By the gods, this chapter was hard to write. Please enjoy the result of my blood, sweat and tears. I literally cut myself on a loose edge on my laptop during the creating of this chapter. ._.

Clumsy? Me? Never.

Proofread by: Morcuen

Word count: 4434

Chapter 10: All are Damned to Go to Hell

L walked behind Light as they slowly descended the stairs. They had taken a detour to their apartment to change their clothes quickly and collect a towel each to dry off some of the water in their hair. They were currently on their way back to the main room.

L had taken the opportunity to study Light's body as he took off his clothes to change. The brunette hadn't made an effort to hide his bandaged arms at all. Probably because he already knew that L was aware of his wounds, and that it would be pointless.

As they walked slowly down the stairs after their bypath, L wondered how Light had managed to become so malnourished in just two short weeks. His shoulders where a little too sharp, and L had clearly been able to see where Light's ribcage ended.

You look like you've starved yourself… L thought, and once again, he felt that odd clenching in his chest. As if someone was gripping his heart with an iron grip. It was a strange and painful sensation, but he couldn't really comprehend what was causing it. Perhaps he was ill?

During their conversation on the roof L had noticed that Light wasn't being completely truthful with him. It was as if the brunette had gotten back some of his old confidence, however L didn't know if it was a good thing or not. Light's reactions and responses had been too perfect; it was so textbook that it nearly seemed unnatural. The only other time L had seen this type of behaviour in Light, was when he'd turned himself in for solitary confinement. Everything had seemed so thoroughly thought through, and it was obvious to L that something wasn't right. He definitely had to figure out what it was, L absently noted to himself.

"Light-kun, will you please sit down?" He asked suddenly.

Light turned around when he heard L's words. He looked at L in confusion at the strange command. They were in a wide staircase after all. He hesitated for a moment and stalled by looking pointedly around the room they were in. As he did, he noticed that something with the way the sun broke through the clouds and shone through the large windows, and down at the stairs, made it look more like they were in a church or a temple rather than a large staircase belonging to a high-tech building designed for detective work. He wondered idly why L had had this very little space-saving staircase built in the middle of their investigation headquarters to begin with; it just seemed so out of place. Despite this, the almost heavenly setting made it seem almost natural to sit down and enjoy the view for a little while. He had to hide a smile as he realised that that moment would be a bitter one for L after he was gone.

Light nodded and sat down right where he'd been standing. He looked at L, expecting him to sit down next to himself. He was surprised when L opted for kneeling down in front of Light instead.

"What are you doing?" Light asked. He was unable to tell L to stop, as he was stunned into silence when L took off his shoes and socks and began drying off his feet with his own towel.

"I thought I should help you out. I can give you a foot massage as well, It's the least I can do to atone for my sins. I'm actually pretty good at those." L said, then he began gently massaging Light's foot soles with his long, thin fingers. He was expertly applying just the right amount of pressure in just the right places, making all the tension leave Light's body in an instant.

What sins is he talking about? He thought in confusion. What L had said didn't make any sense to him at all. He can't have found actual proof that I'm…? No. Impossible. Light shrugged off the thought before it even had the time to form itself properly.

"Suit yourself..." Light said in lack of any better responses.

Not having anything better to do, Light closed his eyes and relaxed. He let his thoughts drift back to the conversation they had just had on the rooftop. It had been an impulsive decision to tell L about his hallucinations, but it felt strangely right to have it out in the open. L hadn't reacted as badly as Light would have imagined either. Which was puzzling to him, but he wasn't exactly going to ask why. He had expected L to suggest medicines and to pull him off the case, or something like that. Of course, it wasn't too late for L to decide to do any of those things, yet, something told Light that it wouldn't happen.

Light sighed in contentment as L's hands worked their magic on his feet, greatly enjoying their moment of peace and silence.

This is it. It fits perfectly. Light thought suddenly and smiled. Dying with L kneeling at my feet is just too perfect, I can't let this opportunity slip away.

Carefully Light moved his hand to the little knob on his wristwatch, the one he used to set the time, and pulled it outwards four times in fast succession. At the fourth pull, a small compartment popped out with an almost imperceptible sound. Within it lay a needle and a piece of paper with Higuchi's name written upon it. Light still hadn't had the time to dispose of the piece of paper. He'd been more or less under constant observation even after the handcuffs had been taken off, and when he hadn't been, he'd been too distraught to think about trivial matters like these.

Light looked down at L's hands, working tirelessly on his feet for a long moment. It felt strange to know that he would be dead in a matter of minutes, if even that, but it also felt right. Light took out the needle, and pricked himself in his finger, and then he turned the paper around so that the side that wasn't already written on was facing up.

"Light-kun…" L began without looking up from Light's feet. "… I know that you are Kira." He said with a strange form of finality. As if he was making some sort of conclusion with those very words, even though they were no more than an accusation.

How…? Light stared at L for a moment before his thoughts caught up with the situation.

What gave me away? What will he do now? How does he know? Is he going to arrest me? Or is my execution already scheduled? Does he really know? Will he take me to court? No.

He can't know. It is impossible. This has to be another technique to attempt to make me slip up. For a few seconds all Light could do was stare at L as his thoughts raced through his head. Then he furrowed his brows and dipped the needle in the blood that was trickling out of his finger and placed it towards the small piece of paper. L's accusation wasn't anything new; it didn't change anything. All he had to do was to write his own name before the detective noticed what he was doing. Just as he was about to begin forming the first kanji in his name, L looked up at him.

"L Lawliet. That's my name. Please write it instead of your own." L said bluntly, making Light stop dead in his tracks.

"What…?" Light breathed out in shock. What sort of trick is this? Is this another test to find proof that I am Kira? Why is he telling me this? The thoughts were racing through Light's mind as he tried to understand what L was trying to achieve.

"Light, it's not a trick." L said, once again speaking in that same blunt manner, somehow knowing exactly what to say.

Liar… "Then what is it supposed to be then?" Light asked sceptically, his hand with the needle in it still poised again the tiny piece of paper in his watch. It would only take him a few seconds to write his name, he could probably even do it without L noticing if he distracted him.

"Me giving up my life in hopes that you won't throw away your own." L said with something akin to a sad smile. Light barely noticed his expression, however. L's words were stirring something within him that he thought he'd already buried.

"Liar!" Light said loudly without thinking, that familiar tensing of his shoulders and the sensation of his skin tightening around his skull, making his thoughts grow fuzzy, was slowly making itself present. "L would never do such a thing! I have spent more than enough time with you to grasp how you think and work. The L I know would never-" Light's voice was steadily rising in volume as he tried to form coherent sentences, until L cut him off.

"Yes. I would. I'd die for you a thousand times over if it meant giving you some peace of mind, a chance to start over. I am not important; I have successors, they will take on my title, you however. There is only one of you. Only one Light Yagami. And you are a genius who fought head to head with the great L, and beat him. Letting you die is a waste." L said.

No. "shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Why didn't you do something when you discovered my self-harm then?! I could have died from those too if I continued!" Light yelled. He was grasping at straws; clinging to the knowledge he'd used as hard evidence of L's indifference towards him. He needed to believe that L didn't care, or else everything would fall apart again.

"Because I didn't know how!" L said loudly. He seemed frustrated. His emotions were so clearly displayed on his face and it scared Light. He'd never seen the other man being so open with anyone, not even Watari.

"No… You're supposed to say that you don't care. I know you don't; you can't" Light said desperately. He was realising that L's recent displays of emotions hadn't been an act, and that meant that the very building stone in his resolve was being ripped out. All the times L had let his voice and expression slip, just the tiniest bit, and allowed his care for Light to shine through had been real. And oh how often had that not happened?

"But I do." L said firmly, delivering the final push to Light's crumbling resolve, sending everything crashing down.

"No… No. It isn't true! It can't be-" Light began babbling, while he clutched his head. It didn't make any sense. It was true; it had to be true; but it couldn't be. It was a contradiction and it was hurting him just thinking about it; his head felt ready to explode with the colliding thoughts it contained. Light stood abruptly from where he'd been sitting and began slowly backing away up the stairs in an attempt to get away from L. L was the source of his pain and confusion, and the only thing he could think of doing to alleviate the warring in his head, was to get away from him.

"Light! Calm down!" L said loudly, moving after Light, afraid that he'd trip and hit his head on one of the hard steps in the staircase.

"No! Get away!" Light yelled in panic. He wasn't thinking straight anymore. His thoughts wouldn't cooperate, and the familiar feeling of panic taking over his body was making it impossible to regain his control. Light was sure he'd faint, unless L decided to restrain him first, because darkness that had become so familiar to him was already closing in on every side of him. Just as Light expected everything to go black, he was instead encased by something warm and familiar, which gently lowered him back into a sitting position on the stairs.

His eyes snapped open in shock as he realised that L was hugging him.

"Losing you would kill me, Light." L said quietly into his shoulder, his voice barely discernible through the fabric of his shirt. Light sat completely still for a long while, allowing his body to calm down from the panic attack.

When he had finally calmed down and his thoughts were clearing, it occurred to him that L wouldn't sentence him to death. L had just offered his own life to save Light's, there was no way he would have him killed at that point.

But even if he didn't have any desire to punish Light anymore that didn't absolve Light of his crimes. He still deserved to be punished, and there were other ways that could be done.

"I killed them…" Light said monotonously. He couldn't imagine L ever overlooking something like that; the man claimed to be justice incarnate, he couldn't just ignore the thousands of lives Light had stolen, even if he did care enough about him to be unable to have Light executed.

"That's a confession." L stated. It wasn't a question.

"Yes. I am Kira." Light said, staring straight ahead of himself instead of looking down at the other man who was now sitting next to him on the stairs. He could feel L's arms tighten slightly around himself before they relaxed again. He knew there was no point of trying to weasel out of the situation anymore; it was already too late. He didn't know if it was the remnants of his resolve to kill himself or the guilt of all the people he had killed that allowed him to stay calm as he turned and looked directly into the darkness of L's eyes.

"I know." L said, sounding almost breathless as he spoke. L had tried to find proof that Light was Kira, and now he finally had the ultimate proof; a confession. A confession from Light himself, without any excuses. No, "perhaps I did it in my sleep." Or "I don't remember it." Just a pure and simple confession, that proved everything L had worked so hard to prove. Just like that.

"What are you going to do?" Light asked resting his forehead on the palm of his hands, effectively hiding his face from the detective. It wasn't that he didn't want L to see his face, because he was certain that his stoic expression could easily rival L's normal expression at that point. It was just that he felt thoroughly emptied out at that point. He remembered how much pain he'd experienced before he'd made up his mind to take his own life, and how he'd been able to suppress those emotions thanks to the promise of relief. Now, he felt nothing. He'd just lost his reason to die and was left completely hollow. He would have expected the pain to return, at the very least, but it hadn't. At least not yet.

"I'm not certain yet." L said, his voice betraying a kind of honesty and uncertainty that Light had never heard from the other man before. It sounded strange to him, yet there was no doubt in his mind that it was real.

Light lifted his head from where it was resting in his palms to get a good look at L. L always seemed to have a plan, to always be five steps ahead of everyone else; to hear the detective saying that he didn't know what he was going to do next wasn't something he'd ever imagined he'd get to hear.

"Will you punish me?" Light asked slowly. He needed to know. Even if L hadn't decided exactly what to do with him yet, he had to know whether L intended to lock him up in any way.

"I think you've already punished yourself more than enough." L said hesitantly, clearly afraid of upsetting Light.

"I killed people. I stole away lives that weren't mine to take. You cannot seriously mean that you have no intention of punishing me?" Light said sceptically. In the distant back of Lights mind appeared a mocking thought. A taunting little sentence that Light would not speak aloud.

Is the great master detective getting soft, these days? Yet, when L began speaking again the thought vanished and did not come up again.

"But you regret it, don't you? That's why all of this happened." L said, gesticulating towards Light as he said that. It was easy for Light to understand what L was referring to; the cut's in Light's arms, the pain he'd felt, his attempt at clawing out his own throat, be it intentional or not, and his inability to continue killing people as he undoubtedly had intended to when he gave up his memories.

Light didn't answer, instead he shrugged and turned his head forwards again, watching as the rays of the sun that was hesitantly peeking through the curtain of clouds shone in through the window. What L had said was true, but it was still strange for Light to know that the detective had managed to figure out everything with so few hints, at least almost everything. He did regret all the people he had killed, but the reason he'd stopped doing his duty as Kira was far more complicated, and probably far less innocent than L seemed to think.

When he regained his memories, he'd wanted nothing more than to go back to being oblivious, pure and innocent. Investigating the case by L's side had been so simple. It was such an honest thing to do, and it felt good. Being Kira had hurt him; he'd been constantly haunted by every life he took, but he'd carried it for the sake of the new world he'd been building. It had built up slowly over time; every name he wrote in the Death Note added another fraction to his burden, but underneath that weight, he'd also grown stronger. He'd learnt to keep fighting on as his conscience became increasingly tortured. He'd learnt to not acknowledge the pain, pretending that it wasn't there at all; he was becoming a God after all. A God of a new and purer world. He would persevere, and then, when the new world was made, he would find a way to assure that Kira's role would continue to be fulfilled even after he wrote his own name in the Death Note. He'd never intended to let Ryuk do it, and he'd known that when the war with L was over Ryuk would soon grow bored. Therefore, he had begun his planning on how to create a legacy that would never die, no matter how many Kira's would have to die for it.

All of that had been plaguing him without him even knowing, his burden had been building up so slowly that he never even noticed. Ryuk had told him that the owner of a Death Note was doomed to suffer, but he never understood how bad it actually was. His determination allowed him to grow stronger and stronger, adapting; enduring.

He'd never understood how bad it was, and then he'd given up his memories. He had forgotten what it felt like to carry something so momentous. He hadn't always agreed with L's methods, and had often argued and criticised him, but they made each other better. Together they'd been able to work harder and faster and they'd become better versions of themselves. It had been wonderful for Light, who could only remember the endless loop he'd been stuck in before all of this began. Working alongside L had been the best thing that had ever happened to him, and then, when they were at the top, when they were so in synch and everything seemed right they had caught Higuchi, and Light had remembered. The thousands of lives he'd taken had crashed down upon him, the knowledge that he was going to add thousands more to that count, including L, had smothered him, he'd forgotten how to carry such a burden and it became impossible to think; impossible to live.

But what had changed since then? Two weeks of self-torturing had passed by and now he was left hollowed out, his resolve and strength taken from him by the infuriating detective who just had to continue to butt his head into Light's business.

"What am I supposed to do now?" Light whispered shakily, his gaze fixed stiffly in front himself.

"Work with me." L said. Light turned his head slowly towards L as he attempted to process what the detective had just said. Before he had the time to respond, L continued talking, making Light stare at him with poorly concealed surprise. "The Kira case isn't closed yet, and beyond that there are millions of cases that we could take on. You could help me, as my partner; an equal."

"How am I supposed to reply to that?" Light muttered, turning his head away from L as he felt his cheeks heat up slightly.

"A yes would be nice. I don't handle rejections well. Also, I really do find that I enjoy your company Light-kun." L said, his voice reverting back to its usual monotonous self again, however, even as it did Light was still able to recognise the vulnerability behind those words.

"I like spending time with you too." Light said honestly, turning back towards L again to look him directly in his eyes as he spoke, showing the other man exactly how much he meant those words. He was not at all surprised by L's lack of a prominent reaction, and therefore didn't think much of it. The detective had already proven how socially stunted he really was, and it would have surprised him more if L actually comprehended what he was saying; how much he really meant those words.

"I look forward to working with you then, Light-kun." L said with a small smile, clearly satisfied with himself.

"Likewise." Light sighed as he leaned back on his arms and supported himself against the steps behind him. In truth, he didn't know how he ever was going to get away from Kira, because no matter what he did, no matter how many times he rejected his actions as Kira, it would never change the fact that he'd done all of it. He was still a murderer and no matter how many cases he helped L solve, he'd never be absolved of his sins, and he doubted he'd ever be able to go back to being as happy as he'd been while they'd been chasing Higuchi.

If things become unbearable then I'll simply end it. Until then I'll go along with whatever L wants, maybe it'll work… Light thought, finally having made up his mind. He would do his best to find a new meaning with his life before the pain returned, because he knew it would. The shock of today would soon fade, and it all would come crashing down on him. Even then he would attempt to endure the pain until it went away, or until it became so bad that he couldn't stand it anymore. Either outcome would be fine with him at that point.

"Ryuuzaki-" Light began after a long silence, but was cut off by L's soft but stern voice.

"Call me L." He said.

"L…" Light said slowly, testing out how it felt to speak L's real name. It was strange; to know that he'd known L's real name all along, his surname at least, but it also felt oddly right. Such a strange name fit the strange detective perfectly in Light's opinion. "What did you mean by atone for your sins?" Light asked. He had suddenly remembered how their conversation had started, but found himself unable to figure out what L had meant.

"Why do you ask?" L asked warily.

"No reason. Curiosity for the most part." Light said with a shrug as he kept his gaze bravely fixated upon L's lean frame. He was curious. He found that he suddenly had an urge to know more about the detective, to dig out every single secret L had hidden through years upon years of hiding his real self from the rest of the world.

"Honestly, I expected you to take my life as soon as I revealed my name to you. If you did then there is no doubt in my mind that you would go back to killing people as Kira. You would win and become the god of the new world you would create, and you would create the rules. That means you would be right and I would be wrong, thus everything I ever did to catch you would be a huge stack of sins." L explained.

"Oh… None of us won this war though." Light said quietly.

"That makes us both sinners then." L said with a playful smile. It took ten years of his face leaving a young teenager in his place, and hadn't Light been so exhausted he'd probably have laughed at the sight.

"Are you really just going to let me go free?" Light asked, still finding it hard to believe that L would release him that easily.

"Well, I will expect you to at least stay at my side. You know, now that you know my real name and all it won't do to let you walk away." L said.

"Nothing will change then." Light said with a sigh.

"Everything will change, Light-kun."

Light nodded vaguely. "Perhaps."

"I suppose we should return to the main room before the taskforce issues a search party for us." L said suddenly, already getting up from his spot in the stairs.

"Oh." Light said, not feeling ready to pull his masks back in place and continue acting as if he was perfectly fine in front of his father and co-workers. He was already both emotionally and physically drained and needed rest more than anything else.

"You may take the rest of the day off Light-kun, I'm sure you have a lot to think about." L said as he noticed Light's hesitancy. "As have I. In fact, I think I'll take the day off as well." L added with a smirk, suddenly heading up the stairs again.

"Matsuda won't be happy." Light commented as he got up for where he was seated, happy to follow L back to their apartment.

"I am aware." L answered with a shrug, clearly not caring at all what Matsuda thought about him.

-x-

So wasn't that an emotional rollercoaster. Please do tell me what you think about this chapter. It was so hard to write, and I really want to know if I did the story justice.