Hello everybody! I want to apologize for the late update; life has been a little crazy lately. Hopefully next week things will go back to normal.

As always thanks for all the alerts and the reviews, they mean the world to me.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, zilch, nada… Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

Chapter 10

Paul POV

What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? I kept repeating the same chant over and over, hoping for an answer that I will never get. Now more than ever, I was sure I didn't deserve to live, yet I deserved to die even less. Why take comfort in death when I had desecrated the heart of one of the sweetest creatures in this world? My pack brother, my best friend, my guardian angel.

The pain etched in Quil's face as he was leaving my room is something that will remain chiseled in my memory for the rest of my days. His pain will haunt me when I sleep and the nightmare will never end, continuing to my waking hours. What killed me inside was seeing for the first time since I've known him, hate in his eyes. His beautiful eyes were veiled by a curtain of hate mixed with disbelief. Knowing that I was the cause for such an appalling emotion filled me with shame. I not only took the virginity of his body, I took away the purity of his soul.

I had to be the most despicable, disgusting, loathsome and repugnant being ever to be born. In my mind I had everything planned out and convinced myself that this was the best thing for him. Everything looked perfect, my twisted brain making me into a hero instead of the villain I truly am. I, Paul Lahote was supposed to save the man I loved from a doomed future and in my arrogance never stopped to think how much I was going to hurt him.

My Quil, take comfort knowing that I will pay in hell for each and every one of your tears. He gave himself to me, no questions asked; I guessed he really loved me. He will never know how desperately in love with him I am. At this point I wouldn't even care what the pack thinks of me, they had to deal with it before, why would now be any different? Yeah right, it was not about them, it was about me and all the shit that spewed from my mouth against anybody who did not meet my standards of masculinity. What I didn't understand until now was that it takes a real man to accept who he is and face the world with his head held high. It takes a coward to hide behind their prejudices and make excuses.

Now it was too late, there was no way to right this wrong. Knowing him, he was replaying in his head each one of my hurtful words. I humiliated him like nobody deserves to be humiliated. I used every derogatory and homophobic slur I knew and made sure that my words were laced with enough venom to kill his spirit.

I had been sitting on the sofa since he left, feeling unworthy to occupy the bed were we made love. His scent was embedded on the sofa and it enveloped me, relentlessly torturing me with each breath I took. I watched as the darkness was replaced by light. The change started on the east, a mixture of yellow, pink and orange on the horizon beneath the dark ocean of night that had begun to evaporate. The multicolored rays of light coming through my window, filling the room with a game of colors and shadows. When the sun peeked over the horizon its warm rays came uninvited into my house but were very much welcomed.

Should I go see him? He will probably kick me out and with all the right in the world. I needed to do something; this new development was something so unexpected! I was skeptical; not even trusting my own heart. How should I approach him? All night I had been creating scenarios in my head and so far I had not been able to find one that would satisfy me. I kept rubbing my eyes, trying to keep the tears at bay. Feeling beyond frustrated I wanted to scream to the top of my lungs, but instead pulled my hair out. What kind of cruel and twisted fate would allow for this to happen again? I didn't want to say the word or even think about it, it was impossible, this couldn't happen twice to one person.

"PAUL!" Jacob's irate voice came through the door and I did everything in my power to ignore him. I was in no mood to put up with his bullshit. "Paul open the fucking door, I know you are in there!"

"Open the door or I'll kick it down. You will face me Paul; it's your decision if you want to keep your door intact." He kept pounding on the door and shouting. I knew that with one kick he would break down the door and I was most definitely not looking forward to fixing that mess.

I reluctantly opened the door only to be face to face with my alpha, he was absolutely furious; his fists were clenched by his sides ready to pounce at any moment. His eyes were dark as the darkest night, almost as dark as my soul. His shoulders so hiked up they almost touched his ears. "What the hell did you do to Quil?"

"That's none of your business." I answered curtly.

"It is my business when your actions affect my pack."

"That's all you care about, your fucking pack."

"You're wrong. I care about my pack brothers, something you seem to have forgotten."

"Anyway the problem is between Quil and me." I said trying to keep an even tone and careless demeanor. If Jacob was demanding to know, Quil didn't tell him anything and I wanted to appear seemingly detached. It would be easier for everybody, and by everybody I meant me, if Jacob thought it was not a big deal.

"Paul if you were man enough to do whatever it is you did to Quil, you will be man enough to tell me what the fuck happened."

"Jacob, get the hell out of my house. You don't tell me what to do, what are you going to do? Give me an alpha command and make me tell you? Wait, that's right you don't do that anymore by order of your submissive. This is the last time I say it nicely, leave my house NOW!" I screamed losing my cool for the first time during the whole conversation. Jacob was visibly shaking, he had promised his imprint not to use his alpha voice unless it was absolutely necessary. The pack mercilessly teased him telling him he was whipped and it became a sensitive point with him after that. He was especially pissed with Jared when he told him he had become Seth's sub which made him freak out since he didn't want to lose standing in the pack.

"NO! You hurt Quil and don't even care, you son of a bitch" Before I could even draw a breath Jacob was on top of me, his fist colliding with my nose. I could feel the hot searing pain as my nose broke, blood trickling down my face and my throat. As the nosebleed clogged my nose completely, I began breathing through my mouth. Faster than I could think, he swung his other fist toward my stomach, as it made contact I felt the air leave my body. I bent over feeling like I couldn't get air in my lungs, it was probably just a few seconds but it felt like an eternity. He was probably surprised and suspicious I was not fighting back, but I really didn't feel like putting any resistance. I deserved a beating; what I really deserved was to leave this earth in shame.

"What's the matter with you? You are not even trying to protect yourself! Are you going to let me beat you up just so you won't have to tell me?" Jacob pushed me at the same time he took a step back, trying to create some distance between us in an attempt to control his anger.

"I just don't want to talk about it." I mumbled as the pain from my shattered nose prevented me from speaking clearly.

"Too bad that's not an option. Quil left and I need to know the reason."

"What do you mean he left?" I literally felt my heart drop into the pit of my stomach and the world shift in an undetermined direction, not only taking the rug out from under me but the floor and everything underneath it. A rush of blood starting in my head and going down my body until it reached my toes made me feel dizzy and like the room was spinning.

"His father called me this morning; he left the reservation and the pack."

I could feel the anger and the fear burning up inside me "NO, NO, NO you're lying, he cannot leave." My legs felt like Jell-O, Jacob caught me as I crumbled down to the floor.

"Paul what the hell, calm down!" Pleaded Jacob suddenly much calmer, I could sense the worry in his voice but was too overwhelmed with wave after wave of turbulent emotions. Fear, sadness, regret, anger, shame, so many… each one of them slapping me in the face and shaking me to my core.

"I will not calm down! Where did he go? I need to find him; you don't understand, I need to be by his side, I need to protect him." With every word that came out of my mouth I could tell that Jacob was more confused. Maybe I was saying too much but it was something beyond my control.

"Why would you need to protect him, Paul? For goodness sake, he is a fucking wolf! What can you do that he cannot do himself?" Jacob looked at me intently like he was studying my reaction to his words or maybe it was something else, what the heck did I know?

"Don't answer my question with another fucking question! Where the hell is he?

"I don't fucking know. What is it to you anyway? You treat him like shit, take advantage of how good he is and manipulate him to your convenience." I had to remember to thank my alpha for reaffirming my position as official son of a bitch of the La Push pack.

"You're fucking lying, my Quil cannot leave me!" I screamed to Jacob's face while grabbing his shirt and shaking him violently. He grabbed my forearms and steadied my movements. He had to be lying, yes that was it; he was lying to make me tell him what happened. It was all a trick, a cruel trick to make me confess.

"Your Quil?" Asked Jacob arching an eyebrow.

"I mean… I mean my friend Quil." Letting go of his shirt I walked away from him trying to regain my composure. Shakily I sat on the sofa looking out my window into the world. Quil leaving made my world quiet, still, frail and dead. For a brief moment the sun came out from behind the clouds hitting my eyes and temporarily blinding me. I closed my eyes forcefully, action that made the tears I had been holding back escape my eyes, rolling down my cheeks. I caught them before Jake could notice them.

"Ahh, your friend." He said sitting next to me.

"Yes my friend, where did he go?" He needed to tell me, unfortunately for me it was almost certain that he wouldn't.

"I don't know, his father wouldn't tell me. He said he couldn't risk you learning where he is."

"His father said what?" To me the idea that he shared something so private with his family was inconceivable.

"Well I would rather not tell you the terms he used to refer to you Paul." I'm fucking screwed, he told his parents. Of all people he had to go and blabber out to one of the elders of our tribe. I better start packing, just to be ready for when they kick me off the reservation.

"Oh fuck I need to find him; I need to talk to him" I realized I didn't care about getting kicked off the reservation, after all that was the least of my concerns. What really mattered was explaining to Quil why I did what I did and pray that he would find it in his heart to forgive me.

"I can't help you with that, I really don't know where he is. The worse thing is that since he separated himself from the pack in such a drastic way, he undid our bond, even when phased we won't hear him."

"Fuck, when it rains it pours doesn't it?" I brought my hands to my head and yanked roughly at my hair. It was all so frustrating. All was lost; unless he decided to come back voluntarily I would never be able to talk to him. At least I had enough common sense as to not even try to call him; he would never accept a call from me.

"I don't know what to tell you Paul, if I knew what happened at least it would give me an idea how to approach this whole mess. I could talk to his parents and with Old Quil, you know that technically I'm the chief of the reservation, I like to think I have some pull here." Jacob words were sincere, my earlier suspicion about some foul play on his part long gone.

"I can't tell you Jacob, it's too private. Let's just say that what I did, no amount of pull or alphatude would compensate in their eyes. I was a monster to Quil, my intentions were good but as usual my approach was fucked up."

"Tough shit Paul. Just know that you are not off the hook, I'm still pissed at you for hurting Quil and chasing him away from the only place he has known." Thank you so much Jacob, you knew exactly what to say to make me feel even worse. He was unabatedly rubbing salt on the wound.

"I know Jake, believe me anything you feel towards me, multiply it by one hundred and you will have a slight idea of how I feel."

"I'll keep my eye on you Paul, don't do anything stupid please. At least do this for Quil, he has been trying to keep you alive for weeks; you owe him to stick around to ask for forgiveness if he ever comes back."

"Don't you think that's a long shot?"

"I do, but there is always the possibility he may come back. If he does, you have to be here." Jacob did have a good point, but I was too much of a chicken shit to accept it.

"Believe me Jake; it will be better for him if I'm long gone before he comes back."

"Paul if you believe that, then you don't know Quil." I had to accept Jacob was right; Quil was too good of a person to wish anything bad on anybody. But I felt there was more to what he was saying.

"What do you mean? Don't play mind games I have a headache."

"Hum, nothing"

"Jake, stop the bullshit, I already know he is in love with me. He told me yesterday."

"Fuck." Uttered my alpha under his breath. "I guess that answers my question then. He told you he loved you and as usual you went postal."

"Is more complicated than that but it doesn't matter now, does it? He is gone." I allowed my mind to wander while playing with some loose threads on my pants. Where was he? Will he ever come back?

"All is not lost Paul. The only way all hope will be gone is if you jump from the fucking cliff." Shit could Jake see my thoughts even if we were not in wolf form? He had to have some extra sensory crap if he knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Then all is lost. In one week I will be one less thing for you to worry about."

"Don't say that Paul, don't make me assign a protection detail."

"I don't need babysitters. What I need is to talk to your dad, is he home?"

"Yes, but what do you need to talk to him about?"

"Fuck Jake stop being so nosy, I'll say it for the last time, it's not your damn business!"

"Suit yourself Paul, I tried. By the way when you go to my house don't go near Seth."

"Fuck you Jake, you still hung up on that bull shit? That kid doesn't even breathe without your consent, stop being an idiot."

"Paul first of all Seth has freedom, he is not a prisoner. Second I don't expect you to understand; the protection instinct towards an imprint is very strong and affects every aspect of our lives."

"I guess I'll understand soon enough." I grumbled.

"What do you mean Paul?"

"Nothing, why are you still here? Don't you have to work today?"

"Yes, but my boss understands I have many responsibilities."

"Just go, I need to get dressed to go see your dad."

"Ok I'll call him to let him know you are on your way."

"Thanks Jake, for everything." I was not being sarcastic I was really grateful for the fact that he took the time to come see me, even if it started with him breaking my nose.

If yesterday I thought I had nothing to live for today I was certain. Without Quil by my side it would be impossible to go on living. I would never blame him for leaving my side. I was toxic; my mere presence had the capacity to destroy anything good that it touched. I was a wretched vile being not worthy of anybody's concern or pity. Love was an emotion that was wasted on me; I was incapable of sincerely loving anybody. Who am I kidding? I love Quil, and not just now. I loved him for a long time but that doesn't matter anymore.

Even my thoughts sounded pathetic. The only good thing about this whole fucked up situation was that now my plan was fail proof. If I didn't achieve what I was planning one way, nature would for sure take care of it. The distance from my Quil killing me slowly until there was nothing left of Paul but a bad memory.

I went to my room to get a shirt so I could be on my way. Seeing the bed brought back many memories of what could only be described as the best night of my life; the night when I became one with the love of my life, with my soul mate.

I decided to walk to the Black's residence in an attempt to clear my mind and build up courage to face my reality. After knocking, Billy's voice reached my ears telling me the door was open and to come in. He was in the kitchen having coffee and reading the newspaper.

"Hello son, take a seat, Jake told me you needed to talk to me, what's up?" I sat across from him on the breakfast table. He looked so serene and peaceful, like the years provided him with enough experience so nothing could take away his peace.

"Well Billy, I have a question that only an elder can answer."

"I guess I'm qualified, but if I don't know the answer I can consult with the other elders."

"You can't tell Old Quil what I'm going to tell you."

"Why not?"

"You will understand soon enough."

"Ok son, shoot."

"Can a shapeshifter imprint twice?" By his expression I knew that was the last question Billy expected to hear.

"That's an interesting question. I've never heard of such thing happening, but that doesn't mean it has not happened. Paul, why the question?"

"As you know I imprinted some time ago but she died. Now I think it happened again, but I think it's impossible."

"I'm familiar with your story. From what I heard the girl never accepted the imprint and only humored you whenever you went to see her."

"Yes, I told her everything about my heritage and even phased in front of her. She was fine with everything except with the imprint. When I told her about it she got mad and said there was no way we were soul mates, that she had absolutely no feelings towards me. Then she warned me to stay away from her and her family"

"I see, what happened then?"

"I stayed away for a few days, when I could stand being away any longer I went to see her only to find out she had died in an accident." My voice cracked as the memory of that fatidic day filled my brain.

"What happened next?"

"Nothing, I mourned her for a little while and decided to take my life so I could join her, but then my grandfather needed me and I came back here."

"You decided to take your life because you felt you couldn't live without her or from a sense of duty, like it was expected of you to take such drastic action?" Billy's question confused me even more, what was my motivation? I had to accept I never felt completely lost and like I couldn't live without her. I made a conscious decision to follow her because she was my imprint.

"I'm not sure Billy"

"This is important; it seems to me like the imprint bond was not strong between you two. She never accepted the imprint, so it was a one sided deal." I guessed he could see the confusion in my face. "Let me see if I can explain myself better, it's like the links in a chain, when each link is closed the chain is strong. If one link is incomplete or if it's open, the chain will be very weak and could break very easy".

"I have to go to our library and consult some of the old manuscripts. I never heard of a wolf imprinting twice but that doesn't mean it cannot happen."

"What will happen if you don't find the answer to my question?"

"I will tell you what I do know; I can tell you right now if you want."

"Please Billy I'm desperate."

"You have lived the imprinting through your pack brothers. You know about the intense need to protect and about the pull."

I had to interrupt Billy. "What pull?"

"The pull of the imprint. A shapeshifter can feel it a long time before imprinting. Makes you very attracted to your future imprint and you tend to gravitate toward that person. After imprinting it manifests as a pain in your chest when you are separated from your soul mate."

"What's the purpose of this pull, to make the wolf suffer?"

"It's a protection mechanism; if the couple is separated the pull will guide you towards your imprint."

"So you're telling me that I have an invisible connection to my imprint, I can find him?" My tone hopeful and excited.

"Him? Who is your imprint Paul?"

I hesitated for a few minutes before surrendering my answer "I imprinted on Quil."

Quil POV

I drove away from the only home I had ever known with a heavy heart. The beautiful greenery that surrounded Forks gradually disappearing even before I got on the highway. I had a long drive ahead of me; with nothing to entertain my mind and keep all the Paul related thoughts at bay. My mind proved to be my worst enemy and kept playing like a movie all of yesterday's events.

Making love with Paul had to be the most glorious experience of my whole life. I felt complete, like I was claiming my place in the universe as Paul's mate. My whole body tingled from just the memory of the moments of passion we shared. He made me feel so special, like he really cared about me. He took care of all my needs, making sure not to hurt me. He was so patient, his caresses so intense, so sincere. His actions gave me the courage to confess what I had been hiding for over a year. When I said I love you, it had been a sacred promise. He didn't say anything, no I love you too escaped his lips even by accident. That should have been my first clue; I was such an idiot…

All lies

Every single second had been a fucking lie.

He used me.

I was nothing to him.

Not even for one second I suspected that Paul would be so cruel. His words were colder than ice and cut me deeper than any blade possibly could. The cuts made by his words, carved their way into my very soul. This was worse than any nightmare; it was the harsh reality of having been played like the biggest mother fucking idiot of the universe.

Being alone with my thoughts was not exactly the best idea. My thoughts were dark and destructive; I understood the intense need Paul felt to end his life. When a person feels they have nothing to live for is inevitable to think about ending it all. The only thought that stopped me from accelerating to one hundred miles per hour and crashing against the first solid surface I saw was my family. They loved me unconditionally and I could not be the cause for their grief.

I was grateful to see the sign that read Pendleton next exit. At last I was reaching my destination, I was ashamed of running away, but I needed to get away from him. Paul killed me, he didn't kill my body, he killed my spirit. He made me into a coward incapable of facing him, but I was weak and still loved him. I spent part of my journey praying that by some miracle I would imprint, I doubted it, but it would be the only thing that would kick Paul out of my heart forever.

The exit took me directly to a dense area right in the center of downtown. It was your usual small town center street with brick blocks storefronts with large windows. The names on the wood signs and the canvas awnings showed a diverse culture of businesses. They ranged from the typical family owned diner, to the modern hair studio with elaborate neon lighting. I was definitely not in Kansas anymore, even with the air conditioner at full blast I was still sweating like a pig. Something I was not looking forward to was a brutally hot summer.

One thing was for sure I was going to stick out like a sore thumb. Looking all around me I didn't see one person that even slightly resembled me. My dark skin and Native American features will surely put me in display like some strange animal at the zoo. I would have to avoid coming to town as much as possible.

Leaving Main Street behind a more familiar landscape welcomed me. Luscious greenery with tall redwoods bordered the small road that was leading me to Mr. Hill's farm. It was a beautiful landscape that provided more than enough shelter for me to be able to phase. I was not ready to abandon my wolf; it was the only thing keeping me in contact with my heritage. I could have sworn I felt him whine when the thought of forsaking him crossed my mind.

The Hill's property was your typical farmhouse with a picnic table in the front yard, a porch swing and manicured flower beds. It consisted of the main house, a barn and a three car garage, located in twenty acres of flat farmland. All around I could see low plants with white flowers that looked like there had been a snowstorm in the middle of summer.

After leaving my car near the garage I walked to the house where a man in his late sixties stood with the aid of a cane. My grandfather told me that he used to take care of the farm all by himself with occasional help from his wife. After a heart attack that led to a triple bypass, he needed to hire help to be able to keep the farm running efficiently.

Mr. Hill was almost as tall as me but that was where the similarities ended. Considering all the time he spent under the sun he had fair skin that looked leathery, probably from all the years of sun exposure. His hair was totally gray and his blue eyes stood out under heavy salt and pepper eyebrows.

"Welcome, you must be Quil!" Mr. Hill extended his hand to shake mine excitedly.

"Nice to meet you Mr. Hill."

"Oh my goodness don't be so formal, you make me feel old. Call me Robert." That was going to be hard; I had been raised to respect my elders. In the reservation I grew up hearing others call my grandfather Old Quil and Jacob's dad Billy so it didn't faze me at all. But I didn't grow around Mr. Hill. This was going to take some getting used to.

"Your grandfather told me you were big, but I think he underplayed you. You are huge!" We both laughed at his comment, I liked him more with every passing minute.

A woman who also looked like she was in her late sixties walked outside to greet me. She had a round face and a peaceful expression. Just like her husband, her head was crowned in gray. When she smiled small lines caressed her eyes, but in no way took away from her simple beauty.

"This is my Mary; sweetheart, meet Quil Ateara."

"Nice to meet you, you must be tired, it was a long drive. Are you hungry? Your grandfather warned us that you eat a lot."

"Actually I am hungry; my grandfather tends to exaggerate a little. I have a healthy appetite but eat less than what he probably told you." It was a little white lie but I would need to control my appetite since I didn't want the Hill's to think there was something wrong with me.

A beautiful girl in her late teens walked towards us coming from the barn. Her heavy work clothes and funny looking hat didn't take away from her natural beauty. There was something unreal about her, her enchanting face was framed by ebony colored curls. She had strikingly blue eyes, plump pink lips curved into a sincere smile and a natural rose blush brushed across her pale and slightly freckled face. At first glance there was nothing striking about her, but as she came closer I admired her slender figure that seemed to glide as she walked.

"Ah, come sweetie, let me introduce you" called out Mrs. Hill.

I was taken aback by the simple beauty and friendly appearance of this girl. Instead of waiting to be introduced I took a step towards her and introduced myself. "Hi I'm Quil."

"Nice to meet you Quil, I'm Claire."