-------------------

He was concerned for his team mates. Of course he was. He just wasn't ready to see them yet. He didn't know how to reconcile what they had done. No, not done. He could handle the beatings. It was more what they had said that had really troubled him.

He'd pushed them away again. Kept them at arm's length all the way back to the gate and right up until him sitting in the infirmary. He hadn't been able to speak to them. He didn't know what to say and he was grateful for Carson having moved them to another exam room.

Whatever had happened off-world seemed to stop the minute he came back from the dead.

It was a look McKay had given him. A look of complete horror. Guilt. His eyes were softer. All of them had changed, but he just didn't have the energy to face them.

He waited for Carson in the empty infirmary; he paced for a bit, although his aching muscles protested wildly, he plucked at the covers, fiddled with some of the medical equipment that was lying around, he whistled and hummed – anything to keep himself moving. Anything to keep from thinking.

"What are you doing out of bed?"

He was caught pacing back and forth like a caged animal.

"I got bored."

Carson huffed in a deep breath and molly-coddled him back over to his bed.

"You need to rest Colonel."

"I can't rest."

He could feel his eyes slipping closed, he could feel the pull of sleep and the ache of exhaustion, and he didn't know why he was denying it.

"Let's get you examined."

------------------

They had been moved to a closed off room for their examination and as much as McKay moaned and insulted staff, no-one was letting him out of the room and nobody would tell him how Sheppard was.

He dangled his feet over the edge of the bed, now freshly changed, and examined the bruising along his knuckles.

"I've got some of that too."

He looked up to see Ronon holding out his own hands and he could see that the skin was raw and bloodied.

"You know how we got that."

Ronon didn't answer. McKay didn't supply any more. They both knew Sheppard was wearing the bruising to prove it had been them.

"Are…..memories starting to-"

"Yeah."

Teyla nodded from across the room. There was a female soldier standing over her with a gun affixed to her chest. It was a completely surreal situation.

"I don't know why they're keeping us locked up in here. It's not like we deliberately…." McKay stalled his own words, "-Sheppard will be fine about this."

"We have broken his trust Doctor McKay. Would you be so forgiving?"

McKay was about to lie and say he'd be fine, but instead he went with, "So you do remember?"

Teyla looked away and bit her lip. There was shame written all over her face.

"He told me much of what I divulged in confidence and I used it against him."

"We all did," Ronon added.

"He's Sheppard. He'll get over this. He knows we didn't mean it."

"But the things I said," Teyla met his eyes and he could see that she was holding back tears, "I…..I really did think them. I just never had the courage to tell him."

"He's infuriating," McKay flexed his hands again and found his eyes drifting back to his knuckles, "He never tells us anything. It's just annoying."

"He's a private person," Ronon shot back.

"There's private and then there's Sheppard."

Mckay continued to kick his legs back and forth under the gurney. He had to see Sheppard. He couldn't just sit and wait any longer. He pushed himself off the bed and had only taken a few steps when a hand was planted onto his shoulder and a soldier was telling him to get back onto the bed.

"I want to see Sheppard."

"The Colonel is asleep."

"How do you know? He's probably in there now asking to see us."

"I've got my orders."

McKay was tired of being pushed around and reacted as such, "Well your orders suck."

"They're the Colonels."

McKay opened and closed his mouth like a dying fish. The Soldier seemed to be enjoying tormenting him.

"Sheppard or Caldwell?"

"Sheppard."

"Oh…." McKay dropped his head.

-------------

Carson nearly collided with Elizabeth when he re-entered the infirmary. She was hovering by the door, uncharacteristically biting at one of her nails, and she immediately dropped her hand when she saw him.

"Carson."

"Elizabeth."

She followed him over to Sheppard's bed and saw that he was sleeping soundly, atop the covers, his face creased even in sleep.

"Well?"

Carson smiled kindly and escorted her away from Sheppard's bed, "I've examined the others."

"And?"

"No elevated temperature, no neurological anomalies and their blood work has come up clean. As far as I can tell, they're all fine."

"So do we know what happened yet?"

"The Colonel is reluctant to say anymore than they weren't themselves. I've examined him and he's comfortable for the minute. He's got a concussion so we're going to be waking him every two hours tonight. He's covered in bruising and cuts, but it's mostly superficial. There's nothing seriously wrong with him but he's going to be in a wee bit of pain for a while. They did a real number on him."

"So it was his team?" Elizabeth sighed and rubbed at her face, "I was hoping he was exaggerating."

"The Colonel doesn't exaggerate love," Carson supplied, "I'm going to keep in here for overnight observation and then I don't see why he can't go back to his quarters. I'm putting him on light duty for a few days so his body has a chance to heal."

"This is a nightmare."

"Aye, it's not the most pleasant of situations."

They both silenced when Sheppard hitched his breath and mumbled something in his sleep.

"He hasn't asked how his team are, which is unusual for him."

"Well….I can't imagine what he must be going through."

"He's had a tough time of it that's for sure."

"I just hope he's going to be okay after this e-"

"He's fine!"

They turned simultaneously and walked around the curtain to find Sheppard awake and rubbing at his eyes like a sleepy toddler.

"Sorry, did we wake you?" Elizabeth asked as she approached the foot of his bed.

Sheppard stretched carefully and answered moodily, "I figured it was time for another wake up call anyway."

"Yes, sorry about that," Carson muttered as he reached for his penlight and started to check his reactions.

"How are you feeling?"

"Bruised. Tired."

"I'm sure you are."

They were both waiting for him to ask about his team mates but he didn't. He just sat there, tolerating Carson's exam and that was more than worrying.

"Do you still have a headache?"

"I'm fine. You could turn the lights down a little in here though."

"So I'll take that as a yes."

"Take it as a yes," Sheppard stated as he rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands. He grimaced as he remembered the bindings around his fingers.

"You should get some rest. I think Caldwell's going to want to have a chat with you."

"I'm sure he will."

"And…." Carson cleared his throat, "Rodney wants to come and talk to you."

"Tell him I'm asleep."

"John?"

"I don't want to talk to him just yet."

"Okay."

"You can give him this though….." Sheppard pulled an LSD from under his pillow and handed it to the Doctor, "I grabbed it before we left the lab, forgot about it till earlier. Give it to Rodney. It'll give him something to work on instead of pestering me."

----------------------------------------------

Carson was keeping them in for overnight observation and while Teyla and Ronon slept easily, McKay was lying awake and staring up at the ceiling. He'd spent the last five hours analyzing the tablet that Sheppard had managed to grab from the lab and the results were…..heartbreaking. He felt sick. There was no way he could sleep knowing what he knew.

He pulled the covers off, slipped out of bed silently and then tip toed towards the exit. There were no soldiers guarding their door and no nurses in sight either. He couldn't believe his luck, but then it was two o'clock in the morning.

He managed to get back into the main infirmary without being seen. He would have thought that the head scientist wandering the halls in nothing more than scrubs would have alerted more attention.

As he crept across to Sheppard's bed, he could see that Carson's door was pulled closed and the lights were off. It probably meant that the Doctor was asleep in there.

When he found the Colonel, he was curled up onto his side, one splinted hand dangling over the edge of the bed, his other tucked up under his chin.

"Psst."

McKay waited for him to stir and then after a surreptitious glance over his shoulder, he gave Sheppard's shoulder a prod.

"Wake up."

Sheppard grumbled something in his sleep, swatted a hand out angrily to bat whoever it was away and then rolled onto his back. He remained deathly still for a few seconds before sensing the presence and jolted upright, eyes snapping open, hand reaching out for something, anything. McKay guessed it was a soldier thing and that Sheppard was trying to find his hand gun.

McKay grabbed his wrist to calm him, but Sheppard retracted his hand quickly and ripped the covers off with a hiss of pain.

"Rodney!"

"Sorry, sorry!" McKay muttered, holding his hands out in a placating gesture, "I just couldn't sleep."

Sheppard was scooting to the edge of the bed, his face all hard lines and full of anger, "Go back to bed."

"I need to talk to you."

Sheppard looked away, seemed to be deciding his next move, and then tore out his IV line.

"What are you doing?"

Sheppard was already getting off the bed and standing unsteadily.

"If I'm not able to sleep in here then I'm going back to my quarters where I can lock the damn door."

"But-"

"No, Rodney….I'm…" Sheppard reached up and wiped his face.

McKay hadn't noticed how much he was sweating before, but now Sheppard was haloed by one of the infirmary lamps, he could see the sweat dripping down the side of his face.

"I can't talk to you right now. Ok?"

McKay continued to watch Sheppard. He looked flustered and he was continually licking his lips and swallowing.

"Are you okay?"

Sheppard laughed quietly, "No I'm not okay. I'm not fine. Just go back to bed."

"I'm sorry."

"I've had enough," Sheppard stalked off, wobbled on his feet and when McKay reached out to steady him; Sheppard pulled his arm back with a look of utter horror and cradled it to his chest.

"Get the hell off me!"

"You can't leave. Let me get Carson, you don't look too good."

Sheppard reached out for support, but then opted to just bend over and lean his hands on his knees. He was taking in deep breaths of air and gulping.

"It was a ZPM."

Sheppard looked up but remained in the same bent over position. He nodded.

"And I….." McKay felt his throat constrict, "I destroyed it. I remember…..sort of."

"Yes, you did."

"A ZPM."

"Yes."

"And…"

"Yes."

"Why do you keep looking at me like that? I'm fine now. We're fine. Carson gave us a clean bill of health."

"At least three of us do," Sheppard snapped.

"It wasn't us."

Sheppard suddenly pitched over and landed awkwardly on his knees. One hand went out for a bed and he managed to stay semi-upright by sheer force of will.

"I'll get Carson."

"No. You've done enough."

"Don't be an idiot Colonel."

Sheppard lowered himself into a sitting position, "Go back to bed. I'll be okay."

"She-"

"Go Rodney. Before somebody finds you here. People are finding it hard enough to trust you as it at the moment. Just go back to bed and we'll deal with this tomorrow."

"I can't just leave you here."

Sheppard straightened for his benefit, "If you don't go, I'll crawl to my damn quarters just to get away from this conversation…so-"

"Fine," McKay headed for the door and tossed a looked over his shoulder, "But we are going to talk about this."

And before he left he toppled an instrument tray over. It clattered to the ground noisily and a few seconds later, McKay heard a nurse rushing in and calling for Carson.

TBC ………………………..