The Pikes Talk
Jeff sighed, "I don't know."
I moved over so that I was on the bed next to Jeff and raised myself up on my elbows. "And what do I tell my parents tomorrow? God, what do you think Jordan said to them when we left?"
"I don't know Byron. I don't have any answers," Jeff said.
"I know you don't." I sighed. "Listen. I won't tell my parents about you. I have to come out to them. I mean, obviously I have to now. But it's not fair that I'd tell them about you before you tell your own parents." I was half-hoping Jeff would say No, you just tell them everything. Because I really wanted to tell my parents everything.
Instead he said, "Thanks, I appreciate it." Then he paused. "Of course, this is all assuming Jordan hasn't told them everything already."
"Ugh," I said. "I'll bet he has, that little bitch."
Jeff snickered. There was a sound from downstairs, the front door opening and closing. "Shit!" Jeff said suddenly. "Mom and Richard." We jumped out of bed and put our clothes on as fast as we could. I quickly covered the wet stain on Jeff's bedsheets with the comforter. Jeff ran to unlock the door while I grabbed the remote control and turned the television on and started flipping around. Jeff had just made it back to the bed, sitting down with several feet between us, when there was a knock on his door.
"Come in!" Jeff called as I grabbed the bottle of lube off the bedside table and stuck it behind my back.
Mrs. Spier peeked her head in the room. "Hi Byron," she said to me. "Your mom called me on my cell, she told me you'd be coming over. Is everything all right?" She glanced at my hair.
I patted my hair down as I nodded. "Yes ma'am."
She looked a little concerned, "Do you want to talk about what you were fighting with your brother about?."
Jeff rolled his eyes, "Mom! He's here to cool off. We've got it under control!"
"All right, all right. There's leftover cabbage and tofu salad in the fridge if you boys get hungry."
"Thanks Mrs. Spier," I said. When she closed the door I turned to Jeff, "I don't care what you say. I will never eat cabbage and tofu salad."
Jeff laughed again. "Good catch with the lube, by the way."
I pulled it out from behind my back. Evidently the cap wasn't on tightly, and it had leaked all over my hands. I looked down at my hands, covered in lube. I knew one way to keep my mind off Jordan and my parents. "Shame to waste all this nice lube..." I said as seductively as I could manage.
"God damn, you're a machine." Jeff said smiling and pulling down his pants.
The next morning I ate breakfast at Jeff's house. I wasn't in any hurry to get home to tell the truth. Last night had gone down as one of the worst I could ever remember.
Mrs. Spier was making omelettes with mushrooms and green peppers and Mr. Spier was making toast, whole-wheat of course. I thought longingly of the unhealthy white bread and sausage patties that would be cooking at my own house at this time.
"Are you feeling better today, Byron?" asked Mrs. Spier.
I wasn't. Well, I was slightly less angry, but I was jumpier than a frog. "Yeah, I'm OK," I said shoveling a big bite of omelette in my mouth.
"I hope you will learn that physical violence never solves any problems, Byron," Mr. Spier said evenly as he carefully set a stack of perfect toast in the middle of the table.
I swallowed. Mr. Spier always made me so nervous with his conservative mannerisms. I think he'd never been a teenager. I nodded my head vigorously, wanting to get on his good side, "Yes, sir." I said. "I think I'll keep my temper in check from now on."
"You know, Richard," Jeff said. God, Jeff can't keep his mouth shut sometimes. Couldn't he see I'm trying to get on his parents' good sides? I mean, I am his boyfriend and that's what the boyfriend is supposed to do. But Jeff continued, "Sometimes people say things that they really deserve a good punch in the face for saying."
Richard sighed and shook his head. I knew Jeff had tried to get under his skin like this before but Richard obviously was having none of it. He knew Jeff was just goading him. Richard smiled mildly and said, "Well Jeff, this may be one instance where we will have to agree to disagree."
"Really, Richard?" Jeff persisted. "You've never just wanted to pop someone in the face."
Richard looked over his glasses at Jeff. "Wanting to and actually doing it are two very different things. Everyone has wanted to hit someone at one point. It takes thought and maturity to keep yourself from doing so."
Jeff rolled his eyes, "I still say some people deserve it."
"Hmm," Richard said mildly, taking a slice of toast. Clearly he wasn't going to go further in to this discussion.
We ate in silence for a few minutes when the phone rang. Mr. Spier reached over and answered it, "Spier-Shafer residence." Jeff looked at me and rolled his eyes.
Mr. Spier covered the mouthpiece and handed the phone to me, "It's Adam," he said.
Jeff and I looked at each other, eyes widening. Jeff spoke up first, "he'll take it in the den." Mr. Spier narrowed his eyes, but didn't say anything as I ran to the den.
"Adam?" I said when I picked up the phone. I heard the click from the kitchen phone hanging up. "What's going on?"
He was talking quietly, obviously not wanting to be overheard, "I just wanted to let you know that Jordan cooled way off last night. I think he's sorry about some things. Nicky and I both talked him down. Neither one of us said anything to mom and dad about what the fight was about."
"Thank god," I whispered back. "Listen, we aren't saying anything about Jeff to mom and dad. I just can't out him like that. So the fight was just about me. I'm going to come out to them and if Jordan's really sorry we can make something up to make him sound like less of an asshole. Like he felt like I'd been lying to him this whole time or whatever. We'll just wing it."
"OK. Listen, mom and dad are making Nicky, Vanessa, Margo and Claire get out of the house for the morning so we can do this talk or whatever in private. They wanted me to go too, but I wanted to stay because I was there. And I want to run interference if you need me to."
"Thanks," I said and I really meant it. I was overwhelmed by Adam's support.
"I..." Adam hesitated. "Listen, By. I'm sorry if I acted stupid and jealous yesterday. I didn't mean it."
"Christ Adam," I said, my throat closing off a bit. "It's fine, don't worry about it. I'll see you in a few, OK?"
I hung up the phone and walked back in to the kitchen. "Everything OK?" Jeff asked.
I nodded. "Adam says that Jordan has cooled off considerably," I said carefully, trying not to give anything away to Mr. and Mrs. Spier.
Jeff nodded, "Cool," and he seemed to get it.
"Thanks for breakfast and letting me stay here last night," I said to Mr. and Mrs. Spier. "I need to get home now."
As I ran upstairs to grab my overnight bag, I heard Mrs. Spier say, "So polite."
Then Mr. Spier said, "Too polite. I think he's up to something." I rolled my eyes and snickered. I was certainly up to something with his stepson last night.
When I walked in the front door, the first thing I noticed was how quiet everything was. Jordan and Adam were in the living room floor doing homework and my parents were on the couch reading. Jordan's nose and part of his cheek were bruised from where I'd hit him, which made me feel oddly good about myself. I walked into the living room and put my bag on the floor. "Hi." I said. My palms were sweaty and I was shaking.
My mom jumped up to make room for me on the couch, but I sat on the floor, next to my brothers, in a show of solidarity among triplets. I purposely didn't want to distance myself from them, because what I was about to tell my parents would probably do that in their mind. Instead of Adam, Jordan and Byron, identical triplets, we'd become Adam and Jordan two-thirds of a set of identical triplets with Byron the gay third triplet. As much as I felt suffocated throughout my life at always being lumped together with those two, I hated that I had something that made me so inherently different.
"So you boys know we don't fight in this house," Dad began after clearing his throat. "That is not the way that we solve problems." Jordan and I nodded solemnly but didn't say anything yet. "There's never been a major physical fight in this family. And although your mother and I usually like to let you kids work things out on your own, that seems to be a problem here. So we're going to run a little interference." We nodded again. "Now, consensus seems to be that Byron threw the first punch. So we'll start there." Dad turned to me. "Byron, what did Jordan say that made you think it was acceptable to punch him?"
"Well," I said slowly and very carefully. "We got into an argument because he thought I'd been flirting with Hannah Lee." Dad started to say something but I held up my hand. "Please let me finish because I really want to get this all out, OK?"
"Fair enough," Dad agreed.
"So I was telling him that I wasn't flirting, that I wouldn't flirt with her. And he was getting angry and I didn't know what else to say, so I told him I'm gay. Which I am, and which I'm telling you now that I am. And Jordan was a little..um...unkind about me being gay and he accused me of having lied to him and to our whole family. And it kind of made me angry because it's true that I've been lying when I pretend to be impressed by pretty girls," and now I embarrassingly started to cry, but I didn't even try to stop, "and I thought he'd see how difficult it's been for me to have to have lied to everyone. So I hit him. And that's it. That's my story. And...and I'm gay," I added just for good measure.
Mom and dad were quiet for a moment, looking at me with wide eyes. "You're gay?" mom finally asked.
I nodded, my eyes still pouring tears.
"Oh buddy," Mom crooned. (Buddy was her name for any of her sons when we were little and got injured and were crying.) Mom patted the seat of the couch next to her and I went and sat down. Mom put her arm around me. "Buddy, it's OK. Don't cry." But I couldn't stop.
My dad put his arm around me, "Hey. It's OK. We're not mad. I wish you'd been able to tell us sooner. We don't ever want you to feel like you have to lie to us." Dad turned to Jordan, "You know that we support each other in this family," he said sternly.
"Don't." I cut in. I didn't want Jordan to get in trouble on my behalf. We've always stuck up for each other and old habits die hard. "Jordan was just surprised. He wasn't thinking. I know he didn't mean what he said."
We all turned to look at Jordan. He nodded vigorously. "I didn't. I just, you know, went down to the rec room all angry because I thought he was flirting with Hannah Lee and when it turned out I was so wrong about that, I kind of kept being angry. And I did feel like Byron'd been keeping us in the dark a little bit. Because Adam and I've always told him everything, even really personal stuff. But Adam and Nicky talked to me last night, and I get it. I get that it was harder for Byron."
I couldn't tell if Jordan meant it, or if he was just paying lip service to get out of trouble.
My parents nodded, so it seems that neither of us was going to get grounded. "So Nicky knows too?" Mom asked quietly.
"Yeah, I told him when I was going to pack to go to Jeff's."
"So Jeff knows?"
"Um, yeah. He knows. But you know, he's cool. It doesn't bother him," out of the corner of my eye I saw Adam smirk.
"Who else knows?" Dad asked.
"Let's see. You guys in this room, Nicky, me, and Jeff. That's it." As mom and dad nodded, I added, "Oh, and Mary Anne Spier."
"Mary Anne?" everyone asked at the same time.
I blushed. "Yeah, it just kind of slipped out once when I was at Jeff's this summer and she overheard. But she promised not to say anything to anyone." I scratched my cheek and quickly stopped. Adam told me once I'd be a bad poker player because I always scratch my face when I lie.
Dad nodded seriously. "I see. And how does something like that slip out, when you've been so careful to keep secrets from your family for god knows how many years."
"Um," I said scratching at my forehead. "Well, Jeff and I were just sitting there hanging out and Jeff made an inappropriate joke about me, and a...uh...guy that we know. And he was just joking, but Mary Anne overheard it and she just...figured it out.
Adam looked at me and mimicked me scratching my forehead. I quickly stopped. Mom and Dad nodded seriously.
"OK. Well." Mom seemed to be at a little bit of a loss of what to say for a few minutes. "Thank you for telling us Byron. Don't ever be afraid to tell us anything in the future or come to us with a problem. Do you understand?"
I nodded. But, yeah right. I'm sure several months ago, Mom would have loved for me to come to her saying 'Hey Mom. Not to get to graphic or anything, but Jeff's stepsister walked in on us while I was giving Jeff a blowjob. What should I do?' Yeah, that'd go over about as well as a fart in church.
"And Byron, you're absolutely sure? Sure that you are...?" Dad drifted off. Adam and Jordan looked up sharply.
I felt my ire raising. "God. Yes, dad."
Dad held up his palm. "Don't be offended. I just know that adolescence can be a really confusing time period."
"I'm not confused," I spat. "I'm not going through a phase. I know who I am. I know what I am. I have since I was at least twelve years old."
Dad looked chagrined as mom hugged me saying, "Poor buddy." She sounded sad. "You thought you had to keep this a secret for that long."
I didn't hug my mother back. I felt uncomfortable with her affections, so I asked "Can I go shower? Do you need anything else?"
A brief look of hurt crossed Mom's face before it softened into concern. "Of course, go ahead."
I grabbed my bag and trudged upstairs. I couldn't wait to shower. I think I still had dried blood in my hair. I took the hottest shower I could stand, carefully pulling the butterfly bandage from my scalp, taking a chunk of hair with it. The shampoo stung my cut, but I washed my hair thoroughly to get rid of all traces of blood.
As I got out of the shower, I wrapped a towel around my waist and walked back in to the bedroom. Adam and Jordan were in there talking quietly, but they fell silent as I walked in.
I didn't say anything to either one of them as I began to get dressed. Both of them had their noses in their text books, but I could see them sneaking surreptitious looks in my direction. I chose to ignore such looks.
Once I was dressed, I grabbed my own history text book and lay on my bed with it. I didn't open it, but instead stared at the bottom of Nicky's bunk as the weight of the last day fell onto my chest. The enormity of what I'd been through and how my life had changed in such a short amount of time left me nearly breathless when I thought about it. That I was going to be a different Byron to my parents and to my brothers was frightening. Half of me wanted to go back in time and tell them nothing, to simply apologize to Jordan when he accused me of flirting with Hannah Lee. The other half of me wanted to hold my head high and go about my life out and proud, and fuck anyone who tried to keep me from happiness.
I thought coming out was supposed to be cleansing somehow. That I would have told people and I'd feel lighter, freer when it happened. But I didn't. I felt more unsure about myself than ever. I felt weighed down.
The more I thought about this, the more tired I became of thinking about it. I closed my eyes and fell nearly instantly in to a deep sleep.