AN: Unfortunately, I will have to read three courses in the span of two months which equals studying at 150% pace, which means I probably won't be able to update this during that time. I am so sorry, but I just wanted you guys to know that I won't be abandoning this story, it's just that school has to go first. I will write when I have time, I just highly doubt that I will have it.
Thank you all for being patient and still sticking with this story. I also want to thank every single one of you who left a follow, review and a favorite. You guys are the best and I just want you to know how grateful I am that you are reading and leaving your thoughts on this even if I suck at updating. You're such sweethearts all of you.
Thanks for reading. Love always.
That's a fine looking high horse
Her room was clad in a murky kind of darkness. The kind that emerged long after the sun had set all the way behind the horizon, like the earth tried in vain to regain that last sunlight as desperately as a thirsty man in a dessert with only dew on a cactus thorn to drink from.
It had been hours since the other left, but she hadn't even managed to move from the bed while the night grew heavier. The crying had eventually stopped, the body can only produce so much tears it seemed, but the sadness hadn't left her. Piper guessed she was just too exhausted to do anything else than just... stare blindly into the wall and let her thoughts drain her to a place where everything would hopefully just be still. That was what she wished for, but the blonde knew that she was far beyond the point where wishes meant something. If she was able to fall asleep she could, at best, be looking at a dreamless rest and even then, the silent stress that was slowly clogging her lungs with it's infectious dark anxiety, would ruin any good the rest would do.
Since Alex came into her life, her reality seemed to become too real and wishes isn't for reality. Even if she was kind of harshly uprooted from her own safe little "normal-bubble" she didn't regret going out that dark night she found her. How could she regret it? It was such a disgusting thing to even think, that getting to know the raven-haired girl was something she could on some level regret. No, the guilt over the fact that she hadn't even tried to do something about helping Alex was hurting her more than the stress. Piper had let her wander into an unsafe place without even lifting a finger to stop her.
These thoughts had been grounding around in her brain endlessly since Alex had taken the first step out into the cold and unforgiving autumn night. But the grinding didn't seem to turn them into dust, they only seemed to gain more armor from the wearing process of repeating. Nothing other than actual actions could make it better, but Piper was boneless. Like the last few hours that they had spent together was the one thing that had held the blonde together from completely falling apart from the mess their encounter had become. Like some kind of hastily made arts and craft from a second grade class, barley making it home alive in a dirty backpack. Tape and stick glue in all its dull glory. And Piper wondered if it was yet another naïve thought that Alex had held her together, like Piper knowing what had happened to the other girl would somehow make it better. Like just the mere presence of the other would magically make everything feel alright again.
At last, Piper let herself be taken away by the sandman, childishly hoping he could be merciful and bring her the energy she would need to cope.
There was a faint knock on her door, and she tried to get herself to actually open her eyes and comprehend who it could be. Piper felt her world spin and her whole body felt like syrup, not one of her limbs seemed to obey her command to move, so she gave up and closed her eyes again. She didn't have enough strength to keep them open. Just for a split second she felt energy rouse through her as she had thought that against all odds it would be Alex coming back to her. Coming back to curl up next to her. Cling to her like the only raft out on the massive expanse of a vast ocean. Maybe it was Piper who needed to hold onto the raven-haired girl, needed that kind of unconditional relationship they had developed during a few short days. Nothing in Piper's life had previously felt unconditional. Everything she ever did came with some kind of expectation or demand.
"Hi, I'm home." It was Cal's voice that came to her and quickly shattered every ounce of hope that she had managed to builed up. Disappointment flooded her every fiber. She wished again, hopelessly, that Alex could come back so she could glue all of Alex back together and pick out all in the world that would ever bring harm to the other girl. She didn't want to think about the disappointment she felt and tried in vain to cling onto sleep again. If Alex wasn't there, she didn't want to face the world just yet. It would be so nice to just fall asleep and not wake up until the raven-haired girl was there by her side again. Slowly she felt the sludge that was sleep cling to her again and she let herself be wrapped up by the welcomed warmth.
She had just dozed off for a few seconds when Cal abruptly tore her from sleep again with his voice as he opened the door and stepped into her room.
"Hey Pipette, are you okay?" Cal said, coming further inside the dark room. Piper closed her eyes hard when she turned around to the wall, hoping that her gesture would be enough of a hint for him to leave her alone. As always with Cal, he didn't seem to mind other peoples body language and just probed for her attention again.
"You're not getting sick are you?" She drove her head into the pillow a bit further and put one of her arms over her face. Not even that was enough for her younger brother to leave.
"'Cause if you are, I have some dried up roots that my buddy says is the bomb against colds, but they might cause you to trip a bit, but that's like the best part of it. I mean, fever already does that to you, so what's the harm, you know?" Cal rambled on, while Piper barley moved or acknowledged that she could hear him. Her brother took the hint and sighed heavily before he walked to the bed and laid a hand on her shoulder.
"I'll leave you alone, but I'm here if you wanna talk." Cal said before he walked out and left Piper to her sulking. She felt a tiny warmth spread through her chest at her brother's gesture, which made her feel even shittier about totally ignoring him. He was such a sweet kid. The only good thing her parents had ever done. She felt the warmth leave her and the numbing cold possessed her body once again. Her parents inevitable arrival home was yet another layer of icing on the shit cake.
The next day, Piper was as silent as before. Cal didn't take much notice as he was camped up in his room, probably getting high while he worked on something weird made out of scrap metal. She was thankful that she was left alone since she really needed the space to further process everything that had become her life.
She had only left her room to go and make a cup of tea. The thought of anything else made her stomach clench, which made her feel nauseous. So tea was the only thing she could think of that would put a patch on her fragmented soul. The warmth of the beverage had always been a comfort to her and since her other comfort wasn't there anymore, it had to do.
Once it was done, she sought refuge in her own room again. Happy to hibernate in it if it meant that no one, but Alex, would disturb her angst slumber. Yes, she was melodramatic, but she couldn't stand the thought of having to deal with other people at that moment.
She sank down on her bed, the warm cup in one hand, and leaned against the wall, letting her head fall back against it. She was still so damn tired. Her ten hours of sleep had done no more than add to her misery. Thankfully, though, she could only remember vague tidbits of her dreams. Even so, they seemed to have eaten up the energy that the sleep would have provided her.
While bringing the mug to her lips, she reached for her phone that had been discarded on the bed. She hoped that the cyberworld would be a good distraction, even if she really didn't care for what Stephanie or Angelica were doing that day. It was just something to rest her mind on and a way of hopefully distracting her so that the hours could pass and she could go to bed again.
Just a second before the blonde pushed the Instagram app open, she realized that she had Alex's number. If she was missing her so terribly, why not try to talk to her? The idea of numbing her mind with social media quickly disappeared when that bright idea shone inside of her head.
Her fingers hesitated over her keyboard, having already tried typing out a dozen different messages, but no matter what she tried to say or how she tried to formulate herself, nothing seemed appropriate. There was no point in asking how the other was since she would surely deflect it immediately with an I'm fine or something along those lines. Not letting Piper inside of her head for even a second.
She put down her phone on the bed and sighed in defeat. Why was it so hard to strike up a conversation? Piper tapped her cup in thought, not wanting to give up that easy, she wanted to talk to the other so badly so she would be damned if she wouldn't do that when she had the opportunity. The tapping on the cup made her think of something. She had yet to touch their forgotten cups that still sat in the kitchen sink and taunted her like a fresh red scar against skin. Maybe that was a place to start? Or was it too casual? It felt wrong to bring it up, like she wasn't taking Alex's situation seriously, but if she couldn't ask how the other was, then what would she talk about?
She picked up her phone and tapped out a message that felt terrible, but it was an invitation. An invitation back to their easy banter, where they had thrived best together before reality came crashing down around them.
You left me to take care of the dishes. A habit of yours? ;)
Piper stared at the message, swallowing hard. She had her thumb over the send button, hesitating once again. It could either go horribly wrong or work out fine. Piper just didn't know if she was willing to risk their fragile bond. The distance between them was already tearing on the blonde's end. She closed her eyes and hit send, wishing to her lucky star that it would be okay.
Five excruciating minutes passed by and for every minute that ticked away, Piper felt herself coming one step closer to full on panic. Maybe she had destroyed their bond by those thirteen simple words that were no more that tiny pixels on a digital screen. Nothing more than electricity and light forming unpersonalized words that were perceived as communication. Once more she felt the tears wandering up her throat when suddenly her phone buzzed against her bed. As if a lightning had struck her, she sat up in her bed and snatched the phone to her chest and opened it as fast as she could. She had one new message. Piper almost sobbed out in relief, it was from Alex.
I don't play housewife well, I thought it would suit you better.
Piper actually laughed. It was so, so, so good to get that kind of reply. It was so Alex and she finally felt warm again.
So, you have thought of me as a housewife? That's interesting. Which of my qualities would even make you think I would qualify as one?
They kept messaging back and forth the whole day. It made Piper relax, even if she was painfully aware of the fact that Alex was still on unsafe ground. It felt like a robbery to just go along with the kind of play pretend that they were doing with the texting. The only thing that made Piper not just stop and ask what she could do to help or ask if anything else had happened was the fact that she hoped that their conversation made Alex think of something else. It was incredibly self absorbed of Piper to hope that she was the raven-haired girl's beacon of light, but she did only because she thought it might help Alex to have someone to cling to. And she felt addicted to the raven-haired girl's words so she couldn't stop herself even if she wanted to. Any contact with Alex was better than no contact at all.
Her parents would come back on a Sunday. So as usual, she and Cal had to clean up the house so that their parents wouldn't notice how decadent they had been living. Since her little brother came back home, three days prior, they had basically lived off of pizza and Chinese take out. Piper didn't have the energy to cook something and she wouldn't even think about letting Cal do something that had to do with food, it would always end up in a catastrophe.
The cleaning was a welcomed distraction to Piper as she had spent the three days thinking about Alex. Even if they had a good time with the messaging, Alex hadn't responded since they had said good night two days ago. It was starting to get Piper really antsy and her parents looming arrival didn't make her feel calmer about anything. It was just added stress to her gigantic pile of it. But as always, when life brings one hardships, one must face it. So when she heard the front door open and her parents voices swam up to her room, she steeled herself with platinum armor and hoped that the dinner she heard was being made would go over smoothly without any hiccups.
As she descended the stairs to join her family for dinner, she took several deep breathes and just hoped that she would survive it.
"Oh, we had such a pleasant time, darling." Carol addressed her daughter as she poured herself a big glass of white wine. At least it was an acceptable hour to drink, the blonde thought.
Piper rolled her eyes, not having asked in the first place how their trip had been. She knew how it had been, there was no need for asking. Her father only hummed in agreement not seeming particularly interested in what his wife was bringing up. Piper knew her mother hadn't said that directly to her, since the blonde didn't ask how they had been during their absence. She was almost sure that Carol only said it to really rub it in Bill's face that she knew what was going on and that she didn't like it one bit. That was her mother's way of fighting back and hurting her father. What her mother didn't see though, was that it hurt Piper more than anyone.
"Your father's colleagues were very entertaining." Carol said, with a slight undertone of venom.
"He practically lived in that hotel bar, talking to costumers, clients and just having a jolly good time."
Seeing her mother trying to start a fight mixed with all that had happened with Alex; she just couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't sit around and watch her two idiot parents stab each other in the back from their high horses anymore.
"Could you two just fucking stop it already?" Piper shouted, as she stood up from the table. Her father stopped with his fork midair, before lowering it and sending her a glare. He was about to speak and probably tell her to watch her language, but her mother beat him to it.
"Piper Elisabeth Chapman..." Her mother began, her father putting down the fork to also start some kind of scolding.
"Watch your lang-" Her father was about to continue his lecture, but Piper felt her temper flare dangerously hot, hotter than it ever had before.
"No, I've had it!" It silenced them both long enough for Piper to take a deep breath, before she continued.
"You" She pointed at her father. "Have been cheating ever since I was fucking nine! And have done it repeatedly since. Do you even care about us at all?" She didn't even give him a sliver of a chance to defend himself as she jumped to her mother to continue the unloading she was doing.
"And you!" This time she glared at her mother. "You pretend to not know and go about making all these hints, drinking yourself to sleep. You've been playing the guilt trip on Dad for I don't know how long. And you know that I know about the cheating. How do you think I feel every time you make these obvious hints? For Christ sake, it's no wonder Danny won't even visit anymore! Who could ever survive in this passive aggressive hell that you have the guts to call home?" Piper bit the inside of her cheek to stop the tears she felt burn hot like lava. Her parents didn't even say a word as Piper collected herself. But she saw how her father clenched his jaw and she knew that he was about to scold her and she wasn't done with them yet.
"Both of you, get off your fucking high horses and get a fucking divorce. I've had it. I can't stand the pretense any more. I'm not going to sit around, pretending that everything is fine when it isn't!" Piper pullet out her chair and walked away from the table, not even caring what the consequences was going to be for her little berserk rant.
"You can have your Christmas photo without me, we've never been a family anyways." Piper said as she grabbed her jacket and swung the front door open, entering the dark evening. She slammed the door shut and started walking at a fast pace as she took up her phone. Hot tears made their way down her face, mixing with the rain when she started to furiously type out a message in her blind rage.
My fucking parents. Do they not know how much they hurt me? All because of their own fucking pride. I just wish that they would get a divorce. And what kind of a wish is that? I just can't believe them. My mom is sitting at the table, casually throwing obvious hints about how dad slept with several women on that trip and he doesn't even flinch or tell her to stop or admit that she is right. The worst part is that she is right. He is a cheating bastard and he doesn't even care about it.
I just... I just want it to stop. I guess I've never had a family.
Piper didn't even see the send button since her tears obscured her vision, but out of habit she knew where to press. It wasn't until her phone buzzed with the delivery assurance that she saw that she had sent it to Alex.
AN: Ugh, I'm sorry, it just feels like I'm repeating myself... But I promise that after this chapter, things will pick up and we won't see as much of Piper's angsty pining.
To the guest who wrote to me about having experience about a situation like Alex's, I just want to say; I hope you are safe and well. I also hope that you have someone to talk to about this. If you don't have, I'm always available here and my tumblr is thelovelyladiesoflitchfield. Please, if anyone of you want to talk to me about anything feel welcome to contact me here or on my tumblr.
Take care, all of you. Be safe. Love always.