Ready for our heroes to stop fighting and come together?

...

Well, too bad.

Chapter 10: The Legend of Dark Arnold

Anxious murmurs filled the room at the mention of 'Dark Arnold,' which brought back some uncomfortable memories for some but also appeared to confuse a few others.

"Dark Arnold?" Lorenzo asked, "What does that mean?"

"That's a young legend," Gerald said, looking at Arnold with some worry in his eyes, "But man, was it a major development in the ongoing Arnold mythos…"

Gerald paused and waited for someone to lead him in, but no one said a word.

"Hey, Sid?" Gerald asked, "Lead me in man- oh right. He's on the dark side now… man. Guess I gotta do this myself… ahem… the legend of Dark Arnold will be whispered from kid generation to kid generation, and Gerald i.e. I am the keeper of all legends. Take it away, me."

"This ought to be good…" Park whispered to Arnold who just buried his face in his hands out of frustration and embarrassment.

"The legend of Dark Arnold serves as a cautionary tale to all those fool enough to believe that even the purest most placid of beating hearts don't contain the potential for darkness, if given the proper incentive… or pushed just one step too far by the wrong person."

Helga's eyes darted back and forth. All eyes were fixed on the storyteller but her self-consciousness drove her to burst out yelling nonetheless.

"What are you all looking at me for?"

Gerald continued, "April first, of the fifth grade, students and teachers alike joined in the traditional festivities of tormenting one another with assorted pranks. Joy buzzers buzzed, whoopee cushions thundered, shoe laces tied together sent kids tripping, everything from the good natured to the outright cruel… but one prankster in particular-"

"Was crowned the King of Fools!" Eugene interrupted, "Yes, that was a momentously unforgettable-"
"No." Gerald said flatly, then continued, "One prankster in particular, driven by confused and demented feelings unfathomable to most kids, continually and unrepentantly tortured one naive and unsuspecting innocent. This ongoing torment quickly escalated from aggression into an April Fool's prank arms race when this devious prankster pushed the normally mild-mannered kid one step too far. Forced to retaliate at last, this put upon kid used his tormenter's own weakness to their advantage and with blinding flash robbed them of their sight! That should have been the end… but the prank war was just beginning…. for this callous and diabolical prankster regained their sight, and used their victim's guilt to-"

"You can stop being so vague, Gerald…" Arnold said, "We all know you're talking about Helga and me…"

"No we don't." Helga crossed her arms and shook her head, "That could be literally any two people with weird unresolved emotions he's talking about."

"Who's telling the story here?" Gerald asked, "Anyway… Helga went on faking her blindness, filling the heavy-hearted Arnold with unbearable guilt. Guilt founded by a lie but so powerful nonetheless he took it upon himself to care to her every false need as she appeared to struggle on helplessly in this unforgiving world."

"He's making this sound terribly more exciting than I remember." Peapod noted.

Rhonda poked her head into the circle of kids and asked, "So… do you guys still need any costuming done, or…?"

Gerald shouted over the others, "UNTIL at last Helga inadvisably revealed the details of her scheme with a certain savvy, astute, heroic, incredibly handsome master of lore in earshot." He gestured to himself with his thumbs, "It was then that the legendary keeper of legends informed the hapless Arnold of the terrible conspiracy against him, and unwittingly awoke the darkness deep within his very soul. A darkness so deep and forbidding that it brought about the unthinkable…"

Gerald took a long and dramatic pause. All eyes stayed on him as he remained quiet.

"Go on, ask what was unthinkable…" Gerald muttered.

No one said a word. Arnold rolled his eyes and asked for them.

"What happened that was so unthinkable…?" he groaned.

"I'll tell you!" Gerald shouted, "Arnold, an altruistic paragon of modesty, a force for all that is good and decent on this green earth was driven by Helga's abuse to behave SLIGHTLY LESS THAN GENTLEMANLY! And then he unceremoniously cast Helga into a swimming pool, thus serving justice, but at the cost of his very soul…"

Helga frowned, "Wait a darn minute, he tosses me into a pool and you're still framing me as the bad guy in this story!"

Arnold smirked at Helga, "Well you did have it coming…"

Helga grabbed Arnold by his shoulders and turned him to face the others.

"Look at him! He's snapped! He's gone dark!" she shouted.

"Well, you're the one who caused it." Gerald said.

"Regardless, he's not fit for command anymore," Helga insisted, "Eugene. Someone's gotta take charge around here and it might as well be me. Fat lotta good you chuckleheads have done us so far."

"So far all you've done is make everyone mad around here." Gerald said.

"Hey!" Helga shouted and pointed a thumb at herself, "I'm the only one around here who's been taking any kind of initiative since we bumbled into this little geek bait vigilante drama club! Who got Lila back? Me! Who brought in Curly? Me!"

"Yeah, except it looks like that was what Curly wanted all along." Gerald clarified.

"No, no, don't you two start now…" Phoebe urged. "We were almost at a resolution…"

Ignoring her, Helga got in Gerald's face and poked a finger in his chest as she growled.

"And what about you, Geraldo? All you've done since you showed up is act petty and self-centered! Seriously, it's like you're me or something!" Helga turned back to the others and raised her fist in the air, "Listen up, I'm taking over this outfit and I say we take the fight to the enemy now! Hit 'em hard and fast without warning! Show them we're not afraid to fight!"

"That's a bad idea…" Phoebe said.

"Phoebe, I'm taking over," Helga reiterated, "I lead, you follow. That's how we do things, got it?"

Phoebe stamped her foot, "I could lead this group!"

"You?" Helga scoffed, "I'm the only one of us who could actually kick that big jerk's butt if push came to shove! What about the rest of you? You're all a bunch of geeks and-"

"Helga, just stop!" Phoebe grabbed Helga's sleeve and tried to restrain her, "I know why you're doing this… but you don't have to keep acting so tought just to prove that you're not afraid of Ludwig!"

Phoebe stopped herself as Helga gave her a death stare. The small girl let go of her more imposing friend who stared down at her. To Helga's sudden surprise and discomfort, the other kids were looking at her too. Very few people beyond Phoebe, Arnold, or even Gerald had seen her more vulnerable side, which even now that she wasn't actively bullying kids anymore she still hid behind a tough act. None of the kids present mocked her, or even looked like they wanted to, but the uncomfortable exposure she suddenly felt put her on the defensive.

"Scared?" Helga growled in Phoebe's face, "That overgrown slab of pot roast doesn't scare me!"

"Helga… I remember what he did to you." Phoebe said as she fixed Helga with a sympathetic look, "You don't have to resort to barbarism just because he scares you… he scares all of us. That's why we need to stop fighting and stand together."

Helga pushed Phoebe away and scowled as she shook her head furiously.

"I'm not afraid of anyone!" she insisted, "Yeah, Ludwig may have gotten the drop on me last time, and that black eye stuck around for weeks, but now I know he has no problem hitting girls so I'm gonna get him first! I'll show him who the worse bully is... I'm bad, see? I'm bad to the bone!"

"Aw, c'mon Helga." Eugene says, "Everyone knows that you're a nice person nowadays. Why fight it?"

"They know nothing!" Helga screeched in his face, now feeling uneasy, "I'm still Helga G. Pataki! Iron fisted sixth grade dictator!"

"Please." Rhonda rolled her eyes, "You haven't been a bully since the fourth grade, Helga. You're just a nuisance nowadays."

Helga raised a fist in Rhonda's face.

"What? Is Old Betsy going to teach me a lesson?" Rhonda said nonchalantly.

"Old Betsy's about to go off on all of you!" Helga shouted, "For all your sakes I'd better just head on up to Ludwig and take it all out on him first!"

Arnold scowled at Helga and said, "We need to think of smarter than that… so we don't have to just duke it out with them using our bare fists."

"Don't wanna use our bare fists? Fine. How about we use some of our superior tech instead, for a change?" Helga suggested, "Hey! Computer nerds!"

Lorenzo and the other kids sitting at their computer monitors looked at Helga.

"HEAT UP THE DEATH RAY!" Helga commanded Lorenzo.

Everyone stared at her and blinked in their confusion.

"We don't have a death ray…" Lorenzo clarified.

"Why does that not surprise me…" Helga groaned, "What exactly do you nerds do at these computers then? Have we got some kind of satellite inferred tracking thingy to keep at eye on and neutralize any potential threats?"

"Well…" Lorenzo said, "We do have a satellite program but… it only shows a still map of Hillwood. We can't track people with it…"

Helga stomped over to the other computer monitors and saw for the first time what they had been doing all this time with their monitors.

"Well that's useful! And you geeks just sit here playing 'Runaway Bus Online'?" she bellowed.

Helga at last felt her blood boil over and she didn't even have any room left for rational thought. Her fears combined with her frustrations and disillusionment with this entire scheme, causing her to at last throw up her hands in defeat.

"I can't work with this worthless crew of brain dead gibbons!" Helga shouted, "Eugene, this was a fun bout of sixth grade senioritis for a while, but I'm out!"

Phoebe, Lila, Eugene, Park and Peapod looked at one another in shock, as Gerald and Arnold just frowned as Helga stomped off towards the doorway.

"Helga… wait!" Lila protested.

"Let her go." Gerald said, "We don't need her."

Phoebe looked at Arnold, who she expected wouldn't want Helga to leave either, but Arnold just crossed his arms and looked away. Before anyone could say anything more, Helga was gone, and so too was any remaining sense of hope most of the kids felt to stop Trash Can Day.

Upstairs, in the boys' locker room, Ludwig stood atop a bench looking down on his army of sixth graders. Not one of them even came close to his own imposing figure, but they were all ready, willing and able and eager to obey his slightest command. Ludwig smiled down at them and spoke.

"At the 3:30 bell, the cleansing of PS118 by garbage begins." he said, "When I found you, you were nothing, but now you stand ready to achieve greatness. To restore Wolfgang's legacy and take your place in PS118 history. There are some who see this proud tradition as arcane, cruel or just unnecessary, and they will be forgotten with the sands of time! We do this not because we want to, but because it's the only way!"

He raised his fist in the air and all his supporters did the same.

Ludwig bellowed, "Trash Can Day!"

"The only way!" everyone else chanted in response.

"Trash Can Day!"

"The only way!"

Sid and Stinky pumped their fists and chanted along with the rest, while at the same time exchanging concerned looks. All the others were so fired up they failed to notice the minor looks of doubt on the two boys' faces.

"You all have your instructions." Ludwig said, "When the bell rings, begin the herding."

As the crowd nodded obediently, Stinky at last spoke up.

"Uh, Ludwig?" he asked, "Ain't we gonna wait for Patty to come back or somethin'?"

Ludwig shook his head and frowned.

"It seems Big Patty has deserted." he said, "She and Harold have doomed themselves to a fate worse than what we could've given them; obscurity. They'll both be forgotten, whereas we now go forth to glory!"

Suddenly from out of the crowd a small black hooded figure pushed his way towards Ludwig.

"Dicky?" Ludwig smiled, "What did you find, weasel?"

Dicky smiled and in a rascally voice said, "There's somethin' I think you oughta come look into, boss."

ACK! So… I rewatched that scene in April Fools Day for the "Dark Arnold" bit, and… there's a rather naughty little gag that I never noticed before because it's blink and you miss it. During Arnold and Helga's tango, there's a moment when Helga swings Arnold and basically uses him like a human whip. His hand flails out and he sorta… spanks Sheena… who shrieks and turns around and glares at him. We got away with a lot in the 90s…

The Hey Arnold! timeline is quite muddled, but if you think about it the kids would have had to have been in fifth grade at certain points in the series, which is why I mention April Fools taking place in their fifth grade year. Arnold's Thanksgiving had to have taken place after Arnold's Christmas considering Arnold's "Happy Thanksgiving, Helga" serving as a response to her earlier "Merry Christmas Arnold" line. April Fools takes place after the movie, and The Journal was set in October and... now my head hurts...