Authors' notes: This is a collaboration fic of JWM and deliriumbubbles. (please visit tumblr for our respective blogs)
Sequel to Aftermath
Warnings: mental illness, PTSD triggers, homophobic slurs
Summary: After having survived a brutal gay bashing and the implosion of his engagement, Kurt tries to cope with the aftermath of a traumatizing attack as well as his former terrible taste in men. Now, Kurt finds himself with too many options, in theatre, school, music, and his love life.
Part Ten
KURT
Kurt had imagined that, in the moments before his first big show, he'd be a wreck. He remembered what it was like, before performing with the Glee club for the first time at Sectionals, before his first duet with Blaine, before his first audition for Carmen Tibideaux… The sweating, the loose anxious feeling inside, his heart feeling like it might jump from his chest and go onstage by itself.
And it was like that. For about half an hour before the show started. Then he was waiting in the wings as people fussed with his hair and makeup, and watching the chorus onstage… and his nerves were gone. His heart continued to thud away, but now it moved with anticipation, an almost fury inside.
He was Samael. Just waiting for his moment to leap forward and own the dance floor where the courtesans vapidly exchanged pleasantries. Thirsting for the moment when he caught his prey.
Kurt took the stage with determination, danced his part, sang his lines almost effortlessly. There was no audience. Not now, not in this moment. There was just the faerie world, and all its complications. There was Jasper. There were beautiful men, and beautiful women, and all in between.
Kurt extended his leg, made his leap, and slipped through the crowd of the chorus, stabbing his first victim.
Blood spurted gloriously, and the audience gasped just before the stage went dark.
Now the real story would begin. Kurt couldn't be more eager.
There would be more gasps where those came from.
ADAM
As the lights went on for intermission, there was a brief moment of silence. Then, the audience roused as one and started clapping loudly. Adam and everyone else in the front rows were up in their seats. Adam couldn't stop grinning. It was no different next to him.
"Everyone sure is loving it," Burt said loudly over the noise, his fatherly smile nearly splitting his face in two. Carole beamed and nodded.
"What's not to love?" Adam replied. "It's breathtaking. The music, the singing, the dancing, the scenery-"
"The costumes!" Clementine added enthusiastically. "How can Kurt even dance in those pants?!"
Adam was glad the theatre had heated up considerably by all of the people there so he wasn't the only one with bright red cheeks– he had noticed Kurt's wardrobe as well. It was kind of hard not to, being in the front row and all. He knew from experience the lights would be far too bright for Kurt to see them, but the other way around, he had been able to make out every strained zipper and clasp.
"Kurt's used to stuff like that," Carole replied proudly. "And he always says it's not the size but the cut that makes the difference between a success and wardrobe malfunction."
"Well, he does work at Vogue," Adam said fondly. He loved the things Kurt wore, even if he was, by Kurt's standards, one of the world's most unlikely critics, wearing only faded jeans, henleys and beanies himself. "I mean, I don't claim to understand fashion at all, but he didn't get that job for his knowledge about car parts."
He looked back at Burt to find him watching him with a curious sort of look on his face.
"I sure wish Kurt knew more guys like you," Kurt's father blurted out.
"Sorry?" Adam asked.
"Burt," Carole hissed, but her husband ignored her.
"You know, someone who appreciates him but doesn't… make him forget he's not actually from New York."
"I'm not quite sure I know what you mean," Adam tried carefully.
Burt nodded back at Elliott. "Like that guy, who took Kurt to get a tattoo. I mean, I'm sure he's nice, but the way he looks is just-" He broke off.
Adam glanced at Elliott and tried to see him from Burt's point of view. The tuxedo was actually quite conservative, but he supposed the eyeliner, the sparkling earring and the extensively styled hairdo weren't.
"I know I'm probably old-fashioned, but secretly I'm kind of relieved they didn't work out," Burt finished his trail of thoughts.
"That's enough, Burt. I'm sure Elliott didn't make him get a tattoo. Kurt's an adult and can make his own choices," Carole said sternly.
"Yeah, but did he really have to jump from someone wearing clothes my own dad would've worn to Ziggy Stardust over there? Couldn't he have stopped somewhere in the middle, like-?" He gestured helplessly at Adam.
Clementine looped her arm through Adam's and gave it a comforting squeeze. "He did," she said simply, saving Adam from having to say it.
Adam nodded. "We, uh… Kurt and I dated for a few months after he and Blaine had broken up. The first time."
"Before he got engaged to that slimeball," Clementine added helpfully.
"Yeah, thanks, Clem," Adam mumbled. "I think they know."
Burt was staring again, but in a different way now, like he was trying to remember something. "Wait. You're Adam. I mean: you are Adam, the Adam? Kurt didn't tell me you were so…"
Adam braced himself.
"British," Carole supplied, and Burt looked confused, like he had been preparing to say something else but his wife changed his mind for him.
"Yeah. I mean, Kurt didn't say much, actually," he added sheepishly.
"It's alright," Adam said quickly, though it stung a bit that Kurt apparently hadn't talked about him to his family much. Adam did tell his family all about Kurt. Then again, considering Burt's view on things, maybe Adam understood why he might not be so keen on details of Kurt's love life as his own sisters were. But then there was this other thing Burt had said. Kurt and Elliott weren't together anymore? He wondered why. They had seemed quite perfect for each other.
"I didn't know you two still knew each other." Burt's brows knit together.
"We're still friends," Adam explained. "We only stopped talking because… Well, because his fiancé blocked my number."
Carole made an irritated noise. "The gall, I just… I'm glad you two were able to patch things up." She gave him a warm smile. "It's too bad that Kurt couldn't have brought you around. I mean, I don't know what his plans were, but he must have had his reasons. His friends were so nosy back then. If he'd said much more, you would've had Tina showing up at your door, ordering you to get out of the way of her boys."
Burt frowned even more deeply and shook his head. "That girl just went off-kilter."
"Well, and I'm sure he told you about the stress our family was going through. I can't imagine he would've invited anyone home under those circumstances." Carole sighed. "I wonder if he even spoke to Rachel about it, at the time. Though I wish he were more inclined to let his friends help."
"It'd be nice if he told us a few things," Burt groused.
Adam remained quiet. From Burt's comments, and the few that he'd gleaned from Kurt, Adam could guess why Kurt held back with his parents. And, maybe, why he'd held back so much when they had been together. Behavior like that wasn't innate; it was learned.
"Well, maybe," Adam said tentatively, "if you asked-"
"Asked? For him to tell us things?" Burt leveled his gaze on Adam, as though he'd overstepped his bounds.
Adam touched his lips lightly, then shook his head. It wasn't as though he had much to lose with this man. Kurt did, though. "I suppose that would be a start, but I can't pretend to know what you two talk about!" he joked lightly. "I meant about the tattoo he got for Finn."
Carole's eyes grew huge as she leaned forward. "For Finn?"
Adam nodded, gauging their expressions. Carole eager to hear anything about Finn, Burt strangely suspicious.
"It's on his ankle. With Finn's nickname, Frankenteen?" Adam offered.
Burt's brow grew deeper, but Carole's hands flew to her mouth and she whispered, "He… Oh, Burt."
She touched his arm and blinked quickly as emotion overcame her.
"Kurt said that Finn was still a part of him, and that-" Adam paused, remembering that conversation just before he'd gone to England. "-now he was written as much on his body as on his heart. Oh, something like that."
"Awwww!" Clementine squealed.
Carole seemed almost breathless at the revelation.
"Huh," Burt said.
"I just thought, if you wanted to know that sort of thing, you could ask about that. To begin with, anyway." Adam shrugged. "He didn't seem to mind talking about it."
"I see," Burt said.
Adam smiled and rose. "I'm going to stretch my legs for a bit."
He touched Clementine's shoulder on his way out, and then headed for the restroom. There was a bit of a line, so he looked around at the people scattered around the lobby. It wasn't long before he spotted a smattering of NYADA professors clustered together. Oh, what he wouldn't give to hear what they had to say.
Then his eyes caught sight of Elliott, leaning against a wall, toying with an earring and talking with Santana and Dani. Adam wondered again at what Burt had said about it being over with Elliott. Was Elliott sitting among the rows, among friends, masking a broken heart? Did he ache? Was it both agonizing and sweet to watch Kurt so magnificent and perfect onstage? Adam definitely knew what that felt like.
Adam was torn for a moment. He and Elliott were friends, but it would be odd to talk to him about Kurt… It also might be manipulative to talk about the situation with everyone besides Kurt himself. It was bad enough that he'd talked to Kurt's father behind his back, even by accident.
Nothing to be done about it now, though. He would certainly talk to Kurt after the show, if only to tell him how spectacularly amazing he was. Samael was more than Adam had even been able to imagine. He hoped the reception would be good, but if the pre-show reviews were anything to go by, Kurt would have his evenings booked for a long time.
KURT
The applause was deafening, and it just wouldn't stop. Kurt grinned as he looked at Marco and Sofia, squeezing their hands at either side of him. "Another go?" he mouthed at them over the noise, and nodded at the curtain. They had already gone off stage and returned for their accolades five times in a row, with the main cast, the full crew, and the three leads coming up for their curtain calls in separate groups. They had done a small encore reprisal of the musical's theme. They had thanked the director, the writers, the choreographer, the orchestra and the conductor, and yet the audience would not stop calling for them. Marco shook his head and stepped up to make himself heard over the crowd.
"Nah, this one is all yours, Kurt. Go on. You deserve it."
Kurt had to swallow a lump in his throat, but he couldn't deny how good it felt to finally be the star of something. They were clapping for him. They wanted Samael– and they wanted Kurt. He took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and let go of his co-stars to take the stage alone.
The audience became even louder. Kurt walked right up to the edge of the stage and looked around, smiling appreciatively and trying to make them feel like he was making eye contact despite the blinding lights, occasionally giving a small nod to acknowledge their support. Then, the exultation from the audience's reaction and the post-performance adrenaline woke the showman in him, and he reached for his sai swords. He pulled them free from the loops on his belt and spun them faster than he had dared during the show, letting the shiny weapons whizz around his wrists as he slowly raised his arms to shoulder level, only to let them come to an abrupt stop between his fingers, the shafts pointing outward to lengthen his arms to a dramatic victory pose. The brilliant lightning crew, recognizing this as the climax of the curtain calls, immediately blacked out all the lights except for a round spotlight on Kurt, making the weapons sparkle dangerously.
The pandemonium that broke out told Kurt this was probably going to be his signature move after the shows from now on.
As the noise slowly started dying, the lights in the seating area swelled, and Kurt sheathed his swords, took a short bow, and left the stage. Not before he had seen his father's beaming face, however. It was even better than that time he had scored the winning point for his high school football team. He wanted to jump up and down and scream, "Dad! Dad! Did you see?!"
But he didn't.
Backstage, stage assistants were taking the lead to gather the excited players. The actors' jobs might be over for the night, but theirs was only half done.
"Alright, no one leaves until all props and weapons are accounted for!" Jamie shouted. "Have someone sign you off at the door or I will come and drag you back from the after-party!"
Kurt grinned. He knew the small but fierce woman was good for her word. He dutifully began removing all of the props from his costume, in between being hugged by almost all of the crew, it seemed. It had taken some getting used to the touchy-feely way they all treated each other, but after so many weeks together, it felt like family, and he returned each hug with heart-felt warmth.
"Well done," Jasper whispered into his ear as he squeezed Kurt tightly. "It's been an honor to write my songs for you." Then, he let go, cleared his throat, and said loudly: "And don't drink too much tonight. You don't wanna mess with that voice, kid."
Kurt grinned. "No worries. I've got plenty of vocal chord soothers left over from my roommate."
It took Kurt and the main cast quite some time to get from the theatre to the after-party venue. By the time they had changed out of their costumes and had their props lists signed off, a small crowd had formed outside the stage door. Newly won fans and journalists clamored for their attention; people held out playbills and markers. Kurt had never been asked to sign one of his own pictures before. (A few girls wearing self-made One Three Hill fanshirts also held out printed screenshots of Kurt and Elliott's kiss for him to sign, which was a little awkward, but Kurt thanked them for coming and signed anyway.) He tried to give each person as much attention as he could, but at some point, Sofia reminded him that their friends and families would be waiting at the party, as well as a few press agents who would be expecting quotes and pictures from the main cast, and they had to be back at the theatre the next afternoon. He reluctantly left, unable to suppress a small but lingering worry that something might happen between today and tomorrow (bad reviews? awful YouTube clips? Alison suddenly realizing she wanted to recast Samael?), and this could have been the only time he'd ever experience success.
The after-party soon made him forget his worries. As soon as he was there, he was practically tackled by Mercedes, bear-hugged by his teary-eyed dad, and lifted into the air by Elliott and Sam while the rest of his friends cheered and raised their glasses in his honor. At the end of what seemed an everlasting queue of well-wishers and media journalists taking pictures, when Kurt was just wondering where he had left his fifth barely sipped glass of champagne (over-enthusiastic waiters kept clearing away the glasses he put down to allow himself to be hugged), Kurt saw a very welcome familiar face. In his usual, reserved and polite way, Adam had waited to the last to give Kurt time with his family before coming up to him. Kurt could tell that underneath that calm patience was a bubbling source of enthusiasm, though, and it started flowing out of him as soon as Adam stood in front of Kurt.
"That was amazing. Simply amazing! I was at the edge of my seat the whole time! Kurt, you were absolutely fantastic!"
"Thank you," Kurt replied, doing his best not to look away or blush too hard while he said it. By now he knew better than to deflect Adam's compliments– the man would simply insist anyway. (There were plenty of 'but I breathed on the wrong note in the fifth song' and 'I missed a step at the finale' that would haunt him tonight, but Kurt had always hated it when Rachel griped over her own performances like that, so he tried keeping it to himself.)
"I hope Max liked it, too?" he asked, trying to sound casual as he looked around for Adam's handsome boyfriend, secretly hoping he might look terrible in formal clothes.
Adam pressed his lips into a thin-lipped smile for a moment, then softened his expression. "I'm sure he would have, Kurt. But he's in San Francisco. He, uh… got a job offer there and, well, as it turns out, five years was a little too long to just pick up where we left off."
"Oh." Kurt did a little double-take. "I'm so sorry."
Adam shrugged. "It's alright. I think we both just got swept up in nostalgia for a little bit. It's easy to forget one another's less attractive habits if you spend enough time apart."
"Mmm." Kurt repressed the memory of his accepting Blaine's proposal back in Lima. He knew what longing for something you had lost and idealized in your mind was like, only to have harsh reality slap you in the face. So Mr. Handsome Masterchef hadn't been so perfect after all.
He couldn't be, to give this man up.
Adam was dressed in a well-cut black suit and, Kurt noticed as his cheeks flushed involuntarily, a skinny, black tie. He wondered if that tie had some special memories for Adam, too.
"That bit at the end, the very end, after the encores…" Adam shook his head. "I always knew you could be a showman, Kurt, but that was just brilliant. If only someone were smart enough to snatch you up. That'll be on front page of all the entertainment sections, I'm absolutely certain."
"Well, my secret desire to be a fucking ninja had to pay off sometime." Kurt pinched his lips to the side and looked down. "I'm really glad you came. It just means a lot for you to see this. I dunno how to say it… You were the first person in this city to really see me. You were the first one here to watch me perform and just…" Kurt let out a sigh. "Just love what I do. That makes performing this for you sort of special."
"I think everyone at the Winter Showcase loved watching you, Kurt. That's what the standing ovation means," Adam said gently. "And Madam Tibideaux admitted you based on that performance!"
"You were the only one to say anything though. And she'd rejected me twice already." Kurt laughed. "No. You're special, Adam. You are. To me. And I hope people recognize what a sharp eye and mind you have for spotting and fostering talent, soon."
Now Adam's cheeks were getting a bit pink, and he smiled that sweet, self-effacing smile. "Thank you, darling."
For an awkward moment, neither of them said anything. Kurt wondered what the chance was of getting Adam alone to talk for a bit. Then, a tall young man with a camera slipped through the crowd next to them.
"Mind another picture? Who is this?" the man asked.
"You can take one of me, but…" Kurt looked to Adam in askance.
"I'm his numbah one fan. I don't mind." Adam turned to the camera and gave an extra sunny smile as the man took a few pictures. When the man finished, he thanked them and gave a wave. Adam turned to Kurt and tented his brows, looking slightly anxious. "Will that be a problem for the PR? Do you need to be photographed with your costars?"
Kurt waved a hand. "They've gotten plenty of pictures of Marco and Sofia and I. And if they want more, they can come see the play tomorrow." He smirked, then leaned in closer to Adam. "There's a bit of a surprise."
"Oh? A surprise?" Adam leaned forward. "What surprise?"
Kurt held a finger to his lips, which twitched with deep amusement. Then, when Adam's eyes had widened in curiosity, and his lips bowed just slightly, Kurt whispered, "There's a different ending."
Adam's mouth dropped open. "Really? Is it just… How different is it?"
"You'll have to wait for the reviews." Kurt shook his head teasingly.
"Maybe I'll just sneak in tomorrow to see it!"
"You don't have to sneak in. I can tell you after the show tomorrow, but not before. Elliott's going to see the whole thing again for… reasons." Kurt laughed a little at the expression Elliott had made, talking about Kurt and Marco kissing.
"Elliott, so… So you two are… alright?" Adam asked tentatively.
"Me and Elliott? Oh, well… " Kurt paused for a moment and took a deep sip of his champagne. "That happened then unhappened kinda fast. But we're okay. It was a little awkward at first, but… We're still friends, and that's for the good. I don't know what I'd do, if we couldn't be friends anymore."
Adam pursed his lips thoughtfully. "The two of you are close. He's the one you ran to, when things with…" He stopped and shook his head. "Kurt, I'm glad you have him as a friend. But I want to be clear…" He broke off again. "Sorry, I'm not sure this is the time for it."
"No, no, Adam. If you have something you want to talk about-" Kurt took Adam's arm, smiled at a few crew members and pulled the two of them over to an uninhabited corner. Then he let go and motioned for Adam to sit.
"I appreciate that. It's a big night for you. I don't want to divert the attention from you or sully it in any way," Adam said almost sternly.
"No, it's fine…" Kurt had just sat down, but he looked up then, suddenly. "Are you okay? You're not sick or any-"
"No!" Adam took Kurt's hand in his own, the large hand enveloping a few of Kurt's long, graceful fingers. "I'm perfectly healthy. No worries there."
Kurt took a deep breath and nodded, letting it out slowly. The relief probably showed on his face, because Adam pressed his hand in reassurance.
"I promise you I'm fine." Adam shifted in his seat a little. "I just wanted to ask…" he started, still looking a little hesitant. "Before I left for England this summer, I kind of had the feeling that you and I… Well, that we were starting to get close again."
Kurt got a sinking feeling in his stomach. Was this the moment where Adam told him he felt neglected as a friend? Hoping he wouldn't sound too much like Rachel, Kurt opened his mouth to try and explain how busy he had been, but Adam frowned and spoke before he could.
"But then when I came back I couldn't help but notice how close you were with Elliott. I kept telling myself you were just friends, and I couldn't possibly have made the mistake of falling for you twice while you were really in love with someone else, but the more I saw you two together, the more I realized that maybe that really did happen."
Kurt breathed in sharply.
"But unlike with Blaine, I couldn't really be angry," Adam continued. "Except maybe with myself, a little. Clearly, my 'not now' had become for you a 'not ever,' and before I'd shown you how I felt, you were moving on. I knew Elliott is a great guy, and he really cares for you. So when I saw you dancing in the club, I thought: Okay, Adam, it's time you step aside and give Kurt the chance to decide for himself. And you did."
"But…!" Kurt started to protest. The few sips of champagne he had managed to drink were now swirling around in his stomach, making him feel dizzy. All this time, Adam had still had feelings for him? And he hadn't noticed? He vividly remembered telling Elliott (long before they had kissed) how he had blown all his chances with Adam.
"I know," Adam replied, nodding with a wry smile, "that sounds horribly conceited. I'm sure you would have done your own thing even if I had been hanging around more waiting for you. But I just wanted to make things easier."
"By dating Nikolas," Kurt filled in flatly.
Adam shot him a guilty look. "That may have been sort of a knee-jerk reflex after seeing that YouTube video of you and Elliott," he admitted.
"You wanted to get back at me?" Kurt asked quietly, unable to keep memories from Blaine's passive-aggressive behavior from popping up in his mind.
Adam sat up. "No! No, of course not. I mean, there was nothing to get back at you for. I was just… a little sad and lonely, I suppose. And I thought it would make it easier."
"Make what easier?"
"Getting over you, so I could be a proper friend again."
"But you've always been a proper friend," Kurt replied. "Stop saying you aren't!" He paused. "Did it work?"
Adam looked at him for a moment and sighed. "No. When I realized what I was trying to do, I broke up with him. It wasn't fair or healthy for either of us."
"I thought you broke up with him because Max showed up," Kurt said.
Adam shook his head. "I'm quite pathetic," he said, avoiding Kurt's eyes and looking over at the other party guests. "Max saw through me almost right away. So much for being a theatre school graduate, huh?"
Kurt wasn't sure what to say. His mind was spinning with all the might-have-beens and missed chances, and the heartache he had unwittingly inflicted on Adam (yet again). When he finally sorted through his thoughts, the first thing he said was: "I wasn't in love with Elliott."
Adam looked confused, and Kurt hurried to explain.
"I mean, I wanted to be. I tried to be. He's handsome and kind and funny and-" He broke off, shaking his head. "He's my best friend. He makes me feel safe, and I thought: what could be more perfect than dating my best friend? I'd never thought about it before, but when he kissed me, I figured…" He shrugged. "I didn't know you still cared about me like that," he added a little defensively. "I mean, when I kissed you after the memorial, you said you didn't want me."
Adam shook his head. "No, Kurt, I-" He sighed. "That's not what I meant. You were hurting. I didn't want to take advantage of that."
Kurt pushed on. "And then we did all of these couple-y things without ever going beyond platonic cuddling. It didn't matter what kind of movie we watched, or what songs I played for you, or what clothes I wore. Right up until you left."
Adam looked a little hurt now, and Kurt could feel the ever-old mantra return to his thoughts. You suck at relationships. His inner voice was condescending and sounded eerily like Blaine. Apparently what he thought had been a big, blinking neon sign over his head saying "I'M READY!" had been too subtle (or too un-sexy, or just too Kurt, his inner voice nastily added).
"It did matter. I did notice," Adam said. "I was just afraid. I thought if I started pushing you, and it was too soon, the way I did when I knew you were still in love with Blaine, I'd mess everything up. I was giving you space." He frowned a little. "Too much space, apparently."
It hurt. Space had been the last thing Kurt wanted back then. After never having any space at all with Blaine suffocating him, the months after their break-up felt like he was floundering, thrown into a void. Adam 'giving him space' had felt like he was keeping his distance of the crazy.
Mercedes' words suddenly came back to him. If a guy respects your boundaries, that's a good thing. You know that, right?
His heart sank. Was he just doomed to make the same mistakes over and over again? Adam hadn't wanted to crowd him. Elliott hadn't pushed him into making up his mind. And he had interpreted both their intentions as "I'm not interesting enough."
Adam picked up Kurt's hand between the two of his and kissed it gently. "I didn't say all of this to ruin your night. Maybe I should've waited-"
"No. I would want to know this, no matter when you decided to tell me. But… Why now? Because you heard about Elliott?" Kurt's skin was still prickling with anxiety. He didn't know what to do from here, especially if the answer was more 'space.'
"Well, partially. Partially because I was sitting next to your father, who spilled that tidbit, and I didn't want to talk to anyone else about our relationship before I'd gotten things straight with you." Adam sighed. "It didn't seem right."
Kurt gave a short nod. "That's very honorable."
"And… To be perfectly honest, I felt like if I waited until tomorrow morning, another guy might have already snatched you up while I was fussing around." Adam smiled warmly, then cringed. "Oh, no! Don't look like that! It's a joke, darling. You're a prime catch!"
"Well, I don't think anyone can say I haven't been fickle."
"Fickle suggests not being able to make up one's mind. If I'm not an option in your mind, it's not like you you chose Elliott over me. I wasn't there to be chosen." Adam looked down, tenting his brows. "I wanted… I wanted to take care of you, and give you what you needed, but… I could've been more… I mean, Max has called me a wet hen a time or two."
Kurt raised his brows. "And that crazy Britishism means…?"
"That I'm soggy and boring."
Kurt flattened his lips into a line. "Then Max is an asshole."
"Oh! He is not. Better off than a lame duck. He's just…" Adam shook his head and stroked his fingers over the back of his hand. "I love how fiery you are. I've never had a guy defend me the way you do. Your spirit is indomitable. From ill treatment from your friends, to chances stolen from you by bigotry, to literally surviving anything thrown at you– Nothing stops you. Not completely, not for long. In comparison, I really am a wet hen. I couldn't do half the stuff you do with one hand tied behind your back. Even if I could, I'm not sure I can ever match your passion. Or your strength. I've never been that way. And while I would have preferred if you could slow down, for me and for yourself so you could heal, I also think that there's a reason if you just didn't feel… what I felt for you."
Kurt was silent for a moment. Then he pulled his chair closer to Adam's, lifted Adam's chin with his hand, and brushed away a few tears. Adam met his eye, and pressed his lips together in a somewhat embarrassed smile.
"I don't know if I can be still," Kurt admitted. "But I know that ever since I called it off with us the first time, I had doubts. Ever since you were out of my life, I felt it, and I missed your energy, even if it's different from my own. And ever since I saw you again, standing at the door with your beanie and that bouquet of apples-" Kurt laughed softly. "-just because you'd heard your jerk ex had been in the hospital, and you were worried… It aches. I don't know how else to put it. I want you in my life, and not just as a friend, even though you were worth the pain of having lost you."
"Kurt…"
"I can try to slow down. I can try to open up." Kurt felt his insides threatening to rebel. Adam gave him so much credit for bravery, but talking to Adam about this after everything that had gone between them was terrifying in a different way. "I can try to do it, if you still want to try to keep up. We'll meet half-way. But… I don't want you to feel like you're not enough, just because I have this demented complex about believing people could actually love me unconditionally."
Adam's eyes were wide, and still a little wet, as he looked at Kurt. Kurt wasn't the mind-reader that Adam seemed to be sometimes, but he remembered that look. That vulnerable, wounded expression, the near-tears and open features. Adam always seemed palpably hurt himself when he saw or heard Kurt hurting. That was when Kurt heard Alison calling his name across the room. Kurt turned his head to see her standing with a group of unfamiliar people, then sighed.
"Sorry. I have to go. Think about it?" Kurt rose and leaned over to press a kiss to Adam's forehead.
Adam caught his hand just as he moved toward Alison. "I don't need to think about it. I want to try."
Kurt bounced a little and beamed. "Oh! Yay. Okay. Um… text me later? We can meet for coffee or something later this week and talk more?"
"I'd love to," Adam said solemnly.
Kurt didn't want to go, but this wasn't a great place for this discussion, and Kurt needed some time to think about everything they had said anyway. Alison was beckoning him forward, emphatically, with one arm. He took Adam's hand, gave it a gentle kiss, and whispered, "See you later."