Hello,

Long time no see? Hehe, I know I have been gone for a while for a few reasons. First, university. Second, I got some critic which is nice of course but it demotivated me. Also, it showed me that maybe I should do some more explaining about my story. I will do that after this little announcement. What motivated me to write was all the new Followers and Favourites and I was like "… could it be? People liking my story?" so I thought to put out this chapter. It is a little different, let me warn you. Also: Trigger warning in this one. Mention of Suicide. There are also some other perspectives, I hope you like it. Also tell me if you mind the other perspectives or if it is okay like this?

To the explaining:

1) Death

So in this story one can easily get the impression that Death is a pretty cool guy. Well, wrong. My thought process goes like this: Death is probably pretty deceitful and out for his own advantage. Now Harry comes along, lalalala, bam, "Master of Death". Hm, what does Death do? Give Harry a pretty useless body in a different world without magic so that he knows at every time where Harry is and what he is doing. Also he didn't explain a lot about the job, did he? No, he didn't, he is still out there, doing his thing while Harry his "Enjoying" his new life.

2) Harry

So some people complained (I am not exactly sure right now, but along the lines of: ) that Harry is too broken, his decisions are irrational and stuff like that. My explanation for this is, that even though Harry might not recognize it right now, but being in a child's body has consequences, like being a child again. Children have a different thought process, different hormones and are in fact not grown ups. Otherwise why do you think there is a different law for minors? So even though Harry doesn't recognize that he behaves more childish he does. That is also why I didn't write it in the story because it is mostly out of his perspective. He thinks he is the grown up of the old world when he is not.

Is there anything else you don't understand? Just ask, I am happy to answer your questions.

Now, enjoy the new chapter.

Chapter 10

The backroom was darkly lit. The lightbulb was old and the orange light couldn't reach every grey corner of the haunted room. Open metal shelves framed the walls. Some of the parts were coated in dark red rust. They were filled with odd trinkets. A collection of water glasses, most see through, some blue, all covered by dust and filled with dead flies. Walnut shells and books with yellow pages, broken metal shards and sunglasses, copper wires and plastic keys and foremost everywhere, little play figures. Red and yellow ones, some black and purple ones also. Only the blue ones were missing.

On the ground laid a dirty yellow mattress with weird dark stains on it. On top of it was a old pillow and a ratty blanket. Limbs spread like a starfish laid a man tangled in the blanket on it. He was staring at the ceiling with a stupid smile on his face. His teeth were an odd white and his face had spots on it. Like he had been cooking and the tomato sauce splashed everywhere. Or he shook the ketchup bottle but didn't screw the lid on very tight. The man, he was in a thrill of ecstasy. He felt fulfilled and balanced. His pulsing urges, his tangled thoughts they were gone. Again. Finally. In he couldn't remember how long it had been since he had slept through a night for once. On his lips he could still taste the coppery and salty residue of the last session that brought release to his mind. When he closed his eyes he could see empty dull eyes. And he could breathe again. Now already he dreaded the day he had to leave his safe place, the place he could retreat to, the place that was the only home to him he had ever known.

He couldn't put his finger on it but there was something amiss. Sure, he felt mentally released, he felt content and cozy. The tension was not leaving his body. He was tense, ready to fight or flight or fly away. He wasn't sure why he felt like this, didn't everything go according to plan? He thought back. Everything had been perfect, he had planned every single detail. Everything had been like it had been in his fantasy. Did he leave a trace? Did he oversee anything? In his mind he went over everything. And again and again and over and over again just to start anew.

Then it hit him like a lightning bolt putting his body under painful electric tension. He bolted up right on his bed. If you could call it a bed. Eyes wide, mouth oven, hands digging in his scalp and pulling his hair. He let out a gasp and then a pant and what followed was scream that sounded so animalic people how would have heard it, wouldn't have believed anything else than it coming from an animal.

"Oh shit, the boy", he said raspy into the empty room. Nobody heard him. Nobody cared. The tangled thoughts returned. The demanding urges wanted to be pleased. He thought he had had more time.

Writing exams was easy when the results don't matter at all. Writing exams was easy when the results were semi-important but not all there was. But writing exams when your whole future was depending on them? Not that easy anymore.

The tests Harry was writing were of the last kind. He wanted to do well, to be allowed to stay in this weird place. He didn't want to be ward of the system, to be helpless. The stress he put on himself was almost the hardest thing about this situation. If he screwed up he would be kicked out, sent to a family as a foster child and he heard his uncle rant about those. Even though he knew subconsciously that almost everything coming out of this uncle's mouth was utter bullshit, this kind of stuck with him. He didn't know why. And here, here he could learn, get to know new things. He would have a higher education and a better chance later in life.

The test questions varied from every topic one could imagine. In every part the questions got gradually harder and harder. For the Math potion he had a good feeling. He had been required to study Arithmancy in his unspeakable training. Even though he hadn't enjoyed it all that much he wasn't bad at it. And Arithmancy was just complicated Math. During his studies he regretted choosing Divination as his elective in third year. He should have listened to Hermione but then again, he should have listened to Hermione a lot more times than he did. Thinking of Hermione recalled memories of her and memories of her hurt. A lot. He pushed the thought and the memories away quickly before they became too distracting.

Literature was not bad either considering he read only a few of the classics. And the ones he read was during his here-time with the Dursleys in the library. The wizard community was just so ignorant and deemed anything muggle unworthy. He was not entirely certain but he imagined the people creating this test didn't want to know about "The Tales of Beedle the Bard", "Merlin the Wise" or "Morgana's Secret". Only a thought though. Thus Harry only managed to get through about a third of this part.

The next big portion was about science. Physics was as easy as Math had been. Chemistry not so much in comparison. One might think it is similar to potions or, god forbit, cooking, which is definitely not true. But then again, if it were, he had been a total failure at potions. At least when Snape was around and when he was not, he hadn't been much better. Snape had been enough to kill any passion he had ever possessed about this field of magic. But he wouldn't mind some liquid luck right now. Biology was a whole other thing because it was not about mathematical formulas at all. Good thing he read up on it in the library in the desperate attempt to understand his new powers. It hadn't helped, go figure. Harry was up to par with all the different processes within the human body and also its anatomy. There was so much more to biology than the human body. Evolution? Yes, he was familiar with the different theories over the time and foremost Darwin. Genetics? Very interesting. Botanic? Similar to herbology but not his strong suit. Ecology? Also very enjoyable study topic but he didn't read up on it. Now, all this questions about how fish, birds, amphibia and insects breathe? There was some common knowledge but not much, another thing he blamed the Wizard world for.

Philosophy was something he excelled in, he was sure. There were a few philosophers he didn't know of and thus not what their theories were. The largest portion of this part was about Kant, someone Harry secretly admired. His works are confusing and not easy to read but once you can get past it, a whole new world opens up for the mind. Harry's favourite quote was "Sapere aude".

Then there was a part about history. He didn't do as good as he wanted to do. Which was due to the fact that he was most familiar with Wizard history and he thought maybe if he wrote about the rise and fall about a Dark Lord or a Goblin war, they would show him to a really nice cozy room with white rubber walls. Really tempting thought but maybe for later. The most important dates he knew although.

Spanish, German, French, Italian, Polish, Japanese, Mandarin, Latin, Greek, ancient Greek and some more languages Harry didn't recognize. Spanish he knew a little. He was pretty proficient in German and French. In Latin and ancient Greek he excelled. These were the two languages he needed the most as an Unspeakable. There were commonly used in old magical readings. Sometimes the readings were also written in Gaelic. Harry adapted and picked up some of the Scottish Gaelic. He was not very good but he knew some.

Some other questions confused him. They were asking if he did any sports? Well aside from running away from Dudley's Gang, he supposed not, except Quidditch was a thing here. Did he play an instrument? Well, he could make people sing with the right spell but Harry thought they wouldn't appreciate this answer. Could he draw? As an answer he drew a cat which looked more like a hybrid between a horse and rabbit. Charming.

The last few questions were different. A personality test, how existing. There were ink painting, at least he thought that was what they were, and he had to say what they were representing. In most of them he saw blood, murder, dust and dark haunted figures. How troublesome, maybe he should lie? He didn't want to present himself as mentally ill. In the end, he mixed his answers, some true, some more harmless.

Harry sat in an empty room. The chair was not comfortable but he could manage. In front of him were his test papers. He was done. Hopefully it had been enough

Harry was back in his room. On his bed laid a stack of clothing. Some shirts, some T-Shirts, pants, pyjamas, socks and underwear. They looked all new and smelled freshly washed. He put them away in his new closet. The closet still looked empty but he already owned more clothes and also clothes of more value than he had ever gotten from the Dursleys. Which was not a hard task to succeed in but it still felt nice.

On his desk laid some notebooks with some pens and pencils. He sat down on the chair and opened one of the notebooks. The paper was smooth and bleach white. It was a heavy kind of paper. This was a notebook you considered buying every time you went to the store even though you have five at home which were only partly used but you want it anyways because the paper invited being written on it.

The pen looked fancy. It was a black roll ball pen. Opening the cover, Harry wrote his name on the first page. First he wanted to write his old name, but then he corrected himself in the last second. In plain letters he wrote Crys. He thought the name was strange, but it was a name like anybody else's. Maybe he should be glad not to be named Mai or Bonne? He wondered, what should he write into the notebook? He didn't know, so he opened a desk drawer and put the notebook away.

Suddenly the door banged open and against the wall. The loud noise startled Harry and he felt out of his chair. Once again his body thought he would get a beating now. How annoying. On the way down he fell awkwardly, banging his head on the desk.

"Ouch", Harry moaned reaching up to where he had hit his head but accidently also hitting his hand on the desk. He could hear the sound of his hand hitting the desk but also something else. A clicking sound, curious.

"Oh right. It's you", said his roommate. Gray looked a little ruffled, his hair was messy like he had been outside and the wind had messed with it. Also his cheeks were flushed but he didn't wear any outdoor clothing like a coat. He looked around, his glance lingering a little bit longer right above Harry. Then he threw a last hateful glance his way and turned around, throwing the door shut behind him. Harry was left behind puzzled. That was weird. He wondered if his roommate is ever going to calm down. His head already stopped buzzing but his hand still hurt a little. He turned his head a little, looking at the desk. What had that sound been?

The desk looked normal on the first glance. One of the pencils had rolled off the table due to the jerking motion caused by Harry's head. Harry got onto his knees, now on eye level with the tabletop. He inspected it with his eyes and drove his hands along it. There, there was a little rising in the wood. Harry pushed hard and a secret drawer popped open in the tabletop. Harry fell on his bum. He was surprised but also felt a little smug. So he didn't imagined the clicking sound after all.

In the secret drawer was a notebook. It was the same as his notebook, the same cover only did it looked well used. The pages were a little yellow on the sides and looked crumbled. Harry pulled it out, it was heavy in his hands. He opened the top. On the first page it said simply "A".

I am a little older than the other kids. Not that it bothers me, I like to think that it gives me an edge. Not every genius is automatically grown up, especially these little shitheads.

This is the first time I can feel okay that my mother is dead. Suicide. Haunted me a long time. Now I even feel glad. I can be in this program, develop and one day even might become a detective. Not any detective, no, THE detective. They expect me to do better than L. I really want to, I feel like I can do it. It will take a lot of me, I know.

Is this the life my mother had wanted for me when she killed herself? I don't know, but somehow she must have thought that I would be better off without her which is so not true. Figuring out why she did it, it took up a lot of time. I never came to a sufficient answer.

Tomorrow will be a test to determine our ranking. I am going to beat them all. I will, I hope I will.

..-..

I am on fourth place in the ranking. I feel so disappointed. I know I could have been better, I know I should have made it count. These shitheads Mello, Matt and this retard Near are in front of me. The way they looked at me, like I was worth nothing. I need to be better.

My mother would have wanted me to be better. She would have wanted the best for me, the best OF me.

..-..

Today we discussed a case. We should come to a solution on our own. Mello laughed at me because my solution was too "simple". In that moment I wanted to wipe that smug grin of his face so bad. Sometimes murderers do think simple, sometimes it is not some kind of mastermind. What an idiot. His solution wasn't right either.

I have trouble sleeping. Every time I close my eyes I think that I am wasting time. And when I think about how I am wasting time and that I could be studying or reading through old case files, I get anxious. When I get anxious I get stressed and I can't breathe anymore. Then I can't sleep because my thoughts are circling black holes and I have to take care to not fall into them.

..-..

We have someone new in the Program. G, but we call him Gray because he always looks so sad and it gets him riled up. And, he is my roommate. Everybody has a roommate, I didn't. I do now. I don't want to share my room with someone. Now I can't read all night, or maybe I should and he will change rooms.

Matt was caught stealing a cigarette. I thought he would get in trouble but he said he needed it to keep his mind sharp and they just let him be. What a drag, I wanted him to get into trouble. I hate cigarettes.

..-..

I couldn't sleep again. I pretended to be asleep, but I wasn't. More like I couldn't. Gray probably thought I was asleep because I could hear his muffled cries and sniffles. What a drag. Does he think he is the only one who has a reason to cry here? Can't he shut up? It drags my mood down as well.

Tonight I also thought about mom again. Maybe I should do it for her? She sacrificed herself. No, I shouldn't think like that. She left me. I needed her and she is just gone. It is so selfish.

..-..

I am on the fifth place of the ranking. I thought after being a while on the fourth place my way would be up not down. Damn it, my competitors are working harder than me. I need to work harder as well, what I am doing is not enough!

Gray won't stop crying. I can not stand it anymore. No wonder he has these bloodshot eyes all the time. Well, I guess most of us have them, it seems insomnia is common among geniuses. But I swear, if he doesn't stop, I will make him stop.

..-..

We had another case study today. I was the only one who got it wrong. I was so embarrassed. Am I too stupid? Am I not enough? I can't, I can't do it anymore. The director talked to me today. After the ranking was determined. He told me that I needed to improve or they would let me go. I don't want to go. I don't want to go back! This is wrong, this is not how it is suppose to go.

I can't eat anymore. Food feels like sand in my mouth and when I want to swallow it, it is like I am trying to swallow stones. I try to eat something nonetheless.

Gray looks down. I feel sorry for him. He is even further down the ranking than me.

..-..

Tonight I confronted Gray about the crying. He looked shocked. He didn't know that I had been awake the whole time. He tried to downplay it but I didn't let it go.

He and his little sister lived with his grandparents. His little sister went missing, was never found. Then it was just him living with his grandparents. Then he came here. I hugged him. Then I told him to shut up at night. He even smiled at me. I smiled back.

..-..

Wammy's house is changing. We are not the only Program here anymore. More and more kids are coming to stay. I am not quite sure what to think of it. Some of them are not even geniuses in the common sense. There is this boy, he is an excellent swimmer and this girl, she plays the violin like Mozart. I even lost a tear listening to her.

This change gives me hope because that means that Wammy's house is not solely for L's successors anymore but also for other children. Maybe they let me stay even when I fail?

..-..

Today I came to a realisation about my mother. I know why she committed suicide. It was not about me. It has never been the whole time. It was about this world. It is so cruel and rotten inside, if you don't make it, you die. She just died a little earlier than others. She was so brave going on for so long. Who can blame her.

Tonight I cried for the first time in a very long time. Gray slept through the night for the first time in a long while.

..-..

Gray smiles at me now. He respects me, looks up to me. I feel guilty, I feel like a fraud. He shouldn't look up to me, he should look up to L. L is one of the, if not the greatest Detective ever known to mankind.

My ranking dropped again. I laid awake all night. I couldn't eat anything. I want to close my eyes and be far away.

..-..

L talked to us today. He is so blunt and honest. I appreciate that, I can respect that. It still hurt and I still regret although.

He called out the names in front of the whole Program who needs improvement. He also said my name. Mello had this smug smirk on his face again. I was so angry. So disappointed it hurts. I am so angry I even crumble this very paper I write on.

..-..

Now I understand why my mother left this earth to go somewhere else. She couldn't take this constant pressure from every one every time constantly anymore. I get her now, I really do. It is like she was swimming through water but she was already so far down that she couldn't swim against all the water mass anymore. Air is running thin. And from down here it is impossible to see the light up there.

Tonight I wanted to talk with Gray. I opened my mouth to say something, he had looked at me expectantly but nothing came out of my stupid mouth. I probably looked like a fish gaping.

..-..

I have risen a rank. I don't even feel the joy anymore. It doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

And, it is too late. I have already made up my mind. Poor Gray, I hope he will find somebody he can trust.

..-..

Mello had smirked at me, he expected me to do something or say something back like I usually do. It didn't phase me at all. Because I knew that it will be over soon. I like this feeling of nothingness. I just walked right passed Mello like I didn't see him at all.

Later on he tripped me, he wanted a reaction out of me but he didn't get one. I fell and banged my knee. The pain was only half as bad because I knew, I knew I wouldn't need to feel pain anymore soon.

I was walking on clouds the whole day. Nothing could get to me because I knew it was only temporary.

..-..

Mello has gotten Matt involved. Today Matt had followed me everywhere and blew cigarette smoke into my face because he knew it bothered me. I acted like he was not there. Nothing can phase me. Everything has an expiration date.

Mello cornered me, asked me why I was acting weird. I told him to figure it out himself because he was a true genius after all, was he not? He was so riled up. He gripped my shirt, wanted to punch me. Gray came around the corner and got involved.

Even though I didn't feel anything these past days, Gray stepping up for me, something inside me was moved. My focus shifted. I am uncertain. Should I? Gray would be devastated but, this was my life after all? Couldn't I do with it as I pleased?

..-..

Today I felt dizzy. The whole day. Everything seemed blurry. I don't care anymore, not even Gray. He will handle it. It is like walking through water.#

..-..

Mello said he had figured it out. I am scared. Then he told me I had an eating disorder and that I hadn't been eating this whole week. I was so relieved, I laughed and couldn't stop. I laughed and laughed and even have to chuckle now.

Soon. Soon it will be over.

..-..

I thought about leaving a letter behind. I decided against it. These geniuses will know why I did it. A letter is just something to hold onto. Meaningless words to make it easier for loved ones. I had none.

My mother didn't leave a letter either. I guess she didn't care then.

..-..

It had been a long time since Gray had cried last during the nights. Maybe he will start soon again.

Tomorrow.

..-..

This is the last time I write into this notebook. How strange it feels to know to be no more in just a few minutes. How strange to imagine a world without yourself in it. Will it stop? No, of course not. The world with never stop, for no one. It will go on and on and on. It will turn around the same things over and over again. Power, Money. Power, Money. Money, Power. I will leave nothing behind. There is no one to moan my death. It is good like this.

My last words, well, there shall be none. Or maybe, I have a treasure hidden in…

..-..

He laid awake at night. His eyes wide open unable to close them. They were dry and already burning he imagined the red veins in them and how bloodshot they would like tomorrow. He didn't care. He couldn't possibly close them. If he were to close them, he would see. How ironic it sounded but he couldn't handle to see the images anymore. When people tell you that the past would come back to haunt you, they were telling the truth.

The body was hanging from the ceiling, slowly turning circle after circle. Then changing direction and turning again. Dark shadows laid heavily on it's face. Purple, puffy, eyes spilling out of their sockets.

Gray swallowed even though his throat was as dry as sandpaper. One would think that it didn't hurt anymore, that it could not possibly hurt anymore. It did. He thought, he thought he had trusted him! He failed him, he was a failure. He turned his head. The new kid laid on his bed. His things spread on a desk, in a closet that was not his. It made him so angry. How can he just lay there looking so innocent. How can he sleep? Did he not know? Did he not care? Gray wanted to jump up and strangle him till his face was also purple, puffy and the eyes spill out of their sockets.

Instead, Gray turned over, facing the wall. He had no tears left. Soon they would kick him out. Soon he would have to leave because he was not performing anymore. He was not considered a genius anymore. Sure, the director had given him time to cope, but how can he cope when it was his fault? If only, if only he had been there earlier. If only he had done… done something. If only.