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Broken Hearts

Chapter 10 – Regrets

No one's POV.

Jade sat down on Tori's bed and before reading through the book flipped through it. She noticed there were only 6 entries.

Jade, her emotions churning like winds in a hurricane, her heart pounding like a drum, knew she would finally get some answers. Who was it that stolen Tori's heart and seemingly discarded it.

Opening the book she found the first entry. It was in Tori's neat penmanship, and was dated 3 weeks ago.

Dec 1

I don't even know where to start. The website I read, said that writing down what stresses you, can help alleviate the stress. I'm not even sure I can write it down. I'm so used to hiding everything I feel, not even daring to let it show in private. I'm afraid if I do, I may get caught. I'm so afraid. My stomach hurts more each day. It's getting harder and harder for me to hide the pain.

I deserve the pain. I deserve the pain because I'm such a coward. Every time I see them together, my heart breaks even further. I have to face it and smile and pretend I'm not dying inside. It's my fault. I'm a coward. That's all I can write today…

Jade could feel her anger swell even further. "So someone did hurt her. But why did she consider herself a coward, why did she think she deserved the pain."

Of course Jade still had no idea which guy had so broken her heart. It only made her hate that unnamed person even more. Jade desperately needing to know flipped to the next entry.

December 5

I should write every day, but it's so hard for me to write. I feel like more like I'm confessing my sins, rather than putting my thoughts to paper. I'm in love...No I'm insanely in love. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I don't want anyone else. But I lost. They found someone else and I will be alone forever...my heart is dying, I feel like I'm dying. More and more. My stomach hurts all the time now. Yet I still hold it all in. I was too afraid to say how I felt and they found someone else. I deserve the pain for my utter cowardice. I'm so pathetic...I don't feel like writing more.

"Vega, so typical. Keep beating around the bush. Just say it woman, so I can find this man and kill him." Growled Jade, who was in a near state of rage.

December 9

Jade

Jade read the first word and stopped. "Why is she talking about me?"

She then continued to read.

Jade...I love you so much...so much it hurts. I never thought in a million years when we first became friends that I would slowly and completely fall in love with you. You're beautiful and perfect. I want to smell your hair, I want to feel your skin, I want to hear you laugh, I want to everything... All that time we spent together bonding over Cat's death, becoming close friends I realized that I was gay and falling in love with you. I love being with you. Even when we're bickering or fighting, I love being with you. But what did I do about it… Nothing. That's all for today.

For Jade, that she was the object of Tori's affection felt like having a building dropped on top of her. It simply was far too much for Jade to handle. She was too stunned to even say a word, as she literally started to hyperventilate.

Quickly she turned to the next entry.

December 12

I was in love and I was too scared to do anything about it. So terrified that she wouldn't be my friend anymore. That she would reject me. It's happened to others. So I held my tongue. Taking the job at camp was hard. I'd be away from Jade and I hated that. But I thought it may give me time to work it all out, what I'd do and say. The pain in my stomach today….I'm popping tums and Tylenol like it's going out to style. I'm surprised no one's noticed. What's happening to me…I don't care. I was all set to tell you Jade. The night of the dance, I had my speech practice and prepared. But you came with Eric and I died. I died and became this thing you see, I'm not Tori any longer. I'm only an imitation of her. The sad part is that no one's noticed, not Trina, not my sister, not even Jade. It's so hard to write these. Every word, I have to fight to get out onto paper.

That was the end of that chapter and Jade, flipped instantly to the next entry.

December 13

Jade's with Eric. I hate Eric. I hate him so much. I hate him because he's so nice and Jade looks happy with him. I have to pretend to like him, that I don't want to kick the shit out of him. That day I overheard him on the phone. I was so happy I'd bust him, doing something wrong. I put on a disguise, followed him and what is he doing feeding the homeless. I can't win, he has a noble heart and me, I've become a dark twisted shadow of my former self. Something I'm sure Jade would hate.

Finally Jade reached the 6th and final entry.

December 14

I can barely stand the pain. I've locked everything inside of me and I feel trapped now. The semester is almost over and I just want to make it through exams. It takes all my effort to smile and act as if nothing is wrong, especially when your heart is broken and you feel like someone stuck a knife in your gut. I'm exhausted and feel more miserable each and every day. When winter break comes up, I'll try and relax, stay away from Jade and Eric and think of what to do next. Maybe then my stomach will stop bothering me. I think I need to consider changing schools and remove myself from Jade's life completely. Writing this down isn't helping one bit. I was a coward, too afraid to say I was gay, too afraid to tell Jade l loved, too afraid to show my emotions and there's nothing I can do about it. I hate everything I've become. I can never tell Jade how I feel, I'll just have to take this to my grave. I wish Cat were here, her I could talk to. I have no one…..

On the next page she had written at the top, December 15. There was no entry however, as she had seemingly given up writing down her thoughts. All of this Tori had written, the fact that she hung near death and Jade's own issues cause the emotionally overwhelmed Goth to scream. Journal in hand, she stormed out of the room and left the house.

At that very moment Tori's eye's snapped open. She realized she was in a bed and felt horribly weak, somewhat groggy and didn't know where she was. She also noticed she seemed to be hooked up to several machines. A moment later she could see her parents and Trina standing next to the bed.

Tori spoke, but she found it hard and then it only came out as a whisper. "Where am I?"

"Tori, you're in the intensive care unit of rampart general hospital. You've been here for a few days and have been very sick. We were terribly worried." Tori's mother, quickly answered.

Sick, intensive care…those two words blasted through her head like a cannon ball. Could this have to do with her stomach pains, she wondered.

"Sick?"

This time her father answered. "Tori, you began to cough up blood and collapsed at school. You were diagnosed with a perforated ulcer. The contents of your stomach began to leak out. You've already been through surgery to repair the damage, but the contents leaking out of your stomach caused a massive internal infection. Why didn't you tell us something was wrong? Tori you nearly died. What's wrong?"

Tori's already face at this point went ashen as she felt utterly humiliated and ashamed by all the trouble she had caused. Tori didn't' want to answer, but knew she could no longer hid it.

Looking like she was about to Cry, Tori whimpered softly "I'm sorry."

At this point, Dr. Early stepped forward, "Folks, I'd recommend you hold the serious questions for later. She needs to rest and be as stress free as possible; her body is fighting off a very serious infection and needs all the help she can get. She's just woken up, so please go easy on her."

Holly Vega took her daughters hand. "Don't cry. Just remember your father, sister and I love you and want you to get better. We just want to help you. You don't need to speak. Just rest."

Tori nodded and then noticed that while she felt weak, the pain in her stomach was gone. It just sort of felt numb.

Trina looked to Tori. "I spoke to Principal Helen. You missed your last final, but she said you can make it up when you get better, so no worries about that. Plus you got A's in all your other finals. "

Tori nodded, but felt no less horrible about how things had turned out. A moment later another thought passed through her mind.

JADE!

Jade wasn't there, how had Jade reacted, if at all. She started to speak to find out where she was, but her father quickly hushed her.

"Don't speak Tori, you're very weak. Everyone is very worried about you, naturally. But don't worry, we'll help you work things out."

Dr. Early spoke again. "I'm sorry to cut this short, but I need to examine Tori. Plus she needs some rest. You can visit with her again in a little while."

The Vega family said their goodbyes and said they would be down the hall in the waiting room. A few moments later Dr. Early conducted his examination. .

"How bad is it?" Whispered Tori.

"You still shouldn't speak. But as your father said, the surgery succeeded and your ulcer is repaired. You may have to have a special diet, but we'll have the specialist and a nutritionist speak to you about it. But for the moment your infection is the problem. Your body is struggling to fight it off. I'd like to say you're out of the woods, but I'm afraid not quite there yet. Just relax and remember you have people that love you."

He then showed her how to use the call button/tv remote, before leaving.

Alone, Tori sighed. Now everyone knew that something had to be up. Tori had no idea how to explain any of it to anyone. That's all she could do now as try and think of a way to explain this all to her family and Jade. Her biggest fear was that it was all just going to blow up in her face, even more than it already has. She did this to herself and they would hate her for it.

Again Tori sighed.

A short while Later Robbie, Beck and Andre, hearing that Tori was waking decided to visit Tori and wish her Merry Christmas. The three also wanted to get away from their families so it provided a good excuse.

Arriving at the hospital, Andre and Beck went to the gift shop to buy some flowers and a card for Tori and Robbie who left rex behind at home, had gone to the bathroom.

As he emerged from the bathroom and was waiting for Beck and Andre, he spotted a utterly furious looking Jade strutting down the corridor. He'd seen Jade before like this and knew better than to so much as say boo to her. The Goth was not to be messed with in such situations.

So he simply backed up and let the Goth Pass. She did so without even looking at him, but stopped after passing him. He did notice she was holding a book.

"Robbie!" Snapped Jade, as she suddenly stopped.

"Yes?"

"I just remembered something. You told me that you had just said something to Tori just before she collapsed. What was it?"

Robbie quickly averted his eyes as he knew it was still a secret. "Um….it was nothing…."

The next thing he felt was him being shoved against the wall. Looking in to Jade's eyes, the woman looked crazed. "SPILL IT SHAPIRO OR THE JANITOR'S GOING TO HAVE TO MOP WHAT'S LEFT OF YOU, UP OFF THE FLOOR!"

Robbie began to tremble. "UH….I….um….I told her that Eric was going to give you a promise ring at the, after final exam party. It was supposed to be a secret. She heard it and just bent over in pain. That's all."

Jade promptly released Robbie and hissed. "I ought to gut you right here on the spot!"

Instead she gave him a hateful glare and stormed off. As he was trying to figure out what that was about he noticed that Jade had dropped the book she was holding. Picking it up he could see it was Tori's journal.

Unsure if he should, but worried for Tori he quickly opened it up and began to read.

"Oh my god!"

Jade meanwhile, half out of her mind, made a beeline for Tori's room.

A moment later Jade walked in Tori's room and threw the door shut. Tori was awake and had a very much a deer in the headlights look to her upon seeing Jade storm in.

"I can't believe you Vega! I just can't believe you! You make yourself sick because of me. Because you can't tell me how you feel."

Now looking utterly horrified, Tori squeaked. "You know?"

"OF course I know, I read your dam journal. Just how stupid could you have been to do this to yourself. YOU WANTED TO TAKE THE SECRET OF YOUR LOVE FOR ME TO THE GRAVE, YOU NEARLY GOD DAM DID!. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR BEST AND CLOSEST FRIEND. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!"

Meanwhile at that very moment, Andre and Beck came out of the gift shop holding flowers. They then spotted a shaken looking Robbie reading a book.

"Hey what gives?" Asked Beck.

"It was Jade, she looked half mad. I know that this is about. What Tori's secret was."

"What?"

He held out the book. "Jade had this and after she threatened to kill me she dropped it. She wanted to know what I said to Tori right before she collapsed. I told Jade I had told Tori about Eric's promise ring. That's what did it. That's what put her over the top."

Andre shook his head in confusion. "I don't follow."

"This it Tori's journal, she was in love with Jade. Madly in love with Jade. But she was heartbroken because of Eric. She held it all in and made herself sick. Jade must have found this and the truth. She looked crazed. She was headed to Tori's room"

Andre and Beck looked at each other nervously.

"And you just let Jade go up there?" Sputtered Andre.

"Like you would have stopped her. She's Jade a force of nature, no one stops Jade." Robbie shot back defensively.

"How long ago was this?" Asked a nervous looking Beck.

"About 2 minutes ago."

"That mean Jade's up there now!" Blurted out Beck, as he suddenly bolted towards the stairs.

Upstairs, Jade continued to let Tori have it.

"I've lost one friend already and now I nearly lose another. What hurts the most is that neither of them could tell me anything. Cat has a bad ticker and I don't find out till she's dead. You love me and I don't' find out until you're nearly dead. You think I'm that shallow that I would toss you aside for telling me something like your gay! Do you think that little of me? Did Cat think that little of me!"

Tori who had started to cry sobbed weakly. "I'm sorry!"

"Didn't ever occur to you that I may just want to know something like the fact that you loved me? No, instead you just keep it in and make yourself deathly ill in the process and I come this close to losing another friend. My best friend. Actually you're more than…."

By this time, The nurse outside the door had heard Jade's shouting and was about to call security, when Beck, followed by Andre and Robbie came running in.

"We've got this. Sorry!" Beck said as he burst in the room, catching Jade in mid rant. Seeing Jade yelling at the helpless and crying Tori, caused the normally calm Beck to blow his top.

"WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM! SHE'S SICK AND YOU HAVE THE GALL TO YELL AT HER IN HER CONDITION." Beck screamed, as he roughly shoved Jade into the wall.

Before she could even answer, he slapped her across the face with the back of his hand. "SHE LIKES YOU, DEAL WITH IT. BUT DON'T YOU EVER YELL AT HER FOR THE FACT THAT SHE HAPPENS TO LIKE YOU! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD BE THAT MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE ABOUT IT."

He raised his hand to strike her again, but was restrained by Andre who looked none to pleased by his actions. "Stop it Beck! RIGHT NOW!"

Beck immediately complied and let go of Jade.

"No Beck!" cried Tori, who couldn't be heard due to her weak voice.

By this time Tori's father, who looked pretty angry, appeared in the doorway. "What in the hell is going on! I heard the shouting down the hall"

Jade who looked to the now sobbing Tori, who also appeared to now be having problems breathing, turned ghostly white and with a horrified look, mumbled. "What have I done!"

Seeing Tori was in distress, everyone focused on her. All except Jade, who fled the room in tears.

Jade ran out of the hospital, seeming to cry harder with each and every step. She knew she handled the situation completely wrong and was utterly devastated by the result. Getting in her car she drove. Her phone rang and she could see it was Beck.

Jade turned her phone off. "Probably going to yell at me!"

A short while later Jade arrived at her destination; it was the cemetery. Alone she walked to Cat's crave and leaned up against the tombstone next to it.

"I fucked up Cat!" Sobbed Jade. "I fucked up. I was so confused and hurt and it all came out wrong. I yelled at her. They think I was yelling at her because she was gay. Now she's had some kind of set back and it's my fault. I'm confused too. Now Tori hates me, Beck hates me, they all hate me. Eric Loves me, but I don't love him. I can't go back. I just can't. She's my best friend, she's more than a friend. I think about her all the time. I can't go back."

Jade just cried and cried. She had nowhere to go and no one to talk too. All she could do is sit there, cry and look at the grave of her oldest friend.

Jade sat there for hours, distraught and heartbroken. Among the swirling mass of emotions she was feeling were, guilt and depression. Two emotions that at the moment were hitting her very hard. The guilt actually hit her so hard that she eventually concluded.

"I deserve to be in the grave Cat. Not you. You couldn't trust me and neither could Tori. I failed you both. Tori's special and now she hates me, assuming I didn't kill her. I killed her, I know I killed her."

Feeling like she had no hope left, and nothing left to say Jade looked up to see a freeway overpass next to the cemetery.

"One jump off the overpass into traffic and it's over!"

Jade shed another tear closed her eyes and silently made up her mind what to do. Feeling overwhelmed by grief and regret. Jade decided to jump. She simply could not live, knowing what she did to Tori. The more she thought of it, the worse she felt. She could not tolerate the pain.

Jade looked at the gravestone, sighed, closed her eyes again and kept them closed. "I'll just sit with you a bit longer Cat. I miss you Cat."

"I miss you too Jadey." Suddenly came the all too familiar voice of Cat in reply. Jade realized a second later, the voice was not in her head.

It was right in front of her.

Suddenly bewildered, Jade opened her eyes and looked up.

Well Jade who was confused and hurt, reacted badly to the news and yelled at Tori. Now Tori's had some sort of setback and Jade feels devastated as a result. She feels like she's failed both Cat and Tori. But just as she's at her low point, something happens.