never even begin to understand the guilt I feel for that!"

If she wasn't so angry, she would have quickly registered the hurt in his eyes, but she was too busy pouring her grief in to his lap.

"Carl told me that he keeps thinking I'm still pregnant and I wish, I wish I felt the same, but I still remember how he was wrapped from my stomach and I'll always have the scar as a reminder" She dragged her hand over her face, in an attempt to calm herself, "And I wish this was something we handled together, but you've gotten to decide what you want to handle alone and I've decided I want to handle this alone"

He was still, his eyes on the side of her face as he tried to gather his thoughts, while she resumed her previous position, sitting back and looking at the hospital.

"If I knew this is where we'd end up, I'd never have done it. I could tell you how sorry I am until I'm blue in the face-"

"I know you're sorry. I know you are" She breathed, running her hand down the side of her face.

"Can we fix this?" He finally asked after a moment of silence.

She wanted to sigh. The sound of his voice infuriated her and broke her at the same time. She couldn't bring herself to look at him again, "I don't know"

His lips pursed as he prepared his next question, "Do you want to fix this?"

She sighed, her interest in the conversation depleting, "I don't think so"

He was still for a few more moments, before finally starting the car. She couldn't help but be brutally honest with him, though she hoped he would wait for them to have that discussion. She didn't wish to diminish how he felt about their loss, but they weren't in the same place they were in the weeks before and she wasn't in any position to tell him what he wanted to hear.

They drove home in silence and she was grateful for it.