Ten Days in October
By: Lijep
A/N: The LAST chapter. I cannot believe this is finally here. ::tear:: But I have thank you's, of course. First and foremost, I would love to thank my wonderful beta Color Esperanza…this story would be riddled with grammatical errors without your help! Also, thanks to my amazing reviewers, and anyone who put this story on their favorites list. You all pretty much rock. And of course, who can forget the wonderful idinakristin fan for reviewing EVERY SINGLE chapter, which is simply amazing. And one more thing, thank you Bright Eyes for "Messenger Bird's Song," which really influenced this story.
A note on the story, Casey is talking to Olivia in this chapter.
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Ten Days in October
Day
10: October 31st
Halloween has arrived once again. Pumpkin, witch, and black cat decorations are abundant in my office. And I feel as if I am wearing a mask. I try to conceal my true emotions of complete and total devastation as I try not to focus on the memory of you anymore. Halloween always was your favorite holiday. I am trying to act as though the fact that you are gone doesn't completely tear me apart. But it does, and you are still not here to comfort me.
Elliot's been great, and we even managed to get in touch with Alex. I will forever miss the memory of you and me, yet these two seemed to make these past ten days semi-bearable. I remember your last words to me:
"Don't we all…you'll be by the station later?"
I can't help but cry when I note the fact that we never told each other "I love you" on that day. I had said it the night before, my breathless whisper strained as your lips pressed against my vocal cords. And that was the last time. The last time I ever saw your face, you were sleeping peacefully like an angel as I struggled to dress quietly, trying not to disturb your rest.
Seeing you in the hospital, I almost wanted you to die. Don't get me wrong, I wanted you here, but your face was cut and bruised, and you had a respirator in your mouth. You couldn't breathe on your own anymore, and all I remember about the day of your death were Elliot's consoling words: "The doctor said she didn't feel any pain, but that doesn't really help us, does it?" It didn't help me at all, because the next week was torture. Your viewing made me nauseous, and your funeral absolutely killed me. My mother…you always wanted me to try to make things right with her. I tried…and I couldn't. I can still count the reasons why I hate her, and I can add one more to the list. She didn't think you were right for me.
I went to the cemetery today, and while I was there, I decided that I hate the word cemetery. I sat down on the ground in my business suit and powder blue coat that you hate. My suit was getting muddy, and for once, I didn't care. I traced the letters on your headstone gently, and I pressed my forehead against it, sobbing quietly. I am lost without you, Olivia. You were my light…and now I'm in the dark.
Elliot mentioned in passing the other day that he hasn't seen me smile in days. I never went an hour without smiling with you around. What's happened to me, Olivia? I cry instead of smile now, but, being ashamed to cry, I never let anyone see. Elliot's seen me crying, but that's the extent. You, Elliot, and my mother are the only people who have ever seen me cry. I guess I just exposed my own greatest weakness, my reluctance to let people in.
My office seems incomplete without the picture of you and me that I used to keep on my desk, so today, I put it back up. I cried looking at it, but I didn't care. I didn't make enough noise for people to know or care that I was crying, and it consoled me in a sick way. Only you could take away the tears and make me smile once again. Maybe that's why I haven't smiled in days.
Elliot and I slept together, and sex with a guy was the worst thing I ever experienced. No wonder I'm gay. I can picture you laughing at that remark. You had the most amazing laugh, Olivia, and it always sent shivers up and down my spine. You are so beautiful…why were you taken away from me?
I still have those roses that you gave me. I can't remember why you even gave them to me in the first place, but I know you made yourself a permanent fixture in my heart when you did. You had this silly little grin on your face, like a twelve-year old with her first boyfriend, and when I placed that ever-so-gentle kiss on your lips, I knew I had fallen in love.
And now…it's all over Olivia. I will never have you hold me in your arms again. The last time I saw that smile was the night before the crash. I can't ever hear that sexy, throaty laugh again, and even when I call your apartment, I get the greeting that says your line has been disconnected. Your cell phone still has your professional voicemail on it, though I'm the only person who calls it anymore.
Huang told me the only way I could ever begin to move on was to accept your death. This is me accepting it, Olivia. These ten days have proven to me what kind of person I am and the capacity of love that I have. You are my lover, even though you are no longer here. I will never love another person the way I loved you. I hope you know that, wherever you are now. I still half-expect to see your face in the precinct, but the face of your replacement is the one that glances back at me. I see the pain it causes Elliot, and the pain it causes me is so much more intense. I will never be able to say goodbye, which is okay with me, since you always hated goodbye anyway. But you're not here to argue anymore.
So, before I chicken out, before I decide this isn't the right thing to do, I'll say it:
Goodbye, Olivia.
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I rest the handwritten note on Olivia's gravesite and place a rock on top, hoping that it's strong enough to keep the letter from moving. Then, standing up from the cold, wet ground, I dust myself and continue to my car, knowing that the tears will soon be falling, and knowing that I'll never truly be able to heal.
Goodbye, Olivia.
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END