I'd made it through to the weekend. As promised I'd worked out with Celeste on Wednesday afternoon, and by Friday our twice-daily workouts were a regular part of my new post-Dimitri schedule. It still felt like half of me was missing, but I was grateful to Celeste for stepping in and helping to fill my hours. I honestly didn't know how I would have made it through without her support. We didn't talk about Dimitri much, but she didn't avoid talking about him either. And it was nice to spend time with someone who knew he was more to me than just a mentor, even if we hadn't discussed just how much more he was to me.
It wasn't until Friday lunchtime that the first question about Dimitri's whereabouts had come.
"Hey, you've been working out with Matthews?" Eddie commented. "She's hot…"
"I'll tell her you think so, Castile. Maybe she has a thing for schoolboys," I said dryly, bracing myself for what I knew was about to come.
"So where's Belikov? I haven't seen him since you two went on your mock qualifier."
"He's on leave. Gone to visit his family in Russia," I said, shoving my mouth full of the fettuccini carbonara that was the best offering on Friday's lunch menu.
"That's not fair. First, you get mentored by the Russian God, and now you're working out with Matthews…" Eddie whined.
"What can I say? Some girls have all the luck," I mumbled morosely, Eddie not picking up on my tone.
I couldn't believe it had taken everyone else the better part of a week to notice that Dimitri wasn't around. I mean – the guy was a mountain; he wasn't exactly easy to miss. Although really I suppose it just showed how hyper-aware I'd always been when it came to his presence.
"His family are in St. Petersburg aren't they?" Lissa asked idly.
"No, they're outside of Omsk in a little town called Baia," I replied, trying to keep my tone impassive.
"Oh? That's near St. Petersburg, though, isn't it?"
"If you call two-thousand miles near," I said acerbically. I shouldn't take my frustrations out on Lissa. I'd known no better before I'd fallen in love with a man from Russia.
"Will he be there for Christmas?" she asked. "It would be nice for him to spend the holidays with his family."
"I'm not sure," I said quietly. "They don't celebrate Christmas in Russia until January anyway."
"Ahh yes – they use the Julian calendar…" Christian had started to explain to Lissa, trying to impress her, while I tuned out. Talking about Dimitri made me think about him, and I'd been trying my hardest to avoid that.
And now it was Saturday morning, and I was sitting in my room pondering what to do with myself. Lissa had plans with Christian, and Celeste had taken on an extra shift, so we weren't training together today. Her family was coming for a short visit between Christmas and New Years, so she was trying to work extra shifts before then so she could take time off to spend with them.
Looking around my room, there was plenty I could occupy myself with. I had some homework I should do, and I hadn't tackled any of the washing from Missoula, yet. Mine or Dimitri's. But just thinking about him brought it on again; the overwhelming feeling of emptiness. It wasn't so bad when I was busy – I could almost push the fear and loss away. But it was times like these, times when I was alone, that I felt it most.
Nights were honestly the worst. For as long as I could remember I'd slept alone. Even as a young child I couldn't recall ever falling asleep with another, the Academy, of course, being very proper about things like that. So I hadn't understood the peace of sleeping curled up next to another person, especially a person you loved. And while I'd only had four nights sleeping next to Dimitri, versus seventeen years without, every time I tried to sleep now my body craved the feeling of his strong manly arms around me. I yearned for the steady, comforting beat of his heart and the feel of his breath on my hair.
I knew I had to tackle the laundry because I was running out of things to wear. Half of me was wanting to rip Dimitri's clothes out of the hamper and bury myself in them, so that I could immerse myself in his ambrosial aroma. The other half dreaded even seeing his things because it would just bring everything to the forefront. So, ever the procrastinator, I decided to do my calculus homework before punishing myself with the laundry.
Yet even there my mind was brought back to Dimitri. I could hear his voice in my head going through the problems with me like he had a fortnight ago in the library, showing me how to figure out the solutions. It meant I got my homework done quickly - which was both a blessing and a curse.
Realizing I could put it off no longer, I decided to play some music and sort the washing hamper. I plugged my phone into the dock Lissa had given me when she upgraded to a better model, flicking through the directories until I found 'Comrade' - the songs from Dimitri's phone. There were various playlists; Weights Workout, Cardio Workout, 80s Driving, Country Driving, Sparring, Country Favorites and the like. But the one that drew my eye was one named Roza. I scrolled through the list of songs, unsurprised to see titles that looked like they were love songs. Not trusting myself to listen to those, I chose the 80s Driving playlist, grabbing the hamper and listening to a song about being hungry like a wolf.
I started by separating my clothing from Dimitri's stuff. There wasn't a huge amount of his things to wash. Some underwear, socks, a few shirts and pants and the workout gear he'd worn to our last workout. Lifting that from where I'd spilled it on my bed, I could smell him like he was standing next to me. The familiar scent of his aftershave and deodorant, with the masculine smell of his sweat, too. I brought the shirt up to my face, inhaling deeply closing my eyes and trying to imagine I was resting my face against his broad chest, the fingers of his large hands snaking their way into my hair. Shaking my head, I pulled his shirt away before I could douse it with tears. I found a clean paper shopping bag, shoving his workout gear in it. I folded it at the top to seal it, and without pondering my motivations in any way whatsoever, I shoved it into the bottom drawer in my cupboard. Then I bundled the rest of the washing back into my hamper and trudged down to the laundry at the bottom of the Novice dorms.
Unlike the Moroi dorms, which had a full laundry service for students, Novices had a dank laundry room on the ground floor. A small bank of washers and dryers serviced the entire building, so at times demand well and truly outstripped supply, particularly on the weekend.
As luck would have it, I was the first one there today, and there was even washing powder left, so I took full advantage – choosing side by side machines, loading one with pales, the other with colors. I wasn't known for being the most meticulous in the laundry, but I didn't think Dimitri would thank me if I ruined his clothes, so I took my time carefully emptying pockets and checking tags. I was standing in my own little world, holding a pair of Dimitri's boxers, fingers stroking where 'Belikov' was printed on the iron-on tag. Checkered blue cotton, I could still picture my man wearing these when he'd stripped down with me after we'd watched the sunrise. These were the boxers he'd taken off when we'd first made love.
Footsteps approaching the laundry shook me from my reverie, and throwing the last of his underwear in with the pales I loaded washing powder and started both machines, looking up in time to see Meredith enter the laundry room with her own hamper.
I hadn't seen Meredith alone since the shower incident on Tuesday morning. I'd seen her in classes, and she'd not said anything, and I was hoping she'd not say anything now. I had half a mind to escape upstairs in order to avoid her, but when the laundry got busy, Novices had a nasty way of pulling unguarded washing out of machines in order to use the latter themselves - and a load of garments, some with tags saying 'Belikov', dumped on the table would raise even more difficult questions.
"Hey Meredith," I greeted. "Got your Christmas shopping done?"
"Not yet," she grumbled. "I'm traveling home on Thursday week after next, so that will give me Friday or Saturday to get everything. I so don't want to be shopping on Christmas Eve, though. What about you?"
"I've not bought a thing," I admitted. Not that I had a lot of people to buy for. Eddie and Mason were both as poor as me, so we had a standing agreement not to get anything for one another. I couldn't see me buying anything for Christian so that just left Lissa. She was hard to buy for at the best of times, and funds were at an all-time low just now, but I'd come up with something, I hoped.
Thankfully Meredith didn't say a word about her suspicions of Dimitri and I showering together, and after we'd been chatting about twenty minutes, other Novices joined us in the laundry room, so the chat remained general. Still – I was careful to keep my body between her and the machines when I transferred my washing from the washers to the dryers. I ran the dryers through twice, in no hurry to finish up and return to my room.
When the dryers had done a second cycle, I discreetly pulled everything back into my hamper and wishing the other Novices a nice day I walked back up to my room.
Spilling the contents of the hamper back onto my bed I slowly folded and hung my clothing, neatly piling Dimitri's stuff and putting it to one side. I'd ask Alberta to let me into his room sometime so I could return it. It had only just gone midnight, yet everything I needed to do was done. I was lying on my bed, staring into space, thinking how more than anything I missed talking to Dimitri. He was always interested in hearing the small details of my day. The insignificant little happenings that wove together to form the patchwork of life.
I fired up the Academy issued laptop, checking my e-mails. There was nothing significant other than one from Alberta telling me my qualifier was scheduled for the 22nd December a five-hour drive away from campus. Again I wished Dimitri was here to tell. So I opened a new e-mail window, typing in my Russian God's address. I knew he wouldn't get it – Dimitri had been clear he'd have no access to technology once he left – and since he'd been reallocated our usually indolent IT may have had a fit of industry and shut down his account. But I needed to feel like I could talk to him, and so I typed.
Dear Comrade,
It's midnight Saturday – four days exactly since you left. Everything's the same here, but in other ways so different. Celeste has started training with me, so I'm still working out twice every day. I'm grateful because the days are long without you here and it's hard to fill them.
We would be working out today, too, but Celeste is doing an extra shift, so I've done my homework and then the washing. All your things are piled up ready to put back in your room. I'll get Alberta to let me in so I can return them.
Eddie was the first to ask where you were, so the story of you visiting Baia is now out. No one's questioned it.
My qualifier is scheduled for three days before Christmas. I'm not sure who'll be going with me. I might ask if Celeste can go. She kind of knows about us, so it's easy to hang out with her. She doesn't ask why I keep bursting into tears! I'm nervous about meeting Arthur Schoenberg. Even retired the guy is a badass. I almost wish you didn't warn me as now I'm stressing about that, too.
I have been missing you like crazy. Falling asleep without you is hard. I get out our photos and look at how happy we were together. I wonder where you are and what you're doing. Are you missing me, too? Is it hard for you to sleep as well? I spend my nights wondering and worrying. More than anything I wish you were here.
I want you, Dimitri. I'm dragging myself through the days, but nothing seems to hold my interest anymore. All I want is you.
I love you. I miss you. Please come back to me,
Your Roza
I pressed send – firing my words out into the ether. Even though he wasn't going to get them, in some way it helped to at least write how I was feeling. With another ten hours before I could reasonably climb into bed, I changed into workout gear. I'd go to the gym via the cafeteria. Celeste had shown me a new kick technique yesterday, so I might as well get it down pat before our Monday morning training session.
The second week without Dimitri passed much like the first. No one spoke much about him – my friends accepting the story of him being on leave without question, and those who knew the real story not wanting to bring up the sensitive issue.
My behavior during the week had been exemplary, mostly because Alto and I had reached an uncomfortable standoff. I'd attend classes mostly on time and without too much grumbling. He'd keep his snarky comments to a minimum and ignore the random times when tears welled in my eyes.
"What's going on?" Eddie asked at Friday lunch – a week after he'd first commented on Dimitri's absence. "You haven't been thrown out of Alto's class once this week?"
"I've been trying to behave, so I'm allowed to go shopping in Missoula with Lissa," I lied. Eddie lifted his eyebrow, reminding me in that instant of my Russian God.
"Since when do you like shopping?" he asked skeptically.
"Since I'd do just about anything to get out of this shithole for a day and out into the human world, even if I have to spend it in a mall!" I responded.
I was saved by Lissa and Christian arriving at our table at that moment. Our shopping trip was on Lissa's mind, too - I could hear her outlining the various people she needed to buy for.
"Rose! Have you got your list ready?" she asked enthusiastically. "We'll be leaving at 8 am!"
"Um, no. I'm only buying for you," I admitted.
"But you have to get something for Christian," she demanded. "I know he'll be buying something for you." Christian and I stared at one another. I'm not sure which of us was less excited at the prospect of trading gifts. "And you should buy something for his Aunt Tasha. She's coming to spend Christmas at the school with us this year."
My head shot up. "Oh? I didn't know that?" I said, looking to Christian.
"Yeah. We haven't had a Christmas together in a few years. She said she wants to come spend my last one here at St. Vladimir's together, but I think she really wants to meet Lissa," he said, looking embarrassed.
"Come on, Rose. Let's get some food," Lissa said, almost dragging me by the arm up to the food line. Obediently I followed, noticing the troubled look on my best friend's face. "I'm so worried about meeting Christian's Aunt," she confided. "After what happened with his parents, she basically brought him up. It's like meeting my mother-in-law," she hissed. "I don't even know what she's like – Christian's never told me much about her."
I tried to remember the little Dimitri had said about her. It wasn't much, but I got the feeling she wasn't the stuffy type.
"I think she should be alright," I said soothingly. "I know she used to hang out with Dimitri's old charge Ivan Zeklos. They dated for a little while I think? He was pretty laid back so she should be too?" I mused.
"Oh! Hopefully, Guardian Belikov will get back while she's here then," Lissa said, brightening considerably. "It will help if she has someone her own age to talk with."
"Her own age?" I asked. From the little Christian had said about his family, Tasha had been twenty when his parents turned – so she'd have to be thirty-something now. "Isn't she in her thirties?"
"Thirty-two or thirty-three," Lissa supplied. "Maybe she knew Guardian Belikov and Lord Zeklos from school?" she pondered.
"I doubt it. Dimitri and Ivan were in the same year, and Dimitri only turned twenty-five a couple of weeks ago."
"Really?" Lissa said, surprised. "Are you sure? I always thought he was older than that."
"I think it's the height," I mumbled. That and the fact he rarely smiled when he was on duty. When he had his hair out and was being himself, he looked his age.
All this thinking about Dimitri was getting me down. I hated the casual way Lissa spoke about him, not realizing she was talking about the man I loved. The man who'd stolen my heart and taken it God knows where on a mission he was unlikely to return from. Turning away from her, I spun to look at the refrigerator with the pre-packaged sandwiches, blinking back tears I tried to look as though I was contemplating my selection. Reaching out and grabbing the first pack my hand encountered, I followed Lissa along the line.
"I'm sure you're right," Lissa said, still on the topic of Tasha. "She's probably really lovely, but I want to buy her the perfect present. I'll need all your help!"
"Sure," I sighed, trying not to imagine walking around the same mall I'd wandered through hand in hand with Dimitri a fortnight ago. "How about I pump Christian for info on Tasha on the drive there?" I suggested helpfully.