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Chapter 10 Conversations with Boys
After a week of chemotherapy, Holly J felt worse than she ever imagined was possible. She was lying in bed Friday evening, her eyes closed as she listened to Declan read from The Decameron. It was a requirement for her English class. Reaching a good stopping point, he placed an index card inside to mark the book and set it on the night stand. He slid down from the headboard, laying his head on his pillow so he was level with his wife. Her eyes snapped open to observe him. "I know that's not the end," Holly J chided him weakly.
"It can wait," Declan answered, his right hand snaking across and finding her back. Her rubbed gently as he pulled her closer. "I want you to talk to me. We haven't really talked about all of this. We got married - we spend a lot of time together. But we haven't really talked."
"I don't want to talk about it," Holly J answered.
"Tell me anyway - what is going on in that beautiful, brilliant mind of yours?"
"Declan, please."
"Please what?"
"I can't talk about this."
"Talk to me - let me in."
"I can't do this!" She said, rolling away from him and getting out of bed. She stood over the bed, her eyes burning as her voice grew in volume and pitch. "What do you want to hear? That I'm terrified? That I've never been more scared in my life? I don't even know if I'm going to live long enough to go to college at all - let alone to Yale." Declan sat up and kept his gaze fixed on her as she continued. "Do you want to hear about how much it hurts to move? Or how I can't eat anything without imagining what it will feel like coming back up? Or how I get sick in front of my best friend every day - it's humiliating. And it's only the beginning. In a few months, I'm going to be unrecognizable - and ugly - and gross. And I'm terrified that I'm already losing myself. That I'm going to lose you."
She was sobbing, her face buried in her hands, as Declan stood and walked over to her. He pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her. "Holly J Sinclair Coyne. I need you to listen to me very carefully," he said, his tone gentle but firm. He pushed a few escaped strands of red locks from her forehead and kissed her softly. "Very carefully," he repeated. "I don't care what happens to your hair - or if you lose weight or gain weight - or whatever hellish things these treatments can do. You will always be beautiful to me. I love you because of who you are. I love the way you turn everything into a challenge. I love the way you push yourself and those you love. I love how passionate and caring you are about the world."
He tipped her chin up so she had little choice but to meet his eyes. With his thumbs, he carefully wiped away the remaining tears. "I love the way you make me want to be a better person. You are a strong woman. You are going to make it through this - and it's just going to be another example of how amazing you are. And no matter what happens between today and the day you're given a clean bill of health, I'm not going anywhere - ever. I am your husband - your friend. You are my better half and I will always be here for you - no disease can change that."
Holly J allowed him to hug her and she held on closely, crying like she hadn't truly allowed herself since the wedding. Eventually, once the sobs dissipated, she allowed him to carry her back to bed. Snuggled under the covers, she laid her head against his chest and grasped his hand. "Why do you always know the right thing to say?"
"I never did until I met you," he said, dropping a kiss on her forehead. She continued to hold his hand, her fingers tracing gently around the platinum wedding band. Despite the time constrains of their wedding, he had somehow managed to find someone to make custom bands. His was engraved with an intricate series of Celtic knots that stood for love, friendship, and eternity; the mirror imagine of her ring. Her wedding band was done in a delicate lattice work that was an exact match to his engraving - if they wore the same ring size, the would have been able to be fit together into once piece. She loved the wedding bands; what they stood for, the time and consideration he had spent in having them made; and the fact that it was hers - forever.
A few days later, Spinner arrived at the Coyne home earlier than usual. It was his day off and his plans with his guys friends had fizzled out. He arrived expecting to find Jane but instead found Holly J alone in the large house. It didn't happen often, but occasionally she felt the need to kick everyone out so she didn't need to murder them. She was in the library, snuggled on a sofa with book while a fire crackled in the stone hearth. She sat up when she saw him and smiled. "Hey, Spin."
"Hey, HJ. How goes it?"
"I'm okay," she answered; it was the closest she could give to an honest answer.
"You don't have to lie to me," Spinner offered, sitting across from her on the sofa. "I know what those treatments do to you. The pain was pretty unbearable for me."
"I'm trying not to think about it," Holly J answered with a half-smile.
"Just don't make the mistakes I did."
"I will stay away from the weed," Holly J said, a smirk appearing on her face for the first time in quite a while.
"No, smart ass," Spinner argued. "Don't push people away. You have a lot going for you here. Let them know what you need. That was my biggest problem. I tried to be okay for everyone- when I really just needed to be honest."
"Thanks for the advice," Holly J said, moving to lean against him. Spinner placed and arm around her shoulder. "And thanks for being so understanding about Jane being here all the time. I don't know where I'd be without her."
"It's all good," he said. "You're a good friend. We're both happy we can help. But the next time you try to get her in your bed, we're going to have a problem," he teased. He left soon after when Jane called and suggested they meet for dinner; they didn't often have alone time. Holly J was content to go back to her reading, but Fiona arrived just as he was leaving.
Fiona still had her apartment and that was usually where she stayed; it was closer to the school and she was more comfortable. She tried to stop in to the lake house at least once a day; it was where her brother and best friend were to be found, after all. It was still difficult for her to see Holly J not at her best. It was beyond comprehension and comfort level for the brunette. Holly J was the strong one; without that certainty, Fiona felt lost.
She arrived in the library and hugged Holly J. "Hi."
"Hey, Fi. How was your day?"
"Good," she said, shrugging. "Same as always. Declan said he has a few things to do before coming home, so he'll be late."
"I know - he called." Holly J received approximately 10 calls from Declan during the school day - between each class, during lunch, study hall - and any other time he could make it happen. With the current circumstances, Simpson had made an exception to the cell phone policy and allowed him to carry one; as long as he didn't have it turned on during class. Declan figured whatever the principal didn't know wouldn't hurt him.
Fiona disappeared for a few moments and returned with carbonated water and a snack of apples and cheese. Holly J attempted to nibble a bit; if she put on a show of enough effort, people left her alone about her meager appetite. Fiona flipped open one of the covered bookshelves to reveal a television and flipped it on, changing channels until the two girls found a movie they could agree on; Hairspray was being shown on a cable channel.
When Declan arrived home with dinner, Fiona lying on one end of the sofa sleepily watching the television. Holly J was fast asleep at the other end. Once she woke, the three of them shared the Italian food he had picked up on his way home. Fiona left soon after, citing homework and a phone call with Adam. She hugged Holly J and kissed her cheek and went to wait in the car.
"Do you want to stay down here – or do you want me to help you upstairs before I drive Fi home?" Declan asked, his hands grasping his wife's.
"I think I'll get a bath," Holly J answered. "I can make it." Declan didn't argue, but he followed her up the stairs at her measured, slow pace. Once inside the master bedroom, she went to the closet to find a pair of pajamas and other necessities. Declan flipped on the light in the master bathroom and began to fill the deep whirlpool with warm, fragrant water.
When Holly J appeared in the doorway, she rolled her eyes. She set her clothing on the counter next to her sink and placed her book within easy reach of the tub. "I told you I could do it."
"I enjoy helping," Declan answered, sweeping her into his arms and kissing her deeply.
"I definitely can't do that," Holly J said breathlessly, after pulling away.
"Just a kiss," Declan replied, placing a chaste kiss on her lips. "I shouldn't be long. Call my cell if you need anything." She smiled and nodded, moving slowly to undress and climb into the tub. He waited until she was in the water, as she knew he would. Once he was gone, she lounged comfortably in the frothy bath and attempted to wrap her mind around her newest novel for English class.
Sorry it's an abrupt ending – there wasn't really a good place to stop for this chapter. But going on to the next part made it much too long. I hope you liked this installment – please review if you did. I love the alerts and favorites – but please review – I like to know what you think. I've already had several readers help with middle ideas. (I have the ending written, it's just some of the middle that is coming along more slowly). So, please review – your thoughts are welcome!